Working in (my own personal) Hell

Honestly I must have been on bad mammer-jammer in a past life because things around here keep getting worse.

I'm already having to see one coworker who is due in December flit around all happy (and why shouldn't she be) and now this morning my boss announces that she too is pregnant. My coworker only knows a small bit of my story but she was kind enough this summer to text me to tell me so I wouldn't find out via a group announcement. My boss knows most of my story and has a sister who did IVF and she still didn't have the decency to warn me. It was like someone hit me in the head and ripped out my guts.

I'm supposed to be on a prep right now but I can't concentrate. I'm so over this place. There is another coworker who I think may also be pregnant (I suspect she did IVF at the start of September and given that she didn't seem too upset by the announement I think she might be... Then again she might have a great IF face like me). There is yet another coworker who got married this summer and is inching up on 30 - they lived together for two years already so it wouldn't surprise me if she got pregnant soon too.

And then it will be me alone. The one married young-ish woman in the place without kids.

I'm hoping this is our month but not holdin my breath. FF has changed the day it thinks I ovulated 3 times and the one it keeps going back to means we are out of luck completely. The other two possible days at least put us kind of in the running, but I never got a positive OPK this month so I'm thinking it probably didn't happen at all

I'm seriously thinking of ordering Cl.omid online but I'm kind of hesitant.

At this point I'm so sad and anxious all the time and I actually dread my job these days.

Sigh

Blog name change!

So for various reasons I am considering changing my blog name. When I created it the name seemed to fit but I am no longer in a "what happens, happens) place in my world.

Some of the idea poking around in my head are:

     • a little too late

     • a start to late 

     • too fat to parent

     • my bmi battle

     • empathy not judgements 

Any other ideas please send then. When I find one I like I'll make the changes. Hope to hear from you.

The verdict

No! That's right she said no. She didn't even bat an eye when I told her about 40 lbs and she said that she thinks it is ridiculous that I'm seeing multiple doctors. She went on to say that ifthe specialist   (RE) didn't want to deal with it, why would a generalist. Them she said that I started a bit too late and might be right that we will run out of time.

The whole appointment left me sad and empty. I've seriously thought about just ending it all tonight. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. The thought of getting through tomorrow make me sad. Everything just hurts.

All the things that the doctors are saying ate just like the things the bullies used to say... So now I'm back to being the scared little girl. I need to get past that.

Anyway,the answer is 100lb loss, that's all I can do.

I fucking hate my life

The verdict

No! That's right she said no. She didn't even bat an eye when I told her about 40 lbs and she said that she thinks it is ridiculous that I'm seeing multiple doctors. She went on to say that ifthe specialist   (RE) didn't want to deal with it, why would a generalist. Them she said that I started a bit too late and might be right that we will run out of time.

The whole appointment left me sad and empty. I've seriously thought about just ending it all tonight. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. The thought of getting through tomorrow make me sad. Everything just hurts.

All the things that the doctors are saying ate just like the things the bullies used to say... So now I'm back to being the scared little girl. I need to get past that.

Anyway,the answer is 100lb loss, that's all I can do.

I fucking hate my life

Leap of Faith

So I'm sitting at my GPs office. Have I mentioned how long the waits here are? Waiting an hour is average. I walked in five minutes before my appointment to find six people in the waiting room still ahead of me. 40 minutes later and we're down to two ahead of me (not including those waiting in exam rooms). She is always so far behind but she's great so people wait.

Anyway I'm sitting here because I want to change my blood pressure meds. She told me last Feb that if I got pregnant or was trying that I needed to change meds. NO I'm not pregnant (unfortunately)... But I have an appointment this afternoon with my OBGYN and I'm really hoping that she will agree to let me try tracked cycles with Clomid.  I'm very nervous and quite sure that she will reject me as too fat like the rest of the doctors have. I'm at the point of not having much hope anymore. 

As you may recall, I saw the RE in June and was basically told that I was too fat. She wouldn't help me until I lost at least 100 lbs (she wouldn't give me an exact number, just told me to come back when I lost 100 lbs and we'd talk about it then). You would think that REs would know that infertile women are on the edge, but I guess not.

So I've been working my ass off. And even though I was on crutches for nearly 7 weeks, as I this morning I'm down 40 lbs since the end of June. My BMI has dropped nearly 6 pts and I've lost 6 inches off my waist. All good things but they will mean nothing to me if nobody is willing to help me get pregnant.

So I hope that the OBGyN helps me out, but I'm steeling myself for another disappointment because it really seems like the world doesn't want me to get pregnant or be a parent.

So you had a bad day/month/year

That song keeps running through my head, but I keep replacing day with life.

Things have not been so good in peg-world lately.  In fact, right now I'm in the middle of a major cry fest.

Oh, where to start...

So, I mentioned before that the Fertility Specialist won't even consider helping me until I lose at least 100 lbs.  For the record I'm current down 35 lbs since the end of June.  So that's a bonus, but when I see that there is a minimum of 65 more to go (and really there should be more than that to get to a really healthy weight), it seems hopeless.  I've been watching my calorie intake really closely, consuming no more than 1500 calories per day.    I haven't been able to work out at all in the last six weeks either... and by that I am not making excuses... I have my leg in a cast.

I know that I also mentioned my clumsy fall down the stairs nearly two years ago.  I managed to sprain my ankle quite badly causing a bone chip to be torn off of the joint, one ligament to be torn off nearly completely, and two others to be stretched out to the point of being useless.  Surgery to repair it was supposed to be this coming Dec/Jan, but I got a call in August that there was an opening if I wanted it.  I jumped at the idea - well not exactly jumped because jumping hurt my ankle.  Anyway, in I went for surgery and out I came with a cast to the knee and a pretty pair of crutches to keep my upright.  I get the cast off in a week and I'm really happy about that.  I can't wait to be able to move around better and a get a good night's sleep and a proper shower.  Leg casts suck! I can't even imagine how gross it is inside this cast with all the dirt, etc.  The pain wasn't too bad initially.  It hurt mostly at the incision point which was still open inside the cast.  I've lately been walking around a lot without the crutches without much problem, so I'll be glad to get the cast off and start to get back to normal life.

The big thing that has just happened for us is that my mother had a major surgery on Monday.  She's had a horrible tremor in her hands and head for at least twenty years.  Every time she asked about it she was told it was a side effect of her other medication.  So she went on living (or not living well) with the tremor.  She can't do much for herself and it is stressful for everyone involved.  After going through a LOT of doctors, she finally got in to see a specialist who is world renown for this type of thing.  She got in to see him and was scheduled to come in for surgery less than two weeks later.  The procedure is kinda cool.  They implant a probe into the brain which is controlled by a transmitter that is put under the collarbone.  The transmitter sends impulses to the probe which tells the brain to stop telling the body to shake.  She had the probe and transmitter put in on Monday and they turn the whole system on in about a month, after her brain has healed up.  It was a long three days but she is home and she called me this afternoon and she's feeling good.  So that's a bonus, but I"m just exhausted.  I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

The topping to all of this is that this past week I found out that three of my cousins are expecting.  Once again, I'm on the sidelines.  I get to hear all the great things about them having more babies (this is baby 2, 3, and 4 for them respectively).  I'm so tired of everyone but me getting pregnant.  I feel like I should just give up because it's not going to happen anyway.  I've been in tears on and off for days about all this.  I like to think that I'm a strong person but this is getting to a point that I can't handle.  I've been at a stress level of 10 for the last couple of weeks and I'm supposed to handle the rest of the things that life throws at me... I'm not sure how to do it.  I considered finding someone to talk to, but I don't want to take more time off of work and I don't even know where to start looking for someone to help.  It just all sucks.

