Yup, I was right.

I did ovulate.

I went for my follow-up ultrasound today and they said it was clear that I had ovulated - no follicle left. YAY!!! So at least that went the way it was supposed to.

Since the last ultrasound, I've had a nagging worry about my lining. Particularly when I asked the tech how it was and she said "fine, it looks good". So I asked again at the end of this test. The girl said it was 2.3 cm. HOLY SHIT! When I had to have the D&C it was 2.7. That really worries me. It is supposed to be between 6-10 mm and it is 23!!! I immediately freaked out about the hyperplasia returning and worried that if it was this might be our only chance, etc. I held it together til I got to the car, then I panicked and cried uncontrollably for 10 minutes!

I know that there is a good chance that this thickened lining is just the anovulatory cycles that have built up. Because I haven't been ovulating, my period is something more like four days of spotting, or VERY light bleeding. So I"m guessing that the lining hasn't been able to fully shed because my body hasn't told it to. There is a difference between that and pre-cancerous cells growing in there... but I still panicked. I also realise that if this cycle doesn't take and I'm not pregnant, that it's likely that my body will shed the lining in preparation of the next cycle. So not all is lost. The tech didn't seem concerned, but then she was 12!

If this cycle takes, great. If it doesn't and I don't have a normal period, then I will go back to the OB/GYN to make sure that I"m not in a situation of hyperplasia again. If I get a normal period, then I'll just go on with the next cycle without (too much) worry.

Right now I just want to curl up on the couch all weekend and watch a movie/read a book, but I can't. I have to take my volleyball team to the city for a big tournament in which they will get their asses handed to them. I love those girls, but, honestly, they aren't very good. They try hard, but they just aren't there. Oh well. I know they will have a great time - I'm just not feeling like being around people, and we are staying overnight - so sleeping on the floor of a hotel room while four giggly girls refused to sleep - not my idea of a good time. Wish me luck!

All Systems Go.

So, I was walking down the hall today at work and felt this massive stabbing pain in my ovarian region - left side. It must have been the moment of ovulation. I haven't had pains that localized or specific there before. I got home after work and took another OPK which was negative. My temp dropped this morning too. All signs point to ovulation - even the Taking Charge of Your Fertility software is telling me that I probably ovulated today.

YAY.

Now let's just hope that that left tube was indeed just spasming and not blocked, and that some of hubby's swimmers are lurking around in the shadows waiting to pounce. LOL.

Smiley Face!

So I managed to get the HCG shot today. I had to drive to the town two towns over this morning to get it. My principal was awesome about it all. All I told him was that after the medical tests that I had on Monday, I had to go get an injection today, so could I skip out for an hour during my prep time. He said yes without so much of a hesitation. Thank god! Today he didn't even ask me anything about it... I feel kinda bad because I worry that maybe he thinks this is the cancer follow up after last year's scare, but right now it is keeping him from asking me too many questions. I still feel guilty about it though. Hopefully in a couple of months I can put all that to rest when I tell them about being pregnant... hopefully.

So, after a long evening of volleyball with my team, I went home and took an OPK. It came back with a big smiley face. After more than 18 months worth of ovulation predictors and fertility predictors all telling me that I was a failure, it was nice to see a smiley face! So, according to the OPK that means that I should ovulate within the next 24 hours. YAY!

Friday I get a follow-up ultrasound to see if I did ovulate, but I plan on continuing to take the OPKs until they come back negative now... just to make sure.

So, yeah, smiley face on the stick and smiley face on me!

One is all you need... right???

First follicle tracking ultrasound today. Got there with a sense of dread hanging over me...

what if there is nothing there? What if I waited so long for the last cycle and nothing happened this cycle? What if all the pangs and twinges that I've been feeling are psychosomatic.

Well, apparently there was nothing worry about because there is ONE good follicle. 18 mm. They said that the lining was "good" (whatever the hell that means - by the time I asked, she didn't remember the number). She said that there were several smaller follicles, but nothing worth noting, but that the 18 mm one looked good and I was advised to do the HCG trigger tomorrow.

So, I left happy but frustrated and sad at the same time. Part of me really wanted two or three follicles - hoping that more follicles meant a better chance, but I know, logically, it only takes one good follicle to release a good egg to become a baby. The biggest frustration is with my schedule right now.

