What's been happening - baby news

So I said I would update on what had been happening since I wrote over two years ago.

I'll start with baby news as that was where this blog first started out.

Long story short... There is still no baby.  It makes me very sad.  We've tried hard to make it happen but still nothing.

Last summer we went through IVF treatments in Calgary.  I started my injections and thought "wow those doses seem high" but the doctors know what they are doing, so I went with it.  We were scheduled to head to Calgary on July 20 for our first in-person tracking on the 21st.  I got a call on July 17 (I had had blood work and a tracking ultrasound that morning in Regina) telling us to get there ASAP.  I was responding too well and they needed me out there the next morning.  We packed up quickly, dumped the dog at my parents' place and started the 8 hour trek.  We got to Calgary at 1 am.  At 6 we were off to the clinic where the tracking ultrasound revealed 40 follicles!!!  Immediately my meds were cut nearly in half and we continued daily tracking and bloodwork for the next week.  

On July 25 the follicles were ready and our retrieval was done.  Nobody can quiet prepare you for the feeling of a needle going through the wall of your vajayjay.  Luckily I had a good nurse who demanded that they give me extra pain meds.  It took about 10 minutes and they got 21 eggs.

Later that day we got word that 11 eggs were mature but my husband's sperm wasn't.  That's been our joke.  At one point his sperm was lazy.  Now they are little go-getters but we're just a bit low on the normal side of things.  He said, or sure, now they aren't lazy, just stupid.  We opted for ICSI since we didn't want to lose any possible chances - in for a penny and all.

We waited patiently for the next five days getting our daily updates.  Until day five all 11 had fertilized and a few were falling behind but still going.  When I went in for the fresh transfer on day six, only five had survived but they all looked good.

It is policy to only transfer one the first time, so we did- the rest hit the freezer.  

The transfer was quick and painless but the doctor said it was hard to visualize the uterus due to "excess material".  I told him to just call a spade a spade- he couldn't see through the fat.  

We headed back home the next day and waited.

Spotting started about ten days later and I knew we were out.  The clinic called five days later with my 14dpt bloodwork to confirm, but by then I already had a full blown period so it wasn't a surprise.

The only thing that was suggested to have it fail was that if the doctor couldn't properly visualize the uterus the embryo may have been misplaced.

We still had four frozen remaining so at least there was that.

In October we got called to do a frozen transfer and decided to jump back in.  We were ready to start meds when I got a call from the bariatric surgery clinic.  My name was finally at the top of the list after waiting 30 months.  We had to decide what to do.  I could do the transfer and go back to another 30 month wait or do the surgery and wait on the transfer.  

The fertility specialist said that since my body is in good shape and my fertility and egg numbers put me at that of a 23 year old, and since the embryos won't get any older, I should do the bariatric surgery.  With the weight gone I would have a greater success.  So that's the plan we decided on.  We cancelled the transfer and I jumped into this bariatric surgery thing with both feet.

We still have four beautiful embryos waiting and as soon as my rapid weight loss stops we are going to do another transfer - likely next summer.

In the meantime, both of our best friends have welcomed babies in the past three years and so I'm getting my fill that way!! I still long to have my own, but it's a great motivation to keep going on the weight loss journey.

 

the ins and outs of surgery

My bariatric surgery was on August 22.  We were to get to the hospital at 6:30 and naturally both of us set our alarms for 5:30 PM and we woke up with 15 minutes to get to the hospital.  We made it only 5 minutes late and then had to wait nearly 45 minutes to have them start my pre-op work.  After that it went quick- it was only 25 minutes until I was in the operating room.  For the first time in any surgery I don't remember anything after they put the oxygen on me.  A few deep breaths and I was out.  Typically I hear them telling me to relax and then that they are giving me the sedative.  Not this time!  

The next thing I knew I was in the recovery room feeling ready to puke.  I didn't, luckily, but it was definitely feeling that way.  I fell back to sleep and then woke up in my room.  

I dozed on and off all day, taking the morphine they offered.  I had a roommate from hell- I will discuss that in a further post.  Spent the first day mostly sleeping.  They had me get out of bed and walk on the spot for a few seconds then back to bed.

On Tueaday I woke up feeling pretty good.  I took a bit of morphine through the day but not much.  I had my catheter removed and was cleared to be up and moving around, so I went for several walks.  I also had the joy of the leak test. You stand in front of an X-ray machine and drink this nasty sweet/bitter liquid while they check to make sure that everything goes where it is supposed to. At about 3 pm we finally got clearance that everything looked good and I could start plain water- 2 tbsp per hour only.  Let me tell you, after about 40 hours with no water (and having been intubated) that water was gooooood.

