Support Group

*oh my god, something is messed up with my fonts in this post and I don't know how to fix it - it's making me mental... I apologize.

I mentioned the drama of the FB support group in my last post.  It's pissing me off and a few of you suggested that I should create a new group.  So, I did just that.

I have created a "Secret" group on FB.  It's a support group for those of us dealing with IF and TTC.  I've called it "Still TTC... WTF?!"  The point of a "secret" group is that the only people who can see the members and the posts, or even that the group exists are those who are members of the group - and people have to be invited to join.  After discussion with a couple of people, here's what I came up with for the description of the group....

Every time we turn around someone else we know is getting pregnant, and we're still trying. It all feels endless sometimes and support is never a bad thing. This group is intended to be a support for those who are still trying to conceive, and allow for frank discussion. 

I have set up this group as a secret group. That means that only the members of the group can see the posts and other members. Don't worry, nothing will appear on your wall for the public to see.

It is important that this group remain true to it's purpose. If a member should get pregnant, nobody is going to wish you ill-will, but it is important that you remember the purpose for the group. If you wish to remain and be supportive of those people still TTC, that's fine but if your posts start discussing your pregnancy status (posting repeated pictures of BFPs, ultrasounds, beta results, etc) you will be asked to leave the group. This is not to be mean, but to protect those people still trying.

I want to invite anyone who is interested to join the group.  If the idea of having a more discussion based support than just blog and comments, then this might be a good thing for you.  Naturally it means that we would know each other's names, etc.  I am assuming that we're all mature enough to keep identities quiet, etc.  

If you would like an invite to the group, or have questions about it, please email me at pjw720@mail.usask.ca  I will need your FB name or email in order to find you and add you.  We'd love to have you over in the group.  And again, I don't personally have a problem with women who are currently pregnant being part of the group, as long as they realise that it's purpose isn't to discuss pregnancy, but TTC and IF.  I know that a lot of bloggers are pregnant but have dealt with IF for a long time and can be a great source of support.

Anyway, if you are interested, let me know :)  Hope to hear from you!

Lovely Health System

First of all, I'm trying to write this on my phone so I apologize for the mistakes.

I'm currently sitting in the doctor's office, waiting for the appointment with the orthopedic surgeon. My appointment was for 2:00. The woman sitting next to me was suppose to go in at 1:20 and at 2;00 was told he wasn't even there yet and his first appointment was supposed to be 12:30.

What a load of shit! I'm basically going to be waiting until 4 to see him for no good reason. The waiting room is backed up and the person sitting next to me smells like cigarette smoke (people still smoke??).

I'm getting aggravated. And go figure that a couple with a baby would come in and sit across from me. Urgh.

I know I shouldn't complain since this costs me nothing (out of pocket). That being said, the health system
Is not free. I pay taxes that pay for my health care. People seem to forget that. Every time I complain about wait times etc people always feel the need to remind me that it's free. Well not really. Have you looked at your pay stub lately? Health care and highways are getting worse and worse and my taxes keep going up.

Is it too much to ask that the doctor who has an appointment at 12:30 actually be in the office? I understand that doctors get behind, I can get that, but to not even be in the ruling office an hour-and-a-half after your first appointment... That's just rude.

Not looking forward to this appointment at all!

Supportive Drama - Update

 I don't know if I've mentioned this before - I probably have - but I'm a member of a "secret" facebook group for women who are dealing with IF.  I discovered it on the WTE boards.  One of the Canadian members mentioned it and I thought it would be great!  I joined up and it was really supportive... initially.

Lately it's turned into an almost painful experience.  Six of the 24 women in the group have gotten BFPs in the last couple of months, so now we're seeing constant pee sticks from women looking for confirmation - and by constant I mean three or four a day for two weeks.  Ultrasound pics, pregnancy stories, etc, all taking up the newsfeed.  It's gotten to the point where I feel horrible even checking it out.

I'm almost at the point where I am ready to drop out of it because I just don't know if I can handle seeing more of this happy pregnancy stuff.

Yesterday someone posted something about feeling alone and wanting to know who else was NOT pregnant.  There were quite a few of us.  This led to another post by the group's admin.  She asked if another group should be started to accomodate the women who had gotten their BFPs.  In the spirit of honesty I said that I thought it was a good idea and that while I didn't harbour any ill will to the women who had gotten their BFP, I often feel upset after checking out the group because of the sheer number of pregnancy posts.

