Thursday, 31 May 2012

The great wheat debate

I posted before that my naturopath told me to give up wheat, sugar, and cola. I've done pretty good. I've avoided wheat, avoided sugar, and only had two cans of diet Coke in the past 3 weeks. That's pretty good considering that I used to drink 4 cans per day.

So initially I lost 9 lbs in the first week doing this and them went up and down for a week which really pissed me off. This week my body is seeming to get it again and the losses are starting again.

In the last 3 weeks I've lost a total
of 16 lbs. I really want to lose another 10 by the end of June. Not that 25 lbs is nearly enough, but when I see the rE and they start in about my weight and bmi at least I can tell them that I've lost that weight so far. It's frustrating because I'm on a really high dose of Provera which basically causes weight gain - it seems so counter-productive. The doctor tells you to lose weight and then gives you drugs that cause weight gain.

But for now, I'll take the 16!

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Dark Clouds Descend

I'm depressed.  It's official.  I'm depressed. I can't seem to find anything that makes me happy lately.  I'm stressed about everything.  I'm stressed about money, babies, work, house, yard, health, etc.  There doesn't seem to be anything that doesn't stress me out.  I had a massive anxiety attack last night about money.

Money has never been my friend.  I never seem to have enough of it.  When I start to worry about money, only one thing makes me feel better... shopping.  See the problem there!?   Yeah, endless cycle.  My bankruptcy clears in July and I'm happy about that, but now I've started to stress over student loans, because anyone who's ever had Canada student loans knows what asses they are to deal with.  I have an old credit card debt that refused to join the bankruptcy because my mother co-signed (so they went after her for the money).  I'm concerned about this because they have never sent out a statement with similar amounts twice...every statement is higher or lower by 300-500 dollars.  I can't get a straight answer out of them.  My husband is on a temporary contract and we don't know if he will be employed next year, and that's stressing me out because we need the money.  Not having him employed over the summer is going to be tough enough - we had too many bills this year and didn't manage to save nearly enough to get us through the summer properly, so we'll be skimping.

My husband is from a family where money has never been a big deal  - they have lots so they don't stress over it.  My history is not so nice.  I remember overhearing conversations between my parents about bankers, losing the house and business, them having to empty my education account in order to cover inventory costs, etc.  Since I was about 11, I have had anxiety over money and what it leads to.  It bothers me a lot that between the two of us we clear over $75,000 a year and we still live paycheque to paycheque.

I keep running into people who have kids who don't seem to be caring for them.  Yesterday in a store, I saw this woman with a little girl.  This child was about 8 and I would say weighed about 3 times as much as she should have.  Now, I know that some children can't help it and I wasn't judging... until I saw the cart and heard the kid.  The cart was filled with nothing but sugary crap full of chemicals and crap.  In fact, as I walked by, my cart full of veggies, fruit, fish, and lean meat, the woman looked in and rolled her eyes.  Yes, lady, that's what we eat.  As I was walking away, the girl grabbed a bag of cookies out of the cart, threw it to the floor and screamed "not that kind bitch!  I don't like that kind!!".  The woman did nothing about it.  As they walked away (cookie bag still on the floor), the girl kept swearing all the way down the aisle.  It made me more bitter about not being able to have children.

I'm so bitter and angry about everything.  I don't know how to fix it... I just know that I'm there.  I haven't been sleeping lately and that's making me grumpy too.  I have 20 days of work left (15 if you count all the damned appointments that I have) so I can make it through to the summer vacation... but I'm emotionally exhausted.  I want to curl up in a ball and never get up.  Just throw a blanket over my head and close out everything.

To top it all off, my brother is still being an ass and refusing to talk to me.  He talked to my husband and said that he just feels like he has to be on "pins and needles" around me all the time.  I can only assume (and I"m pretty sure I"m right about this) that it is because of the IF.  That really bothers me... I was super supportive girl through all four of their miscarriages.  I have helped them with everything that they need, including taking 10 days off of subbing in my first year of teaching (when we really needed the money to pay for our wedding) to be there to help with their newborn daughter.  But this means nothing.  Apparently, he is uncomfortable - MY condition makes HIM uncomfortable.  He's an ass!  As I told my mother - it's pathetic when I get more support from friends and strangers than my own family!  But it's bugging me that he's still not talking to me.  I have no contact with my SIL or their kids and that bothers me.  I cried for an hour yesterday because I miss them.  Those kids are what keep me going and he's done the one thing that would hurt me most... take them away from me.

I have an appointment tomorrow night with a therapist... hopefully she can help.  I saw her speak at an event last week and others have recommended her as well... so I am thinking she should be able to help.  She went through her own battle with IF, so at least she understands.

I just want the dark clouds to go away... I miss the sunshine!