On Wednesday I got moved on to other clear liquids- broth, tea, etc, and up to 1/3 of a cup per hour.  Spent a lot of time walking around the ward and chatting with the nurses.  My bruising got much worse and everyone seemed really concerned.  They did several more blood tests and had three more doctors come and look at it.  They drew around bruises with sharpies to get a sense of how fast they were growing.  They slowed down in growth and it was discovered that my hemoglobin had dropped and that was why the bruises were spreading.  Nothing to worry about they assured me.

I had a crappy sleep that night- just tired of the hopsital bed and wanting to be home.  Thursday they took out the IV- finally, and moved me to a protein shake diet which I will be on for the next two weeks. I got discharged from the hospital at around noon and headed on home.

The last couple of days have been about sitting around, napping, and drinking constantly- or so it seems!  Today has brought a bit of soreness and itchiness at the incision sites but that means healing!

Everyday is a bit better than the last!

the surgery

So there is going to be a major surgery, and it's going to be tomorrow.  In about 7 hours actually.

My Roux-en-y barriatric bypass surgery is happening and I'm terrified.  And I'm hungry!!!  All I've been able to eat for the last two weeks has been protein shakes (made according to doctor's instructions) and clear liquids.  Today it was only clear liquids.  I know the surgery will be a huge benefit but I'm still scared.

loooooong overdue update

I'm not even sure if anyone follows my blog anymore, but for my own sanity I think it's time to start writing again.  So what has happened since the last time I wrote?  Wow- lots happened but nothing much changed.  Over the next couple of weeks I will give more detailed updates, but for now, here are the bullet points...

Working in (my own personal) Hell

Honestly I must have been on bad mammer-jammer in a past life because things around here keep getting worse.

I'm already having to see one coworker who is due in December flit around all happy (and why shouldn't she be) and now this morning my boss announces that she too is pregnant. My coworker only knows a small bit of my story but she was kind enough this summer to text me to tell me so I wouldn't find out via a group announcement. My boss knows most of my story and has a sister who did IVF and she still didn't have the decency to warn me. It was like someone hit me in the head and ripped out my guts.

I'm supposed to be on a prep right now but I can't concentrate. I'm so over this place. There is another coworker who I think may also be pregnant (I suspect she did IVF at the start of September and given that she didn't seem too upset by the announement I think she might be... Then again she might have a great IF face like me). There is yet another coworker who got married this summer and is inching up on 30 - they lived together for two years already so it wouldn't surprise me if she got pregnant soon too.

And then it will be me alone. The one married young-ish woman in the place without kids.

I'm hoping this is our month but not holdin my breath. FF has changed the day it thinks I ovulated 3 times and the one it keeps going back to means we are out of luck completely. The other two possible days at least put us kind of in the running, but I never got a positive OPK this month so I'm thinking it probably didn't happen at all

I'm seriously thinking of ordering Cl.omid online but I'm kind of hesitant.

At this point I'm so sad and anxious all the time and I actually dread my job these days.

Sigh

Blog name change!

So for various reasons I am considering changing my blog name. When I created it the name seemed to fit but I am no longer in a "what happens, happens) place in my world.

Some of the idea poking around in my head are:

     • a little too late

     • a start to late 

     • too fat to parent

     • my bmi battle

     • empathy not judgements 

Any other ideas please send then. When I find one I like I'll make the changes. Hope to hear from you.

The verdict

No! That's right she said no. She didn't even bat an eye when I told her about 40 lbs and she said that she thinks it is ridiculous that I'm seeing multiple doctors. She went on to say that ifthe specialist   (RE) didn't want to deal with it, why would a generalist. Them she said that I started a bit too late and might be right that we will run out of time.

The whole appointment left me sad and empty. I've seriously thought about just ending it all tonight. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. The thought of getting through tomorrow make me sad. Everything just hurts.

All the things that the doctors are saying ate just like the things the bullies used to say... So now I'm back to being the scared little girl. I need to get past that.

Anyway,the answer is 100lb loss, that's all I can do.

I fucking hate my life

The verdict

No! That's right she said no. She didn't even bat an eye when I told her about 40 lbs and she said that she thinks it is ridiculous that I'm seeing multiple doctors. She went on to say that ifthe specialist   (RE) didn't want to deal with it, why would a generalist. Them she said that I started a bit too late and might be right that we will run out of time.

The whole appointment left me sad and empty. I've seriously thought about just ending it all tonight. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. The thought of getting through tomorrow make me sad. Everything just hurts.

