Sunday, 25 December 2011

I Survived

Well, Christmas is virtually over at the in-laws. It's after 11 pm. The parents in-law are asleep, the brother in-law and his wife left hours ago, hubby is playing his new video game. All is quiet.

And I survived!

All day I was a bit on edge but trying not to show it.

Originally, BIL and wife were supposed to show up around noon. They called and said it would be closer to 4. Then they called at 4 and said not until 5. They showed up at about 5:45. Then they wanted to open gifts first. Did I mention that the turkey was ready at about 5:00. Basically the whole supper was sitting there getting somewhat cold when they were wanting to open gifts. But we opened gifts.

Then supper. The wine bottle is pulled out. "who wants wine". BIL's wife states very loudly that she does... and I"m instantly relaxed. If she's drinking she's not pregnant. I know, I know, you're thinking "well, what if she just doesn't care, or know the dangers". She's a very sweet woman (how she ended up with him is beyond me), and she's a teacher who deals with kids who have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome everyday. She knows and I'm 100% positive she wouldn't risk even one drink if she was pregnant.

So, avoided that arrow... this time. We probably won't see them again until Easter (at the earliest) and hopefully by that time I'm back on the Clomid or pregnant already.

Tomorrow we head home (after hitting a couple of Boxing Day sales) to finish getting ready for my family Christmas. A bit more of an energetic and activity packed day - at least one where everyone isn't in a different room anyway. The possible pregnancy announcements have passed as I'm pretty sure my brother's wife is not expecting. She wants a third, but he says they are done. They just bought a new house and moved - now they have a bunch of reno to do. They aren't planning on getting pregnant - that doesn't mean she's not, but I doubt it. At least if she announced it she would understand why I would have a hard time being excited. She knows about my struggles and has dealt with numerous miscarriages in the past so gets the pain of IF. We're close, so I could at least hug her and then go and cry and she would understand... but I"m pretty sure that won't be an issue.

Merry Christmas to you all!

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Family Drama

Yes, it's Christmas, and yes that means family... in my family that means drama! Some real, some assumed.

My side of the family is all sorts of messed up. Sometimes they are great, sometimes they are... well... not. I'm not going to get into all the details here right now. It would take too long and I"m not the mood to relive it all right now. It's enough to say that the Christmas season has been rather messed up this year thanks to some less-than-thoughtful actions of certain family members. My mother, in particular, is not sympathetic or helpful on the TTC front at all. She makes a point of talking to me about having kids and I hear from her often "when you have kids", etc. When I try to talk to her about the medical issues or tests, she changes the topic - usually to talk about my niece or nephew. It hurts. It hurts especially since it took her two years to conceive me and she should get it. But that's a whole other story for another day. I have hubby agreeing at this point that if my mother says anything about babies or us having kids, I will leave the room and he will tell her how inappropriate it is given our problems TTC and my medical issues. He wants to just kick her out, but I don't want to ruin the entire day for everyone because of an issue that I have. But I digress....

Typically, time with my in-laws is fairly easy. They mostly keep to themselves. We stay at their place, maybe have a meal or two with them, and go about our own ways. Mostly it's because they both have very demanding jobs which require them to be on-call or out-of-town for the weekends, or all week leaving only the weekend for stuff around the house, etc. So they are busy. Except at Christmas when it's a bit bizarre.

Each Christmas we have spent with them involves a lot of sitting around, reading, not much else going on. My family is pretty social and we find stuff to do together - it probably helps that there are little kids on my side of the family which makes Christmas a bit different. But it's really mellow here.

The perceived (or real) drama here is with my brother-in-law. Put plainly, he's an ass! No better way to say it. He's the centre of his universe and nobody else knows anything or is capable of anything. I really hate spending time with him. He comes around for about three hours on Christmas Day each year - and sometimes we have to see him once or twice the rest of the year... thankfully it's never for a long time.