I feel another crying jag coming on and I need to try to figure out how to compose myself before I return to work tomorrow.  I have a feeling that it's going to be a long two days until the weekend.

Healthiest Unhealthy Person in the World

So a bit of background...

In a previous post I had mentioned that my RE is determined that I am too fat to have a baby because I am too unhealthy. How does she know this? Well isn't it a known fact that if you are overweight you have a myriad of other health issues too? Did she do any tests? No, but really, it should be safe to assume that I have blood sugar issues, cholesterol, blood pressure problems, fatty liver, and the list goes on.

So after being told that I needed to lose at least 100 lbs before she would help us get pregnant, I started looking into extreme measures. By that I mean gastric bypass surgery. I don't particularly like the idea of doing that (but the more I find out about it and its results the more I'm softening toward the idea). The problem is that I'm not getting any younger and each passing month makes my eggs and chances of conception a little bit lower. I could potentially lose all the weight on my own but the chances are slim (see what I did there?). A few years ago I lost 80 lbs with diet and exercise but I was 8 years younger (we all know its harder to lose weight when you hit 30. I also had a job where I walked away at 4:30 and didn't have to deal with it again until 8:30 the next morning... No three to four hours of at home work after getting home at 6:00. I had a workout buddy and was living in a place where I could be at a gym in about 5 minutes.

Fast forward to today. I work until 4:30 or 5:00 each day and then have a 45 minute commute to get home. I have to cook supper and then put in a few more hours to do planning or marking - the joys of teaching English, when you assign a class of 25 kids essays it means you have to mark those essays. Another big obstacle is that I live at least an hour from the closest gym. I know there are other things I could do but the gym was motivating to me and I like variety. Right now my biggest hurdle is my ankle. I broke it and tire ligaments about 20 months ago. It hurts if I do even 5 minutes of walking so exercise is seriously painful. I'm about a month from surgery on it so hopefully that will help.

I know this all sounds like excuses but these are very real problems and barriers to my weight loss success. Since my RE appointment on June 20 I've lost 15 lbs which I know is good but nowhere near what I need to lose.

So what is my whiney point? Well in order to move forward on the gastric bypass you have to be referred to the bariatric clinic here (there is only one in the province). I asked my GP for a referral and she was happy to do it saying she'd support me any way she could. She ordered a full battery of blood and urine tests because she said they usually ask for those. I also had her test my hormone levels.

So today I went back because something came back wonky and she wanted me in. So given what the RE said I should have been in for really bad news right? Nope... Diagnosis: very low vitamin D.  So I have to take supplements. The doctor said it's obvious why I'm low, I'm very pale, I've often referred to myself as translucent in fact. Given that I always use a ton of sunscreen or I burn horribly... And sunscreen blocks vitamin D absorption.  No biggie. Vitamin deficiency is easy to fix, dealt with those before.

So what about everything else? Totally and completely normal numbers. Cholesterol, liver, sugars, all perfect.  Yes I am on blood pressure meds but the doc figures given my family history that I would be anyway (nearly every relative and my parents and my grandparents all had high blood pressure) she is pretty sure it's not a weight related issue.

So where is this unhealthy person that the RE is so concerned about being pregnant. This GP and two other before her have commented on how may be the most healthy overweight patient they have ever seen. Sigh. But it doesn't help me to get pregnant.

At this point I have two hopes. The RE has me scheduled for an assessment with the high risk pregnancy clinic in the city to see what they think. I'm hoping they give us the go ahead. Failing that I am going back to my original OB/GYN and asking her for help. She didn't have a problem with my weight a couple years ago and I asked if it was an issue and she had said absolutely not... So hopefully she still thinks that way.

So there you have it, the healthiest unhealthy person out there!

Too fat to parent

So what's new? Oh right, I'm too fat to be a parent. Yeah you read that right.

Two weeks ago I saw my oncologist who said I was all clear - no cancer, no precancer, nothing abnormal - and she didn't need to see me again. At that point I made an appointment with my RE hoping she would get us going on the clomid track and move this baby-making train along. In the back of my mind I had a feeling she wasn't going to help.

So we saw her on the 20th. She went through our histories and then proceeded to tell me that at my weight she couldn't do anything to help me - not even clomid because the pregnancy would be too dangerous.

Here is what pisses me off. Before going on the megestrol for the precancerous endometrial cells, I had lost nearly 50 lbs. then the minute I started the pills I started to gain and ended up gaining more than 70lbs. Now I'm told that I need to lose a minimum of 100lbs before the RE will even consider helping. Did you notice the word consider? It's not even a guarantee that if I can lose it that she will help. Top this off with my weight loss history of getting to 30-40 lbs and then plateauing for several weeks and 100lbs will take more than a year. At that point I'll be nearing 38 and my eggs will probably have withered away from non use. 

Add to this that every time in the past four years that I've gone even four months without medication I end up with the precancerous condition returning. If it comes back again it's going to be pretty hard to find a doctor who will treat me because the standard of care at that point is hysterectomy.

I'm just so sad and frustrated. At this point I think the only way I will lose is to stop eating altogether... Something which has my husband really upset with me. When I refused to eat supper he started in on the lectures. He's an eternal optimist and thinks we can do this. He says we but I damned well how it will play out. I will bust my ass to eat healthy and lose weight and he'll sit there eating chips. I can't tell you how many times it has happened that way.

I even looked into the surgery route. Gastric bypass. At least it would help the weight come off. Unfortunately it is a year waiting list to have that done too. So wait a year for the surgery and then who knows how long for the rest of the weight to come off.

At this point I am just sitting depressed wishing I could just end it all. I either stare blankly or I'm crying. I feel like this horrible, disgusting person who doesn't deserve to live. After all, if I'm too fat to be a parent, then obviously I'm too fat and unworthy to live.

Gone to the dogs

So lately my interactions with a friend on FB have been rather tense, and they all seem to be about dogs.

The friend has posted numerous things about other people who have dogs and what they are doing wrong with them. One of her big issues seems to be people with large dogs who don't have a fenced yard, and people who leave their dogs unattended all day. Both of those apply to me.

