Sunday, 25 December 2011

I Survived

Well, Christmas is virtually over at the in-laws. It's after 11 pm. The parents in-law are asleep, the brother in-law and his wife left hours ago, hubby is playing his new video game. All is quiet.

And I survived!

All day I was a bit on edge but trying not to show it.

Originally, BIL and wife were supposed to show up around noon. They called and said it would be closer to 4. Then they called at 4 and said not until 5. They showed up at about 5:45. Then they wanted to open gifts first. Did I mention that the turkey was ready at about 5:00. Basically the whole supper was sitting there getting somewhat cold when they were wanting to open gifts. But we opened gifts.

Then supper. The wine bottle is pulled out. "who wants wine". BIL's wife states very loudly that she does... and I"m instantly relaxed. If she's drinking she's not pregnant. I know, I know, you're thinking "well, what if she just doesn't care, or know the dangers". She's a very sweet woman (how she ended up with him is beyond me), and she's a teacher who deals with kids who have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome everyday. She knows and I'm 100% positive she wouldn't risk even one drink if she was pregnant.

So, avoided that arrow... this time. We probably won't see them again until Easter (at the earliest) and hopefully by that time I'm back on the Clomid or pregnant already.

Tomorrow we head home (after hitting a couple of Boxing Day sales) to finish getting ready for my family Christmas. A bit more of an energetic and activity packed day - at least one where everyone isn't in a different room anyway. The possible pregnancy announcements have passed as I'm pretty sure my brother's wife is not expecting. She wants a third, but he says they are done. They just bought a new house and moved - now they have a bunch of reno to do. They aren't planning on getting pregnant - that doesn't mean she's not, but I doubt it. At least if she announced it she would understand why I would have a hard time being excited. She knows about my struggles and has dealt with numerous miscarriages in the past so gets the pain of IF. We're close, so I could at least hug her and then go and cry and she would understand... but I"m pretty sure that won't be an issue.

Merry Christmas to you all!

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Family Drama

Yes, it's Christmas, and yes that means family... in my family that means drama! Some real, some assumed.

My side of the family is all sorts of messed up. Sometimes they are great, sometimes they are... well... not. I'm not going to get into all the details here right now. It would take too long and I"m not the mood to relive it all right now. It's enough to say that the Christmas season has been rather messed up this year thanks to some less-than-thoughtful actions of certain family members. My mother, in particular, is not sympathetic or helpful on the TTC front at all. She makes a point of talking to me about having kids and I hear from her often "when you have kids", etc. When I try to talk to her about the medical issues or tests, she changes the topic - usually to talk about my niece or nephew. It hurts. It hurts especially since it took her two years to conceive me and she should get it. But that's a whole other story for another day. I have hubby agreeing at this point that if my mother says anything about babies or us having kids, I will leave the room and he will tell her how inappropriate it is given our problems TTC and my medical issues. He wants to just kick her out, but I don't want to ruin the entire day for everyone because of an issue that I have. But I digress....

Typically, time with my in-laws is fairly easy. They mostly keep to themselves. We stay at their place, maybe have a meal or two with them, and go about our own ways. Mostly it's because they both have very demanding jobs which require them to be on-call or out-of-town for the weekends, or all week leaving only the weekend for stuff around the house, etc. So they are busy. Except at Christmas when it's a bit bizarre.

Each Christmas we have spent with them involves a lot of sitting around, reading, not much else going on. My family is pretty social and we find stuff to do together - it probably helps that there are little kids on my side of the family which makes Christmas a bit different. But it's really mellow here.

The perceived (or real) drama here is with my brother-in-law. Put plainly, he's an ass! No better way to say it. He's the centre of his universe and nobody else knows anything or is capable of anything. I really hate spending time with him. He comes around for about three hours on Christmas Day each year - and sometimes we have to see him once or twice the rest of the year... thankfully it's never for a long time.

So here is my fear that always comes up around family gatherings with my in-laws. My brother-in-law is 36 and his wife is 40. They have no kids, but she has given the impression that she wants them - he on the other hand has not. I'm not close enough to my sister-in-law to ask her if they are TTC or not. I wouldn't dream of asking something like that - it's just too personal. And my mother-in-law is not one to pry, so she has no idea. So my fear is always that they are going to announce that they are expecting. Every family gathering, I have a horrible feeling that they are going to announce. Every time. It's probably ridiculous as I'm sure that my brother-in-law doesn't want children at all, but I worry none-the-less.

I should be happy for my sister-in-law if they are expecting. If she truly wants children, if she can get pregnant at 40, I should happy. Besides, it would be a new baby in the family which would be great. But in my head I have the "boo hoo, poor me" thing going on.

I know it's not right, but that's just where I am with it. I guess we'll find out tomorrow afternoon.

Friday, 23 December 2011

Massive Breakdown

Last night I had a complete break down. Sobbing hard for over an hour. Hyperventilating sobbing. Sobbing that got my husband freaking out and wanting to take me to the hospital because I wasn't stopping. Why??

I did something so stupid. I watched an episode of one of my favourite TV shows... an episode that I had heard from some friends would be bad for me. But I was determined that I had to watch it and thought that I had been in an ok place about all of this waiting and TTC crap so why not watch it.

It was an episode of How I Met Your Mother. If you aren't familiar with the show it is about a group of friends in New York. One of the friends is a young woman who has made it clear that she does not want to be a parent... ever. So she has a one-night with one of the others on the show, and starts to think that she is pregnant. She isn't thrilled but starts to warm up to the idea of it. When she gets the test results that she's not, she's pretty happy about it. But a week later she gets called back to the doctor who tells her that she can never have children. The end of the show is her in her apartment with another friend who is telling her that she will never be alone and she breaks down (she hasn't told any of her friends about her inability to have children). Later the narrator says that "Robin never did become a mother, but she was a successful reporter and a world traveller, and she was never alone".

