Sunday, 29 April 2012

How do YOU respond?

So, I'm looking for feedback and ideas.

Here is the background on my situation.  I'm heading off to Calgary for my uncle's memorial service on Thursday.  It is going to be a big reunion of sorts for my father's family.  They never get together, except for weddings and funerals and unfortunately, most of us are married now.  So, my uncle (I mentioned him before) passed away of cancer and pneumonia complications shortly after Easter, and the memorial is set for Friday.  So I get to spend Thursday evening and all day Friday with my father's uber-fertile family.

I call them uber-fertile because they all have many many children (I have one aunt who has 9 kids, and more grandchildren than she can count... seriously, if you ask her about them, she loses track of all of them before she's done talking about them).  My father has the small family in the family (with only two of us).

The last time that we saw most of these people was our wedding nearly three years ago.  Now, we're going to see them again, without a baby in tow.  To top it off, my uber-fertile cousin is due in June with her third in four years... and yes, they planned it that way.  sigh.

So my question is... how do you respond to the questions?  I know that they will be coming.  "when are you going to have kids?"  "Are you guys going to have kids?" "Why don't you have kids yet?"  and my favourite, every time I'm seen in the company of a small child "Oh, that looks so good on you, you should have some... what do you think?".  My brother and SIL are coming with their children too, so I know that I"m going to buried under my niece and nephew who idolize me and who I don't see often enough.  I can handle them around, I love them dearly and their presence doesn't make me sad ... it makes wish that I had one too, but it doesn't make sad.  Other people's babies... they make me sad.

So, I want to just say "well, hopefully soon", or "given that we've been trying for three years, I have no idea", or "well, we start fertility treatments this summer so we'll see".  But I don't know.  It probably depends on who asks, but honestly, I don't know how to respond...


Friday, 27 April 2012

Shoot me now

Ok, so it's been a little while. I don't really know what to put in this post. I guess I will bullet post to get it all out. Before I start, I just want to let everyone know that I"m kinda in a fragile place and in no way am I trying to make people feel bad, etc. I'm just where I am right now...

  •  Good news first... our drama group won the runner up prize for best overall play, runner up for best technical performance, and one of our actors got best actor of the festival. So that was good - lots of hard work, but they put in an amazing performance. I couldn't have asked for better! I love those kids. 
  •  There has been a bit of stress at work in the past couple of days. I'm not going to give much detail, but one of the seniors was arrested on weapons charges. Yes he had a weapon, but it is a bogus charge for many reasons... part of which is that he was defending himself against a crazy-ass ex-girlfriend. Sufficed to say, all the senior class is up in arms over this and worried that their grad might be in jeopardy from her actions. 
  • I had a coworker insinuate today that I don't control my students. Four of my homeroom girls weren't where they should have been after the bell. I walked into my room to find them there when they should have been in study hall. I sent them on their way, and the other teacher made a comment about how "her" kids would never do that. I call bullshit! I regularly send her students to their classes or they show up late to mine. We just changed bell schedules (and have two sets of bells running) this past week and three of the girls are new to the school (in the last two months) so aren't familiar with the system. It really pissed me off!
  •  This week has been tough in TTC land for me. I have seen eight bloggers that I follow get BFP and one woman in a FB group I'm part of. Don't get me wrong - I'm so happy that they have finally gotten a BFP, but accompanied with the rest of the TTC shit that I'm dealing with right now... well, it's made me pretty despondent. I'm stuck in self-pity mode of "why not me".
  •  Next week marks 3 years of trying for us. I can't believe it! THREE! I expected to be trying for number two by now... not wondering if number one would ever come. sigh.
  •  I still don't have an appointment with the oncologist. After they avoided my calls for two weeks and never returned my emails, I went to the office on Wednesday. They said that they just got the referral the day before and that they would find a time and call me. They called that afternoon and told me that he could see me at 2 pm on May 4th. That was the only time, otherwise I'd have to wait until June. JUNE! Well, May 4th is the day of my uncle's memorial, and it's out-of-province, so guess who is not taking that oncology appointment. I tried to call the Cancer Centre that he works out of and they said that he can't see me there because "you don't have cancer". My response was that if someone doesn't do something to get me in to see this guy, I would be seeing him there. And let me tell you, if all this run around is going to be the cause of me getting cancer... I will be suing someone's ass off!! And that's strong language... Canadians don't sue. LOL. 
  •  As of today, still not word from the oncologist. The Cancer Centre was going to leave him a message to call me or refer me to someone else because I "didn't want to wait" until June. It's not that I don't WANT to wait... it's that I would really like to save my damned uterus. I often wonder if the people working in these places have any fucking clue what they are saying. So far, he hasn't called me. 
  •  Good news - I got a letter from the fertility clinic. I'm in with the head doctor - the only one who does IVF in this province. Bad news - she has a 6 month waiting list. BUT... they put me on the cancellation list so I may get in sooner than that. Worst case, I should be in by October. Hell, by the time anyone sees me, either my uterus will be useless or my ovaries will have dried up. 