She has said things like why have a dog if you don't take care of it properly- if you can't afford to build the fence, you can't afford the dog. This wasn't directed at me specifically but I took offense and made a comment about it.  No we don't have a fenced yard. We own a double lot in a small town which is about the equivalent of four city lots. To fence it properly would cost about $3000. Not in the budget. The argument is so reminiscent of the adoption/fertility treatment argument. I can afford to raise a child but dropping $20-50 grand at once to bring it to me is not as doable. My dog has a 40-ft cable tether that is tied to a huge tree in the middle of the yard. Simple math tells me that he has a 80-ft diameter space to play, or 5000 sq ft to play in. That is way more than some animals ever get. He's happy on his tether, he doesn't even notice he's on it. We only put him on it when we can check on him regularly... And he doesn't like being alone outside so he usually isn't. 

Yes I leave him alone all day - I have to fucking work. He's been used to 10-12 hr days alone at home since he was about 5 months old and it doesn't bother him. I don't care if he has an accident, that's why I bought a shampooer. I I'm away too long and it happens, it's my own fault- I don't blame the dog.

So where is all this venting stemming from? Well today I posted how awesome my dog is lasting a long 17 hours during yesterday's shit storm of medical enjoyment. She responded that I should give a key to my neighbors for when  going to be late. I simply said that yesterday was an anomaly and that I don't know my neighbors. She responded that she knows hers really well. I thought it was done when I explained how I'm not around much and my neighbors don't even recognize me. But no. She made another comment which was something about my husband but deleted it before I could read it and then deleted me from FB.

This woman has never been a close friend, but her little digs lately have bugged me, and just deleting (and blocking) me without any explanation or anything kinda hurts... And I don't know why.

Feelin' Fine

Well after yesterday's insane ER ride, I thought I would update...

I'm feeling great today. Not even a spot of blood which is awesome. Now that doesn't mean that I'm going to be lulled into a false confidence and not be prepared, but not feeling like I am overflowing with every step is nice.

The pain is pretty much at its end as well. I still feel like I've been punched in the gut, but there is no major cramping and stabbing pain.

The antibiotics are crazy strong so make me tired and a bit woozy but if they make me feel better otherwise, then it's totally worth it. They are super high dose so must pick up some acidophilus so I don't end up with a yeast infection on top of everything else.

I'm just glad that I decided to go instead of just going home and waiting it all out. The oncologist told the ER doc that she felt the antibiotics would stop the bleeding because the infection was the cause so she didn't want any more anti-bleeding drugs given unless it started back up. They gave me some via IV initially which helped.  The funny part was that even though I has these drugs, I bled like a stuck pig when they took out the IV. Stuck pig... Funny phrase, wonder where that came from? Hmmm.

Anyway, I also took a dilaudid this morning to try to ward off any pain that might start. Maybe not a good idea before school... It was everything I could do not to go nap on the couch during my prep time lol.

So basically, I'm feeling so much better today. Still going to be an early night, but that's ok. I don't have a lot to do this weekend so at least I can relax a bit. 

I this morning I opened my work email to find a message from one of our superintendents (she's pretty high up and therefore definitely my boss). She saw me nearly pass out on Tuesday and was at the meeting yesterday when I got so sick. She even offered to drive me to the hospital. Anyway, she emailed to see how I was doing. Little things like that make it much easier to come to work... Knowing that people actually are enough, even to just send a message ... It made me feel like more than just an employee number in a file.

Well enough babble. Just waiting on my ride and then home to a very sucky dog (who btw was stuck in the house for over 17 hours yesterday and didn't make a mess at all... He rocks!!!)

Aftershocks

Well after over an hour sitting in the waiting room in pain, watching everyone else go in first, I finally got called to a room where I sat for another 30 minutes before anyone came to attend to me. 

I was sitting on the bed crying from the pain when the nice EMT from Tuesday walked by and saw me. He was shocked that they still hadn't seen me. I told him that I thought the triage nurse didn't take me seriously. He came into the room, patted my arm and said how the EMTS were just talking at coffee about what an ass that guy is. It made me feel a bit better.

So the nurses came to deal with me and were awesome! Then the doctor came in and he was amazing. So nice and very understanding. He convince me to take some IV painkiller. Morphine. How do people get addicted to that stuff? It just makes me woozy - I hate the feeling! But it does kill the pain better than anything else I've ever had.

The doc had them take blood and did an exam. Blood results showed elevated white blood cells... Quite elevated. He also accessed my pathology report from the D&C and here is the important part... Are you ready?  NO sign of cancer, precancerous, or even abnormal cells!!! What it did show was infection of the endometrial layer (endometritis). So that explains the elevated white cells. Apparently it can be easily treated with antibiotics.

So they gave me antibiotics by IV and sent me off with a prescription for that and painkillers. The doc also talked to my oncologist who said to call tomorrow and come see her on Tuesday for a follow up. Great... Another day off work. Sigh. This is getting ridiculous! 

So now I'm waiting in the car for hubby who is getting my prescription filled at the notoriously slow pharmacy.

Oh and THANK YOU for all your kind messages and support... It meant a lot. And an extra big thanks to Jen for leaving her couch to come and pick up my hubby's car so we don't have to pay three days of hospital parking. 

At this point I just want to go home to bed and try to get through work tomorrow - yes I'm goin in... I've missed so much already! Sigh

It just keeps getting sunnier

So the pain, cramping, and bleeding post D&C has gotten really horrific. I'm sitting in the emergency room waiting to see someone. When I told the triage nurse the issues, his response was "we'll did you call your doctor?" When I told him that I didn't, he responded with "why not?" He was slightly rude actually. Hmm why not, well how about the fact that you  can't actually talk to the doctor, you leave a message and they eventually call back. The discharge papers for surgery said to go to emergency if these things started. Besides, I'm in severe pain, bleeding profusely, and can barely stand for two minutes without feeling like I'm going to pass out. I actually ran into the EMT who helped me on Tuesday while waiting for triage and he said I did the right thing by coming here. 

So far everyone who was here when I got here has gone in, including people who were obviously not in pain. I look like shot warmed over and feel like I'm going to pass out.

The nurse said that I should have called my doctor because she knows what she did to me. Asshole it was a D&C, it's not a mystery what she did to me!

I just feel like sometimes the complaints of pain and bleeding are not taken seriously by male medical staff... I would love for them to bleed out their penis and cramp heavily, just for one day to see what it is like... A little compassion please!

This fucking sucks!

Ambulance visit

So I had to take my students to a career day today. I should have pawned it off on someone else, I really should have. The morning was spent wandering around a hockey rink and then standing in line for lunch. Here's an idea.... Let's serve lunch to 400 people but only have two people on cookin burgers. Oh well. The kids had a good time at the event anyway.

I on the other hand...

I nearly passed out and ended up spending an hour in the back of an ambulance.  As we were standing in line for food, I started getting dizzy and weak. I was shaking badly and the world was spinning. Nothing I did seemed to fix it so I went to find a place to sit... Which just happened to be the bumper of a nearby ambulance. One of the organizers saw me and came over. I told him I though I was going to pass out and suddenly I had 3 ambulance attendants surrounding me and putting me in the back of the ambulance. They wanted to transport me to the city to the hospital but I couldn't leave my students without a supervisor. (Nobody better ever tell me that teachers don't care) So I signed the form saying that I refused their care. However that was after an hour of observation in the back of the rig. My BP was high, my oxygen was low, my blood sugar was ok but near the bottom of normal, I was pale and clammy. They put me on oxygen for a bit and just monitored me. The dude said that he thought I was probably dehydrated but if he hydrated me with IV then they really needed to take me in.