All the things that the doctors are saying ate just like the things the bullies used to say... So now I'm back to being the scared little girl. I need to get past that.

Anyway,the answer is 100lb loss, that's all I can do.

I fucking hate my life

Leap of Faith

So I'm sitting at my GPs office. Have I mentioned how long the waits here are? Waiting an hour is average. I walked in five minutes before my appointment to find six people in the waiting room still ahead of me. 40 minutes later and we're down to two ahead of me (not including those waiting in exam rooms). She is always so far behind but she's great so people wait.

Anyway I'm sitting here because I want to change my blood pressure meds. She told me last Feb that if I got pregnant or was trying that I needed to change meds. NO I'm not pregnant (unfortunately)... But I have an appointment this afternoon with my OBGYN and I'm really hoping that she will agree to let me try tracked cycles with Clomid.  I'm very nervous and quite sure that she will reject me as too fat like the rest of the doctors have. I'm at the point of not having much hope anymore. 

As you may recall, I saw the RE in June and was basically told that I was too fat. She wouldn't help me until I lost at least 100 lbs (she wouldn't give me an exact number, just told me to come back when I lost 100 lbs and we'd talk about it then). You would think that REs would know that infertile women are on the edge, but I guess not.

So I've been working my ass off. And even though I was on crutches for nearly 7 weeks, as I this morning I'm down 40 lbs since the end of June. My BMI has dropped nearly 6 pts and I've lost 6 inches off my waist. All good things but they will mean nothing to me if nobody is willing to help me get pregnant.

So I hope that the OBGyN helps me out, but I'm steeling myself for another disappointment because it really seems like the world doesn't want me to get pregnant or be a parent.

So you had a bad day/month/year

That song keeps running through my head, but I keep replacing day with life.

Things have not been so good in peg-world lately.  In fact, right now I'm in the middle of a major cry fest.

Oh, where to start...

So, I mentioned before that the Fertility Specialist won't even consider helping me until I lose at least 100 lbs.  For the record I'm current down 35 lbs since the end of June.  So that's a bonus, but when I see that there is a minimum of 65 more to go (and really there should be more than that to get to a really healthy weight), it seems hopeless.  I've been watching my calorie intake really closely, consuming no more than 1500 calories per day.    I haven't been able to work out at all in the last six weeks either... and by that I am not making excuses... I have my leg in a cast.

I know that I also mentioned my clumsy fall down the stairs nearly two years ago.  I managed to sprain my ankle quite badly causing a bone chip to be torn off of the joint, one ligament to be torn off nearly completely, and two others to be stretched out to the point of being useless.  Surgery to repair it was supposed to be this coming Dec/Jan, but I got a call in August that there was an opening if I wanted it.  I jumped at the idea - well not exactly jumped because jumping hurt my ankle.  Anyway, in I went for surgery and out I came with a cast to the knee and a pretty pair of crutches to keep my upright.  I get the cast off in a week and I'm really happy about that.  I can't wait to be able to move around better and a get a good night's sleep and a proper shower.  Leg casts suck! I can't even imagine how gross it is inside this cast with all the dirt, etc.  The pain wasn't too bad initially.  It hurt mostly at the incision point which was still open inside the cast.  I've lately been walking around a lot without the crutches without much problem, so I'll be glad to get the cast off and start to get back to normal life.

The big thing that has just happened for us is that my mother had a major surgery on Monday.  She's had a horrible tremor in her hands and head for at least twenty years.  Every time she asked about it she was told it was a side effect of her other medication.  So she went on living (or not living well) with the tremor.  She can't do much for herself and it is stressful for everyone involved.  After going through a LOT of doctors, she finally got in to see a specialist who is world renown for this type of thing.  She got in to see him and was scheduled to come in for surgery less than two weeks later.  The procedure is kinda cool.  They implant a probe into the brain which is controlled by a transmitter that is put under the collarbone.  The transmitter sends impulses to the probe which tells the brain to stop telling the body to shake.  She had the probe and transmitter put in on Monday and they turn the whole system on in about a month, after her brain has healed up.  It was a long three days but she is home and she called me this afternoon and she's feeling good.  So that's a bonus, but I"m just exhausted.  I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

The topping to all of this is that this past week I found out that three of my cousins are expecting.  Once again, I'm on the sidelines.  I get to hear all the great things about them having more babies (this is baby 2, 3, and 4 for them respectively).  I'm so tired of everyone but me getting pregnant.  I feel like I should just give up because it's not going to happen anyway.  I've been in tears on and off for days about all this.  I like to think that I'm a strong person but this is getting to a point that I can't handle.  I've been at a stress level of 10 for the last couple of weeks and I'm supposed to handle the rest of the things that life throws at me... I'm not sure how to do it.  I considered finding someone to talk to, but I don't want to take more time off of work and I don't even know where to start looking for someone to help.  It just all sucks.