 Well, that's my update. My hubby is gone for a couple of days, leaving me in a very yucky emotional state and all alone... and I didn't buy nearly enough chocolate to get me through it.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Crazy week

I'm exhausted. Since school started back after Easter break I feel like I haven't had a moment's rest.

On Monday I had to make 2 desserts fr our drama dessert theater and a dish for the cast potluck. I'm a sucker for some of the kids in the play and when two of them requested the sweet and sour meatballs I made at Christmas, well I just had to. So I got home and spent my evening in the kitchen.

Tuesday our drama club did a full performance of our competition play for the community. It was a dessert theatre. We had about 75 people turn out which is really good for our community. It was a long night but the kids did amazing! If they perform that good at competition on Friday, hey can't lose.

Today was a tough day. I was tires and a couple of kids were pushing my buttons. I just wanted a nap. By the last class I really just needed to sleep. But there was more drama practice after school so that was out.

My uncle passed away late Mobday night. He is the second oldest in my father's family. He and my dad were kinda close (my dad was the fifth kid - no fertility issues in that family). Thy hadn't seen each other for a while but talked on the phone lots. He ended up with pneumonia which wore him down and his cancer came back with a vengeance. He was nearly 81. I remember being so scared of him as a little kid because he had a hook instead of a hand... In my head he was Captain Hook. The first weekend I remember spending at his house I got over that feat pretty quick lol. His family was really expecting more time (the doctors said a few weeks and he died that night) so they are dealing but its tough.

So it's only wednesday and I just had a 10 day break and I need another vacation.

In TTC news... Still nothing from the oncologist and nothing from AF either... But my temp plummeted this morning so I'm guessing tomorrow ... Just what I need to finish out the week!

Monday, 16 April 2012

My Insane Existence

Well, it was back to work today... 12 days of vacation had killed my sleeping schedule and I nearly got no sleep last night. Well, hopefully tonight. I just took a sleeping pill, so if it turns out to be an incomprehensible posting you'll know why.

This week is uber busy. Our Drama Club is going to Regional Competition on Friday. The goal, obviously, is to win and go on to Provincial Competition. I personally, think that the kids are good enough to win it, but I might be a bit biased. They have been working really hard and it's coming together really well. We have our dress rehearsal for the community tomorrow, so that's stressful. Last time we did this we got about 60 people, but it was on a stormy night in December - this time, I'm told that we should expect a much higher turn out... yay! The kids are all excited. Practice today was crap - they were all too giddy and couldn't concentrate, but that's because we weren't on the stage as usual. Oh well.