They told me not to drive and to not walk around too much. They wanted me to go to the hospital if I had another spell. At one point he asked if I had a headache, I responded with "yeah but I just rode a bus with 25 teenagers for 1.5 hours".  The EMTs were impressed that instill had a sense of humor while nearly passing out.

I think the big problem was the long school bus ride which caused me a lot of pain as things hurt "down there" with every bump. And the copious amounts of painkillers I was taking all day. It just all hit at once. I had my husband pick me up from work and now I'm on the couch with a heating pad. I still feel yucky - tired and kinda woozy and dizzy but my BP is normal so I'm not too worried. 

The worst part of all of this is that my husband is taking this opportunity to regale me with sports stories and news... And I just don't care... But I'm pretending really well!

Another kick at surgery

The last few days have been crazy busy.

I'm sure that I mentioned in the past the mess I made of my ankle about  18 months ago.  I fell down some stairs and managed to sprain it badly - or at least I thought that was all I did.  Turns out that I also chipped a piece of bone off the joint and tore off part of the ligament.  Anyway, it still hasn't been fixed properly and still hurts often.  I finally had an appointment with a new orthopedic surgeon who doesn't want to do anything until he gets more information.  I have had xrays and ultrasounds done on the ankle, but that's not enough apparently.  Anyway, I saw this new guy about a month ago and just had an MRI done on my ankle last Tuesday.  The MRI itself wasn't that bad, but the position that they had me in sucked.  My ankle hurt the whole time because of positioning, my knee was hyperextended so hurt, and my leg was pulled out and my hip misaligned which threw my back out. It just doesn't take much to mess me up.

Then on Thursday I had what I hope is the last of the D&Cs for a while.  As I've mentioned before, I just can't handle the pain of the endometrial biopsies anymore.  Even with serious amounts of drugs in my system, it feels like someone is stabbing me through the uterus with knives... over and over.  So in November, my oncologist decided that she couldn't put me through that again and decided that she would do D&Cs instead.  I had one in January that came back clear and she said in about three months which apparently means 5.  I had another one on Thursday.  Now, I appreciate that she gets the pain thing, but I don't understand the need for constantly pushing the time frames back.  Originally my treatment was supposed to be 6 months, then changed to 9 months, and now it will be 15 months by the time I'm off the drugs.  Here's the thing - I was clear at my four month biopsy, and the 7 month one, and the 10 month one... so continuing the drugs seems stupid, but whatever.

Anyway, we live over an hour away from the surgery centre and I had to be there by 6:30 so really early morning for us.  It was slightly amusing however that they got me admitted and into a gown and bed and then forgot about me until about 20 minute prior to my surgery time and had to rush through all the pre-op paperwork and almost forgot to give me my pre-op drugs.

The surgery went really well.  She did a D&C and a hysteroscopy to take a look in there and since the oncologist was in surgery all day she left me a note saying everything looked great and she anticipated no problems.  I'm supposed to make an appointment to see her in six weeks for results and follow up.  This seemed odd to me since I have always done follow-ups about 3 weeks after biopsies and D&Cs.  Anyway, I guess in a way it's good because I won't have to miss work for the appointment.

So the surgery went well - only took about 25 minutes - and when I woke up they filled me full of morphine. I was all sorts of dopey and out of it, but just couldn't sleep because of all the noise in the ward. I have a problem with sleep also where my oxygen levels drop because I breathe so shallow, so they wouldn't let me go since my oxygen kept dropping to about 90, which is apparently the scary number.  So every time I drifted off, they woke me up and made me take deep breaths. My husband was so confused by the length of time I had been in there that he actually called up to the ward to check on me.  I went into surgery at 8:30 and they let me out of the hospital at 1:30 - so it was a long day since we were up at 4:30.

Just a side note - I don't know how people can become addicted to morphine.  I get the pain killing aspect - that was pretty nice, but being so dopey and out of it - no thanks!

We got home and I went to bed and slept for a few hour and woke up feeling pretty good.  I had taken Friday off too, and felt pretty good on Friday - no cramping at all which was good.  By Saturday though, everything changed.  TMI time.  Apparently anesthetic completely constipates me.  I was putting food in from Thursday onward, but as of Saturday afternoon, nothing was coming out still. I took laxatives which made the pain worse.  I ended up awake most of last night with cramps - both gas/bowel pains and uterus cramping.  I basically laid on the couch all day and most of the night with a heating pad - I finally felt comfortable enough to go to bed at about 4 am.  Thankfully I could take a nap today - a nice long one with the puppy on the bed beside me (he was tired too because he was awake all night as I laid on the couch moaning.  I feel a bit better today.  The bowel issues have mostly fixed themselves, and I'm only cramping a bit.  I am exhausted and wish I could take tomorrow off of work too, but I can't.  This is where my job sucks - I have to plan for a sub each time I'm sick - blah.

So tomorrow is back to work even though I feel a bit like crap still, but hopefully I won't have to endure this for a good long time again.

The bonus is that while I laid on the couch today, Netflix gave me a new season of Arrested Development.  I love that show and particularly Jason Bateman.  Good way to spend the day... three more episodes and I've finished the whole season.  Oh and my husband brought me home a pot of chrysanthamums today.  He said that I have done so much that I deserved something... I said that I haven't done anything - he said "you let a bunch of people do things and put things in uncomfortable places and put you through pain to have a baby... you do lots".  awww.  I won't tell him that I was more excited about the cookies he brought home than the flowers but it was definitely a nice gesture.

The Lonely Day

It was a lonely day. Well ok, it was a busy day... But still lonely.

My dad came over in the morning to till up my garden so I spent a bunch of time doing forced labour in the yard. I cleaned our driveway with our new pressure washer... It certainly is shiny clean now. I spent time playing fetch with the dog, and cleaned out his pool and refilled it. (Yes my dog has his own pool)

But despite everything the day was lonely. I was not alone. My husband was there. My father came over. The dog followed me everywhere. But the day was lonely.

Mother's Day. The worst day of the year for an infertile. Everyone is celebrating the one thing you don't or can't have. It just plain out sucks. I did manage to get through the day without crying which was a surprise. Then again, I'm pretty much numb and without emotion at this point.

But the day felt lonely. I felt abandoned. Only one of my friends thought to tell me that they were thinking of me. Everyone else went about their business, posting all their joys to FB, enjoying the day set out to value something I can't attain.

Don't get me wrong. I don't expect people to drop everything and fawn over me on a day which should be a celebration, BUT given that they know my struggles and how much becoming a mother means to me... I would have thought that a simple "hug" or "thinking of you" wouldn't have been too much to ask for.

Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised given some of the thigh some of them have said about our struggles, but I guess I expected more.

