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Sunday, 13 May 2012

Not-A-Mother's Day Again

Wow.

Three years ago we started TTC - well according to the banner on my blog it is 3 years, 1 week, 1 day.  That's  157 weeks.  That's 1104 days. 26496 hours. ... and the list goes on.  I don't know why I had the need to figure that out, but it just seems so much bigger and so much more representative to write it that way.  How much worse does it sound... oh, I've been TTC for 3 years, or I've been TTC to for 26,000 hours.  I think that the more you break it down, the more it shows the gravity and pain of the situation.

I've been trying to put it all into perspective.  Trying to figure out whether I can do this any longer... whether I can wait out another 3 or 6 years if I need to.  Do I have it in me to say that I've been TTC for nine years?  I don't know.  I honestly don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if I will be able to handle four years TTC.  I don't want to give up.  I want a child.  I just want to be a mother.

I don't want to have to sit at home and hide out on this day.  I want to not feel like a freak when I go on FB on a specific day of the year.  I don't want to feel like I have to avoid stores and the public in general during the month of May.  I want to live my life normally and not feel like I have to hide or explain myself would be nice.

I made the mistake of going on FB today. I should have stayed away.  It was all "I love being a mom" and "happy mother's day" messages.  It made me feel empty and numb.  I almost feel like maybe this is progress.  Last year on Mother's day (after two years TTC) I stayed in bed for most of the afternoon and cried.  I only managed to pull it together long enough to call my mother and grandmother.  This year I actually have no feelings at all.  I'm totally numb.  It doesn't hurt at all. Is that good?  I haven't cried today - maybe that will change, but right now I feel empty. :(

To all those who are still waiting to be mothers, I feel your pain.
To all those who have experienced the thrill of a BFP only to have it taken away, you have my sympathies.
To all those who have held their precious babies to have them taken away, my condolences and heart goes out to you.
To all those who have chosen not to have children, I support your choice.
To all those who have crossed the great divide and have a child whose smile and love you can enjoy today - enjoy it and don't take it for granted, so many of us would give anything to be in your place - have a wonderful day.

2 comments:

MN

I too hide out this day. I hope that when I decide I can go no further on this journey, somehow or another this day manages to lose its sting. Sending a hug from someone who does understand.

Jenny

Yeah, as soon as I logged onto Facebook yesterday, I immediately regretted it. I should have known better.

I hope we both reach the point where Mother's Day isn't all about sadness and self-preservation.

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