I finished the show and broke down completely. I started sobbing and hyperventilating.

It all just hit me at once. If I can't have kids I feel like I"m going to be a failure. I know how people talk about those women who can't have children. "oh, she was this and this and this and never had children". I don't know if I will be able to continue working as a teacher if I can't have children. I love my job but I'm not sure I can deal with other people's children all day and not have my own. I already feel like I"ve accomplished nothing important in my life. My main goal was to be a mother, and I seem to be failing miserably at that one. Everything else that I achieve is tarnished for me because I don't have children. My thoughts immediately became "she's just a teacher with no kids".

Don't get me wrong, I love my job right now. I really do. But let's be honest... some of the people I work with, some of my teaching colleagues, are not the brightest bulbs in the box. It has been my experience that it doesn't take a genius to get through teacher's college and become a teacher. Sure, some teachers are brilliant and amazing at what they do, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist or someone even incredibly dedicated to teach. I work with some people who are the perfect example of that.

I feel like I've failed myself and my husband. I was accepted to Harvard Law for god's sake, and I chose to give it up and become a teacher. And now I am wondering why I did that. Sure Harvard would have been a challenge financially but I'd probably be making half a million a year by now, living in New York, and living a fabulous life where I could pay any amount of money to get a baby. Instead I work with children who rarely appreciate what I do, many of whom are quick to tell me that they hate me on any given day. I work with parents who don't care if their children come to school or complete assignments. I work with teachers who couldn't be bothered to do their jobs properly, because nobody is watching their every move. All this and I don't even have my own kids to go home to. I feel like I have failed my husband. He wants children so badly and I am the reason why that hasn't happened for him.

SO I feel like a complete failure, and that for the next week I have to deal with the Christmas fallout of this. I have to deal with my mother's comments about children. I have to deal with my niece and nephew who I love dearly but who it pains me to be around. I have to deal with my brother and his wife who are so wrapped up in themselves, and who have known for the past month that I have been waiting on a cancer diagnosis but have not inquired once as to how I'm doing.

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I know that some of the moodiness has to do with the Provera. I'm three days from the end of it and I'm starting to feel the results emotionally rather than physically. The nightly headaches are making me crazy too!

So today I'm sitting here with giant bags under my eyes, puffiness, and a headache that makes me want to just live in a dark room. But I can't. I have to pack up and head to the city for Christmas with my husband's family. I have to finish my Christmas shopping today, and then spend another holiday season without a baby to hold.

I'm just sad.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Vacation and Excitement...

That's right... excitement. But not the good kind :(

Today was the last day of school. We had fun activities in the gym for all students who met the criteria (caught on all assignments, etc). One particular activity ended up involving the four teachers present. We had to put an Alka-Selzer in our mouths and then take a sip of 7-UP. Then you close your mouth and see how long you can hold it like that. I didn't take long to spit it out. I have a very shallow gag reflex, and then it started going up my nose. This wasn't the horrible part of the day though, and it was pretty funny. Especially when the winner of the teacher competition spit his mouthful out toward the audience of middle years students.

The teachers went out for drinks after work (a bit of Christmas cheer). I actually had two drinks. I haven't drank in about a year (what with TTC); I don't generally need alcohol to celebrate anything, but given that TTC is off the table for a few months I thought, what the heck!

After drinks and supper, back to the school hubby and I went. The students were having their winter formal dance tonight and we were to be supervising them. We got back about an hour before the dance started, so there was still set up. Hubby went to work in his classroom for a bit and I sat in the staff room and bitched with the VP and another teacher.

About half an hour later, hubby walks in - looking like death warmed over. He was pale, sweating, and hunched over. He collapsed on the couch. He had been puking suddenly and was in severe pain. He figured kidney stones. Lovely. He took some Tylenol and tried to sleep on the couch.

Just before the dance started, he came to me and said "you have to get me to an ER... quickly". He said that the pain was getting worse and (TMI time), he was unable to pee. Naturally, because she is awesome, my VP said "go go, don't worry about the dance, we've got it", and we took off.

By the time we got to the nearest hospital with an ER (about 45 minutes away), the pain had mostly disappeared. They took some urine, and discovered that yeah - blood in his urine... definitely kidney stones. Even though the pain had passed and they thought that the stone had probably dropped to his bladder, they gave him some pills to ease any further pain, and some painkillers too. He has to take the first pills for seven days, so that should stop a recurrence - at least over the holidays. He is being booked in for an ultrasound for next week to see if there are more stones forming and if he needs to go to a specialist. He has a history of stones and has never been refered to a nephrologist to have it checked.

The good thing was that the hospital we went to is a small town hospital with a 24 hour ER. Everyone at the school was saying to go there - it was closest and open, and we actually got attended to immediately upon walking in. They took his info and history immediately and the nurse and doctor checked him over less than five minutes later. The whole time in the hospital was less than 45 minutes.

I must say that it is times like this that I am reminded of how amazing our health care system is. We walked into an ER. My hubby didn't have his wallet (so no ID). They took his info, looked him up in the provincial system, and that was it. They treated him, gave him an initial dose of drugs, did a urine test, and a full checkover... and it cost us NOTHING! No payment, no nothing. The ultrasound and any followup with a specialist will cost nothing! I can't imagine the people who would be faced with this kind of pain and have to choose to stay home because they have no coverage! It's crazy! There are a lot of things that annoy me about the province I live in, but the health system is one thing that I'm eternally grateful for.

So, we're home. Apparently the dance went great. I'm sorry I missed it, but I'm glad that hubby is feeling better. He is sleeping soundly and I think that I'm going to go too. I'm so tired that I'm tired right down to my fingertips... ever been that tired? I might sleep right through morning tomorrow... and why shouldn't I? I'm on vacation!