I have to get the trigger shot tomorrow, but my doctors are all in the city over an hour away and I have to work tomorrow, AND there is no health centre where I work, AND I have volleyball after school so the chance of being able to do the shot seemed slim to none. I talked with the pharmacist about the idea of waiting until Wednesday to do the shot. Part of me thinks that it will be easier with my schedule, but also maybe give those other follicles a chance to catch up. He said it isn't a good idea because they usually suggest the shot based on a specific timeline and he wouldn't mess with that - but that I could call and ask my doctor or the radiologist... yeah, right, what's the chance of that happening!

So, I cried on and off all the way home.

I got home and I called the little 15 bed nursing home in the town near where I work. They said that they can't give the shot without an order from my doctor (who is on leave at the moment I believe, and even if she isn't, she's going to be pissed about having to write an order when she's already given the prescription and she's tough to get in contact with). OR they could put me in to see the doctor who travels through and I could explain my situation to him and he would write and order for one of the nurses to give me the shot. I reluctantly took that option. I called my boss and asked if it was ok if I skipped out during my prep period to do this. He didn't even hesitate - just said, "yep, just tell the secretary you're gone in case someone is looking for you." God, I love him! Anyway, I took the appointment, so at about 10:30 tomorrow morning I should be triggered. One healthy, good looking follicle being told tomorrow to get off it's lazy kiester and spit out an egg.

Fingers crossed that this works and that next July there is a baby to show for it.

Please please please let this work.

The bitch is back

WARNING: This post contains copious quantities of bitchiness. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Yeah, I don't know if it was the Clomid, or just my personality coming through, or the lack of sleep, or the lack of caffeine throughout the day, but I was a total bitch... ALL DAY!!

I don't know why. I woke up late and the day went from there... straight downhill.

Last night, about 2 am, my husband grabbed his pillows and tucked me in, and I saw him walking out of the room. Apparently I was having a series of bad dreams or something because I was practically yelling in my dreams. That might explain why I was so tired!

Anyway, my day started out with the class that I"m not fond of. They need hand-holding to the greatest extent and it bugs me - I don't want to teach that age group. I try hard to stay positive with them, but then end up grumpy after my class is over :( Most of my classes went pretty well all day, but at breaks it was a bit of a mess. The majority of my coworkers are stressed and seem to need a break. How long til the next long weekend? Wait... we just had one! damn!

After school was a volleyball game. One of my players gave me attitude on the court, and then expected me to give her full playing time. When she didn't get it, she stormed out and decided that she didn't need to tell me that she was going home. She said that I was "harshing her positivity". Funny how the rest of the team had no problem with it. The guy we had reffing was all sorts of fun. He calls tough, which is ok, but then after each game he tells me what my girls did wrong... in detail. Today it was even that I wasn't sitting in the right place on the bench! COME ON!! We're a high school team - we're not the pros. Then he claims that he's just "educating". Well he can take his education and... oh never mind.

So I ended up coming home in a really pissy mood! I'm exhausted and need to sleep, but I have to be up and on the road by 7 tomorrow so that I can spend the day at a PD. Then Friday is a division wide PD day, and then Friday night another volleyball tournament, followed by all day Saturday at the same tournament. Long days.

The upside... on Sunday I'm going to a bridal show with one of my closest friends!! I'm so looking forward to this - focusing on someone's joy and happiness, and to get all excited about he wedding stuff. It should be a fun girl's day. This is a friend who is one of the only people I know in real life who truly understands the IF journey that I've been on. It's nice not having to keep things to myself or be secretive or worry about whether I can broach the subject with her - it's freeing.

Let the Adventure Begin

At this point it's pretty clear that I wasn't ovulating for the past cycle. On Friday, what was CD 57 of the cycle, I had a bit of bleeding - more spotting really, but the OB/GYN was specific that any spotting was to be considered the first day of the cycle. Saturday there was light brown discharge and today the same thing. Not really a period, but whatever, I'll take it as the sign of a new cycle. I had a moment of terror as I thought - shit, I took Clomid today and what if the spotting on Friday was implanation bleeding from a (very) late ovulation. But I looked back at my charts and the chances are pretty much impossible that that's the case. I figure that I'm taking the whole situation as my period and moving on...

