Saturday, 22 June 2013

Too fat to parent

So what's new? Oh right, I'm too fat to be a parent. Yeah you read that right.

Two weeks ago I saw my oncologist who said I was all clear - no cancer, no precancer, nothing abnormal - and she didn't need to see me again. At that point I made an appointment with my RE hoping she would get us going on the clomid track and move this baby-making train along. In the back of my mind I had a feeling she wasn't going to help.

So we saw her on the 20th. She went through our histories and then proceeded to tell me that at my weight she couldn't do anything to help me - not even clomid because the pregnancy would be too dangerous.

Here is what pisses me off. Before going on the megestrol for the precancerous endometrial cells, I had lost nearly 50 lbs. then the minute I started the pills I started to gain and ended up gaining more than 70lbs. Now I'm told that I need to lose a minimum of 100lbs before the RE will even consider helping. Did you notice the word consider? It's not even a guarantee that if I can lose it that she will help. Top this off with my weight loss history of getting to 30-40 lbs and then plateauing for several weeks and 100lbs will take more than a year. At that point I'll be nearing 38 and my eggs will probably have withered away from non use. 

Add to this that every time in the past four years that I've gone even four months without medication I end up with the precancerous condition returning. If it comes back again it's going to be pretty hard to find a doctor who will treat me because the standard of care at that point is hysterectomy.

I'm just so sad and frustrated. At this point I think the only way I will lose is to stop eating altogether... Something which has my husband really upset with me. When I refused to eat supper he started in on the lectures. He's an eternal optimist and thinks we can do this. He says we but I damned well how it will play out. I will bust my ass to eat healthy and lose weight and he'll sit there eating chips. I can't tell you how many times it has happened that way.

I even looked into the surgery route. Gastric bypass. At least it would help the weight come off. Unfortunately it is a year waiting list to have that done too. So wait a year for the surgery and then who knows how long for the rest of the weight to come off.

At this point I am just sitting depressed wishing I could just end it all. I either stare blankly or I'm crying. I feel like this horrible, disgusting person who doesn't deserve to live. After all, if I'm too fat to be a parent, then obviously I'm too fat and unworthy to live.