Sigh

Weather...weather...weather...blah!

So something is seriously wrong with Mother Nature in our part of the world.  It is April 16th, and they are predicting even more snow for this Saturday.  Normally at this time of year, we're putting away the winter jackets and boots, but with all the snow that's still hanging around, we can't.  Seriously, it only got up to -2C today.  That's about 28 degrees Fahrenheit.  That's right, you read it right.. 28!  WTF!?  Has Mother Nature lost her freakin' mind??  Where is spring?

Now, I'm fully aware of climate change, etc, etc, etc, but give me a break!  I need spring.  This winter has been so damned long and I'm sick of it.  I'm in the anger phase of grief over this... every time I look out the window I end up mumbling "f-n bullshit".  Sometimes it's a lot more than a mumble.  Last week was storming so bad that my husband drove me to work because I simply would have pulled over and cried instead of making it in.

Usually I can make it through to spring without too much issue in the Seasonal Affective Disorder category, but this year it's hitting me hard.  I need some nice warm days to sit outside and read and watch the puppy play to cheer me up.

Here's something else that's been pissing me off about all this weather crap... the radio stations around here think that if you play summer songs, people will cheer up. Hell no!  That just pisses me off. I don't want to hear songs about summer when the snow along the highway is piled as high as my vehicle (no exaggeration on this one).  When I look out the window and my patio table is not visible because there is so much snow... yeah, I don't want to listen to summery songs.  The other thing that pissed me off today was a radio ad for "The Bay" (that is a major department store in Canada btw).  It actually started with "now that it's sandal weather".  Huh?  Even in Eastern Canada it's not that nice yet, but in Western Canada we're under a pile of snow still and that ad is just stupid and mean!

Anyway, I am really hoping for spring soon, but in the very least, I thought I'd take the opportunity to bitch about the weather a bit... because that's what we do in this part of the world... complain about the weather.

The Conspiracy

There is a conspiracy afoot in my house. One that leaves me out in the cold... Literally.

Here's the background: I'm a cold person... Not cold hearted (although I've been accused of that at times) but cold temperature wise. When I was faithfully taking my BBT (can't wait for that fun to start again let me tell you) I always had readings that put me in the category of borderline hypothermia. Seriously! I wasn't always like this, as a kid I ram really warm. My mother took me to the doctor at 8 weeks because I was fevered. Apparently a blanket and a sleeper was too much for me. I was just too warm. About 10 years ago I lost 80 lbs and started to be cold all the time. It made sense, I'd lost a warming layer of fat, but since then I've added that layer back and then some so it makes no sense.

But onto the conspiracy. I usually set out thermostat to 20 degrees (Celsius) which is about 68 F. My hubby always is asking to turn it down while I sit covered up with a quilt.

So yesterday, he comes in with the dog and asks of he can turn down the heat. I say sure and pull my quilt higher. At that point the dog comes into the room and starts pulling the quilt until he pulls it off of me and tries to take it out of the room.

Conspiracy!!! They are in it together! I'm not sure what their end game is, but I'm onto them!

Just a bunch of babble

So I mentioned a while back that at my last D&C, they noticed that my blood pressure was extremely high... as in 180/120 high.  As in about to have a stroke high.  In fact, when the nurse first took my BP, the reading was 210/140.  She took one look and said "do you have a headache? you're not dizzy?  nothing hurts?".  She took it again with a different cuff and it was less, but still scary high!  I was only released from the hospital if I promised to follow up with my GP.  Sometimes our medical system makes me shake my head... a promise?  really?  Well, I don't want to have a stroke, or kidney and liver damage so I did follow up.  I saw the GP in Feb and she put me on BP meds.  After two weeks it had only brought my BP down to about 135/90.  This used to be normal for me off of meds.  From about the time I was 15 my BP has been at about that.  Until I was in for the D&C, I'd never had a reading above that.  So, the doc told me to keep on the drugs and come back in a month.  I went back this morning.

Now, I had gotten a wrist BP monitor for home (gotta love Shop.pers Optimum Points... it cost me nothing).  I've been taking my BP every mroning and evening and recording it.  For the last 3 weeks, it has been reading about 90/60!  When I told the GP that she was shocked.  She took it in the office and it was 105/65.  She said she had never seen anyone respond to meds so well or so quickly.  She wants me back in two months to follow up, unless I start to get readings lower than 90/60, or if I start t have dizzy spells, etc.

I asked her about the possibility of the Megestrol being the cause of it being so high since I read that that's a possible side effect.  She said it could definitely be the cause and she wants me to take my BP 3 times a day when I go off the Megestrol and if it drops go to the ER immediately if I can't get in to see her.  So that's fun!

I also asked her about my ortho referal.  She referred me in December to a new ortho surgeon, because I had had no contact from my previous one for nearly 5 months.  I have heard nothing from the new surgeon at all.  She told me to call the surgeon, but laughed and told me not to tell them that she said to. :)  She said I should have heard already.  The problem is that I broke this ankle in early Dec 2011, and it took until August to get to see the first ortho.  Once they book the surgery, it could still be 4 months or more until the surgery happens.  My big concern about this is that I am in pretty much constant pain, and when the bone chip shifts it sometimes gets caught in the joint and I can't even walk on it... it happens sometimes at work and I have to sit and pull at my foot and rotate it until I feel the chip pop out.  Not normal.  Also, the ligament that was attached to that part of the bone that chippped off is just hanging there, not doing it's job, and I can feel the weakness in my ankle.

My biggest worry is what if I do miraculously get pregnant, then I will have even more weight on the ankle and won't be able to have the surgery until after delivery, and I can't even carry a book while on crutches, never mind a baby.  See my issues?  I was happy that I got in to an ortho last summer knowing that the soonest I would be able to get pregnant would be an entire year later.  Now we're (hopefully) only two months from trying again and nothing on the ortho front.

I am thinking of dropping FB for a while.  This past week has been bad - there has been 5 birth announcements and 3 pregnancy announcements.  I can handle one every so often, but this many at once?  urgh.  The one that really got me was one of the women that I went to University with.  The kicker is that she got married the same day as me.  She even said when they announced last fall that the first month they tried they succeeded.  It really hurt me.  We've been trying since two months before our wedding (coming up on 4 years next month), and nothing.  She tries one month and succeeds.  I know I shouldn't be upset, but I am.  She had her baby this week and my FB is plastered with pics.  Sigh.  I might have to just check out for a while.

