Saturday, 27 August 2016

What's been happening - baby news

So I said I would update on what had been happening since I wrote over two years ago.

I'll start with baby news as that was where this blog first started out.

Long story short... There is still no baby.  It makes me very sad.  We've tried hard to make it happen but still nothing.

Last summer we went through IVF treatments in Calgary.  I started my injections and thought "wow those doses seem high" but the doctors know what they are doing, so I went with it.  We were scheduled to head to Calgary on July 20 for our first in-person tracking on the 21st.  I got a call on July 17 (I had had blood work and a tracking ultrasound that morning in Regina) telling us to get there ASAP.  I was responding too well and they needed me out there the next morning.  We packed up quickly, dumped the dog at my parents' place and started the 8 hour trek.  We got to Calgary at 1 am.  At 6 we were off to the clinic where the tracking ultrasound revealed 40 follicles!!!  Immediately my meds were cut nearly in half and we continued daily tracking and bloodwork for the next week.  

On July 25 the follicles were ready and our retrieval was done.  Nobody can quiet prepare you for the feeling of a needle going through the wall of your vajayjay.  Luckily I had a good nurse who demanded that they give me extra pain meds.  It took about 10 minutes and they got 21 eggs.

Later that day we got word that 11 eggs were mature but my husband's sperm wasn't.  That's been our joke.  At one point his sperm was lazy.  Now they are little go-getters but we're just a bit low on the normal side of things.  He said, or sure, now they aren't lazy, just stupid.  We opted for ICSI since we didn't want to lose any possible chances - in for a penny and all.

We waited patiently for the next five days getting our daily updates.  Until day five all 11 had fertilized and a few were falling behind but still going.  When I went in for the fresh transfer on day six, only five had survived but they all looked good.

It is policy to only transfer one the first time, so we did- the rest hit the freezer.  

The transfer was quick and painless but the doctor said it was hard to visualize the uterus due to "excess material".  I told him to just call a spade a spade- he couldn't see through the fat.  

We headed back home the next day and waited.

Spotting started about ten days later and I knew we were out.  The clinic called five days later with my 14dpt bloodwork to confirm, but by then I already had a full blown period so it wasn't a surprise.

The only thing that was suggested to have it fail was that if the doctor couldn't properly visualize the uterus the embryo may have been misplaced.

We still had four frozen remaining so at least there was that.

In October we got called to do a frozen transfer and decided to jump back in.  We were ready to start meds when I got a call from the bariatric surgery clinic.  My name was finally at the top of the list after waiting 30 months.  We had to decide what to do.  I could do the transfer and go back to another 30 month wait or do the surgery and wait on the transfer.  

The fertility specialist said that since my body is in good shape and my fertility and egg numbers put me at that of a 23 year old, and since the embryos won't get any older, I should do the bariatric surgery.  With the weight gone I would have a greater success.  So that's the plan we decided on.  We cancelled the transfer and I jumped into this bariatric surgery thing with both feet.

We still have four beautiful embryos waiting and as soon as my rapid weight loss stops we are going to do another transfer - likely next summer.

In the meantime, both of our best friends have welcomed babies in the past three years and so I'm getting my fill that way!! I still long to have my own, but it's a great motivation to keep going on the weight loss journey.


the ins and outs of surgery

My bariatric surgery was on August 22.  We were to get to the hospital at 6:30 and naturally both of us set our alarms for 5:30 PM and we woke up with 15 minutes to get to the hospital.  We made it only 5 minutes late and then had to wait nearly 45 minutes to have them start my pre-op work.  After that it went quick- it was only 25 minutes until I was in the operating room.  For the first time in any surgery I don't remember anything after they put the oxygen on me.  A few deep breaths and I was out.  Typically I hear them telling me to relax and then that they are giving me the sedative.  Not this time!  
The next thing I knew I was in the recovery room feeling ready to puke.  I didn't, luckily, but it was definitely feeling that way.  I fell back to sleep and then woke up in my room.  

I dozed on and off all day, taking the morphine they offered.  I had a roommate from hell- I will discuss that in a further post.  Spent the first day mostly sleeping.  They had me get out of bed and walk on the spot for a few seconds then back to bed.

On Tueaday I woke up feeling pretty good.  I took a bit of morphine through the day but not much.  I had my catheter removed and was cleared to be up and moving around, so I went for several walks.  I also had the joy of the leak test. You stand in front of an X-ray machine and drink this nasty sweet/bitter liquid while they check to make sure that everything goes where it is supposed to. At about 3 pm we finally got clearance that everything looked good and I could start plain water- 2 tbsp per hour only.  Let me tell you, after about 40 hours with no water (and having been intubated) that water was gooooood.