One women responded to what I had said by saying that she was offended and didn't want to be in another group, that this group had been so supportive and she wanted to stay.

That's great that the group has been supportive, but it was for a different purpose!

It reminds me of the infertility support group that I go to.  About two-three months ago, one of the members showed up and told us about her IUI and then went on to say that she was pregnant.  Great.  Congratulations.  I don't harbour ill will, but I can't be happy for her.  It might sound horrible, but there are about three people in my real life who I could be truly happy for in that case.  I spent the next month worried that we were going to have to deal with her pregnancy for the next eight months worth of meetings.  She hasn't come back  since, and I overheard the leader telling someone that she heard she was doing well, so that's good... and at least she's not coming back so that we have to see it each month.  For the record, I am not the only one in the group who feels this way.

I know that I sound like a total bitch, but I feel that support comes in certain types.  When you are gathering your support from a group of women dealing with infertility, don't expect support from the same group when you are pregnant.  It is like a slap in the face to those of us still TTC, particularly if we've been TTC for a very long time.  I know that no amount of IF is pleasurable, but when you have to listen to the pregnancy stories, ultrasounds, etc of someone who has been TTC only a few months... it's even more painful.

I know it's self-pity, but it's there none-the-less.  I just don't understand how those who are pregnant now can't understand that it might be painful for those of us not there yet.

So, as for the FB group - I don't know what's going to happen.  If the drama continues I might just leave it.  I guess we'll see.

*****
Update:  So after a lot of back and forth in the group, nearly every woman who is currently pregnant complained that they were offended and saw the group as a support system that they didn't want to leave.  A couple of us said how it was painful to see constant pee sticks and ultrasounds and discussions of betas and morning sickness.  That resulted in complaints that we needed to remember that some of them had been TTC for a very long time and we should see it as a sign that it's possible.  Well, not one of them has my condition, so I don 't see it as hope, I see it as someone else getting what I want and shoving it in my face.

The final decision by the group's admin was that most of the members wanted things left as is, so that's how it would stay.  Now I need to decide if I can keep seeing it all, or if I should just give it up completely.  I don't know if I can keep reading all those posts.  My hope is that maybe those who are pregnant will realise that their posts are hurtful and cut back on them... hopefully.

Update and a Smile

So two weeks ago today I had my biopsy.  The oncologist said that if everything was fine, she wouldn't call. If it was still there or worse, she would call.  I had asked the lab how long it would take for the results of the biopsy to come back.  They told me 5-7 days.  So the oncologist should have the results by now.  Do I assume that everything is fine because she hasn't called?  It is like lulling me into a false sense of security.  Not getting a call makes me think that everything might be fine, but then I think back to the biopsy that I had in March, and when I called after a month, I found out that they were waiting on a second opinion because they didn't know how bad it was.  Turns out it was the worst it could be (with the exception of cancer).  I'm not worried about it coming back cancerous - they did the MRI, cancer would have shown up.  And I do seem to be responding to treatment - the lining is much thinner than it was and apparently the spotting every couple of weeks is normal and the oncologist was happy with the results.  She thinks that it's cleared up - but I"m not convinced.  I had the waiting.  This is much worse than the TWW!

On another issue, the car that died about three weeks is done for.  The engine seized up completely.  The best guess is that the oil pump went and the engine was getting no oil, and burned up.  The total cost for repairs would be about $4000.  That's great except that the car is was worth only about $1000 max.  So we got it towed back to the in-law's place where it is sitting.  I'm hoping to sell it on kijiji or by classified ad for a few hundred.  The body is still in good shape and it has some new and newish parts in the engine (brand new starter motor for example).  The tires have less than 10,000 km (6000 miles) on them.  The interior is in really good shape.  So hopefully someone wants it for parts, or has an engine they can pop in and get a few years off of it.  Failing that option, we may donate it to the kidney foundation - they at least give you a tax receipt for the car donation, so that would be good.  Turns out a wrecker will only give me about $100 for the thing, so that's the last option.