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

A Conversation... years in the making

The other day on Facebook I got a note from my cousin asking for my phone number. It was an odd request. I've never had a relationship with my cousin. But we have talked on FB and so I sent it to her. Tonight my phone rings and sure enough, it's her.

A bit of background...

My cousin is the youngest daughter of my father's oldest brother... got all that? Well, my father and his brother had a falling out about forty years ago and until recently didn't talk. I mean they could see each other in the mall and walk right past and not say a word. They hated each other. For that reason, we grew up not really knowing each other. It sucks too, because the more I get to know her, the more I think we could have been great friends. She is six years older than me and the closest girl in age (I'm surrounded by boys in age). My father waited until he was nearly 40 to get married and start having kids (as did one of his other brothers) so there are about six of us who are much younger than the rest of the family. My oldest cousin is 55. My youngest is 31 - big age difference. Anyway, I've never had much to do with this part of the family. About three years ago, I happened to notice my cousin on FB (through another relative), so I added her. We started talking - small comments at first, but eventually having conversations. When I got married I dropped her a message telling her that if she was in the city she should come. She was thrilled - came and had a good time.

Since then we've talked on FB a lot. When she called tonight it was an easy conversation - no awkwardness at all... which is nice. It turns that we have a lot more in common that I would have ever guessed. She has been TTC for about the same amount of time that I have... but she's been at a fertility clinic the whole time. She's frustrated with all the family crap - although my family crap is minor compared to hers. She doesn't even talk to one brother, and the other two have all but disowned her for still talking to her father.

We had a great conversation about all the family crap - and the gossip of her 82 year old father moving his 60 year old girlfriend into the house he shared with her mother before her death. Anyway, we talked about my cousin's partner who is in Afghanistan right now... I pray that he is safe. We talked about her job and my job (me being a teacher and her a social worker, we tend to experience some of the same crap). Plus, the issues of TTC and adoption (they just got on the list officially).

It felt like talking to an old friend. We talked for over two hours, and I honestly think that if I called her tomorrow the same thing would happen. It's like we have 35 years to catch up on, and neither of us wants to hang up. It is nice to have someone that gets it all - the crazy family, the job, the TTC issues, all of it. It just felt so easy.

She said that she was talking to her sister and said that she was going to call me because she was tired of not having a real relationship with her family... good for her. I'm glad that she took the first step. I probably wouldn't have.

On a bit of a funny, and slightly disgusting note... my husband has been complaining about how much his stomach is bugging him tonight. He ate chicken wings for supper. He just came into the room, looking green, and said "I really wish that my mouth and my stomach would come to some sort of agreement on chicken wings". I nearly peed myself laughing.

Finally... I just need to say... this is my 100th post! yay me!

Thursday, 15 December 2011

No Tears... Amazing!

A bit of background - I think I've mentioned this before - last year, a girl at my school found out she was pregnant. She was in grade 10. She had the baby in late September. She didn't come back to school this year, because, well, she needs to take care of him. She's actually meant to be a mommy in my opinion. She's incredibly sweet and she's basically been caring for her siblings since her mother walked out when she was five.

Anyway, yesterday, she showed up at school with baby in tow. I saw her down the hall with the carseat, and I paused for a second. I turned and went back to my classroom, thinking "can I handle this". Typically even seeing a baby lately sets me off into tears (tough for Xmas shopping let me tell you). But I got back to my room and amazingly no tears, not even a twinge. In fact, I wanted to see the baby. I was shocked with myself!

Soooo, I left my room and walked back to where she was standing talking to a couple of other students. One of my grade 9s had the baby, so I said to her "ok, you're done, give him up". The girl didn't want to, but the mother said "didn't you hear her, give him to her!!". So I took the baby. As soon as I got him in my arm, he started cooing and sliming me up. Seriously, totally slobbery. I started talking to him and he started smiling at me. He was SOOOO cute!!

I held him for about five minutes, and loved every minute of it. I didn't even get mad when another teacher came by and said "look out, that's contagious". I laughed and said "I'll take my chances" while a third teacher said "ah, but it's a good thing to catch". I handed him back and didn't feel sad at all by the whole experience.

I expected that when I was driving home, alone today as my hubby was away from work, that I would be sad and end up in tears... but I didn't.

Not sure why this didn't bug me. Another Christmas season is here and no baby in sight. I was sure that I would at least be pregnant by this time. Now, we're looking at not even having a baby by next Christmas. Best case scenario, I'm pregnant by then, but that's it. I fully expect Christmas to be tough - I've been a total grinch this holiday season because of it...

but that baby... he made me smile.

Monday, 12 December 2011

Survey Says...

Took at a look at my phone today just prior to last break and discovered a phone number that looked suspiciously like it might have come from my doctor's office. I waited until the day was over and called my house to see if anyone left a message... sure enough, Dr. B's office had called me.

I called them back and was put on hold, only to have Dr. B come back on the phone. She said she had my biopsy results back...

Simple Hyperplasia without Aytpia.

I was nearly speechless. I responded with "NO atypia?" She assured me that there was no atypia. I was pretty much ecstatic at this!

I remember very clearly a year ago when I got a similar call from her to tell me that I had the worst kind of hyperplasia, and this time she's telling me that I have the best kind. If you had to choose a hyperplasia (which I don't recommend) this would be the type that you would want to choose.

So I asked her what we do next. She said that the last time I had the D&C but she would like to avoid surgery - which I'm fine with. She said that I so quickly responded to the meds last time that she wants me to start on medication asap and then in three months do another biopsy. My husband is going to pick up my prescription on Wednesday so I can start the Provera again. That should make for a great Christmas with the headaches, etc that I get with the Provera, not to mention that I should be right about at the point of horribly crampy bleeding right when we're moving my grandmother out of her house at New Years. Oh well. At least it isn't cancer right?