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Going to Cry Now

Well the appointment with the oncologist did not go well today.  I'm so sick of this bullshit.  I'm sorry, but I am.  I'm tired of being pushed around and left hanging by the medical community.

Basically, she said that the standard treatment for hyperplasia is very high doses of progesterone taken continuously for at least 6 months.  During that time, she wants to do biopsies at 3 and 6 months.  If the biopsy comes back clear at 3 months, we still do the additional 3 months of progesterone.  If it doesn't, we continue continue the progesterone and test again at 6 months, etc.  Basically, stay on the progesterone until we get a clear biopsy, then continue the progesterone for 3 more months after that.  THEN she wants two more 3 month biopsies without medication to come back clear before she clears us to TTC again.  Which means best-case scenario, we're looking at one year from now.

She did say that if the RE says that is ok doing fertility treatments on me after the initial three or six months, that she (the oncologist) will give her blessing.  She said her job is obviously to fix the cancer problem, and help preserve survival, not fertility, but she understood that I want to preserve that, so is willing to work with me on that.

I asked why this wasn't done last year with the other oncologist.  She said, "well, your hyperplasia was simple then".  I corrected her and told her that it was exactly the same as now.  She was shocked.  I'm wondering if I should lodge a complaint against the other oncologist for lacking to give me standard care in this case.  If he would have done standard care, we would be clear to TTC now.  I'm just so pissed off.

I spent the better part of the day crying in my car -since I was in the city.  I had to run out of Walmart in tears at one point.

To top off my fantastic day, my SIL called and my brother is in a hissy fit over an argument we had when he was drunk and I was sick of his shit.  He doesn't remember what happened other than I called him a name and now he's pissed.  His solution is to not talk to me and not let me see his kids.  They are the one thing that makes me happy and he knows that.  He's uncomfortable with the infertility and is apparently worried about "setting me off" and feels he has to "be on pins and needles" around me.  I foudn this out when my hubby called him tonight to confront him on his bullshit.  I find this to be so incredibly unfair of him.  When they were experiencing all their miscarriages, I was there, keeping them company, talking about it if they needed to.  As recently as February, when they miscarried again... I spent hours on the phone crying and talking with my SIL... but apparently, I don't deserve the same kind of respect.

So that set off another ugly cry.

So, I was suppose to be on 160 mg of Megace per day, but apparently no drug store in the city carries it.  So I went with the second option - 200 mg of Provera per day.  I've been on 10 mg per day on CD 10-24 and it brings on headaches and rage... I can only imagine what 200 mg is going to do.  This will not be pleasant people.  Not. Pleasant. At. All.

All I know is that it is enough already.  I can't take any more.  I can't keep doing this.  I'm at the end of my rope... I don't have any more emotional reserves left.  Knowing that we're going to hit four years of TTC without a baby, well it's just too much to bear. :(

Going to cry now.

Why bother?

I'm not sure there is any point even bothering to Ttc anymore. Everytime I get a sliver of hope it gets torn down by a tidal wave of crap and bad news. I'm pretty much ready to give up. I don't think putting my body or emotions through this is worth it anymore.

I'm going to go cry again now

Colour Me SHocked!!

I just got off the phone with the fertility clinic that I was referred to - where I can finally see an RE.  I was referred on April 12th and I got a letter saying that it would be about 6 months, but that I was on the cancellation list... well, guess what???  SOMEONE CANCELLED!!  I"m choosing to believe that they cancelled because they got pregnant, not for bad news.

I have an appointment on June 26th!!!  Less than 6 weeks away.  Hopefully the oncologist can deal with the other issues by that time and we can get moving on this.  Fingers crossed.

Well, I'm off to see my new oncologist.  I just realised that she is in the same office as the old one, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but who knows.  I'm just hoping that she does something to fix this fast.

Who knows, maybe by July we'll be onto fertility treatments!  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Not-A-Mother's Day Again


Three years ago we started TTC - well according to the banner on my blog it is 3 years, 1 week, 1 day.  That's  157 weeks.  That's 1104 days. 26496 hours. ... and the list goes on.  I don't know why I had the need to figure that out, but it just seems so much bigger and so much more representative to write it that way.  How much worse does it sound... oh, I've been TTC for 3 years, or I've been TTC to for 26,000 hours.  I think that the more you break it down, the more it shows the gravity and pain of the situation.

I've been trying to put it all into perspective.  Trying to figure out whether I can do this any longer... whether I can wait out another 3 or 6 years if I need to.  Do I have it in me to say that I've been TTC for nine years?  I don't know.  I honestly don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if I will be able to handle four years TTC.  I don't want to give up.  I want a child.  I just want to be a mother.

