That's it... I quit!

I talked to my grandmother tonight...

Apparently, one of my cousins on the other side of my family is pregnant and due at the end of June.

Just kill me now! I think that I've cried more in the last two weeks than I have in years.

That's it... I quit.

Damned Fertile Family

I know that some of you are in the same boat as me on this one... Any help on how you deal with this would be helpful.

I called my mother last night. I had no plans of talking to her for about nine months or so if possible, but I didn't have a choice. I got an email from my cousin that my uncle is back in the hospital again. He's my godfather and favourite uncle. He's my father's immediately older brother (my dad is from a family of 7 kids), and the brother that he was always the closest to. Anyway, he's been in and out of the hospital for years and he's back in now.

Since my mother checks her email about once a month, I thought I better call her. Turns out she already knew (someone called them), but she had another piece of news...

My uncle's daughter (the one who emailed me) is pregnant and due at the end of July.

I nearly lost it. I managed to hold the tears back but was hit with a sudden wave of anger. My response was something like this...

"good lord! seriously??!! If one more person in this family announces a pregnancy, I'm out. I'm just leaving the family for good".

My mom was a bit snarky and said "well would you rather not know?". Now, understand that this is not said with sympathy, it was complete harsh.

I responded that no, I wanted to know, but it was really upsetting and frustrating that all these people who already have two kids each are getting pregnant AGAIN and all I want is one and can't have it! It hurts.

She actually had a sliver of sympathy at that point. She said "yeah, it must be hard. I can't imagine". And that was the end of her being sympathetic... she changed the topic to talk about... yup, you guessed it, my nephew. Yes, because when someone is upset about their infertility, the best thing you can do is to talk about someone else's kids.

sigh.

Seriously?? How did I get blessed with such a fertile family and get stuck in this hell hole of infertility?

On the upside, I"m now down a total of 16 lbs since January 9th. The better part is that I've lost 6 inches off my waist, 3 off my hips, and five off my thighs. My bust has only lost one, but really, I"m good with that. :) The last two weeks have a been a struggle because I was on the progesterone pills - one of their nice side effects? Weight gain. So I figure the fact that I only lost 2.2 lbs over the past two weeks is still a bonus. Thank goodness I only have one more month of the pills left (hopefully).

I Survived

Well, Christmas is virtually over at the in-laws. It's after 11 pm. The parents in-law are asleep, the brother in-law and his wife left hours ago, hubby is playing his new video game. All is quiet.

And I survived!

All day I was a bit on edge but trying not to show it.

Originally, BIL and wife were supposed to show up around noon. They called and said it would be closer to 4. Then they called at 4 and said not until 5. They showed up at about 5:45. Then they wanted to open gifts first. Did I mention that the turkey was ready at about 5:00. Basically the whole supper was sitting there getting somewhat cold when they were wanting to open gifts. But we opened gifts.

Then supper. The wine bottle is pulled out. "who wants wine". BIL's wife states very loudly that she does... and I"m instantly relaxed. If she's drinking she's not pregnant. I know, I know, you're thinking "well, what if she just doesn't care, or know the dangers". She's a very sweet woman (how she ended up with him is beyond me), and she's a teacher who deals with kids who have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome everyday. She knows and I'm 100% positive she wouldn't risk even one drink if she was pregnant.

So, avoided that arrow... this time. We probably won't see them again until Easter (at the earliest) and hopefully by that time I'm back on the Clomid or pregnant already.

Tomorrow we head home (after hitting a couple of Boxing Day sales) to finish getting ready for my family Christmas. A bit more of an energetic and activity packed day - at least one where everyone isn't in a different room anyway. The possible pregnancy announcements have passed as I'm pretty sure my brother's wife is not expecting. She wants a third, but he says they are done. They just bought a new house and moved - now they have a bunch of reno to do. They aren't planning on getting pregnant - that doesn't mean she's not, but I doubt it. At least if she announced it she would understand why I would have a hard time being excited. She knows about my struggles and has dealt with numerous miscarriages in the past so gets the pain of IF. We're close, so I could at least hug her and then go and cry and she would understand... but I"m pretty sure that won't be an issue.

Merry Christmas to you all!

Family Drama

Yes, it's Christmas, and yes that means family... in my family that means drama! Some real, some assumed.

My side of the family is all sorts of messed up. Sometimes they are great, sometimes they are... well... not. I'm not going to get into all the details here right now. It would take too long and I"m not the mood to relive it all right now. It's enough to say that the Christmas season has been rather messed up this year thanks to some less-than-thoughtful actions of certain family members. My mother, in particular, is not sympathetic or helpful on the TTC front at all. She makes a point of talking to me about having kids and I hear from her often "when you have kids", etc. When I try to talk to her about the medical issues or tests, she changes the topic - usually to talk about my niece or nephew. It hurts. It hurts especially since it took her two years to conceive me and she should get it. But that's a whole other story for another day. I have hubby agreeing at this point that if my mother says anything about babies or us having kids, I will leave the room and he will tell her how inappropriate it is given our problems TTC and my medical issues. He wants to just kick her out, but I don't want to ruin the entire day for everyone because of an issue that I have. But I digress....