I told her that in my expert medical opinion (this made her giggle a bit, I haven't been cycling without medication - the provera made me have a period, and the clomid did, but off of those, I was simply spotting which would lead to buildup. She said she agreed absolutely.

I specifically asked if I could start the Clomid as soon as we had a clear biopsy. She said absolutely, there was no reason to wait. So this is the plan of action...

On Wednesday night I start the Provera. I take it for three months and in March have a biopsy (scheduled for March 14th). When the biopsy (hopefully) comes back clear, I start the Clomid and follicle tracking on the next cycle. So if everything goes as Dr. B and I expect, I should be able to start Clomid with my April cycle.

Fingers crossed.

I'm sad that I have to wait for a few more months, but I am trying to remain positive about the idea that it's not cancer, it's not even pre-cancerous, and this type of hyperplasia has an 80% chance of clearing up on it's own (and I"m going to help it along with the drugs). So, I'm trying to not get too worried about it. Sad I have to wait, but glad that it's not a worse outcome.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Clumsy, thy name is peg

Yeah, so in my last post I mentioned that I wore ratty runners to work on Friday. I didn't have much of a choice. My foot was so swollen up that none of my shoes fit right... except the ratty runners.

On Wednesday,I was carrying a TV down the steps outside our house. Why a TV you ask? Good question! We were putting on a drama production at my school and needed a TV for two of the plays. I have an 11 inch tube TV that has been sitting in my linen closet for the last 5 years... that's right, you heard me, 11 inches. I got it in 1994 for a Christmas gift in Grade 12 because I was moving out the next fall and NEEDED a TV.

Anyway, I'm clumsy. I often joke that I could fall down in bare feet on a flat floor... that's how clumsy I am - and I have before. I often lose my balance just standing. Years of ear infections have fucked me up! But I digress.

I was slowly taking the stairs, knowing that it might be a little dangerous, with the ice and the dark and not being able to see properly. I got to the bottom step and thought - YES! homefree! And then it happened....

As my left foot touched the bottom step, over it went. I flipped my ankle. Now, keep in mind that I was walking downward at the time and my other foot was basically off of the previous step, so my entire weight went down onto my turned ankle. The TV went flying and I screamed.

I hadn't felt pain like that for years! I have sprained my ankles lots in the past - I wore ankle braces for sports in highschool when they weren't a commonplace thing. But this, well this hurt worse than any sprain I ever remember (and I have been on crutches four times before for sprained ankles).

So, I spent Wednesday at work with my foot up on a chair, and an ice pack on it. All day! Wednesday night at drama practice I sat with my foot up too. No helping with walk-throughs for me. It hurt to put any weight on it at all, and even wiggling my toes resulted in a horrifying amount of pain!

Thursday wasn't as bad - it hurt, but I could put some pressure on it. I just couldn't bend it with excruciating pain shooting up my leg. I had crutches that I picked up from my parents place, but apparently in the moving (my parents moved two years ago), my dad lost the rubber tips off the end. I guess he needed the extra inch of space in a truck or something :S So the plastic ends were dangerous and I figured better to without them than have the crutches slip out from under me. So I spent a lot of time on my feet moving very slowly, as Thursday was our drama production (which went wonderfully by the way).

Friday the pain was still there but I could at least walk on it fairly well. It still hurt to bend it, but I could put a lot of weight on it. I got some rubber tips for the crutches so used them - it was easier to walk when I didn't have to worry about putting weight on it. And it hurt less at the end of the day.

Yesterday I basically sat on my ass and did nothing. I crawled down the stairs at 10 am and stayed there until I went to bed at 2 am! Today the pain is mostly gone unless I try to bend it much or touch it. The swelling is mostly gone, and there is only a bit of bruising. I can walk on it with only a slight limp, but here's the kicker...

It keeps clicking when I walk. I googled this and what I found is that I most likely have torn some ligaments. I should mention that I didn't NOT go to the doctor. I know I probably should have, but I live about an hour from any xray and in my past experience, a sprain is met with "Ice and rest". So why bother driving and trying to fit in a trip to the doctor and waiting 2 hours (at least) to see someone when I know what a sprain is and know how to deal with it. Besides, if it's still clicking in a few days I'll go. They need to do an MRI to diagnose torn ligaments and I'm not sure there is much they can do to fix those anyway. An MRI in this province is about a six month wait, so I figure that I"m not really messing up too much waiting another week.

So for now, I sit with my leg up and do nothing... too bad my house doesn't realize that I'm injured and clean itself for Christmas.

Saturday, 10 December 2011


Yes, this post is about pants.

I want to write more about the TTC journey, but right now I just don't have much to say and I'm getting depressed over the whole wait, and Christmas, and work, and life in general. Not having any sort of medication in this cycle, I fear I'm looking at a 50+ day cycle again (currently on CD 32 with no signs of AF in sight) and that makes me sad. I feel kinda abandoned by my medical people and my family doesn't want to hear a word of any of it... go figure. I've been living in a sort of purgatory, or limbo, where I don't discuss it but I know it's still there... just waiting for the phone to ring and shatter everything!

So for this post, so I don't end this post in a puddle of tears, I'm going to talk about pants!

Why pants? Because they have turned into quite the source of contention at my workplace.

Earlier this year, my administrator said that we could do casual Fridays, but no jeans. What the hell is the point? Many of us said that... so then he kind of backtracked and said "well, as long as they look professional". So, since the start of the year I've been wearing my very dark denim jeans on Fridays. I pair them with a nice shirt and nice shoes (except this week when I wore my old runners, but that's another story for another time). My MIL works in a government office and wears jeans all the time to work, and I know that I look professional.

So, I guess one of my colleagues got in trouble for wearing blue jeans early in the year, so now the questions are being thrown around... can we wear them? My admin sent out another email saying "jeans are fine, but not blue jeans, and as long as they aren't worn out". I continued to wear my dark denim.

