Sunday, 11 November 2012

In the I-dont-wanna-be-here-but-cant-find-my-way-out dumps

I notice that it's been nearly two months since my last post and boy do I have a whole lot of nothing to say.

Seriously.  Nothing has changed.  I'm still on the meds being ignored by doctors and being made to feel like I"m the one who caused all of this trouble.

Since my last post a bit has happened, but I just felt like every time I write something I'm complaining and/or have nothing of interest to say.  Unlike so many bloggers, I don't even have the TWW or the testing to talk about... I'm stuck in limbo and it sucks.

Anyway, here is my little bulleted update of what has happened in the last two months...

  • All the weight that I lost in the spring, came back with a vengeance when I switched from Provera to Megesterol.  I gained back all 40 lbs lost plus an additional 30.  Now I am dreading seeing the RE (if we even get to that point, because I"m going to get to hear the weight speech... again)  I've been trying to lose it, but even shorting myself 400 calories a day and working out for 40 minutes a day has resulted in a two pound gain this week. It pisses me off.  I don't know what to do anymore.

  • I have to have another biopsy. The oncologist wants it in December, I"m trying to get it done earlier so that I can hopefully be off of the drugs by Christmas.  I'd like to feel more like myself when dealing with family drama. I called to set up an appointment, but have heard nothing back.  It doesn't help that I'm refusing to do it without a great deal of pain management. She gave me drugs stronger than morphine last time, and an anti-anxiety and it hurt worse than ever. I know it's a first world problem, but I shouldn't have to deal with that kind of pain given the pain management techniques we have today.  Guaranteed if it was a biopsy of my testicle, I would be knocked out.

  • Currently, two people in my life are pregnant. It's funny how you can feel so differently about pregnancy depending on who it is.  The first is my SIL.  We found out via text message.  I don't know when she's due or anything about the pregnancy because everyone is afraid to tell us anything.  We've been excluded completely.  I know that people are doing to try to be helpful, but they are making me feel worse about it.  I don't want a minute by minute update, but telling me nothing is even worse.  I'm rather upset about this whole pregnancy because my BIL is such an ass and I just don't know how someone like that can be allowed to have a baby when my husband who would be an amazing father is being deprived of it.  Being completely selfish, it also bugs me because we've been trying so long and I was sure that we would provide the first grandchild for his parents and now that's taken away.  

  • The second person in my life expecting is Sprout.  This one I'm thrilled about!  I honestly have no feelings of anger or sadness or anything but happiness over it.  I'll be honest, I had about a ten second "why not me" episode and then I was good... and have been ever since.  Now, I fully plan on spoiling that little nugget and being so obnoxious about wanting to babysit that she bans me from her house forever, but I think that if I try hard enough, she won't notice when I replace the baby with a bag of flour in the crib :)  Seriously though... I'm so excited and thrilled about this pregnancy. She's waited so long and I've always known that she will make an amazing mother!  Now I just have to wait patiently for her to be ready to go baby shopping - although I admit, I've already started checking out stuff online :)

  • My work is sucking this year.  I don't know what it is.  We've had a lot of changes at our school this year and it's just not the same.  I worry that it will continue to get worse, but then I think that maybe it's my mood.  The meds have made me a basketcase and I'm depressed all the time.  It's all I can do to get through the day without snapping, then my poor husband has to deal with it at home

  • My puppy is getting so big.  He's over 60 lbs now and is barely 7 months.  And his feet are still WAY too big for his body.  We got a giant snow storm this weekend and he's discovered that he loves snow... so much that he whines at the door to go out and play... constantly!

That's all I have for you right now.  Like I said, just a bunch of whining... nothing of value here.