My poor fur baby boy had his big surgery this week.  We waited until he was a year to neuter him on the advice of the vet.  He's a very large breed dog and apparently the current thought process in vet world is to let large breeds grow for the first year before taking away the testosterone.  Apparently in males, it's important for bone growth and to help prevent the hip displasia, etc.  So we did that.  On Tuesday we got up bright and early and took him to the vet.  Two hours later they called and said that he did really well and we could pick him up in about four hours.  When we picked him up, he was so dopey that he could hardly walk straight, and kept running into stuff because of the cone.  About halfway home we decided that he was not resting because of the cone so we took it off and I sat with him to stop him from licking.  When we got home, we left the cone off and watched him.  We only had to stop him from licking twice.  The first night home we put on the cone and nobody (him  or us) had good sleeps.  I watched him the whole next day and no licking at all.  So we have abandoned the cone.  The vet said that he should relax and not run around or jump on furniture, etc.  So, she had no ideas of how to stop a 70 lbs dog from doing that.  He's been taking stairs 3 at a time and jumping on the couch and bed, and showing no signs of pain.  I've been checking his incision point and he seems to be doing fine.  After the first day home, his energy levels spiked back up and you would never know that he had anything done to him.  He's just his regular hyper, happy, affectionate self,  getting into trouble as usual.  Today when I was in  town I picked him up a special treat - a giant bacon cookie.  It was about 8 inches long, 4 inches wide, and 1 inch thick in the shape of a bone.  He wasn't sure at first what the hell I was giving him, but then he settled in with it and my whole living room smelled of bacon milk bones. LOL

Take a look, doesn't he seem traumatized? Guess that bacon cookie fixed him right up.

What is tough?

I'm tough.  At least I think I am.  I've gone through some really rough patches and am I'm still around to tell about it.

It's amazing how we qualify how tough someone is by what they've been through.  And is it enough to know that you are tough, or do you need other people to know it too?  It is enough to think "I've survived hell", or do we need to publicly be tougher than the next person.  Is toughness a one-uper game?

The other day at work, someone was talking about one of my coworkers who is heading in for back surgery.  They said "oh, she'll recover quickly, she a tough woman, after all, she beat cancer.  You don't beat cancer by not being tough" .  The follow up was "Yeah, none of us will ever be as tough as her, we've never faced cancer.".  Now, I don't particularly like the "tough" coworker, but in my mind, it was all about 'you don't know me, you don't know how much I've been through'.  All I said was that I thought that there were probably a lot of tough people on the staff and some people just keep their struggles to themselves.  The concensus was that nope, cancer was the number one thing that made people tough and none of us knew what it was like.

Fucking bullshit!  I just wanted to shout from the hilltops that I've been facing down a cancer diagnosis for two years now.  That I've had the possibility of cancer and hysterectomy hanging over my head every day since December 2010.  That's a long time.  Have I had to go through chemo... no, but I've been on high power drugs that have caused me to think that I"m losing my mind for over 18 months.  I've had surgeries and horrilby painful tests that nobody should have to endure.  I've been told at nearly every appointment that I should just give it all up and have a hysterectomy because it would be "easier".  I get no sympathy from doctors and most of the people around me don't get it at all.  Every day I live with the possibility that the next biopsy will reveal cancer.  Hell, last May, my biopsy was inconclusive... there were precancerous cells definitely there, but there were others they thought were likely cancerous but couldn't be 100% certain.  So for nearly a year I've been fighting off another round of cancer/precancer - but doing it silently.  I haven't shared with work (other than my boss and even then I've been quite vague).  I haven't shared with many people who know me.  I've suffered rather silently, so apparently that makes me not tough.

I've struggled for the past four years with the idea that I will never have a child.  That the one thing that I want so desperately, I will never have.  That I will disappoint my husband and never make him a father.  I deal with that pain daily.  I watch others have babies, and many have babies and not care for them or parent properly, and I feel the pain.  I get asked nearly daily why I don't have kids, or if I'm going to have kids, and I smile and say "eventually", knowing it's probably a lie... and I feel that pain.

I have been the victim of physical assault.  I have been stalked.  I have nearly lost my eyesight. I spent my highschool years being physically and emotionally bullied so badly I attempted suicide.  For ten years I was walked closely as a brain aneurysm was threatening to develop.  I've had a broken bone for over a year and need surgery but our wait times are ridiculous so I'm still waiting in pain. And now I am dealing with cancer issues coupled with infertility.

But apparently if you haven't had full blown cancer and haven't told the world about it, you're not tough.  So, there you have it, I'm not tough... but I am bulletproof!

Babies and Puppies

So, fair warning, this is going to be another whiny post.

I have scheduled the surgery for my pup to have his manhood removed for April 2.  Since the vet is over two hours away, and in the same city that the inlaws live in, we figured that we'd go in the night before and stay over.  We have to have pup at the vet by 7 am, so it makes sense to stay over.

Hubby called his parents today to just confirm that we could go - it was supposed to be an easy call of simply informing them that we were coming.  It turned into us not being able to go after all.

As I understand it, BIL is going to be there that same night since he is flying somewhere the next day.  Since he will have the baby there, we aren't allowed to have the dog there.  It was stated in very clear terms - the dog is not allowed when the baby is here.

Now, I get that my dog is hyper.  He's nearly a year old so he's got tons of energy, and he's at that adolescent stage so that means he doesn't want to listen well either.  We're working on that.  But he loves everyone he comes in contact with and I've never seen him get vicious at any point in his life (and if any dog had the reason, it would be him considering where he came from).

I get the fear of having a big dog near a baby.  But come on, I would never leave him off leash or let him that close to the baby.  I know he doesn't know his own strength and can be damned pushy.  But is that a reason to outlaw him?  Apparently so.

It's gotten to the point where I feel like we're not welcome in the inlaw's house because of the dog.  MIL hates the dog.  She claims she doesn't, but she actually cringes when he's around. FIL loves him, but we know who runs the place.  I told hubby tonight that she better get used to him because he's going to live to be 15 or so years old, and he travels with us.

I started thinking about what's going to happen if we manage to get pregnant.  I'm sure she will suggest we get rid of the dog.  And that statement will be met with a statement that will be not overly nice but clearly telling her off.  I adopted my dog and cats with the full understanding that they are mine to care for until they are done on this earth.  I don't  believe in just getting rid of them when it's not convenient.  I had no choice but to give my cat to my parents for a year while I was finishing school, but as soon as I moved into my own house, I took her back.  I missed her horribly while she was with them.  I love my pets.  I don't like the insinuation that they are bad or that people would dislike them.

It just pisses me off.  I know it's stupid, but my pets are my babies and I feel like when they are rejected, so am I.

So you had a bad day...

That song started playing as I was driving home from work, on very wet roads that will be slick as hell in the morning.  I started crying.  I did have a bad day and when I got home it seemed to get worse.  There was nothing big that happened, just a lot of little stuff.

This morning one of my students was in tears over the breakup with her boyfriend.  I teach middle years and fully believe that these kids are much too young to date.  Nobody is emotionally stable enough at 12 to be in a relationship with another human being.  Hell, a lot of people aren't emotionally stable enough at 22 or 32!  I tried to talk to the child in question, but she really didn't want to talk.  She said that she would come to me if she felt like we was going to snap.  But, of course, she didn't.  Instead she went and hit the girl who her ex is now seeing (major rebounds going on here).  She is naturally upset by her punishment and doesn't think it's fair since she says the other girl pushed her first, but since it was all the other girl's friends in the room, that wasn't said by any witness.