Typically, time with my in-laws is fairly easy. They mostly keep to themselves. We stay at their place, maybe have a meal or two with them, and go about our own ways. Mostly it's because they both have very demanding jobs which require them to be on-call or out-of-town for the weekends, or all week leaving only the weekend for stuff around the house, etc. So they are busy. Except at Christmas when it's a bit bizarre.

Each Christmas we have spent with them involves a lot of sitting around, reading, not much else going on. My family is pretty social and we find stuff to do together - it probably helps that there are little kids on my side of the family which makes Christmas a bit different. But it's really mellow here.

The perceived (or real) drama here is with my brother-in-law. Put plainly, he's an ass! No better way to say it. He's the centre of his universe and nobody else knows anything or is capable of anything. I really hate spending time with him. He comes around for about three hours on Christmas Day each year - and sometimes we have to see him once or twice the rest of the year... thankfully it's never for a long time.

So here is my fear that always comes up around family gatherings with my in-laws. My brother-in-law is 36 and his wife is 40. They have no kids, but she has given the impression that she wants them - he on the other hand has not. I'm not close enough to my sister-in-law to ask her if they are TTC or not. I wouldn't dream of asking something like that - it's just too personal. And my mother-in-law is not one to pry, so she has no idea. So my fear is always that they are going to announce that they are expecting. Every family gathering, I have a horrible feeling that they are going to announce. Every time. It's probably ridiculous as I'm sure that my brother-in-law doesn't want children at all, but I worry none-the-less.

I should be happy for my sister-in-law if they are expecting. If she truly wants children, if she can get pregnant at 40, I should happy. Besides, it would be a new baby in the family which would be great. But in my head I have the "boo hoo, poor me" thing going on.

I know it's not right, but that's just where I am with it. I guess we'll find out tomorrow afternoon.

Massive Breakdown

Last night I had a complete break down. Sobbing hard for over an hour. Hyperventilating sobbing. Sobbing that got my husband freaking out and wanting to take me to the hospital because I wasn't stopping. Why??

I did something so stupid. I watched an episode of one of my favourite TV shows... an episode that I had heard from some friends would be bad for me. But I was determined that I had to watch it and thought that I had been in an ok place about all of this waiting and TTC crap so why not watch it.

It was an episode of How I Met Your Mother. If you aren't familiar with the show it is about a group of friends in New York. One of the friends is a young woman who has made it clear that she does not want to be a parent... ever. So she has a one-night with one of the others on the show, and starts to think that she is pregnant. She isn't thrilled but starts to warm up to the idea of it. When she gets the test results that she's not, she's pretty happy about it. But a week later she gets called back to the doctor who tells her that she can never have children. The end of the show is her in her apartment with another friend who is telling her that she will never be alone and she breaks down (she hasn't told any of her friends about her inability to have children). Later the narrator says that "Robin never did become a mother, but she was a successful reporter and a world traveller, and she was never alone".

I finished the show and broke down completely. I started sobbing and hyperventilating.

It all just hit me at once. If I can't have kids I feel like I"m going to be a failure. I know how people talk about those women who can't have children. "oh, she was this and this and this and never had children". I don't know if I will be able to continue working as a teacher if I can't have children. I love my job but I'm not sure I can deal with other people's children all day and not have my own. I already feel like I"ve accomplished nothing important in my life. My main goal was to be a mother, and I seem to be failing miserably at that one. Everything else that I achieve is tarnished for me because I don't have children. My thoughts immediately became "she's just a teacher with no kids".

Don't get me wrong, I love my job right now. I really do. But let's be honest... some of the people I work with, some of my teaching colleagues, are not the brightest bulbs in the box. It has been my experience that it doesn't take a genius to get through teacher's college and become a teacher. Sure, some teachers are brilliant and amazing at what they do, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist or someone even incredibly dedicated to teach. I work with some people who are the perfect example of that.

I feel like I've failed myself and my husband. I was accepted to Harvard Law for god's sake, and I chose to give it up and become a teacher. And now I am wondering why I did that. Sure Harvard would have been a challenge financially but I'd probably be making half a million a year by now, living in New York, and living a fabulous life where I could pay any amount of money to get a baby. Instead I work with children who rarely appreciate what I do, many of whom are quick to tell me that they hate me on any given day. I work with parents who don't care if their children come to school or complete assignments. I work with teachers who couldn't be bothered to do their jobs properly, because nobody is watching their every move. All this and I don't even have my own kids to go home to. I feel like I have failed my husband. He wants children so badly and I am the reason why that hasn't happened for him.

SO I feel like a complete failure, and that for the next week I have to deal with the Christmas fallout of this. I have to deal with my mother's comments about children. I have to deal with my niece and nephew who I love dearly but who it pains me to be around. I have to deal with my brother and his wife who are so wrapped up in themselves, and who have known for the past month that I have been waiting on a cancer diagnosis but have not inquired once as to how I'm doing.

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I know that some of the moodiness has to do with the Provera. I'm three days from the end of it and I'm starting to feel the results emotionally rather than physically. The nightly headaches are making me crazy too!

So today I'm sitting here with giant bags under my eyes, puffiness, and a headache that makes me want to just live in a dark room. But I can't. I have to pack up and head to the city for Christmas with my husband's family. I have to finish my Christmas shopping today, and then spend another holiday season without a baby to hold.

I'm just sad.