So, Friday I'm at competition with them all day, and then Saturday, we have the banquet where we pick up our first place prize... hopefully! But this is the first time they've (or I've) ever done a competition, so everyone is a bit freaked out. But that's growing pains. I'm really sad that I'm losing two students next year through graduation... they are amazing and awesome kids! I'm going to go into business with one of them - he wants to start a recording studio when he's done work, and asked if I would do his design work... he'll probably forget by now, but he saw something that I was designing the other day and got very excited. lol

So, drama is taking over my life this week... we were going to start extended track practices this week but it snowed again and extended track means that we work outside for a full hour at lunch on the various activivities. I'm the throwing coach (shot put, discus, javellin). The kids especially laugh when I make them play catch with the shots before throwing. LOL I love it though. I was a thrower in highschool, and a good one! I held the provincial record for a while for shotput. The kids are amazed when they hear the distances I could thrown back then (can't do it now, but then, I was amazing).

I'm glad that I have so much going on right now. I"m on CD39, and if TCOYF is to be believed, I am 11DPO. That's great except there is no chance that I"m pregnant given that ovulation date. We weren't doing any baby making at that time :( If I ovulated on CD 17, then I"m 22DPO and I should be having some sorts of symptoms and a HPT would have hit BFP by now... right?

The onlcologist's office hasn't returned a phone call or email - I'm really annoyed. Oh, I shouldn't be surprised at all.

Well, my eyes are giving out, so it's time to hit the hay. Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

More Grumbling

So I've been trying the oncologist's office since yesterday at lunch. No luck. I get through, choose the option to speak to a receptionist - which is the only option for talking to a real person - and then it rings four times and tells me that "I'm sorry, that extension is unavailable at this time. Please try again later". Then it hangs up!! This morning I got a busy signal, so kept trying - when it finally rang, I got the damned message again!

I thought I'd be smart. I sent an email to them telling them that I couldn't get through but that I needed an appointment and could they please advise me of the first possible time... nothing back yet. That was nearly five hours ago. I guess I'm the only one who sits on my email constantly. :(

I just hope that I can get through and get an appointment and not have to wait for them to call me with one. sigh. You would think that an oncologist's office would be a little easier to contact given the severity of what he deals with.

I took another HPT this morning... hoping beyond hope that it would come back positive. Nope, BFN! That puts me at 17 days past possible ovulation - so I'm taking that as a true negative... no baby again. TCOYF is telling me that I ovulated on CD 28. That could make sense, but it doesn't account for the spotting, etc. If it's the case, we're completely out of the game this month, because honestly, after the spotting hit, I was sicker than a dog and we did nothing to make a baby. So, if it was CD 28, I have another week to go before AF should show up. If it was CD 28 that seems really late, but given that I didn't do the trigger shot.. maybe. I don't know anymore. I'm just sick of it all. I've got slight cramping - the kind that usually starts about a day or two before my period, but I've had it for a day or two. I just want AF to show up now so that we can get the next few months over with. sigh.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Stop Me

So the oncologist's office hasn't been answering the phone all afternoon - which sucks!

I've been in tears all afternoon.

I'm losing my mind quickly.

I just wrote a long rant on a FB group that I"m part of. It's about the Catholic Church and reproductive technology and how I'm pretty much done with my religion at this point.

So I feel lost. I feel alone. I just want it all to stop being so hard.

The Results are In...

Well, I just got a call from Dr. B - my OB/GYN. She finally got the report back from the second opinion on the pathology of my biopsy. It's not good.

Complex Hyperplasia with Atypia.

That's right. If you've been around my blog for a bit, you might recognize those words. That is the exact diagnosis I got in December 2010. What a cluster-fuck (excuse my language).

Let's review, shall we...

In December 2010, I get a biopsy which reveals that I have complex hyperplasia with atypia (basically one step down from cancer). I got to an oncologist who makes it his goal to try to convince me that I need a hysterectomy - which I fight every step of the way. In January I get a D&C and start provera to control the hyperplasia. In March 2011, I have a follow-up biopsy and get the all clear - everything is normal down there.