Today is the first pill of Clomid. I was trying to decide yesterday what time of day to take it. I read a ton of articles, none of which helped. Lots of people saying that they had side effects so they took it at night, but some saying that they found the side effects not so bad so took it in them morning. The one thing that every article and blog was consistent on was that it should be taken at the same time every day.

I'm horrible for remembering to take stuff at night. By the time I get home from work I'm basically a disaster and exhausted, so sometimes it's so bad that I get all cozy in bed and then remember that I didn't take out my contacts. :S So I figured that morning would be better for me. I have no idea what the side effects will bring of this medication - maybe I'll luck and get nothing, or maybe I'll be a mess - but I figure I don't know so I'm not going to plan for them.

So, this morning, I woke up at six, took my temp, and then took the pill. Then fell back to sleep until my husband's noises outside woke me at about 9:30. I might go take a nap later - I'm still tired.

So far I've only got a slight headache, but I had one yesterday and for five days before that and I hadn't taken any meds at that point... so I'm not attributing it to the Clomid. Tomorrow I will call to set up my follicle tracking ultrasound for CD11, since CD10 will be on a Sunday. I'm really hoping that my ovaries cooperate quickly with the drugs and that I need the trigger prior to the weekend of the 28/29th. The 28th would be CD15. Those two days I'm in the city with my volleyball team for a tournament and we're staying overnight, so it would be very difficult to do what needs to be done to get a baby made. I figure that some early morning planning could at least make the 28th a possibility, but I am kinda hoping that it's all finished by then and I don't have to schedule things quite so carefully. But I guess we'll see. When I have the US on the 24th it will hopefully give me some idea. I'm hoping that my ovaries respond quickly because they have been so lazy up to this point that a kick might get them going quickly...and honestly, I'm hoping they respond with a couple of good eggs.

Twins would just make things so much easier. Yeah, right, who says those words eh? Well, when dealing this the IF shit for this long, I would rather not have to deal with it for a second pregnancy. If we had twins, we could be happy with what we have and if we wanted to try again, it wouldn't seem like there was quite so much pressure. Besides, I've always wanted twins. Even if my ovaries don't cooperate with two eggs, we have a real chance of twins anyway - my husband's family has identicals running through it, so fingers crossed...

Anyone else have any weird side effects from the Clomid that I might be looking forward to? When did you notice them starting? I'm really worried about mood swings as I tend to have them anyway and I work with teens so it's a bit dangerous if they and I are both having mood swings. I'm a bit concerned that the 50 mg dose isn't going to do much for me, but I guess we have to start somewhere.

Knock, knock... who's there???

There was a knock on the door, guess who was there? That's right! Good ole' Aunt Flo. I normally hate that bitch, but I was happy to see her finally.

Today was CD 57, so I was wondering if she had died or something. But nope, just found out that she just arrived. FINALLY!!!

I had acupuncture last night. It was the last night with my acupuncturist who I LOVE for the next three months. She's on maternity leave until February 1. Yes, it's a special kind of strange to have your acupuncturist, who is treating you for fertility issues, getting bigger and bigger. She is so amazing though and never brought up the pregnancy unless I asked and never really made a big deal out of it. Even though she got married just a year ago and seems to have it all together, I never felt jealous of her and her pregnancy. I think it is because she's just so great that it's hard to feel that way - and she's trying to help me get pregnant which makes me feel better.

I did have a moment of self pity when I was waiting for my appointment. I was sitting in the treatment room with the door open, waiting, and the receptionist was talking with the other dr in the clinic (who happens to be the husband of my acupuncturist). They were talking about the birth plan, etc, and how excited he was. Then out of the next room comes the acupuncturist talking with another patient about the pregnancy. *sigh* A moment of self pity came over me, I was sad. But I managed to suck it up and move on. *sigh*

But we had a good session and she tried to fix this headache that I'm dealing with. The headache that can be likened to a knife being stabbed into my forehead - just in one specific spot. I had this problem when I was a teenager and had numerous CT scans and MRIs for it. Nobody could find anything. I wonder now if it has something to do with hormones...who knows.

So now that AF has shown up, I have to start the drugs on CD3, and book my follicle tracking ultrasound on Monday... that should be for CD10, but since that's a Sunday it will be on CD11 which will be fine. Hopefully it works to help me ovulate this next cycle. I would, of course, love it if the ovulation resulted in a pregnancy, but even just ovulating would be awesome at this point!