I feel another crying jag coming on and I need to try to figure out how to compose myself before I return to work tomorrow.  I have a feeling that it's going to be a long two days until the weekend.

Healthiest Unhealthy Person in the World

So a bit of background...

In a previous post I had mentioned that my RE is determined that I am too fat to have a baby because I am too unhealthy. How does she know this? Well isn't it a known fact that if you are overweight you have a myriad of other health issues too? Did she do any tests? No, but really, it should be safe to assume that I have blood sugar issues, cholesterol, blood pressure problems, fatty liver, and the list goes on.

So after being told that I needed to lose at least 100 lbs before she would help us get pregnant, I started looking into extreme measures. By that I mean gastric bypass surgery. I don't particularly like the idea of doing that (but the more I find out about it and its results the more I'm softening toward the idea). The problem is that I'm not getting any younger and each passing month makes my eggs and chances of conception a little bit lower. I could potentially lose all the weight on my own but the chances are slim (see what I did there?). A few years ago I lost 80 lbs with diet and exercise but I was 8 years younger (we all know its harder to lose weight when you hit 30. I also had a job where I walked away at 4:30 and didn't have to deal with it again until 8:30 the next morning... No three to four hours of at home work after getting home at 6:00. I had a workout buddy and was living in a place where I could be at a gym in about 5 minutes.

Fast forward to today. I work until 4:30 or 5:00 each day and then have a 45 minute commute to get home. I have to cook supper and then put in a few more hours to do planning or marking - the joys of teaching English, when you assign a class of 25 kids essays it means you have to mark those essays. Another big obstacle is that I live at least an hour from the closest gym. I know there are other things I could do but the gym was motivating to me and I like variety. Right now my biggest hurdle is my ankle. I broke it and tire ligaments about 20 months ago. It hurts if I do even 5 minutes of walking so exercise is seriously painful. I'm about a month from surgery on it so hopefully that will help.

I know this all sounds like excuses but these are very real problems and barriers to my weight loss success. Since my RE appointment on June 20 I've lost 15 lbs which I know is good but nowhere near what I need to lose.

So what is my whiney point? Well in order to move forward on the gastric bypass you have to be referred to the bariatric clinic here (there is only one in the province). I asked my GP for a referral and she was happy to do it saying she'd support me any way she could. She ordered a full battery of blood and urine tests because she said they usually ask for those. I also had her test my hormone levels.

So today I went back because something came back wonky and she wanted me in. So given what the RE said I should have been in for really bad news right? Nope... Diagnosis: very low vitamin D.  So I have to take supplements. The doctor said it's obvious why I'm low, I'm very pale, I've often referred to myself as translucent in fact. Given that I always use a ton of sunscreen or I burn horribly... And sunscreen blocks vitamin D absorption.  No biggie. Vitamin deficiency is easy to fix, dealt with those before.

So what about everything else? Totally and completely normal numbers. Cholesterol, liver, sugars, all perfect.  Yes I am on blood pressure meds but the doc figures given my family history that I would be anyway (nearly every relative and my parents and my grandparents all had high blood pressure) she is pretty sure it's not a weight related issue.

So where is this unhealthy person that the RE is so concerned about being pregnant. This GP and two other before her have commented on how may be the most healthy overweight patient they have ever seen. Sigh. But it doesn't help me to get pregnant.

At this point I have two hopes. The RE has me scheduled for an assessment with the high risk pregnancy clinic in the city to see what they think. I'm hoping they give us the go ahead. Failing that I am going back to my original OB/GYN and asking her for help. She didn't have a problem with my weight a couple years ago and I asked if it was an issue and she had said absolutely not... So hopefully she still thinks that way.

So there you have it, the healthiest unhealthy person out there!

Too fat to parent

So what's new? Oh right, I'm too fat to be a parent. Yeah you read that right.

Two weeks ago I saw my oncologist who said I was all clear - no cancer, no precancer, nothing abnormal - and she didn't need to see me again. At that point I made an appointment with my RE hoping she would get us going on the clomid track and move this baby-making train along. In the back of my mind I had a feeling she wasn't going to help.

So we saw her on the 20th. She went through our histories and then proceeded to tell me that at my weight she couldn't do anything to help me - not even clomid because the pregnancy would be too dangerous.