So, we went on the car hunt.  It made it extra difficult given that I was just released from bankruptcy a month ago.  So my credit is nil and not too many people want to take a chance on lending me money.  I found a bunch of vehicles that I was interested in at one dealership and called them up.  They ran the credit and found out that they could do a payment for me up to $700 per month.  That would have taken care of a new vehicle, but that seemed awfully high (particularly with hubby still not employed).  Knowing that we could get  the money made it easier to look for something.  I went to do some test driving, and ended up test driving a couple of different models.  The Jeep Compass that I thought would be the key for us turned out to be like driving a tin can, and the Hyundai Santa Fe was like sitting in a shoe box.  Seriously, right now, take your hand and put it on you eyebrows like you're going to salute.  Then look straight ahead... that's what the visibility was like for me in the Santa Fe.  I had less than inch of head room between my head and roof!  I didn't even bother driving it.  In the end, the winner was a 2006 Chevrolet Equinox.  It's silver and completely decked out - automatic everything and the miles on it were minimal - only 109,000 km (67,700 miles for you American folk).  I'm pretty happy with it so far.  I nearly lost it on hubby when I got into the car today though.  He has a habit of putting his sunglasses, wallet, etc on the console in front of the gauges.  Now, in his little car I get that, there is no storage room, but this one has all sorts of space.  I threw his stuff around and screamed for a bit (he wasn't in the car btw lol).  Anyway, I'll have to work on training him on that. :)

So that's the current update.  I go back to work in a week and students are back in two weeks.  I just don't know where the summer went!  But hey, my countdown timer told me I'm less than 6 months til Hawaii, so that's a good thing!!

And I leave you with a picture that you can't help but smile at...

F*&*^% Biopsies

Well, I had my endometrial biopsy today, and yeah it was that fabulous!

The oncologist had prescribed me 1 mg of Ativan and 1 mg of Hydromophone to help with anxiety and pain.  Guess what... it did fuck all to help!  The pain was just as bad as the last one - maybe even worse.  I cried out in pain a number of times.  The doctor just kept saying "keep breathing normally".  I kept trying to take deep breaths, but the pain was so bad I couldn't breathe.  When it was all done, the room was spinning and I had broken out in a cold sweat, and couldnt' open my eyes.  I laid there for a few minutes then got up and promptly fell over.  It's a great feeling, having your naked ass hit the exam room floor.  That didn't help with the after cramping either, let me tell you.

On a scale of 1-10 of pain, this biopsy was an 8 easily.  The oncologist said that it's just not worth it to do it with general anesthesia. I disagree, but the doctor has to agree.  She did say that perhaps doing it with an IV drip might be a good idea.  I guess we'll find out in 3 months when I got back for another one.

Seriously, this might be the thing that decides whether we do more than one pregnancy.  If we manage the first pregnancy, the time between the first and second is going to have to have biopsies in order to make sure that everything is still good while I'm not pregnant.  I don't know if I can handle that.

For the last four nights I haven't slept.  I finally took a sleeping pill last night and it did knock me out which was good, but I don't feel rested.  The supposed hard-core narcotic pain killer didn't even take down my headache that I had going into the biopsy.  I tried to tell them that pain hurts me more than other people and drugs don't work well on me.  I once had a tooth pulled and it took 17 needles to almost freeze my mouth.  When I needed stitches in my knee, it took 6 needles to freeze it.  When I had my tonsils out, I counted backward from 10, hit zero, then started backward from 100... I got to 77 before I passed out.  Painkillers don't work well on me.  At least the oncologist knows for next time that this dose didn't work and maybe she can come up with a better solution.

So yeah, the biopsy was horrific.

Top it off... she took one look down there and told me that she's sure that I have an infection.  She gave me a prescription for two antibiotics and told me to take them even though we don't know what it is.  She said if it needs to be changed, she'll call when she gets the results.  Then she told me that I have some "lesions" down there, and was surprised that I wasn't in pain.  She also said that I have spots on my cervix and it looks pretty disturbed and there is obvious infection.  These antibiotics are pretty strong stuff (Keflex and Flagyl) so hopefully they will do the job.