Now, I'm not trying to be a bitch on purpose here, but I don't consider dark denim to be blue jeans. Besides, I look around at what other people are wearing and this is what I see yesterday...

One woman was wearing light grey, faded jeans with a t-shirt

One woman was wearing a track suit (which by the way made that awful noise every time she walked. I have nothing against big people, I am one, but we should not wear cordouroy or track suit pants... the sound is gross)

Two women were wearing stretchy yoga pants which show off EVERYTHING!

Two men were wearing flimsy shorts (yes, that's right, shorts in Canada, in winter) and I'm not talking dress shorts, I'm talking work-out type shorts... the really shiny kinds, the kind that looks like jersey material.

And someone is going to have the nerve to tell me "you're wearing blue jeans"?

Now, I must admit that my admin has seen me every week wearing the dark denim and has said nothing... which is good, because I'm ready for a fight. I'm sorry, but if we are to look professional, your pants shouldn't be so tight that I can tell whether or not you wax. It's just not right. Add onto that that we work with pubescent boys and it's a whole other problem.

I'm just a little frustrated. My husband was told he couldn't wear his $90 designer shirt because it is wrinkled (it's pre-wrinkled, it's supposed to be that way), and it's a NICE shirt... but it's not professional enough. And yet, on any day of the week, women are walking around in yoga pants (that's right, not just Fridays people, but any day), and men are wearing shorts and tshirts.

Oh the horrors!!

Won't somebody please think of the children... and my eyes!!

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Bad but not horrific

So a bit of an update:

I went in on Monday and had my biopsy done. That was so very fun :S I sat all day getting myself worked up about it and how much it would hurt. This is biopsy number 4, so I'm kinda getting to be a pro at it and figure that I know what to expect by now. My appointment was at 3:45.

I got to the office at 3:30 and sat and waited... and waited... and waited.... you get the picture.

It was SOOOO hot in there. Good lord, given that pregnant women are already a furnace, is it necessary to crank the heat that much? AND, the only seat available was across from the baby wall of fame. I was seated between two pregnant women and near a woman with a newborn... pure torture. Why can't offices such as this have a separate waiting area for those of us dealing with infertility.

I tried very hard to think of those women as positives... as my husband put it, they are "walking advertisements for the doctor's success". uh-huh. I figure that since in our province, the average woman doesn't see an OB/GYN for pregnancy (just goes to her GP), that anyone seeing Dr. B must be either a former infertile, or having a difficult pregnancy. I convinced myself of this to stop all the self-loathing and bits of hatred that I was feeling toward those women. I know that I shouldn't feel it, but I do - perhaps hatred is the wrong word... jealousy definitely.

So, after getting myself all worked up, sitting in a hot room, and dealing with the stress of the other clientele, I was feeling my blood pressure rising. To top it off, I took some Ponstan (Mefinamic Acid) to help with the pain. It's a painkiller that I was given years ago for cramps when no amount of Tylenol would work and we discovered my allergy to Advil. I ran out years ago - basically when I went off the pill, the cramping stopped. But, a close friend of mine has a prescription for it because she has endometriosis quite badly. She gladly gave me half a bottle. I don't like to share medication, but I made an exception at this point, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get back to my GP before going for the appointment.

So, I had taken 2 capsules before my appointment. I should mention that these also tend to increase blood pressure in most people for some reason. At 4:30, I am called in and the nurse wants to take my blood pressure. I warned her it would be bad. I told her that usually I am well within normal range, but the heat, stress, and meds have made it rise. She took it and wouldn't even tell me what it said - just said "It's not good". Then she had me lay down and put a cool cloth on my forehead and neck to help cool me down and relax. She took my blood pressure a couple minutes later and it was still high.

I should mention too that I think the very process of taking the BP is enough to make mine rise. It hurts. It has always hurt. There are times I come out of it with bruises... seriously!

The second reading was still not good, but the doctor wanted to proceed and said I should be fine.

I must say that this was the quickest that I have ever had a biopsy. She was in and out in probably 3 minutes flat. The catheter went in quickly - it hurt like hell, but it went in quick. The biopsy itself sucked a LOT. And she took two samples, so just when I thought it was done, she went back for more. I nearly passed out at that one. Then it was over. I laid there for a couple of minutes, deep breathing. Then Dr. B helped me up and said that my results would be ready in a couple of weeks and she'd call me with them.

The nurse came in a couple minutes later to make sure I was ok - and asked me again before I left. They really are very nice there.

I was expecting horrible things afterward. I have always cramped horribly for two days after each one. I was ready to take Tuesday off of work. But, after about 10 minutes, I had no cramping at all. By the time I got to Costco to do some shopping, I was done cramping.. and had none after that at all. I spotted through until this morning, but that's it.

So, I guess it wasn't as completely horrifying as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong - the biopsy sucked! It really sucked! But at least there was no residual cramping. I just hope that's a good sign.

This may be the hardest two week wait ever! And, in the end, the worst result could be a lot more devastating than a negative pregnancy test.

Monday, 28 November 2011

I'm Blue... da-ba-di

You're welcome... to all of you who now have that song running through your head.

I've been avoiding the blogosphere. Honestly, it's tough to read about all of the people with IF blogs who are now pregnant or may be pregnant. Don't get me wrong - I'm so happy for them, and it really does help to restore some hope... but it's tough to read. When all I want is that and I can't seem to get it... it's tough. When I start reading blogs I end up in tears. When I think about writing my thoughts down, I end up in tears. When I write them (like right now), I end up in tears. It's too hard.

Most days are too hard. I've thought about just saying to hell with it all and end it. Yes, there I said it, I've thought about it. I've thought about who would care... I came up with very few people. I thought about how nothing would hurt anymore and how it would be easier than living like this. I thought about it. But I didn't do it... I'm not there yet.