Here is what pisses me off. Before going on the megestrol for the precancerous endometrial cells, I had lost nearly 50 lbs. then the minute I started the pills I started to gain and ended up gaining more than 70lbs. Now I'm told that I need to lose a minimum of 100lbs before the RE will even consider helping. Did you notice the word consider? It's not even a guarantee that if I can lose it that she will help. Top this off with my weight loss history of getting to 30-40 lbs and then plateauing for several weeks and 100lbs will take more than a year. At that point I'll be nearing 38 and my eggs will probably have withered away from non use. 

Add to this that every time in the past four years that I've gone even four months without medication I end up with the precancerous condition returning. If it comes back again it's going to be pretty hard to find a doctor who will treat me because the standard of care at that point is hysterectomy.

I'm just so sad and frustrated. At this point I think the only way I will lose is to stop eating altogether... Something which has my husband really upset with me. When I refused to eat supper he started in on the lectures. He's an eternal optimist and thinks we can do this. He says we but I damned well how it will play out. I will bust my ass to eat healthy and lose weight and he'll sit there eating chips. I can't tell you how many times it has happened that way.

I even looked into the surgery route. Gastric bypass. At least it would help the weight come off. Unfortunately it is a year waiting list to have that done too. So wait a year for the surgery and then who knows how long for the rest of the weight to come off.

At this point I am just sitting depressed wishing I could just end it all. I either stare blankly or I'm crying. I feel like this horrible, disgusting person who doesn't deserve to live. After all, if I'm too fat to be a parent, then obviously I'm too fat and unworthy to live.

Gone to the dogs

So lately my interactions with a friend on FB have been rather tense, and they all seem to be about dogs.

The friend has posted numerous things about other people who have dogs and what they are doing wrong with them. One of her big issues seems to be people with large dogs who don't have a fenced yard, and people who leave their dogs unattended all day. Both of those apply to me.

She has said things like why have a dog if you don't take care of it properly- if you can't afford to build the fence, you can't afford the dog. This wasn't directed at me specifically but I took offense and made a comment about it.  No we don't have a fenced yard. We own a double lot in a small town which is about the equivalent of four city lots. To fence it properly would cost about $3000. Not in the budget. The argument is so reminiscent of the adoption/fertility treatment argument. I can afford to raise a child but dropping $20-50 grand at once to bring it to me is not as doable. My dog has a 40-ft cable tether that is tied to a huge tree in the middle of the yard. Simple math tells me that he has a 80-ft diameter space to play, or 5000 sq ft to play in. That is way more than some animals ever get. He's happy on his tether, he doesn't even notice he's on it. We only put him on it when we can check on him regularly... And he doesn't like being alone outside so he usually isn't. 

Yes I leave him alone all day - I have to fucking work. He's been used to 10-12 hr days alone at home since he was about 5 months old and it doesn't bother him. I don't care if he has an accident, that's why I bought a shampooer. I I'm away too long and it happens, it's my own fault- I don't blame the dog.

So where is all this venting stemming from? Well today I posted how awesome my dog is lasting a long 17 hours during yesterday's shit storm of medical enjoyment. She responded that I should give a key to my neighbors for when  going to be late. I simply said that yesterday was an anomaly and that I don't know my neighbors. She responded that she knows hers really well. I thought it was done when I explained how I'm not around much and my neighbors don't even recognize me. But no. She made another comment which was something about my husband but deleted it before I could read it and then deleted me from FB.

This woman has never been a close friend, but her little digs lately have bugged me, and just deleting (and blocking) me without any explanation or anything kinda hurts... And I don't know why.

Feelin' Fine

Well after yesterday's insane ER ride, I thought I would update...

I'm feeling great today. Not even a spot of blood which is awesome. Now that doesn't mean that I'm going to be lulled into a false confidence and not be prepared, but not feeling like I am overflowing with every step is nice.

The pain is pretty much at its end as well. I still feel like I've been punched in the gut, but there is no major cramping and stabbing pain.

The antibiotics are crazy strong so make me tired and a bit woozy but if they make me feel better otherwise, then it's totally worth it. They are super high dose so must pick up some acidophilus so I don't end up with a yeast infection on top of everything else.

I'm just glad that I decided to go instead of just going home and waiting it all out. The oncologist told the ER doc that she felt the antibiotics would stop the bleeding because the infection was the cause so she didn't want any more anti-bleeding drugs given unless it started back up. They gave me some via IV initially which helped.  The funny part was that even though I has these drugs, I bled like a stuck pig when they took out the IV. Stuck pig... Funny phrase, wonder where that came from? Hmmm.