Fingers crossed!

Pain AND Insomnia? Are you kidding me??

So, it's 11:00 pm here. I have to be awake at 5 am because I have a 7:15 volleyball practice with my team. If my math is working right here, I have 6 possible hours of sleep. That would be fine except that unless I get 9 hours I"m rather a zombie!

So, why am I still awake??

Fucking pain!! My back is killing me. It's not just pain that's located in one small place, it's completely generalized... aching and pain all over my lower back and into my sides. I've laid in bed for over an hour and no luck - I'm just tossing and turning - probably keeping my husband from having a really good sleep. It just hurts so much and I"m so tired!!

I got home really late last night, so didn't really get a good sleep last night either. Top that with the nightmares and stupid dreams that I've been having lately and I'm a mess... I'm a total headcase at work lately. I won't get a whole weekend off until November, and I don't have a week of normal work hours until November either - every week has stupid early mornings and stupid late nights :( Yes, I'm whiny... I'm tired... I'm in pain... I'm gonna whine :(

I took some drugs to try to get rid of the pain, nothing is kicking in yet. :(

Part of me thinks this might be AF on the way. When I was younger I used to get some nasty back cramps, and I have vague recollections of it feeling like this... wouldn't that be a kick in the teeth... AF makes me wait 56 days and then comes with a full force of back cramps? bitch!

Yeah, so on that front, nothing yet. I thought that there might have been some spotting, but upon further inspection I was hallucinating. How sad is it that I am now imagining seeing spotting? So pathetic in so many ways.

Well, Jim Parsons is nearly finished his interview on Craig Kilbourne, so I should try to go to sleep again. I might sleep just out of pure exhaustion. I really can't keep this all up. I might just collapse at work. Today I told my grade 7 English class that I was going to give them a class to nap and then have them write about their dreams.

Yes, I'm that exhausted :(

It is the cycle that never ends....

CD 54. Yep, you read that right... 54. not 44, not 34, but 54!!! Seriously, this isn't normal!!

About three days ago, I started to have EWCM again. Then on Sunday, a temp drop - about half a degree drop. This is common for me at two times in my cycle - the first when my body thinks it's about to ovulate. EWCM and a temp drop, then a temp spike the next day. The other time is the day prior to AF. Well, yesterday showed no AF, and a temp spike again. Today, back down to 36.04 and again, no AF. Looking back at the CM for the past 10 days, it looks like it was amping up for ovulation again. I never noticed this prior to today, because I was so focused on checking for AF. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I simply missed a cycle.

I was reading that it is common when you don't ovulate to just not have AF sometimes. The body knows that it has not ovulated and has little lining to shed, so doesn't bother trying. The problem is that my body didn't send me an email, a fax, or even a sticky note telling me that. So now, I wonder, is it possible that I just ovulated? If so, that would be another 14 days or so until AF would show up - or a BFP would possibly happen. Yes, I cornered my husband to make sure that if it is ovulation, we didn't miss it. I'm not overly optimistic though. I hope that I haven't been waiting for the last 54 days for this next cycle for nothing, but I probably have.

It just seems like more of a kick in the teeth, because I'm waiting to start the drugs to help the ovulation along. Each day I recalculate in my head when I would have to go for follicle tracking and what else I have going on that day that I might have to reschedule, and every night I dismiss all those thoughts. *sigh*

So, this is the cycle that never ends... it just goes on and on my friends... And it is driving me crazy!

Thankful thankful thankful

Today is Thanksgiving in Canada... I realised that I have been doing a lot of complaining on my blog and in real life about everything. Infertility has smacked me around for 29 months now, and sometimes it's all that I think about. Often it's all that I can think about. It influences everything that I do sometimes and it can influence my mood at any given moment. My life is so occupied with checking temps and CM and just the thoughts that come along with IF that I often find it hard to focus on the good things.

So, in honour of Thanksgiving, I give you a list of all the things that I'm thankful for today:

* my parents - my parents love me dearly and would do anything for me, and even though my mother often makes me crazy, I know she loves me. My father is an amazing man who I have learned so much from

* my husband - we haven't always had smooth sailing, but I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. It took a while for us to find each other, but I wouldn't have spent the last six years with anyone else, and I can't imagine going through this IF journey with anyone else by my side

* my brother/family - my brother is a great guy. He can be an ass sometimes, but he's usually amazing. His wife is one of my best friends and I would give my life for his kids. They make me thankful and remind me of how wonderful the world is when viewed through a child's eyes.