So here is my fear that always comes up around family gatherings with my in-laws. My brother-in-law is 36 and his wife is 40. They have no kids, but she has given the impression that she wants them - he on the other hand has not. I'm not close enough to my sister-in-law to ask her if they are TTC or not. I wouldn't dream of asking something like that - it's just too personal. And my mother-in-law is not one to pry, so she has no idea. So my fear is always that they are going to announce that they are expecting. Every family gathering, I have a horrible feeling that they are going to announce. Every time. It's probably ridiculous as I'm sure that my brother-in-law doesn't want children at all, but I worry none-the-less.

I should be happy for my sister-in-law if they are expecting. If she truly wants children, if she can get pregnant at 40, I should happy. Besides, it would be a new baby in the family which would be great. But in my head I have the "boo hoo, poor me" thing going on.

I know it's not right, but that's just where I am with it. I guess we'll find out tomorrow afternoon.

Friday, 23 December 2011

Massive Breakdown

Last night I had a complete break down. Sobbing hard for over an hour. Hyperventilating sobbing. Sobbing that got my husband freaking out and wanting to take me to the hospital because I wasn't stopping. Why??

I did something so stupid. I watched an episode of one of my favourite TV shows... an episode that I had heard from some friends would be bad for me. But I was determined that I had to watch it and thought that I had been in an ok place about all of this waiting and TTC crap so why not watch it.

It was an episode of How I Met Your Mother. If you aren't familiar with the show it is about a group of friends in New York. One of the friends is a young woman who has made it clear that she does not want to be a parent... ever. So she has a one-night with one of the others on the show, and starts to think that she is pregnant. She isn't thrilled but starts to warm up to the idea of it. When she gets the test results that she's not, she's pretty happy about it. But a week later she gets called back to the doctor who tells her that she can never have children. The end of the show is her in her apartment with another friend who is telling her that she will never be alone and she breaks down (she hasn't told any of her friends about her inability to have children). Later the narrator says that "Robin never did become a mother, but she was a successful reporter and a world traveller, and she was never alone".

I finished the show and broke down completely. I started sobbing and hyperventilating.

It all just hit me at once. If I can't have kids I feel like I"m going to be a failure. I know how people talk about those women who can't have children. "oh, she was this and this and this and never had children". I don't know if I will be able to continue working as a teacher if I can't have children. I love my job but I'm not sure I can deal with other people's children all day and not have my own. I already feel like I"ve accomplished nothing important in my life. My main goal was to be a mother, and I seem to be failing miserably at that one. Everything else that I achieve is tarnished for me because I don't have children. My thoughts immediately became "she's just a teacher with no kids".

Don't get me wrong, I love my job right now. I really do. But let's be honest... some of the people I work with, some of my teaching colleagues, are not the brightest bulbs in the box. It has been my experience that it doesn't take a genius to get through teacher's college and become a teacher. Sure, some teachers are brilliant and amazing at what they do, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist or someone even incredibly dedicated to teach. I work with some people who are the perfect example of that.

I feel like I've failed myself and my husband. I was accepted to Harvard Law for god's sake, and I chose to give it up and become a teacher. And now I am wondering why I did that. Sure Harvard would have been a challenge financially but I'd probably be making half a million a year by now, living in New York, and living a fabulous life where I could pay any amount of money to get a baby. Instead I work with children who rarely appreciate what I do, many of whom are quick to tell me that they hate me on any given day. I work with parents who don't care if their children come to school or complete assignments. I work with teachers who couldn't be bothered to do their jobs properly, because nobody is watching their every move. All this and I don't even have my own kids to go home to. I feel like I have failed my husband. He wants children so badly and I am the reason why that hasn't happened for him.

SO I feel like a complete failure, and that for the next week I have to deal with the Christmas fallout of this. I have to deal with my mother's comments about children. I have to deal with my niece and nephew who I love dearly but who it pains me to be around. I have to deal with my brother and his wife who are so wrapped up in themselves, and who have known for the past month that I have been waiting on a cancer diagnosis but have not inquired once as to how I'm doing.

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I know that some of the moodiness has to do with the Provera. I'm three days from the end of it and I'm starting to feel the results emotionally rather than physically. The nightly headaches are making me crazy too!

So today I'm sitting here with giant bags under my eyes, puffiness, and a headache that makes me want to just live in a dark room. But I can't. I have to pack up and head to the city for Christmas with my husband's family. I have to finish my Christmas shopping today, and then spend another holiday season without a baby to hold.