Anyway, I also took a dilaudid this morning to try to ward off any pain that might start. Maybe not a good idea before school... It was everything I could do not to go nap on the couch during my prep time lol.

So basically, I'm feeling so much better today. Still going to be an early night, but that's ok. I don't have a lot to do this weekend so at least I can relax a bit. 

I this morning I opened my work email to find a message from one of our superintendents (she's pretty high up and therefore definitely my boss). She saw me nearly pass out on Tuesday and was at the meeting yesterday when I got so sick. She even offered to drive me to the hospital. Anyway, she emailed to see how I was doing. Little things like that make it much easier to come to work... Knowing that people actually are enough, even to just send a message ... It made me feel like more than just an employee number in a file.

Well enough babble. Just waiting on my ride and then home to a very sucky dog (who btw was stuck in the house for over 17 hours yesterday and didn't make a mess at all... He rocks!!!)

Aftershocks

Well after over an hour sitting in the waiting room in pain, watching everyone else go in first, I finally got called to a room where I sat for another 30 minutes before anyone came to attend to me. 

I was sitting on the bed crying from the pain when the nice EMT from Tuesday walked by and saw me. He was shocked that they still hadn't seen me. I told him that I thought the triage nurse didn't take me seriously. He came into the room, patted my arm and said how the EMTS were just talking at coffee about what an ass that guy is. It made me feel a bit better.

So the nurses came to deal with me and were awesome! Then the doctor came in and he was amazing. So nice and very understanding. He convince me to take some IV painkiller. Morphine. How do people get addicted to that stuff? It just makes me woozy - I hate the feeling! But it does kill the pain better than anything else I've ever had.

The doc had them take blood and did an exam. Blood results showed elevated white blood cells... Quite elevated. He also accessed my pathology report from the D&C and here is the important part... Are you ready?  NO sign of cancer, precancerous, or even abnormal cells!!! What it did show was infection of the endometrial layer (endometritis). So that explains the elevated white cells. Apparently it can be easily treated with antibiotics.

So they gave me antibiotics by IV and sent me off with a prescription for that and painkillers. The doc also talked to my oncologist who said to call tomorrow and come see her on Tuesday for a follow up. Great... Another day off work. Sigh. This is getting ridiculous! 

So now I'm waiting in the car for hubby who is getting my prescription filled at the notoriously slow pharmacy.

Oh and THANK YOU for all your kind messages and support... It meant a lot. And an extra big thanks to Jen for leaving her couch to come and pick up my hubby's car so we don't have to pay three days of hospital parking. 

At this point I just want to go home to bed and try to get through work tomorrow - yes I'm goin in... I've missed so much already! Sigh

It just keeps getting sunnier

So the pain, cramping, and bleeding post D&C has gotten really horrific. I'm sitting in the emergency room waiting to see someone. When I told the triage nurse the issues, his response was "we'll did you call your doctor?" When I told him that I didn't, he responded with "why not?" He was slightly rude actually. Hmm why not, well how about the fact that you  can't actually talk to the doctor, you leave a message and they eventually call back. The discharge papers for surgery said to go to emergency if these things started. Besides, I'm in severe pain, bleeding profusely, and can barely stand for two minutes without feeling like I'm going to pass out. I actually ran into the EMT who helped me on Tuesday while waiting for triage and he said I did the right thing by coming here. 

So far everyone who was here when I got here has gone in, including people who were obviously not in pain. I look like shot warmed over and feel like I'm going to pass out.

The nurse said that I should have called my doctor because she knows what she did to me. Asshole it was a D&C, it's not a mystery what she did to me!

I just feel like sometimes the complaints of pain and bleeding are not taken seriously by male medical staff... I would love for them to bleed out their penis and cramp heavily, just for one day to see what it is like... A little compassion please!

This fucking sucks!

Ambulance visit

So I had to take my students to a career day today. I should have pawned it off on someone else, I really should have. The morning was spent wandering around a hockey rink and then standing in line for lunch. Here's an idea.... Let's serve lunch to 400 people but only have two people on cookin burgers. Oh well. The kids had a good time at the event anyway.

I on the other hand...

