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Sunday, 21 August 2016

the surgery

So there is going to be a major surgery, and it's going to be tomorrow.  In about 7 hours actually.

My Roux-en-y barriatric bypass surgery is happening and I'm terrified.  And I'm hungry!!!  All I've been able to eat for the last two weeks has been protein shakes (made according to doctor's instructions) and clear liquids.  Today it was only clear liquids.  I know the surgery will be a huge benefit but I'm still scared.

Thursday, 4 August 2016

loooooong overdue update

I'm not even sure if anyone follows my blog anymore, but for my own sanity I think it's time to start writing again.  So what has happened since the last time I wrote?  Wow- lots happened but nothing much changed.  Over the next couple of weeks I will give more detailed updates, but for now, here are the bullet points...

Monday, 21 October 2013

Working in (my own personal) Hell

Honestly I must have been on bad mammer-jammer in a past life because things around here keep getting worse.

I'm already having to see one coworker who is due in December flit around all happy (and why shouldn't she be) and now this morning my boss announces that she too is pregnant. My coworker only knows a small bit of my story but she was kind enough this summer to text me to tell me so I wouldn't find out via a group announcement. My boss knows most of my story and has a sister who did IVF and she still didn't have the decency to warn me. It was like someone hit me in the head and ripped out my guts.

I'm supposed to be on a prep right now but I can't concentrate. I'm so over this place. There is another coworker who I think may also be pregnant (I suspect she did IVF at the start of September and given that she didn't seem too upset by the announement I think she might be... Then again she might have a great IF face like me). There is yet another coworker who got married this summer and is inching up on 30 - they lived together for two years already so it wouldn't surprise me if she got pregnant soon too.

And then it will be me alone. The one married young-ish woman in the place without kids.

I'm hoping this is our month but not holdin my breath. FF has changed the day it thinks I ovulated 3 times and the one it keeps going back to means we are out of luck completely. The other two possible days at least put us kind of in the running, but I never got a positive OPK this month so I'm thinking it probably didn't happen at all

I'm seriously thinking of ordering Cl.omid online but I'm kind of hesitant.

At this point I'm so sad and anxious all the time and I actually dread my job these days.

Sigh

Sunday, 29 September 2013

Blog name change!

So for various reasons I am considering changing my blog name. When I created it the name seemed to fit but I am no longer in a "what happens, happens) place in my world.

Some of the idea poking around in my head are:
     • a little too late
     • a start to late 
     • too fat to parent
     • my bmi battle
     • empathy not judgements 

Any other ideas please send then. When I find one I like I'll make the changes. Hope to hear from you.

Friday, 27 September 2013

The verdict

No! That's right she said no. She didn't even bat an eye when I told her about 40 lbs and she said that she thinks it is ridiculous that I'm seeing multiple doctors. She went on to say that ifthe specialist   (RE) didn't want to deal with it, why would a generalist. Them she said that I started a bit too late and might be right that we will run out of time.

The whole appointment left me sad and empty. I've seriously thought about just ending it all tonight. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. The thought of getting through tomorrow make me sad. Everything just hurts.

All the things that the doctors are saying ate just like the things the bullies used to say... So now I'm back to being the scared little girl. I need to get past that.

Anyway,the answer is 100lb loss, that's all I can do.

I fucking hate my life

Thursday, 26 September 2013

The verdict

No! That's right she said no. She didn't even bat an eye when I told her about 40 lbs and she said that she thinks it is ridiculous that I'm seeing multiple doctors. She went on to say that ifthe specialist   (RE) didn't want to deal with it, why would a generalist. Them she said that I started a bit too late and might be right that we will run out of time.

The whole appointment left me sad and empty. I've seriously thought about just ending it all tonight. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. The thought of getting through tomorrow make me sad. Everything just hurts.

All the things that the doctors are saying ate just like the things the bullies used to say... So now I'm back to being the scared little girl. I need to get past that.

Anyway,the answer is 100lb loss, that's all I can do.

I fucking hate my life

Leap of Faith

So I'm sitting at my GPs office. Have I mentioned how long the waits here are? Waiting an hour is average. I walked in five minutes before my appointment to find six people in the waiting room still ahead of me. 40 minutes later and we're down to two ahead of me (not including those waiting in exam rooms). She is always so far behind but she's great so people wait.

Anyway I'm sitting here because I want to change my blood pressure meds. She told me last Feb that if I got pregnant or was trying that I needed to change meds. NO I'm not pregnant (unfortunately)... But I have an appointment this afternoon with my OBGYN and I'm really hoping that she will agree to let me try tracked cycles with Clomid.  I'm very nervous and quite sure that she will reject me as too fat like the rest of the doctors have. I'm at the point of not having much hope anymore. 

As you may recall, I saw the RE in June and was basically told that I was too fat. She wouldn't help me until I lost at least 100 lbs (she wouldn't give me an exact number, just told me to come back when I lost 100 lbs and we'd talk about it then). You would think that REs would know that infertile women are on the edge, but I guess not.

So I've been working my ass off. And even though I was on crutches for nearly 7 weeks, as I this morning I'm down 40 lbs since the end of June. My BMI has dropped nearly 6 pts and I've lost 6 inches off my waist. All good things but they will mean nothing to me if nobody is willing to help me get pregnant.

So I hope that the OBGyN helps me out, but I'm steeling myself for another disappointment because it really seems like the world doesn't want me to get pregnant or be a parent.