I'm just sad.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Vacation and Excitement...

That's right... excitement. But not the good kind :(

Today was the last day of school. We had fun activities in the gym for all students who met the criteria (caught on all assignments, etc). One particular activity ended up involving the four teachers present. We had to put an Alka-Selzer in our mouths and then take a sip of 7-UP. Then you close your mouth and see how long you can hold it like that. I didn't take long to spit it out. I have a very shallow gag reflex, and then it started going up my nose. This wasn't the horrible part of the day though, and it was pretty funny. Especially when the winner of the teacher competition spit his mouthful out toward the audience of middle years students.

The teachers went out for drinks after work (a bit of Christmas cheer). I actually had two drinks. I haven't drank in about a year (what with TTC); I don't generally need alcohol to celebrate anything, but given that TTC is off the table for a few months I thought, what the heck!

After drinks and supper, back to the school hubby and I went. The students were having their winter formal dance tonight and we were to be supervising them. We got back about an hour before the dance started, so there was still set up. Hubby went to work in his classroom for a bit and I sat in the staff room and bitched with the VP and another teacher.

About half an hour later, hubby walks in - looking like death warmed over. He was pale, sweating, and hunched over. He collapsed on the couch. He had been puking suddenly and was in severe pain. He figured kidney stones. Lovely. He took some Tylenol and tried to sleep on the couch.

Just before the dance started, he came to me and said "you have to get me to an ER... quickly". He said that the pain was getting worse and (TMI time), he was unable to pee. Naturally, because she is awesome, my VP said "go go, don't worry about the dance, we've got it", and we took off.

By the time we got to the nearest hospital with an ER (about 45 minutes away), the pain had mostly disappeared. They took some urine, and discovered that yeah - blood in his urine... definitely kidney stones. Even though the pain had passed and they thought that the stone had probably dropped to his bladder, they gave him some pills to ease any further pain, and some painkillers too. He has to take the first pills for seven days, so that should stop a recurrence - at least over the holidays. He is being booked in for an ultrasound for next week to see if there are more stones forming and if he needs to go to a specialist. He has a history of stones and has never been refered to a nephrologist to have it checked.

The good thing was that the hospital we went to is a small town hospital with a 24 hour ER. Everyone at the school was saying to go there - it was closest and open, and we actually got attended to immediately upon walking in. They took his info and history immediately and the nurse and doctor checked him over less than five minutes later. The whole time in the hospital was less than 45 minutes.

I must say that it is times like this that I am reminded of how amazing our health care system is. We walked into an ER. My hubby didn't have his wallet (so no ID). They took his info, looked him up in the provincial system, and that was it. They treated him, gave him an initial dose of drugs, did a urine test, and a full checkover... and it cost us NOTHING! No payment, no nothing. The ultrasound and any followup with a specialist will cost nothing! I can't imagine the people who would be faced with this kind of pain and have to choose to stay home because they have no coverage! It's crazy! There are a lot of things that annoy me about the province I live in, but the health system is one thing that I'm eternally grateful for.

So, we're home. Apparently the dance went great. I'm sorry I missed it, but I'm glad that hubby is feeling better. He is sleeping soundly and I think that I'm going to go too. I'm so tired that I'm tired right down to my fingertips... ever been that tired? I might sleep right through morning tomorrow... and why shouldn't I? I'm on vacation!

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

A Conversation... years in the making

The other day on Facebook I got a note from my cousin asking for my phone number. It was an odd request. I've never had a relationship with my cousin. But we have talked on FB and so I sent it to her. Tonight my phone rings and sure enough, it's her.

A bit of background...

My cousin is the youngest daughter of my father's oldest brother... got all that? Well, my father and his brother had a falling out about forty years ago and until recently didn't talk. I mean they could see each other in the mall and walk right past and not say a word. They hated each other. For that reason, we grew up not really knowing each other. It sucks too, because the more I get to know her, the more I think we could have been great friends. She is six years older than me and the closest girl in age (I'm surrounded by boys in age). My father waited until he was nearly 40 to get married and start having kids (as did one of his other brothers) so there are about six of us who are much younger than the rest of the family. My oldest cousin is 55. My youngest is 31 - big age difference. Anyway, I've never had much to do with this part of the family. About three years ago, I happened to notice my cousin on FB (through another relative), so I added her. We started talking - small comments at first, but eventually having conversations. When I got married I dropped her a message telling her that if she was in the city she should come. She was thrilled - came and had a good time.

