Saturday, 9 March 2013

The Inlaws

So hubby was just talking with his dad on the phone and the topic of his niece's baptism came up.  It's an early morning baptism next weekend.  Basically we were told that if we come to stay over, we can't bring the dog because BIL and family will be there with the baby.  So if we bring the dog, he will have to stay in the shop.

That's unacceptable to me.  I am not putting my 10-month-old puppy in the shop for the day and night so as to not bother anyone.  First of all, my puppy is very social.  If he is left alone outside for 10 minutes he cries and barks.  Leave him alone in a shop for a whole day and night?  He will end up barking and working himself into a frenzy and making himself sick.  That's not acceptable.  So basically, our only option at this point is to either drive in early in the morning and leaving the puppy at home all day - which he is used to anyway with us working, OR leaving him with my parents who I know would happily take him for an overnight - my dad loves that dog.

Here is the thing though - we haven't been technically invited to this baptism.  MIL and FIL have both mentioned it - as in, "oh they are baptizing baby on the weekend", but that's it.  There has been no official invite from the parents.  FIL said they are doing all invites via email and text, but there is still no reason then.  BIL has both of our cell numbers and my email addy.

Some background.  There are a number of years between hubby and BIL (more than five).  BIL was from MIL's first marriage, so the boys don't share a father, although FIL has never been anything but equal to the boys and has never treated BIL as anything other than a son.  Growing up was a bad situation for hubby.  BIL was violent and abusive toward him and nobody did anything to stop it.  Since I've been on the scene, I've actually heard MIL say "Oh, it's just C being C" when BIL starts acting rude or assy.  My response one day was "No, it's C being an ass and I can't believe you people let him get away with this behaviour". Nobody much liked that.  We've had more than our fair share of issues with him since hubby and I got together.  I'm still pissed at him for his behaviour over our wedding.  He was uncooperative and a problem through nearly all of the planning.  He always thinks that he's right, and if you say anything to contradict him, he throws a hissy fit.  One year he stopped speaking to hubby for six months because hubby made an innocuous comment at Christmas.  Hubby's comment was stupid, but not offensive - BIL just got a bee in his bonnet and decided to stop speaking to hubby.

Anyway, so hubby and his brother are the only kids in that family.  MIL and FIL are fully engaged in the life of BIL and this baby.  Which means that because we don't have kids, we're on the outside.  I warned hubby this would happen.  It happened to a lesser extent in my family when my nephew was born.  Suddenly it was more important (and still is) for my brother and his family to be somewhere than for us to be there - all because there was a baby involved.  The inlaws are starting to get to that point.  Nobody gives a shit if we are present, as long as that baby is there.  It is like a slap to me because I'm the reason that we can't have kids.  I feel like I'm causing hubby this problem with his family because if he was with someone else, he'd have a kid by now.

Yesterday, hubby called to talk to his mom and she barely had anything to say to him.  When he told his dad today that a secondary invite through them doesn't cut it and that we're feeling a bit slighted because other people have gotten birth announcements, etc, and we haven't, his dad quickly ended the conversation.

Hubby is quite upset by all this.  He's always relied on his parents for a lot, and I think he feels like they are abandoning him in favour of his brother because of this baby.  To top it off, this is his only niece and he has nothing to do with her... I don't think he has even held her yet.  Yes, we have a niece on my side of the family, but it's not the same thing.

It has been suggested by a number of people that perhaps this is BIL/SIL's way of trying to be sensitive to us because of our IF issues.  Perhaps, but if they have gone through even close to what we have (which I know they haven't), then they should know that the best thing to do would be to ask how much we want to be involved, or invite us/include us with the caveat that they don't expect us to be there if it's too much.  By excluding us they have created more hard feelings and possibly irreparably damaged an already tenuous relationship between brothers.

I don't know what to do about this - what I know is that I feel bad for hubby and I feel guilty and partly responsible.  I also want to help fix this, but I don't know what to do.  What I know is that if we don't get an invite in the next couple of days, things are going to get really messy inlaw wise.



1) You are not responsible and have nothing to feel guilty about. 2) Your BIL is an ass and obviously if she is going along with it, so is SIL. 3)Your in-laws (and even your parents to a lesser degree) need to grow up. Your IF issues do not make your husband and you any less worthy as people. Would they just forget about you if you were in a wreck and were physically impaired in some other way? They really need to remember that being a parent is about loving and accepting.


I agree with everything Nell said.

I can understand you wanting to fix this situation, but I honestly don't know if there's anything you can do about it. Your husband has been upfront about how you both feel and the ball is now in your BIL's court. If he doesn't step up with an invite, then it's not on either of you. And I agree that the second-hand invite from your MIL and FIL just doesn't cut it.

I'm sorry the two of you are going through this. :(

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