Next, I had to chase down several students for homework - which I find tedious and ridiculous.  I just don't think that I should have to chase them down at this point... but I do.  It just pisses me off.

I've been running an extra-curricular activity at school for over a year now.  This year the committment from the students is lacking and we decided today to cancel it for the rest of the year.  It makes me sad, I love that activity and it's a nice break from real-life, but without students there is no point.

However, some of my other students want to start a gay-straight alliance group.  I told them I would be their teacher supervisor, but they had to have a group of interested students.  The problem is though that we are in a small, rural town and something like that may not actually fly with parents and community members.  We have some students in our school who are openly gay and bi, but parents would rather not acknowledge it... which is part of the problem.  I see it as being a battle from day one.

I spend a part of my day with the smallest people in the school.  I know they are only 5 & 6 years old, but being asked if I "have a baby in my tummy" is still painful.  Yes, I'm extra fluffy in that area, but when the comments come it hurts.  I know they are just little kids, but seriously people, teach your children not to ask such questions!  The other day I had a child ask if I had any kids at home - when I told him no, he said "Oh, you should go get some".  Ahhh, if only it was that easy.

My husband (who is currently unemployed) decided to go for lunch with a friend, which meant that he planned out nothing for supper and wasn't hungry after his late lunch.  That meant that I ended up having a can of soup for supper again... I hate soup (unless I"m sick).

Finally, I have mother issues.  My mother has a neurological issue that we found out a couple of months ago is going to require brain surgery.  She was supposed to be having her first appointment with the brain surgeon on Friday, but "it might snow they say on tv, so I'm calling tomorrow to cancel".  Nothing I could say would change the woman's mind.  Who does that?  Who decides two days before that they are cancelling.  You wait until that morning and then call and cancel if there is bad weather.  My mother might be certifiable.  The worst part is that she thinks it's just super-simple to cancel a sub.  "Just tell them you don't need the sub".  Yeah, I could do that, but the sub has been booked for weeks which means that the woman has probably turned down several other jobs for that day... so for me to come in the day before and say "nope, don't need you", I think is rude and doesn't show respect for my sub.  I'm not sure what I"m going to do exactly - maybe take a medical day myself and get chiro done... if the weather is good enough of course. With my luck, the weather will be crap, confirming my mother's suspicions and only giving her fodder for the next time.

I think the only option left at this point is to just call it a day and try again tomorrow.

Baptism

So hubby and I had a long talk on Sunday night about how if BIL didn't contact us by today, we would not be going to the baby's baptism, even if we were invited.  We just felt that it would be unreasonable to expect us to be at an event only five days away and besides that, it is just wrong to wait to invite your own brother to your baby's baptism until the last minute.

So we had a long talk about how MIL has changed since the baby has come around.  I told hubby that I feel guilty and it's my fault that he's not a father yet.  I feel like MIL has resentment against me because of it.  Don't get me wrong, MIL is not the warmest person in the world - she's been described by her own son as cold.  She's never openly said that she doesn't like me, but it's just a feeling that I have.  I get a strong feeling that she feels I'm not good enough.  I can't figure out why.  I'm kind, honest, intelligent, and generally a good person.  I'm not pretty, I'm not thin, and I think that's part of it.  My MIL is quite superficial.  Anyway, since the niece was born, I feel like there is additional coldness and I feel like she has added resentment because I haven't given her son a child yet.  This is quite funny when you think about it, given that BIL and his wife have been married nearly 15 years and just had their first baby in their 40s.  But apparently I'm a giant loser for not having a baby at 36 after 4 years of marriage.  At least that's the way it's coming across.

So, anyway, after this long discussion on Sunday, hubby tells me on Monday that his phone was apparently not picking up texts and his brother texted him an invite on Sunday night.  So I guess we're going to be going to the baptism, unless the roads don't hold.  We've had a miserable winter and the roads have been horrible - today was solid ice covered with snow - it was pretty hard going to get to work.  So, unless winter rears its ugly head again and we get another storm, we'll be off to church on Sunday.

Here's another question I had, and yes I realise I sound like a bitch on this one.  Who manages to schedule a baptism at a busy church at 10:30 in the morning?  I fear this is going to lead to me having to sit through a church service prior to the baptism.  I know it sounds stupid, but I don't like being tricked into going to to church.  When I started having big IF problems, I started questioning and losing any faith I had (sounds like a topic for another post).  Since then I've only been to church for funerals and weddings.  I know I will just have to suck it up and go, but I hate that I have to go to church and fake it.

So my weekend will end with me having to spend yet another day with everyone fawning over this baby and her parents. Seriously in my husband's family it's like these two just figured out the cure for global warming - they have been made into gods - and it really is getting sickening.  To top it off, we are going to have to make the 2 hour drive that morning, because BIL is staying at the inlaw's house, so we can't.  Why you might ask?  Because we can't leave our dog at home overnight, obviously - we don't have an outdoor space for him - he lives indoors.  We were told that if we brought the dog he would have to stay in the shop for the night - um, no!  We could ask my parents to take him for the night, but I just don't feel right asking them to do it... again.  So we'll just leave early and put in the drive in the morning to get there.  And I guarantee that nobody is going to care that we put in the time or the drive.  *sigh*  We'll see if anyone even acknowledges my presence - it doesn't happen often.

Jealousy?  Perhaps... but come on, it's getting a bit over the top on the worship of these people.

The Inlaws

So hubby was just talking with his dad on the phone and the topic of his niece's baptism came up.  It's an early morning baptism next weekend.  Basically we were told that if we come to stay over, we can't bring the dog because BIL and family will be there with the baby.  So if we bring the dog, he will have to stay in the shop.

That's unacceptable to me.  I am not putting my 10-month-old puppy in the shop for the day and night so as to not bother anyone.  First of all, my puppy is very social.  If he is left alone outside for 10 minutes he cries and barks.  Leave him alone in a shop for a whole day and night?  He will end up barking and working himself into a frenzy and making himself sick.  That's not acceptable.  So basically, our only option at this point is to either drive in early in the morning and leaving the puppy at home all day - which he is used to anyway with us working, OR leaving him with my parents who I know would happily take him for an overnight - my dad loves that dog.

Here is the thing though - we haven't been technically invited to this baptism.  MIL and FIL have both mentioned it - as in, "oh they are baptizing baby on the weekend", but that's it.  There has been no official invite from the parents.  FIL said they are doing all invites via email and text, but there is still no reason then.  BIL has both of our cell numbers and my email addy.

Some background.  There are a number of years between hubby and BIL (more than five).  BIL was from MIL's first marriage, so the boys don't share a father, although FIL has never been anything but equal to the boys and has never treated BIL as anything other than a son.  Growing up was a bad situation for hubby.  BIL was violent and abusive toward him and nobody did anything to stop it.  Since I've been on the scene, I've actually heard MIL say "Oh, it's just C being C" when BIL starts acting rude or assy.  My response one day was "No, it's C being an ass and I can't believe you people let him get away with this behaviour". Nobody much liked that.  We've had more than our fair share of issues with him since hubby and I got together.  I'm still pissed at him for his behaviour over our wedding.  He was uncooperative and a problem through nearly all of the planning.  He always thinks that he's right, and if you say anything to contradict him, he throws a hissy fit.  One year he stopped speaking to hubby for six months because hubby made an innocuous comment at Christmas.  Hubby's comment was stupid, but not offensive - BIL just got a bee in his bonnet and decided to stop speaking to hubby.