I don't want to have to sit at home and hide out on this day.  I want to not feel like a freak when I go on FB on a specific day of the year.  I don't want to feel like I have to avoid stores and the public in general during the month of May.  I want to live my life normally and not feel like I have to hide or explain myself would be nice.

I made the mistake of going on FB today. I should have stayed away.  It was all "I love being a mom" and "happy mother's day" messages.  It made me feel empty and numb.  I almost feel like maybe this is progress.  Last year on Mother's day (after two years TTC) I stayed in bed for most of the afternoon and cried.  I only managed to pull it together long enough to call my mother and grandmother.  This year I actually have no feelings at all.  I'm totally numb.  It doesn't hurt at all. Is that good?  I haven't cried today - maybe that will change, but right now I feel empty. :(

To all those who are still waiting to be mothers, I feel your pain.
To all those who have experienced the thrill of a BFP only to have it taken away, you have my sympathies.
To all those who have held their precious babies to have them taken away, my condolences and heart goes out to you.
To all those who have chosen not to have children, I support your choice.
To all those who have crossed the great divide and have a child whose smile and love you can enjoy today - enjoy it and don't take it for granted, so many of us would give anything to be in your place - have a wonderful day.

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Scale results

Well, weighed myself this morning... Down 5 lbs since Wednesday morning. Let's hope it continues!

Not that bad

In response to a couple of questions I got last post... the book I was referring to is "Wheat Belly" by Dr. William Davis.  I'm not that far into it, but so far it all makes sense, and from how the naturopath explained it all from the book, it really does sound like me.  Sorry I didn't put the name in last time - I meant to :)

Well, I have completed 3 days of no cola, no wheat, and no sugar. So far so good. I don't feel like I'm restricted...but I've been busy.  This weekend will be a different story.  It's when I'm at home on the weekend that I'm into the Diet Coke, the starches, the chips, and the sweets.  It's going to be a tough day today I fear.

Originally the naturopath (Dr. G) said that I could start by just cutting back. She said that if I went from 3 cans of pop a day to 1 that was still a huge reduction.  But I know me.  One will lead to two will lead to three... so it's cold turkey or nothing.

Yesterday was interesting.  Someone (I found out later it was my "enemy" at work) brought in a bunch of snacks... chips, pretzels, chocolate, jelly beans... nothing healthy about it, and nothing that I could eat at all.  I avoided them and ate my bag of cashews and pecans instead.  A few people commented on my willpower not eating the snacks.  I told them that they had no idea...

I told a couple of coworkers that I was on a wheat and sugar restriction. One of them told me that she has cut out bread and most carbs in the past month and has noticed a difference in certain symptoms.  She is doing it for weight loss leading up to her brother's wedding, but still... it is nice to know that someone else is in on this.  Of course we all went for Chinese food for lunch, and she ordered the meal with chicken balls and breaded shrimp, so she's not THAT into it. LOL.  I discovered that the local place has an amazing beef and broccoli dish that I could every day!!!  Their fried rice is amazing too.  Funny what you discover when you have to eliminate stuff from your diet.

I'm going to weigh myself this morning and see if I've dropped anything... here's hoping.  I know it's only three days and it's possible I haven't, but a drop in that number would help to spur me on.

On a side note, my father came over while I was at work on Thursday and plowed my garden space, so that's a bonus... now I have to go out and rake it up, then figure out what to plant.  I'm not a gardener, so I don't know how this going to turn out.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Holy Update Batman

So, what’s new?  Well, where do I start…
We went out to Calgary for my uncle’s funeral.  It was nice to see family again – I just wish it was under better circumstances.  There were only a couple of questions about us having kids, and the response of “eventually” was enough to hold them off.  Well, all except one…

Once upon a time there was this asshole.  He is my uncle.  I was raised to hate him.  I know it’s not right, but he cheated my father out of tens of thousands of dollars long before I was born – didn’t pay him for work, stole land, stole cattle, etc – so my father refused to speak to him for the entirety of my childhood.  Since I’ve been an adult, I’ve run into him at family functions.  This guy is such a jerk that at my brother’s wedding, he actually went up to one of the bridesmaids who had a tattoo on her chest and poked it saying “what’s this”.  Creep!  Anyway, he has no filter and thinks that everyone should bow to him.  Do you hate him enough now?  Well, he turned, point-blank, to my 54-year-old cousin who is unmarried and doesn’t have kids, and said “so, why aren’t you married… why didn’t you ever get married”.  Her response was perfect … “honestly, I never saw it as a priority for me.  It wasn’t something that I needed in my life”.  She looked at me and I smiled in a reassuring way.  Instead of responding to her, he looked at me and said “so, is THAT the reason YOU don’t have kids”.  I responded with “no, actually the reason is none of your fucking business”.  At that point, my father – who was sitting a couple of chairs from me – changed the subject to politics… a much less hostile subject.  Short of that, it was good.  Even being around my pregnant cousin wasn’t horrible.  I wouldn’t be able to be around her all the time, but it wasn’t horrible.  And it was a bonus that I had my niece and nephew hanging off of me, so that occupied me, and I do them dearly!