That being said, I don't know what the next month will bring.

Today is my biopsy. After the painful hystereosonogram, Dr. B said she wants another biopsy. There are a few different possibilities:
1. everything comes back normal and the thick lining was just a result of months worth of non-ovulatory cycles.
2. I do have hyperplasia again, but it is the simplest, kindest kind, which won't be detrimental
3. I have the same hyperplasia as I did a year ago - and I'm left having lost a year and being right back to square one with the pre-cancer diagnosis
4. It comes back with cancerous cells present.

Naturally the first one would be the best. Part of me really does think this is the case. In the one month that I ovulated, I shed 16 mm of lining. What would happen if I ovulated every month. A normal cycle should allow me to shed all the lining that I need to... one would think. But until I am given something to make it happen, I can't be sure. Part of me wanted to take the damned clomid this month, just to see if it would fix the problem. To me that would be the simplest idea - but no, instead I get painful tests and stress of biopsies.

I honestly don't know what I'll do if it is number 4. That means a guaranteed hysterectomy and all my hopes for being a mother are gone. Adoption here is such a mess. There is no private adoption and public adoption for infants can take years. International adoption is a possibility, but it's so expensive. I don't get it... we have more than enough money to support a child, but we don't have enough to adopt one... there are thousands of kids without homes, but we can't afford to fix that for them... it's so frustrating.

I feel like such a loser and such a let down. I know that my husband loves me, but I feel like I let him down. I keep expecting him to say that he's done.. that he's going to find someone who CAN give him kids.

I'm just so sad.

And I don't want anymore painful tests.... I just don't.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Time for an Update

I've been avoiding writing this for a few days. Just not wanting to put it onto "paper" as it was - I guess.

This has been a rough week for me.

I had a good weekend last weekend - I spent all day Saturday with a really close friend. We used to spend all sorts of time together - we were each other's gym and diet pushers... and it worked great for us. Since I moved, it's been harder for us to get together. She has two girls (age 11 & 12) and both are pretty high maintenance, so it makes it hard to do much of anything. Well she called me last week to tell me that her girls and husband were going to be out of town on the weekend I should come over. So I made the trip to the big city and spent the night in her gorgeous new guest room. We went shopping, ate junk food, and stayed up until an ungodly hour watching movies. It was good therapy.

I was proud of myself for one thing. I never stand up for myself with friends. If they say something that bothers me I usually just let it go. With acquaintances or strangers or coworkers, I have no problem, but friends I usually just stew in the anger but say nothing. Well, we were talking about the option of adoption. She said that really, when she thinks back, pregnancy wasn't that good and that it's not really worth it... in the end what you want is the kid not the pregnancy. I was a bit hurt by this - she knows how hard the TTC journey has been on me. I simply said "please don't be offended by this, but you can't possibly know how hurtful that statement is to me. It's very easy for you to say that pregnancy isn't a big deal - you had yours. I've been trying for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant, so hearing that it's no big deal and not worth it is really hurtful". She apologized and said that she didn't mean it that way (which I already knew, but I'm tired of hearing it). She did say that she understood though that she can't truly get what I'm going through.

That brings me to Monday. I had the hystereosonogram on Monday. I got there a bit early and they called me in right away. The OB/Gyn was there already and raring to get going on it. They got me all set up and then the GYN informs me that her whole tub of tools was left in the car all night, so the speculum is going to be a bit cold ... but "I'll warm it under some water first". She put it in and asked if it was ok. My response "if a cold speculum was the worst you were going to do to me today, I'd be fine". She laughed. Then the pain came. It wasn't horrific. It wasn't as bad as the biopsies or HSG was. It hurt at the time - the catheter and tenaculum (sp) were particuarly bad... and she was having a problem getting the cath to stay in place.

The radiologist came in to read the pictures and he said that the cath was fine, but that since my uterus is "generous", she needed to get another vial of saline. More of the saline came out than went in - because of the angle I was laying at, it was running up my back. All sorts of fun.

The bottom line was that on CD 6 (Monday), my lining was 11 mm. Definitely better than the 27mm that it was 10 days before that, but after the hellish AF that I experienced (we're talking switching out a super-plus tampon every half hour ... and backing it up with a thick pad), I was convinced that it would be down to normal. Well, the radiologist said that he saw nothing abnormal, just thick lining.

So, the verdict is that I get to go back to the OB/GYN for a biopsy in about 10 days. She wants me near the end of my cycle so that it is thickened up again. Another fucking biopsy! Seriously - I don't know how much more of this I can take.

On the upside, I got to go shopping for a couple of new shirts... didn't really have a choice. Remember how I said that the saline was running up my back. Well, it soaked the entire back of my shirt... and that saline... well it flushed out all sorts of extras from my uterus, so my shirt wasn't just soaked in saline... it's a good thing that I was wearing black. It was a hell of a mess - there was even a giant puddle on the floor under the table. ridiculous!

Also, my friend that I saw on the weekend - she deals with really bad endometriosis and has some pills she was given for the pain. Normally I don't share medication, but I was on the same pills a few years back for the horrible cramps that I had... so I'd taken them before (lots). She said she rarely needs them now (she's in the midst of menopause), so she gave me about 30 of them. I took them before and after the hysterosonogram, and that might have helped a bit.

Anyway, that's my update. The OB/GYN is pretty sure that the hyperplasia is back. My best hope is that it's simple and typical, not the complex with atypia as I had before. She sounds like she wants to possibly perform another D&C if it is... which I'm fine with... so we'll see.

You know, I was desperately hoping that I would pregnancy news to share with the family at Christmas - now I'm desperately hoping that I don't have cancer...

Sometimes life fucking sucks!