On Wednesday I got moved on to other clear liquids- broth, tea, etc, and up to 1/3 of a cup per hour.  Spent a lot of time walking around the ward and chatting with the nurses.  My bruising got much worse and everyone seemed really concerned.  They did several more blood tests and had three more doctors come and look at it.  They drew around bruises with sharpies to get a sense of how fast they were growing.  They slowed down in growth and it was discovered that my hemoglobin had dropped and that was why the bruises were spreading.  Nothing to worry about they assured me.

I had a crappy sleep that night- just tired of the hopsital bed and wanting to be home.  Thursday they took out the IV- finally, and moved me to a protein shake diet which I will be on for the next two weeks. I got discharged from the hospital at around noon and headed on home.

The last couple of days have been about sitting around, napping, and drinking constantly- or so it seems!  Today has brought a bit of soreness and itchiness at the incision sites but that means healing!

Everyday is a bit better than the last!

Sunday, 21 August 2016

the surgery

So there is going to be a major surgery, and it's going to be tomorrow.  In about 7 hours actually.

My Roux-en-y barriatric bypass surgery is happening and I'm terrified.  And I'm hungry!!!  All I've been able to eat for the last two weeks has been protein shakes (made according to doctor's instructions) and clear liquids.  Today it was only clear liquids.  I know the surgery will be a huge benefit but I'm still scared.

Thursday, 4 August 2016

loooooong overdue update

I'm not even sure if anyone follows my blog anymore, but for my own sanity I think it's time to start writing again.  So what has happened since the last time I wrote?  Wow- lots happened but nothing much changed.  Over the next couple of weeks I will give more detailed updates, but for now, here are the bullet points...

Monday, 21 October 2013

Working in (my own personal) Hell

Honestly I must have been on bad mammer-jammer in a past life because things around here keep getting worse.

I'm already having to see one coworker who is due in December flit around all happy (and why shouldn't she be) and now this morning my boss announces that she too is pregnant. My coworker only knows a small bit of my story but she was kind enough this summer to text me to tell me so I wouldn't find out via a group announcement. My boss knows most of my story and has a sister who did IVF and she still didn't have the decency to warn me. It was like someone hit me in the head and ripped out my guts.

I'm supposed to be on a prep right now but I can't concentrate. I'm so over this place. There is another coworker who I think may also be pregnant (I suspect she did IVF at the start of September and given that she didn't seem too upset by the announement I think she might be... Then again she might have a great IF face like me). There is yet another coworker who got married this summer and is inching up on 30 - they lived together for two years already so it wouldn't surprise me if she got pregnant soon too.

And then it will be me alone. The one married young-ish woman in the place without kids.

I'm hoping this is our month but not holdin my breath. FF has changed the day it thinks I ovulated 3 times and the one it keeps going back to means we are out of luck completely. The other two possible days at least put us kind of in the running, but I never got a positive OPK this month so I'm thinking it probably didn't happen at all

I'm seriously thinking of ordering Cl.omid online but I'm kind of hesitant.

At this point I'm so sad and anxious all the time and I actually dread my job these days.


Sunday, 29 September 2013

Blog name change!

So for various reasons I am considering changing my blog name. When I created it the name seemed to fit but I am no longer in a "what happens, happens) place in my world.

Some of the idea poking around in my head are:
     • a little too late
     • a start to late 
     • too fat to parent
     • my bmi battle
     • empathy not judgements 

Any other ideas please send then. When I find one I like I'll make the changes. Hope to hear from you.

Friday, 27 September 2013

The verdict

No! That's right she said no. She didn't even bat an eye when I told her about 40 lbs and she said that she thinks it is ridiculous that I'm seeing multiple doctors. She went on to say that ifthe specialist   (RE) didn't want to deal with it, why would a generalist. Them she said that I started a bit too late and might be right that we will run out of time.

The whole appointment left me sad and empty. I've seriously thought about just ending it all tonight. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. The thought of getting through tomorrow make me sad. Everything just hurts.

All the things that the doctors are saying ate just like the things the bullies used to say... So now I'm back to being the scared little girl. I need to get past that.

Anyway,the answer is 100lb loss, that's all I can do.

I fucking hate my life