* my grandmother - my grandmother is a great woman. She's been through so much and has taught me so much. She's been so supportive through the whole journey and I think that the IF has bonded us (I found out that she went through more than 10 years of IF after having my mom).

* my friends - my friends are amazing. I don't have a huge circle of friends, but the ones I have are wonderful, amazing, strong people. They know when to tell me to suck it up, and they know when to cry with me. I couldnt' get through it all without them.

* my job - I have been to hell and back with my job. I am currently in a job that I love and even though it tires me out, I love going there every day. I have amazing bosses and my coworkers are phenomenal. The kids I work with renew my faith in teenagers and make me proud to know them on a daily basis. Plus, in a time when so many people are struggling to find work, I have a stable, guaranteed job for as long as I want it.

* my house - i am not homeless. I have a warm, safe home to live in. I don't have to worry about violence in my community. I don't have to worry about natural disasters destroying everything that I have worked for. I know that I have a warm place to lay my head each night.

* my pets - as much as they make me crazy some days (I should blog about my bad kitten some time) but they are always there with purrs and cuddles to make me smile if I'm having a bad day. They never judge and just want to love.

* my health - especially after the last year of the pre-cancer scare, and all the issues with the IF, I am very thankful that I have my health to the degree that I do. While I know, I definitely know, that IF is a health issue, when you take that away, I'm healthy otherwise and if I didn't want children so damned bad, I could live my life happily and healthily. For now, I'm thankful that I have the good health that I do and that I'm over the hyperplasia and didn't have to have a hysterectomy following the diagnosis.

* free healthcare - I know this is a weird one to add to a thankful list, but after all of the health issues and the tests and appointments that I've had surrounding the IF, I can't imagine how this would all play out for me if I had to pay for everything or worry about the cost of seeing a doctor or having a test done. Sure, our healthcare system in this province is not perfect, but I don't have to worry that money is going to come between me and getting the proper care that I need.

I know that often we forget to be thankful for what is really important - especially when we face the everyday reality that IF brings. I felt that I needed to make a list, particularly on Thanksgiving, to remind myself that I do have things to be thankful for and that not everything is horrible... yes, IF is overtaking my current reality, but it's not everything in my life. I just hope that next year, when I make a list, I can add pregnancy to that.

PTSD?? Perhaps

I woke up last night in a cold sweat, and was hyperventilating. Why? Well I had had a horrible nightmare.

I dreamed that I went to work and got a note saying that I was no longer employed at my current school and that I was being transfered back to my old school. I went to the old school and two seconds after walking into the building I was called to the office where the principal proceeded to scream at me because I walked into the school wrong. I was so real and so clear!

You have to understand that by the middle of the year the year that I worked there, I would get called to the office about 3 times a day to be yelled at. It was ridiculous and quickly I got the union involved. I was just so horrible. I nearly threw myself in front of a bus just to get away from it (and I don't mean that in an exaggerated way - I was standing on the sidewalk and waiting for the bus to come down the street so that I could step in front of it).

After I got the transfer to my new school things changed. I love it there. It is the most amazing place to work! I love my boss and I love my students. The staff is amazing! As you saw in my last post, I sometimes have REALLY long weeks there, but I have never hated my job or myself while I'm there. I truly lucked out to get such an amazing job!

So where did that dream come from? Part of it might be that yesterday as the principal left my class he made a comment about how Buggs and Dafffy were his favourite cartoons when he was a kid (that comment fit into our discussion). I made a comment about how I didn't know that there were televisions when he was a kid. He laughed and asked where I worked. I told him "um, not here for long" lol. We both knew it was a joke and he razzed me about it later. But I think that my subconscious might have taken it seriously.

But then again... The other day at work, all of a sudden, I had a flashback to that horrible place and was sitting at my desk hyperventilating! I was instantly in tears and couldn't stop. I had to make myself walk down to the office just to reassure myself that it was a different place. It was horrible.