Friday, 11 November 2011

Decisions, decisions

Yesterday and today have been painful to say the least. It's reminding me of the way that I was feeling a year ago when the hyperplasia was in full swing. I will warn you now that some of the next couple of paragraphs may fall under the "too much information" category... read at your own risk.

By yesterday morning, my flow was very heavy. I had a great day of walking gingerly down to the washroom every hour or so as I felt a large clot trying to pass. I learned the hard way last year that if I move too fast at this point, I better have a change of clothes handy. So yesterday I was in a great amount of pain... LOTS of heavy cramping to accompany the heavy flow and large clots. I was up every 20 minutes last night for a few hours because of it. So frustrating.

Today was pretty bad this morning. Basically we're talking a flow that is heavy enough to fill a super-plus tampon and a backup heavy flow (overnight) pad in about an hour. That may sound bad, but given that last year at this time, I was having to change out every 20 minutes... 1-2 hours doesn't sound too bad. By this afternoon the cramps had subsided, so that's good. I even got a bit of a nap. The worst was that I couldn't find my hot water bottle, so at a point when heat would have really helped, I had none. My cat must have sensed that I needed help, because he climbed under the blankets and wiggled his way onto my stomach where he laid and purred the whole naptime.

So, right now, I'm not doing too badly in that area. The cramping is gone and I think that the flow is starting to lighten up a bit... I hope.

Tomorrow I"m off to spend the rest of the weekend with one of my closest friends who I haven't seen in nearly two months. Her husband and kids are going away for the weekend, so we're doing a girls' night.

Emotionally I'm doing a bit better. Still freaking out about the hysterosonogram, but I guess if I could get through the biopsies and HSG, I can survive this one too. Of course I'll survive, it's all in how much pain I'll have. I'm a total wimp. Of course women go through worse pain everyday, but for me, this completely sucks! I keep hearing, well it could be worse, or childbirth is worse, etc... but you know what.... for me this is shitty! I don't care how much worse it could be, the fact is that I'm going through this now. Right now, this is the worst that it could be. Right now, I have to deal with THIS! And it's not fair. It's not fair at all! Yes, I'm pouting a bit over all of this.

I think that hubby and I came to a decision today... no, not think, I know we did. After a lot of talking and soul-searching, we sent an email to the provincial adoption organization to find out what the first steps are to get our names on the list for a domestic adoption. We'd be willing to do international, but we're a bit financially disadvantaged to do that. Don't get me wrong... we are financially stable and can easily afford to raise a child or three, but to afford the costs of an international adoption? Not for a few more years. In the meantime, we can get all the paperwork and interviews, etc done for domestic adoption, and maybe, just maybe, a teenager gets knocked up and chooses us for her baby's parents. The bonus... there is no cost other than things like medical paperwork, criminal record checks, etc. I figured out the approximate costs for us, and it should be less than $200 to complete all of that.

So I sent the email and we'll see what the next steps are. Until today I honestly never felt really ready to take this step... I'm rather at peace with it now.

This whole medical issue resurfacing has really made me evaluate what I want... and while I desperately want to be pregnant, I want to be a parent more.

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

An Insult, an injury, and a slap in the face!

So, I woke up this morning and had a low temp (36.09) which is not a good thing. I figured after yesterday's cramping, this was not going to be a good day. I was right!

Before I could take the HPT, I discovered that AF showed up during the night. So yeah, not pregnant. That was bad enough.

This morning, I snuck out of my class to make a call to the OB/GYN to arrange my next follicle tracking ultrasound. They were supposed to call me back with a date/time, so when the call came in, I wasn't concerned. I should have been.

On the line wasn't my OB/GYN's receptionist... it was the OB/GYN, Dr. B.

Dr. B said that she called because she had just gotten the ultrasound back from my post-ovulation ultrasound. She said that there seemed to be some problem with the lining. It was way too thick and she wanted to know if I ever got a follow-up biopsy since the one that I got back in May. I told her I hadn't, since Dr. A (the oncologist) told me to call him for one in November. She said that the results from the ultrasound showed thickened lining and irregularities. And she said that she recently got the results of the HSG in which the radiologist apparently stated that there were irregularlities in the lining. They thought that these might be post-operative changes after the D&C, but there was also discussion of them being polyps.

So Dr. B gave me the bad news... she needs to do ANOTHER test. I am scheduled for a hysterosonogram on Monday morning. Apparently this procedure involves a catheter being inserted into the cervix, through which she inserts saline solution to expand the uterus. Then they do a trans-vaginal ultrasound to determine any abnormalities in the uterine lining/wall.

Following that, Dr. B said she may want to do another biopsy. And if there are polyps, then I will need surgery to remove them. Of course, they might come back precancerous, or cancerous. If they are cancerous, then the only option is a hysterectomy. I'm so not ready for that.

I was hoping that at Christmas, I would be able to announce to the family that we would be adding to it. Now, it seems that there is a possibility that I might be recovering from a hysterectomy and dealing with the emotional side-effects of that. I really don't know if I can handle that.

I'm really struggling with all of this...

I don't know if I can handle the pain of anything else. Every test seems to be more and more painful. I nearly passed out at the HSG, and was in shock afterward. I don't know if I can handle the pain of another test. I'm sure that I can't handle another biopsy. I know that I won't be able to handle a hysterectomy... I might end up in a psych ward for that one... no joke.

I broke down twice in classes today. During my grade 5 English class I ran out of the room and into the bathroom where I sat for 5 minutes hyperventilating and bawling. Along the way I ran into one of my colleagues and later I went to apologize for my emotional state. She said something that complete triggered the tears again, and then she gave me a big hug and just sat there and listened while I cried and spilled my guts. It was kinda nice to get it off my chest to someone there... She is having her own issues with fertility and while she's not trying to conceive, she shared some concerns she has about when she does want to conceive in a few years.