Anyway, so hubby and his brother are the only kids in that family.  MIL and FIL are fully engaged in the life of BIL and this baby.  Which means that because we don't have kids, we're on the outside.  I warned hubby this would happen.  It happened to a lesser extent in my family when my nephew was born.  Suddenly it was more important (and still is) for my brother and his family to be somewhere than for us to be there - all because there was a baby involved.  The inlaws are starting to get to that point.  Nobody gives a shit if we are present, as long as that baby is there.  It is like a slap to me because I'm the reason that we can't have kids.  I feel like I'm causing hubby this problem with his family because if he was with someone else, he'd have a kid by now.

Yesterday, hubby called to talk to his mom and she barely had anything to say to him.  When he told his dad today that a secondary invite through them doesn't cut it and that we're feeling a bit slighted because other people have gotten birth announcements, etc, and we haven't, his dad quickly ended the conversation.

Hubby is quite upset by all this.  He's always relied on his parents for a lot, and I think he feels like they are abandoning him in favour of his brother because of this baby.  To top it off, this is his only niece and he has nothing to do with her... I don't think he has even held her yet.  Yes, we have a niece on my side of the family, but it's not the same thing.

It has been suggested by a number of people that perhaps this is BIL/SIL's way of trying to be sensitive to us because of our IF issues.  Perhaps, but if they have gone through even close to what we have (which I know they haven't), then they should know that the best thing to do would be to ask how much we want to be involved, or invite us/include us with the caveat that they don't expect us to be there if it's too much.  By excluding us they have created more hard feelings and possibly irreparably damaged an already tenuous relationship between brothers.

I don't know what to do about this - what I know is that I feel bad for hubby and I feel guilty and partly responsible.  I also want to help fix this, but I don't know what to do.  What I know is that if we don't get an invite in the next couple of days, things are going to get really messy inlaw wise.

Bullets, bullets, bullets

Where to start... where to start...

It's been about three months since I've last updated.  I just haven't felt up to it.  Besides the poor-me moments of thinking that nobody is reading anyway, I just think that often I'm complaining and really shouldn't.  I also start to think that I have nothing of interest to say.  But here I am, with a very long update.  I started to think that maybe part of my problem is that I'm not getting my feelings and thoughts out anymore - my poor husband can only handle so much complaining after all.  Even if nobody is reading, it is still an outlet, right?

So here goes and I apologize for the bullets but otherwise it could get even longer...

Family Drama

• The update on my last post (my SIL's pregnancy announcement):  unfortunately my SIL miscarried in January.  We had a nice Christmas of everyone super focused on the idea of a new baby in the family (lots of fun with that one).  Then I heard second-hand from my mother that my SIL had miscarried again.  This is her 6th miscarriage.  In fact, after the one last year they were told to get genetic counselling before getting pregnant again - they decided to just let it all play out and not be careful.  So another pregnancy, and another miscarriage.  I feel horrible for them, but I don't understand why they keep doing this to themselves.
• We had found out in September that my husband's SIL was also pregnant.  We were given basically no information on this pregnancy - not even a due date.  We were told through a text from my MIL.  In December, my husband texted his mother and asked when SIL was due - he was told "any day".  We were told three days later by text again (from his mother) that the baby had been born.  My inlaws are bizarre that way.  Very cold and not getting that this type of communication is not helpful to us.  So baby was born in December, we didn't actually meet her until February because every time we were going to be at the inlaws', the BIL and SIL decided they couldn't make it.  Rumour has it that they had to use the same fertility clinic that we are using in order to have their baby - but apparently they decided that they didn't have to have any consideration for us in how we were told, etc.
• On another front in the new baby drama in my husband's family - apparently there has been a baptism date set for next weekend.  We haven't been officially told about it yet.  MIL mentioned it in passing, as in "well if you're coming in next weekend we will be gone to K's baptism on Sunday".  WTF, hubby only has one sibling and this is his only niece, but apparently we aren't important enough to warrant an invitation to the baptism!?  Hubby is pretty even tempered, but he's pissed.  He said that if we don't get invited, that that's it - he's done with his brother!  I don't blame him.
• We got to spend a week trapped in a hotel room with the inlaws - all of them, including the new baby.  We all went to Hawaii for a week.  I'm not complaining about getting a trip to Hawaii, but the company became rather frustrating at times.  It has been made abundantly clear that hubby and I are nothing now because we don't have a baby... nice reminder of the infertility while on vacation.

Health

• I think that I had mentioned that I had a biopsy at the end of November.  It was the most painful thing that I have ever endured.  She had to go in 7 times to try to get some tissue.  There was a lot of blood in the uterus so she didn't think that she had gotten any tissue.  When I went back to see her in January, it turned out that there was a little bit of tissue in the sample.  The tissue was clear of any hyperplasia, precancer, or cancer... so yay!  But the oncologist wanted a better sample to ensure that it wasn't just that little bit of tissue that was clear.  She scheduled a D&C for the end of the January.  She decided on a D&C under general anesthesia because I just can't handle the pain of biopsy anymore.
• At the end of January I had a D&C.  It went fairly well.  She was impressed with what she saw and said she thought that it looked good.  I went back in February and she said that there was no sign of hyperplasia, precancer or cancer in any of the tissue - which means that I've been clear for six months at least since August's biopsy was clear.  Then she told me that she wouldn't release me to the RE until she had one more clear test.  So the next biopsy is to be done in late April which means that we should have results by mid-May and hopefully be to the RE by late May.  
• When I was in for the D&C it was discovered that I had some really high blood pressure - we're talking somewhere around 170/110.  The first read came in at 215/120 and the nurse when running for backup thinking that I was about to stroke out.  The anesthesiologist gave me something to bring it down during and after surgery, and made me promise to see my GP.  I saw my GP a few weeks ago and she gave me some drugs to bring it down.  This week I had a follow-up with the GP and the BP was down to 140/85.  The GP is very happy with the bottom number and feels that the top will still come down more with some time.  I have a follow up in April with her and we'll see how it is then.
• During the BP appointment I started coughing - I got back from Hawaii and promptly got sick - and the GP dropped everything, grabbed her stethoscope and checked my chest.  It took her about 15 seconds to tell me that I had bad bronchitis.  She put me on antibiotics.  I know that antibiotics don't usually make a difference in terms of bronchitis, but it's more of a warding off something worse.  I have a tendency to have any lung infections become pneumonia, so the antibiotics will help prevent that.  So far, the cough has improved - the rattle is gone and I can sleep at night now so that's good.

That's about all I can think of right now for updates.  I will give you an update of my trip - the good parts - later this weekend (maybe even with some pictures).