Since then we've talked on FB a lot. When she called tonight it was an easy conversation - no awkwardness at all... which is nice. It turns that we have a lot more in common that I would have ever guessed. She has been TTC for about the same amount of time that I have... but she's been at a fertility clinic the whole time. She's frustrated with all the family crap - although my family crap is minor compared to hers. She doesn't even talk to one brother, and the other two have all but disowned her for still talking to her father.

We had a great conversation about all the family crap - and the gossip of her 82 year old father moving his 60 year old girlfriend into the house he shared with her mother before her death. Anyway, we talked about my cousin's partner who is in Afghanistan right now... I pray that he is safe. We talked about her job and my job (me being a teacher and her a social worker, we tend to experience some of the same crap). Plus, the issues of TTC and adoption (they just got on the list officially).

It felt like talking to an old friend. We talked for over two hours, and I honestly think that if I called her tomorrow the same thing would happen. It's like we have 35 years to catch up on, and neither of us wants to hang up. It is nice to have someone that gets it all - the crazy family, the job, the TTC issues, all of it. It just felt so easy.

She said that she was talking to her sister and said that she was going to call me because she was tired of not having a real relationship with her family... good for her. I'm glad that she took the first step. I probably wouldn't have.

On a bit of a funny, and slightly disgusting note... my husband has been complaining about how much his stomach is bugging him tonight. He ate chicken wings for supper. He just came into the room, looking green, and said "I really wish that my mouth and my stomach would come to some sort of agreement on chicken wings". I nearly peed myself laughing.

Finally... I just need to say... this is my 100th post! yay me!

Thursday, 15 December 2011

No Tears... Amazing!

A bit of background - I think I've mentioned this before - last year, a girl at my school found out she was pregnant. She was in grade 10. She had the baby in late September. She didn't come back to school this year, because, well, she needs to take care of him. She's actually meant to be a mommy in my opinion. She's incredibly sweet and she's basically been caring for her siblings since her mother walked out when she was five.

Anyway, yesterday, she showed up at school with baby in tow. I saw her down the hall with the carseat, and I paused for a second. I turned and went back to my classroom, thinking "can I handle this". Typically even seeing a baby lately sets me off into tears (tough for Xmas shopping let me tell you). But I got back to my room and amazingly no tears, not even a twinge. In fact, I wanted to see the baby. I was shocked with myself!

Soooo, I left my room and walked back to where she was standing talking to a couple of other students. One of my grade 9s had the baby, so I said to her "ok, you're done, give him up". The girl didn't want to, but the mother said "didn't you hear her, give him to her!!". So I took the baby. As soon as I got him in my arm, he started cooing and sliming me up. Seriously, totally slobbery. I started talking to him and he started smiling at me. He was SOOOO cute!!

I held him for about five minutes, and loved every minute of it. I didn't even get mad when another teacher came by and said "look out, that's contagious". I laughed and said "I'll take my chances" while a third teacher said "ah, but it's a good thing to catch". I handed him back and didn't feel sad at all by the whole experience.

I expected that when I was driving home, alone today as my hubby was away from work, that I would be sad and end up in tears... but I didn't.

Not sure why this didn't bug me. Another Christmas season is here and no baby in sight. I was sure that I would at least be pregnant by this time. Now, we're looking at not even having a baby by next Christmas. Best case scenario, I'm pregnant by then, but that's it. I fully expect Christmas to be tough - I've been a total grinch this holiday season because of it...

but that baby... he made me smile.

Monday, 12 December 2011

Survey Says...

Took at a look at my phone today just prior to last break and discovered a phone number that looked suspiciously like it might have come from my doctor's office. I waited until the day was over and called my house to see if anyone left a message... sure enough, Dr. B's office had called me.

I called them back and was put on hold, only to have Dr. B come back on the phone. She said she had my biopsy results back...