I wonder if it isn't post traumatic stress disorder? I know that I wasn't at war or that sort of thing, but it was an extremely abusive situation and it was horrific to me. Lately the thoughts and dreams are more vivid and I wonder if it's not that I"m finally feeling secure where I am so now the doubts are starting to rise. :( I have been contemplating calling one of the union counsellors to set up an appointment to see if I can't get to the bottom of it and try to heal from all of it... we'll see.

What a Week!

I tried to post this last night, but my internet hates me sometimes, so here it is today.
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It has been a really long week for me.

Monday: We started early on Monday with a staff meeting, as we usually do. The day flew by and then I had a meeting after school. That was followed by a volleyball practice with my highschool girls’ team for two hours. It was a very good practice and I saw some definite improvements. After about two more hours of planning I got home around 9 pm. This would have been fine except that I was still exhausted from the Friday night partying :S

Tuesday: I was away from work all day Tuesday. I had to go to a training sessions. We are often sent to training and it was valuable except that I done the same training about four years ago while I was still student teaching, so it was a bit of a repeat. In order to make it to the session on time, I had to leave home before 7 am. We finished around 3:30 and quickly drove another hour in order to meet my volleyball team for a game. The girls played fairly well, but the officiating was shit and they lost several points due to poor calls. We lost all of our sets and they were definitely frustrated. By the time I got home from the game, it was around 9 pm. When I got home and checked my email, I discovered that two of my best players had been caught smoking during school hours and had been given a two-week suspension from volleyball. The vice principal was kind enough to start the suspension the next day so that I didn’t all of a sudden show up and not have my players at the last minute.

Wednesday: Wednesday was really a blur! The day flew by and after school I spend some time with one of our new teachers walking her through some forms and planning. All of a sudden I realised that I had pushed the time to the last minute and I had to boot it to get to the city. Wednesday was the day of my monthly book club meeting. I met one of my closest friends for supper and then off to book club we went. Lucky us, the store that usually hosts us had dropped the club completely and didn’t tell the regulars about it! So we all got stubborn and decided that we would keep doing the club ourselves. Hopefully they will get the hint and pick it up again! Heaven forbid we would want to sit in a book store, buy their coffee, buy their books, and discuss literature! I got home around 10:30 and headed straight to bed – early morning the next day.

Thursday: This started out with a 7 am volleyball practice. I think that I may have complained about this before – we have three teams fighting to share the gym, so my team tends to get the last possible practice time and it ends up being before school. Most of my players showed up – and most of them were completely confused about why our main setter wasn’t there. Apparently she had chosen not to tell the team about her suspension! After filling in a very unimpressed team, we had a good practice and the girls renewed some of their confidence. I made them do a hokey “this is why you’re great” circle thing to try to renew some of their positivity and enjoyment of working with a team. The day got longer from this point on. The big boss stopped by for lunch with the staff and we had a working lunch where we discussed what we thought was good and bad about the school division. It was a good lunch and our grade 12s catered it. The school day ended and we stuck around for the 7 pm football game. It was the first time they had ever done a game under lights and it was a great, fun experience. Pretty much the whole town showed up! We got home around 10 pm.

Friday: Got to school fairly early to get caught up on some work. The day dragged a bit and I was inundated with grade 12s asking me to edit their history papers. The papers were due today and many of them were just finishing the work on them. Their teacher is willing to edit the papers, but not on the day that they are due, so they come to me. I’m cool with that, at least they are getting them edited and realising the importance of it. Usually it comes with a ton of begging and sucking up too which is fun to watch. Lol. One of my favourite students from last year came to school today to hang out. That made my day brighter. I really miss this kid. We had some conversations via facebook this summer which nearly crossed a line on his part and I think that he still feels a bit sheepish about it because he wasn’t nearly as relaxed around me as he had been. It was funny because even the new teachers commented on how he just gravitated toward me when I walked down the hall, and how they hoped they could form relationships with students like that. I managed to get through the day with very little issue. We had a bit of a problem with a couple of students this afternoon, but it was a he-said, she-said, situation and both kids were in the wrong. At one point this morning, the principal just walked into my room and sat down – he said he was just looking for some excitement – he does that from time to time… just checking in randomly for a few minutes. He actually got into the conversation with the class, and the kids were AMAZING! They got right into the discussion and contributed very well and stayed on topic (mostly) and when they weren’t I laughed it off and called them on it, quickly pulling them back to the topic. I couldn’t have asked for it to be better! We actually got home after school at 5 pm – a first for the past couple of weeks! I had such a horrible headache that I took a short nap. I think I will call it night soon as my internet is actually out right now and my husband is downstairs playing football on PS3.