On the upside, the MRI I had in early June to see if there was any cancer anywhere in that area, came back completely clear... so yay for that!  Since the RE said that the lining was only 15 mm in June, and the oncologist said that the fact that I've only had two days of spotting (which she said was completely normal), the oncologist said that the meds were obviously working and she was optimistic.  She also thought she had me on half the dosage so that's a bit strange... but whatever... hopefully it's worked.

So right now I"m nesting on the couch - blankies, pillows, tv, computer, and iPhone... oh and some chocolate chip cookies (I splurged and got them even though they have wheat in them and I'm not supposed to have it... I figure I've earned it).  I think that I'll break another rule and have a Diet Coke too.... why not... the day is shot and I'm in pain!  I damned well think I've earned it!

Damned Computer

For the last few days my computer hasn't been able to load Blogger.  I mean, I can read other blogs, and even my own, but when I hit the little pencil to try to write a new piece, it doesn't work.  It just keeps saying "loading".  So frustrating.  This time it worked, so I'm going to try to fit a bunch in ... sorry.

My car died.  I mean completely died.  We took the puppy to the vet for shots and on the way home (around 7 pm) the car just stopped along the highway - about an hour and a half from home.  I wanted to call my dad to come and pick us up, but my husband was determined to call his dad first (which made sense I guess since they live only half an hour from where we broke down, and my dad is over an hour).  His father told us that we could tow the car to his house and then borrow his old truck to go home.  Then after a lot of complaining and asking why we couldn't just ride with the tow truck (um, because we have the dog with us?) and why we couldn't just let the dog ride in the car as it was being towed (um, because he is 4 months old!), he finally came to get us.  When he got there he told us that we couldn't borrow the truck and would have to spend the night.  Now, if you have a dog who is crate trained, trying to get them to sleep outside a crate for one night (without some prior practice) is nearly impossible.  After an hour of being closed into the bathroom (father-in-law's suggestion), the whining and barking started.  Hubby had to sleep on the couch holding the dog's collar all night for him to settle down - even then it was only three hours of sleep all night... making for a very grumpy and tired puppy the next day.  On top of that, I got no sleep either, and we had no overnight bag, so I had to sleep in my clothes and had nothing to change into the next day.  Now, I told you before of my previous experience with my mother-in-law and the dog.  I am still furious and had no intention of going back to her house with or without the dog for a long time.  I was not given a choice.  So I was stuck in the basement with a grumpy dog all alone and to top it off my phone was nearly dead (with no charger) and there was NOTHING on TV.  I ended up taking the dog for an hour walk - we were both exhausted and he slept for and hour and then wanted to go again!  Around 3 pm, after 6 hours of working on the car, father-in-law finally gave up having no clue what could be wrong - checked the alternator, belts, battery, starter, and a couple of other things.  The fan started going off when the door was opened (with no key in the ignition) - so he thinks it is an electrical issue.  He hands us his truck keys and says that he'll get it looked at on Tuesday.  So we pile the groceries and purchases into a garbage bag and weigh it down with rocks, then pile the rest of it, us, and the dog into the cab of the truck and head for home.  The good news is that the puppy traveled wonderfully - of course he did, he could cuddle up to us all time.  By the time we got home, we all were exhausted and just wanted to sleep.  We didn't even have supper.  So long story short - my car died and who knows what that's going to cost - stay tuned.

In IF news, my endometrial biopsy is on Tuesday.  Yes, this Tuesday.  When I booked it I told the nurse (who is amazing by the way) that I am really anxious because every biopsy has gotten worse and worse for pain.  She said she'd talk to the doctor.  She called me back and said that they would fax a prescription to the pharmacy for me.  She prescribed fast-acting Ativan and Hydromorphone.  Apparently this is supposed to help with the anxiety and the pain.  Hopefully it works.  I'm really terrified that it is going to be super-painful again.  I know it's only a couple of minutes, but I'm already freaking out about the pain and really don't want to go there again.  I've been in a total funk over this upcoming biopsy for the last week at least.  I'm terrified of the pain and I"m terrified of the results.  This biopsy could be the thing that turns us back from the TTC in the fall,  or it could clear us which then causes all sorts of extra issues because the weight just isn't coming off... but that's another post.  So, yeah, the biopsy is really getting me down - I really don't want to do it... and I'm stuck on the "it's so not fair" thing again. :(