Simple Hyperplasia without Aytpia.

I was nearly speechless. I responded with "NO atypia?" She assured me that there was no atypia. I was pretty much ecstatic at this!

I remember very clearly a year ago when I got a similar call from her to tell me that I had the worst kind of hyperplasia, and this time she's telling me that I have the best kind. If you had to choose a hyperplasia (which I don't recommend) this would be the type that you would want to choose.

So I asked her what we do next. She said that the last time I had the D&C but she would like to avoid surgery - which I'm fine with. She said that I so quickly responded to the meds last time that she wants me to start on medication asap and then in three months do another biopsy. My husband is going to pick up my prescription on Wednesday so I can start the Provera again. That should make for a great Christmas with the headaches, etc that I get with the Provera, not to mention that I should be right about at the point of horribly crampy bleeding right when we're moving my grandmother out of her house at New Years. Oh well. At least it isn't cancer right?

I told her that in my expert medical opinion (this made her giggle a bit, I haven't been cycling without medication - the provera made me have a period, and the clomid did, but off of those, I was simply spotting which would lead to buildup. She said she agreed absolutely.

I specifically asked if I could start the Clomid as soon as we had a clear biopsy. She said absolutely, there was no reason to wait. So this is the plan of action...

On Wednesday night I start the Provera. I take it for three months and in March have a biopsy (scheduled for March 14th). When the biopsy (hopefully) comes back clear, I start the Clomid and follicle tracking on the next cycle. So if everything goes as Dr. B and I expect, I should be able to start Clomid with my April cycle.

Fingers crossed.

I'm sad that I have to wait for a few more months, but I am trying to remain positive about the idea that it's not cancer, it's not even pre-cancerous, and this type of hyperplasia has an 80% chance of clearing up on it's own (and I"m going to help it along with the drugs). So, I'm trying to not get too worried about it. Sad I have to wait, but glad that it's not a worse outcome.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Clumsy, thy name is peg

Yeah, so in my last post I mentioned that I wore ratty runners to work on Friday. I didn't have much of a choice. My foot was so swollen up that none of my shoes fit right... except the ratty runners.

On Wednesday,I was carrying a TV down the steps outside our house. Why a TV you ask? Good question! We were putting on a drama production at my school and needed a TV for two of the plays. I have an 11 inch tube TV that has been sitting in my linen closet for the last 5 years... that's right, you heard me, 11 inches. I got it in 1994 for a Christmas gift in Grade 12 because I was moving out the next fall and NEEDED a TV.

Anyway, I'm clumsy. I often joke that I could fall down in bare feet on a flat floor... that's how clumsy I am - and I have before. I often lose my balance just standing. Years of ear infections have fucked me up! But I digress.

I was slowly taking the stairs, knowing that it might be a little dangerous, with the ice and the dark and not being able to see properly. I got to the bottom step and thought - YES! homefree! And then it happened....

As my left foot touched the bottom step, over it went. I flipped my ankle. Now, keep in mind that I was walking downward at the time and my other foot was basically off of the previous step, so my entire weight went down onto my turned ankle. The TV went flying and I screamed.

I hadn't felt pain like that for years! I have sprained my ankles lots in the past - I wore ankle braces for sports in highschool when they weren't a commonplace thing. But this, well this hurt worse than any sprain I ever remember (and I have been on crutches four times before for sprained ankles).

So, I spent Wednesday at work with my foot up on a chair, and an ice pack on it. All day! Wednesday night at drama practice I sat with my foot up too. No helping with walk-throughs for me. It hurt to put any weight on it at all, and even wiggling my toes resulted in a horrifying amount of pain!

Thursday wasn't as bad - it hurt, but I could put some pressure on it. I just couldn't bend it with excruciating pain shooting up my leg. I had crutches that I picked up from my parents place, but apparently in the moving (my parents moved two years ago), my dad lost the rubber tips off the end. I guess he needed the extra inch of space in a truck or something :S So the plastic ends were dangerous and I figured better to without them than have the crutches slip out from under me. So I spent a lot of time on my feet moving very slowly, as Thursday was our drama production (which went wonderfully by the way).