This weekend it is Thanksgiving in Canada. We’re off to the city to his parents’ place for turkey day. It will be a quiet weekend with lots of food – and hopefully getting a chance to catch up some marking. Marking and sleep!

Party Like It's 1999

Yeah, but my body can't party like that anymore! lol

One of my coworkers who is having a difficult time with work right now, just bought a new house and wanted a staff gathering on Friday night after the home football game. We were supposed to go to my inlaws for lunch on Saturday, but thought we would go for a couple of hours. We figured that we would out of there by 9 at the latest. Well, 9 pm turned into 3:45 am!!! THat's right... you read that right... 3:45 am!!

I got there and while Mark was bringing in some stuff, our hostess offered me a drink. I declined and she said "oh are you driving?" Easy answer would have been yes, but I figured that she would see that Mark was drinking pop so I said "um, no". She right away pulled me aside and said "OMG...are you pregnant!!!!". I told her no, but since we were trying and I don't know if this month was successful I didn't want to drink. She completely understood and offered me some punch instead. All night she kept winking at me. She's very sweet and I think that she would be thrilled for me to get pregnant. She's about 24 and in her second year of teaching and just had her first wedding anniversary. I asked her once about kids, but she said that her husband wants to wait 5 or 6 years. I can get that... I can't imagine thinking of having kids at 24. I mean I knew at 12 that I wanted to be a mother, but the responsibility and all the rest of what comes with having kids... I can't imagine it at 24. At 35 sometimes it's too much for me!

Anyway, it was a good turn out for the party. About half the staff turned out and we had a good time. A few people came for one drink and left, then, around 9 we pulled out a couple of games and all hell broke loose. Craziness ensued. We started playing quarter chase around 10 pm. Now, I said I wasn't playing because I wasn't drinking but they were all really cool about it and said that I had to play but I could pass if I was the one who was supposed to drink. Later in the night my husband decided that he was going to start drinking since I wasn't and he started taking my drinks.

By 2 am, there were five of us sitting around the table - and everyone else was completely hammered. Everyone had a good time, and we finally got up to leave at about 3:45 am. One of the other staff members who lived just down the street walked home as we drove off. We had an hour drive to get home and I pulled into the driveway at around 5 am!

It has been a really long, really tiring weekend, and I'm exhausted. It would be one thing if I had been drinking, but no... I'm just tired!

I guess that I just can't party like it's 1999 anymore because my body knows it's not 22 anymore. That doesn't mean it won't happen again... just not any time soon!

Angry? Yeah, you bet

Ok, so I'm pretty pissed off. If anyone has seen the crap that I had thrown at me on another blog, then they will know why. If you haven't, and you saw the comment on my last post, you might understand...

but the fact is that I"m angry.

I shouldn't let other people - particularly those in the blogosphere - get to me. But I do. I care what other people think. I care when they make sweeping accusations against me and then don't' give me the opportunity to respond. I care when I'm being made out to be an evil bitch and all I did was live my life.

I'm not sure exactly what I did, but apparently speaking my mind has created some sort of shit-storm and now it has been brought to my blog. I apologize to all the wonderful people who read this and are so supportive.

I guess that I just don't get why suddenly I have become the enemy of all single-TTC women simply because I happen to be married. If someone can explain this, I would love to get some perspective. I don't get why, when even though I have been supportive of all my single friends and when people don't know the my back-story, that I am suddenly being made out to be an enemy of single TTC women everywhere.

I never created this for others to read. I like that they do and I appreciate the comments, but it was always intended to be my outlet for the feelings and thoughts that were starting to drive me crazy. I have always, at every point in my life, been willing to accept when someone doesn't' agree with me, but I've always expected that those people would be willing to have a discourse about it - not call me names and run away. I think that shows a limit to a person's character to refuse to discuss a situation and simply post or say negative comments and refuse any further discussion on the matter.

It's been a really long week and there is a longer one coming up. I am at CD 44 and no sign of AF and I'm getting frustrated and emotional about another failed and long cycle. I was asked 10 times yesterday when I'm going to have kids, or why I don't have them yet... and right now, I just want to cry.