Then I wait... and wait... and wait... to see the ob/gyn and am unmedicated for several cycles... cycles which were extremely long by the way.

Finally get in to see the ob/gyn and she does more painful tests and starts me on clomid and hcg trigger, only to have that cycle fail and a followup biopsy reveals exactly what I was dealing with a year before.

Seriously! Did I just blink and lose a year?? Apparently so. I'm one year older, still no baby, and back in a pre-cancerous state all because I have no control over wait times? This is just such bullshit!

So, now I'm waiting for the oncologist's office to open so that I can get an appointment set up with him. The ob/gyn said she talked with him already and that she is working up a letter to send to him so that he can get me in again, but screw waiting. I'm going to call and set up an appointment myself. I just saw him a year ago and I should still be on his patient list.

I guess the one positive to come out of all of this is that the ob/gyn said that the oncologist suggested that they send me to the IF clinic in the big city. I was going to ask for a referral there, but I'd heard of the ob/gyn being hesitant to send people... so I was a bit afraid but determined to ask when she called again. She brought it up and said that she thought that it was a great idea because there has to be something more that is going on and it needs to be figured out. She said that they might say that I shouldn't be getting pregnant at all, but good luck convincing me of that. Either way, she said that they will run their tests and do their thing and come up with a much better plan for me than she is capable of figuring out.

I'm good with that. The IF centre has the only RE in the province working there and they are the only place who does IVF. DH and I were discussing the possibility of IVF this morning after she called. He thinks that we can swing it. It should only be about $4500 and depending on what needs to be done and the drugs are between 2000 & 6000, but I am covered for up to $5000 on my drug plan, so there's that. He thinks that we can either bump up our mortgage, get a simple line of credit, or ask his parents for the money (they have too much money and are always looking for ways to spend it - as in, buy a $300 purse and then decide it's the wrong colour so give it away... but that's another story). So he thinks that we could make it happen.

I am, naturally, not as optimistic.

Right now I'm sitting in my living room, crying, while DH is downstairs watching tv. I got really quiet and he said "ok, going to watch tv now", and left. And I started bawling.

Why don't they get it? why?

And why is my life such a clusterfuck!?

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Just Outside

As I walked away from my car today, I noticed something...

The sign says "Reserved for New Parents and Maternity". As I walked away I noticed the metaphor that sat right in front of me. Just as my car is right beside but still not in the space, I am so close but so far away from that space as well.

It just seemed like the perfect metaphor for how I feel, so I had to take the picture.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Spotty spotty Bo botty

I stopped spotting. Finally! Everything that I've read on dr.internet says that it is not unusual to spot for a few days with implantation. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but I'm having a tough time.

I took an HPT this morning and got a BFN but it is only 10dpo (if I did ovulate) so I'll test again in a few days.

School has let out for Easter break. We don't go back until the 16th and it couldn't come at a better time. I'm exhausted emotionally and need a break.

Takes to my specialist yesterday. Apparently my results were sent by pathology for a second opinion because they can't decide how bad it is. Seriously, that's not me being pessimistic. Either it is simple hyperplasia still or it has progressed to complex. I knew it was a mistake to try to fix it without the D&C first! The dr wants to send me back to the oncologist. I'm going to demand a D&C before he does any drug treatment. I'm not screwing around with this anymore. They can't seem to figure out how I fix me so I guess j just have to tell them. If hey do the same regime that we did a year ago, we could potentially be on a tracked cycle of clomid by July.-

I'm just so annoyed, angry, and frustrated right now!

Sunday, 1 April 2012


Ok so if I trust my instincts that I ovulated on CD16 or 17, then I am 7 or 8 dpo. I never did get a positive opk and my temps are a mess this month - so who knows.

Anyway, today I started spotting. Very little spotting, dark brown and more watery than anything else. It's so slight that it only appears on the tp.

So either AF has decided to show up early and in a strange way, or I've got implantation spotting. God I hope it's the latter.

So frustrated and annoyed right now.