I nearly passed out and ended up spending an hour in the back of an ambulance.  As we were standing in line for food, I started getting dizzy and weak. I was shaking badly and the world was spinning. Nothing I did seemed to fix it so I went to find a place to sit... Which just happened to be the bumper of a nearby ambulance. One of the organizers saw me and came over. I told him I though I was going to pass out and suddenly I had 3 ambulance attendants surrounding me and putting me in the back of the ambulance. They wanted to transport me to the city to the hospital but I couldn't leave my students without a supervisor. (Nobody better ever tell me that teachers don't care) So I signed the form saying that I refused their care. However that was after an hour of observation in the back of the rig. My BP was high, my oxygen was low, my blood sugar was ok but near the bottom of normal, I was pale and clammy. They put me on oxygen for a bit and just monitored me. The dude said that he thought I was probably dehydrated but if he hydrated me with IV then they really needed to take me in.

They told me not to drive and to not walk around too much. They wanted me to go to the hospital if I had another spell. At one point he asked if I had a headache, I responded with "yeah but I just rode a bus with 25 teenagers for 1.5 hours".  The EMTs were impressed that instill had a sense of humor while nearly passing out.

I think the big problem was the long school bus ride which caused me a lot of pain as things hurt "down there" with every bump. And the copious amounts of painkillers I was taking all day. It just all hit at once. I had my husband pick me up from work and now I'm on the couch with a heating pad. I still feel yucky - tired and kinda woozy and dizzy but my BP is normal so I'm not too worried. 

The worst part of all of this is that my husband is taking this opportunity to regale me with sports stories and news... And I just don't care... But I'm pretending really well!

Another kick at surgery

The last few days have been crazy busy.

I'm sure that I mentioned in the past the mess I made of my ankle about  18 months ago.  I fell down some stairs and managed to sprain it badly - or at least I thought that was all I did.  Turns out that I also chipped a piece of bone off the joint and tore off part of the ligament.  Anyway, it still hasn't been fixed properly and still hurts often.  I finally had an appointment with a new orthopedic surgeon who doesn't want to do anything until he gets more information.  I have had xrays and ultrasounds done on the ankle, but that's not enough apparently.  Anyway, I saw this new guy about a month ago and just had an MRI done on my ankle last Tuesday.  The MRI itself wasn't that bad, but the position that they had me in sucked.  My ankle hurt the whole time because of positioning, my knee was hyperextended so hurt, and my leg was pulled out and my hip misaligned which threw my back out. It just doesn't take much to mess me up.

Then on Thursday I had what I hope is the last of the D&Cs for a while.  As I've mentioned before, I just can't handle the pain of the endometrial biopsies anymore.  Even with serious amounts of drugs in my system, it feels like someone is stabbing me through the uterus with knives... over and over.  So in November, my oncologist decided that she couldn't put me through that again and decided that she would do D&Cs instead.  I had one in January that came back clear and she said in about three months which apparently means 5.  I had another one on Thursday.  Now, I appreciate that she gets the pain thing, but I don't understand the need for constantly pushing the time frames back.  Originally my treatment was supposed to be 6 months, then changed to 9 months, and now it will be 15 months by the time I'm off the drugs.  Here's the thing - I was clear at my four month biopsy, and the 7 month one, and the 10 month one... so continuing the drugs seems stupid, but whatever.

Anyway, we live over an hour away from the surgery centre and I had to be there by 6:30 so really early morning for us.  It was slightly amusing however that they got me admitted and into a gown and bed and then forgot about me until about 20 minute prior to my surgery time and had to rush through all the pre-op paperwork and almost forgot to give me my pre-op drugs.

The surgery went really well.  She did a D&C and a hysteroscopy to take a look in there and since the oncologist was in surgery all day she left me a note saying everything looked great and she anticipated no problems.  I'm supposed to make an appointment to see her in six weeks for results and follow up.  This seemed odd to me since I have always done follow-ups about 3 weeks after biopsies and D&Cs.  Anyway, I guess in a way it's good because I won't have to miss work for the appointment.

So the surgery went well - only took about 25 minutes - and when I woke up they filled me full of morphine. I was all sorts of dopey and out of it, but just couldn't sleep because of all the noise in the ward. I have a problem with sleep also where my oxygen levels drop because I breathe so shallow, so they wouldn't let me go since my oxygen kept dropping to about 90, which is apparently the scary number.  So every time I drifted off, they woke me up and made me take deep breaths. My husband was so confused by the length of time I had been in there that he actually called up to the ward to check on me.  I went into surgery at 8:30 and they let me out of the hospital at 1:30 - so it was a long day since we were up at 4:30.

Just a side note - I don't know how people can become addicted to morphine.  I get the pain killing aspect - that was pretty nice, but being so dopey and out of it - no thanks!