At one point, my niece said that she wanted to go into the house with me (keep in mind that she’s three).  So we went.  She plopped on a chair and said “sit down auntie.  I wanna talk”.  So I sat down.  She looks at me all serious and said “we were in the car long to get here”.  I told her that I knew that and asked if she saw any dinosaurs on the trip (they drove through Drumheller on the way – if you don’t know what this has to do with dinosaurs, look it up… seriously).  She just looked at me and said…

“no, no dinosaurs.  I saw fishies.  In the car.  On the tv.  There were fishies.  I like fishies.  I like kitties more.  Mommy likes kitties.  Brother likes kitties. Daddy doesn’t like kitties.  Daddy likes puppies.  I don’t like puppies.  Brother doesn’t like puppies.  But I like kitties.  I like your kitty.  Does your kitty like me?  I like your kitty.  I miss your kitty.  I gonna come and play with your kitty in summer.  Ok?  I like kitties.  Your kitty played with me.  And I like kitties”. 

This was all followed up by a giant sigh.  Then she kicked her legs a few times and said “ok, time to go back outside”.  It was very adorable.  That child is so cute that my uterus aches every time I see her.
It was a very long weekend and on the way home we stopped to see another one of my uncles who is not in good health.  He was the one who my dad was the closest to growing up.  They farmed together as young men, and took care of their mother together when their father died.  He is the uncle that I was the closest too.  It bothered me when my uncle in Calgary died but when this other uncle dies I’m going to be devastated – he was a second father to me.  Anyway, his health is failing and he recently had to go into a nursing home.  He was upset that he couldn’t go to the funeral, but we gave him a good run down of what happened and he and my dad talked for nearly two hours and he was feeling better about the whole situation.  By the time I got home it was 11 pm on Saturday night… we had left home at 7 am on Thursday morning.  Very long weekend!

I went to an infertility support group on Tuesday night.  It was really good.  I was terrified to go, but I had a good friend to come along, and I found it really helpful.  Just knowing that others can really get what you are saying… and being able to say it to their faces.  It was reassuring and validating.  I felt like my story is the craziest one there by far – but then who doesn’t feel that way sometimes.  It was just nice to know that these people got me… completely.

On Wednesday I went to the naturopath.  Oh boy – this might really kill me.  Besides being completely shocked by my story, she felt that I was in insulin resistance from wheat overload.  She recommended a book to me and told me that her plan for me was to eliminate cola (I’m a bit of an addict), wheat (this could be tough) and sugar (just kill me now).  She said that the cola is just bad for so many reasons.  I don’t want to quit, but I already knew I would when I was pregnant, so why not now.  The wheat is tough – I love my carbs.  The book she recommended is quite good and has a lot of alternatives.  There is no limit to nuts, cheese, good fats in general, in fact it says you should eat lots of nuts to help balance out the system.  I actually found an interesting wheat free bread recipe online – I’m going to try in a couple of weeks and see if it will work.  If I can find a way to still have bread/buns, I will be fine.  I found brown rice pasta which isn’t too bad actually, so I’m good with that.  So it’s just the bread.  The sugar might kill me though.  I’m not to add sugar to anything, and buy products with the least sugar possible.  I actually managed today – I used plain yogurt, threw in some fresh strawberries, a teaspoon of vanilla, and a packet of stevia (which she said was fine for sweetening).  I added hemp hearts before I ate it and it was actually really good.  The book has opened my eyes to a lot of stuff so far (and I’m only two chapters in).  I’ll have to give it a full review when I’m finished.

She also gave me a calcium/magnesium powder to take before bed.  She said it will help with sleeping and help to curb the cravings for chocolate (yeah right… has she met me?).  She said chocolate cravings were a sign of magnesium deficiency.  She warned me that it’s fizzy and really sour so just to pound it back.  I was worried, but the fizz is good – I miss that with the cola gone… and I love love sour.  It tastes like a fresh lemon with fizz… and I usually just peel and eat lemons.  So, that I can handle.

Lastly, but definitely not leastly (yeah yeah I know)… I got an appointment with an oncologist.  Apparently my ob/gyn called the woman who is covering for my oncologist and told her the story.  She said she’d fit me in next week.  So I have an appointment for Tuesday afternoon.  I also had a very nice message on my answering machine from the new doctor apologizing that her colleague failed to see me in a timely manner, but she hoped this would make up for it.  I hope that it does and that this time something happens to fix this problem.

I just want to feel normal and be healthy, so that we can get back on the TTC wagon for real!!