Friday the pain was still there but I could at least walk on it fairly well. It still hurt to bend it, but I could put a lot of weight on it. I got some rubber tips for the crutches so used them - it was easier to walk when I didn't have to worry about putting weight on it. And it hurt less at the end of the day.

Yesterday I basically sat on my ass and did nothing. I crawled down the stairs at 10 am and stayed there until I went to bed at 2 am! Today the pain is mostly gone unless I try to bend it much or touch it. The swelling is mostly gone, and there is only a bit of bruising. I can walk on it with only a slight limp, but here's the kicker...

It keeps clicking when I walk. I googled this and what I found is that I most likely have torn some ligaments. I should mention that I didn't NOT go to the doctor. I know I probably should have, but I live about an hour from any xray and in my past experience, a sprain is met with "Ice and rest". So why bother driving and trying to fit in a trip to the doctor and waiting 2 hours (at least) to see someone when I know what a sprain is and know how to deal with it. Besides, if it's still clicking in a few days I'll go. They need to do an MRI to diagnose torn ligaments and I'm not sure there is much they can do to fix those anyway. An MRI in this province is about a six month wait, so I figure that I"m not really messing up too much waiting another week.

So for now, I sit with my leg up and do nothing... too bad my house doesn't realize that I'm injured and clean itself for Christmas.

Saturday, 10 December 2011


Yes, this post is about pants.

I want to write more about the TTC journey, but right now I just don't have much to say and I'm getting depressed over the whole wait, and Christmas, and work, and life in general. Not having any sort of medication in this cycle, I fear I'm looking at a 50+ day cycle again (currently on CD 32 with no signs of AF in sight) and that makes me sad. I feel kinda abandoned by my medical people and my family doesn't want to hear a word of any of it... go figure. I've been living in a sort of purgatory, or limbo, where I don't discuss it but I know it's still there... just waiting for the phone to ring and shatter everything!

So for this post, so I don't end this post in a puddle of tears, I'm going to talk about pants!

Why pants? Because they have turned into quite the source of contention at my workplace.

Earlier this year, my administrator said that we could do casual Fridays, but no jeans. What the hell is the point? Many of us said that... so then he kind of backtracked and said "well, as long as they look professional". So, since the start of the year I've been wearing my very dark denim jeans on Fridays. I pair them with a nice shirt and nice shoes (except this week when I wore my old runners, but that's another story for another time). My MIL works in a government office and wears jeans all the time to work, and I know that I look professional.

So, I guess one of my colleagues got in trouble for wearing blue jeans early in the year, so now the questions are being thrown around... can we wear them? My admin sent out another email saying "jeans are fine, but not blue jeans, and as long as they aren't worn out". I continued to wear my dark denim.

Now, I'm not trying to be a bitch on purpose here, but I don't consider dark denim to be blue jeans. Besides, I look around at what other people are wearing and this is what I see yesterday...

One woman was wearing light grey, faded jeans with a t-shirt

One woman was wearing a track suit (which by the way made that awful noise every time she walked. I have nothing against big people, I am one, but we should not wear cordouroy or track suit pants... the sound is gross)

Two women were wearing stretchy yoga pants which show off EVERYTHING!

Two men were wearing flimsy shorts (yes, that's right, shorts in Canada, in winter) and I'm not talking dress shorts, I'm talking work-out type shorts... the really shiny kinds, the kind that looks like jersey material.

And someone is going to have the nerve to tell me "you're wearing blue jeans"?

Now, I must admit that my admin has seen me every week wearing the dark denim and has said nothing... which is good, because I'm ready for a fight. I'm sorry, but if we are to look professional, your pants shouldn't be so tight that I can tell whether or not you wax. It's just not right. Add onto that that we work with pubescent boys and it's a whole other problem.

I'm just a little frustrated. My husband was told he couldn't wear his $90 designer shirt because it is wrinkled (it's pre-wrinkled, it's supposed to be that way), and it's a NICE shirt... but it's not professional enough. And yet, on any day of the week, women are walking around in yoga pants (that's right, not just Fridays people, but any day), and men are wearing shorts and tshirts.

Oh the horrors!!

Won't somebody please think of the children... and my eyes!!