We got home and I went to bed and slept for a few hour and woke up feeling pretty good.  I had taken Friday off too, and felt pretty good on Friday - no cramping at all which was good.  By Saturday though, everything changed.  TMI time.  Apparently anesthetic completely constipates me.  I was putting food in from Thursday onward, but as of Saturday afternoon, nothing was coming out still. I took laxatives which made the pain worse.  I ended up awake most of last night with cramps - both gas/bowel pains and uterus cramping.  I basically laid on the couch all day and most of the night with a heating pad - I finally felt comfortable enough to go to bed at about 4 am.  Thankfully I could take a nap today - a nice long one with the puppy on the bed beside me (he was tired too because he was awake all night as I laid on the couch moaning.  I feel a bit better today.  The bowel issues have mostly fixed themselves, and I'm only cramping a bit.  I am exhausted and wish I could take tomorrow off of work too, but I can't.  This is where my job sucks - I have to plan for a sub each time I'm sick - blah.

So tomorrow is back to work even though I feel a bit like crap still, but hopefully I won't have to endure this for a good long time again.

The bonus is that while I laid on the couch today, Netflix gave me a new season of Arrested Development.  I love that show and particularly Jason Bateman.  Good way to spend the day... three more episodes and I've finished the whole season.  Oh and my husband brought me home a pot of chrysanthamums today.  He said that I have done so much that I deserved something... I said that I haven't done anything - he said "you let a bunch of people do things and put things in uncomfortable places and put you through pain to have a baby... you do lots".  awww.  I won't tell him that I was more excited about the cookies he brought home than the flowers but it was definitely a nice gesture.

The Lonely Day

It was a lonely day. Well ok, it was a busy day... But still lonely.

My dad came over in the morning to till up my garden so I spent a bunch of time doing forced labour in the yard. I cleaned our driveway with our new pressure washer... It certainly is shiny clean now. I spent time playing fetch with the dog, and cleaned out his pool and refilled it. (Yes my dog has his own pool)

But despite everything the day was lonely. I was not alone. My husband was there. My father came over. The dog followed me everywhere. But the day was lonely.

Mother's Day. The worst day of the year for an infertile. Everyone is celebrating the one thing you don't or can't have. It just plain out sucks. I did manage to get through the day without crying which was a surprise. Then again, I'm pretty much numb and without emotion at this point.

But the day felt lonely. I felt abandoned. Only one of my friends thought to tell me that they were thinking of me. Everyone else went about their business, posting all their joys to FB, enjoying the day set out to value something I can't attain.

Don't get me wrong. I don't expect people to drop everything and fawn over me on a day which should be a celebration, BUT given that they know my struggles and how much becoming a mother means to me... I would have thought that a simple "hug" or "thinking of you" wouldn't have been too much to ask for.

Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised given some of the thigh some of them have said about our struggles, but I guess I expected more.

Sigh

Weather...weather...weather...blah!

So something is seriously wrong with Mother Nature in our part of the world.  It is April 16th, and they are predicting even more snow for this Saturday.  Normally at this time of year, we're putting away the winter jackets and boots, but with all the snow that's still hanging around, we can't.  Seriously, it only got up to -2C today.  That's about 28 degrees Fahrenheit.  That's right, you read it right.. 28!  WTF!?  Has Mother Nature lost her freakin' mind??  Where is spring?

Now, I'm fully aware of climate change, etc, etc, etc, but give me a break!  I need spring.  This winter has been so damned long and I'm sick of it.  I'm in the anger phase of grief over this... every time I look out the window I end up mumbling "f-n bullshit".  Sometimes it's a lot more than a mumble.  Last week was storming so bad that my husband drove me to work because I simply would have pulled over and cried instead of making it in.

Usually I can make it through to spring without too much issue in the Seasonal Affective Disorder category, but this year it's hitting me hard.  I need some nice warm days to sit outside and read and watch the puppy play to cheer me up.

Here's something else that's been pissing me off about all this weather crap... the radio stations around here think that if you play summer songs, people will cheer up. Hell no!  That just pisses me off. I don't want to hear songs about summer when the snow along the highway is piled as high as my vehicle (no exaggeration on this one).  When I look out the window and my patio table is not visible because there is so much snow... yeah, I don't want to listen to summery songs.  The other thing that pissed me off today was a radio ad for "The Bay" (that is a major department store in Canada btw).  It actually started with "now that it's sandal weather".  Huh?  Even in Eastern Canada it's not that nice yet, but in Western Canada we're under a pile of snow still and that ad is just stupid and mean!

Anyway, I am really hoping for spring soon, but in the very least, I thought I'd take the opportunity to bitch about the weather a bit... because that's what we do in this part of the world... complain about the weather.