I cried most of the way home, and I really feel empty today. I have nasty cramps like I haven't had in years - and since I now have a wonderful allergy to ibuprofin, nothing seems to help them. It's a nice reminder of all the crap that I have to look forward to.

How the hell am I going to get through all of this??

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Optimism? yeah, it just left with Elvis.

I'm thinking that this cycle may be a bust. All day I've been having a weird, full cramping feeling in my uterus. Sure, it could be pregnancy, but it's likelier that it's AF showing up. I discovered something very strange today too - EWCM. Never had that in the second half of my cycle before... but then again, I'm not sure I've ever had an ovulatory cycle since jr. high. So who knows what that means. All my research has told me that it could be a sign of early pregnancy as the body starts to form the mucous plug, or it could be a sign that AF is about to show up...

Why are so many early pregnancy signs also a sign of AF? It's ridiculous and not fair. I wish I could be that person who just happened to get pregnant and figured out I was because, oops, I hadn't had a period in over 8 weeks. I can't imagine not realising that I missed a period. But I know that the IF has made me hypersensitive to everything that happens in my body, particularly in the reproductive area.

Anyway, I'll do another HPT tomorrow and hopefully get a BFP, but I"m not counting on it. Tomorrow will be 14 DPO, so I'm thinking if it isn't ++ tomorrow, it's probably not going to be.

My fingers are very lightly crossed... my optimism has pretty much left the building.

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Okay, I caved

I took an HPT today. I couldn't wait any longer. I am only 11 DPO, but with three days of consistently higher than high temps, and what looks like a triphasic chart to me, I had to do it.

The results: BFN

But I'm not concerned. I get that I'm only 11 DPO and the chances of it showing a positive this early is limited. The good thing is that at least I know that the HCG trigger is out of my system so any BFP that I might get in a few days is the real thing.

So, now I just have to sit back and not hyperfocus on the pregnancy thing for the next three days while I wait to test again.

I plan to test again on 14 DPO - which will be Wednesday. Hopefully that will give me some positive news!

On a completely unrelated note - woke up in a Winter Wonderland this morning - snow everywhere - it apparently snowed all night. I hate winter so much! Sure, it's pretty, but it's cold, wet, and makes driving hell! I honestly wish that we got snow on Christmas Eve and it went away on Boxing Day... but at least it waiting until November this time. That's something to be thankful for. So tomorrow will be an interesting trip to work - we never know what the highway will look like in the winter - if it doesn't snow more tonight, we'll hopefully be ok for driving... I hate winter!

Friday, 4 November 2011

Psychosomatic? Let's hope not...

So on Wednesday, around mid-afternoon I started to have a weird, almost warm, feeling in my stomach. Not my uterus, but my stomach. It was slightly nauseating, but nothing that made me run for a washroom. Yesterday, around 11:00, I had a wave of nausea flood over me. Again, nothing major, just that feeling of needing to evaluate whether I needed to be in a washroom or would it be fine. It went away as quickly as it came, and reappeared about five minutes later. I bought a puff-wheat cake at the school canteen and ate it slowly and I felt much better.

As much as I don't want to be hit with morning sickness, I would be fine if this was a result of pregnancy, and if this is as bad as it gets. I realise if it is sickness that it will get worse, but I really hope it's a sign of pregnancy. fingers crossed

Then, this morning, I woke up and took my BBT. I've been watching it like a hawk this cycle - hoping it is normal. It's been above the coverline for the entire time past ovulation. Today is 9 DPO. This morning's temp jumped about .2 degrees celcius from where it has been... 36.67. That's SOOO high for me. The highest temp I've had in the past 7 months of temping has been only 36.6. So, naturally I hope that it's the start of a triphasic chart happening.

There is just so much maybe with all of this that it's starting to make me mental. Every time I tell my husband what's going on, he thinks it's funny that the female body is so confusing. He told me yesterday that with everything that I've told him, he can't help but be excited that this time it's working.

I'm cautiously optimistic...

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Is it? Is it not?

All day I've had tight, full, crampy feelings in my uterus area. In one specific spot there have been little shooting pains - always in the same spot. It doesn't really hurt much. It is pretty mild compared to what I've gone through in the past. In fact, I have a toe that is hurting more because I stepped on something sharp last night. But that doesn't stop the fact that it's still there.

I am really hoping that this is the start of something good. The way I figure it, it could be one of two things:

1. Implantation
2. A short luteal phase and the precursor to AF

I'm really hoping for the first one as you can imagine! I was reading another blog out where the writer stated that they had this type of feeling starting about a week before their BFP. I'm at 6dpo, so I'm hoping that's what's going on here.

I really don't know how I'm going to deal with it if I get a BFN this cycle. It's been so long and we've already been through so much. At this point, everything is set up perfectly and it's all on nature... I just hope Mother Nature has stopped hating me so much! Hubby and I had a conversation tonight about what he is to do if I do get a BFN. He's convinced that even if it's negative, it's still a good sign, because it made everything except pregnancy happen. He's right, of course, but I told him that that's not what I am going to want to hear. Even though I will know that it's true intellectually, emotionally I just want him to hug me while I cry it out. Luckily he is amazing and said "ok, you want me to sit there and just shut the f--- up ... I can do that".

Hopefully we won't have to deal with that, but at least if we do, we've laid the groundwork for the communication and support side of it.

Weird Coverlines

I've been using Taking Charge of Your Fertility primarily to chart my BBT. I have been charting using that since January and never had a normal looking cycle until now. Go figure! Apparently when you don't ovulate, you don't have a normal cycle... who knew haha.

So, this month, with the Clomid, my cycle actually looks mostly normal. The pre-fertile part of my cycle jumps around a lot, but once I hit the fertile part of my cycle, it looks completely normal, and when that part was done it did a jump after ovulation and has stayed there for the past 6 days.

What was very strange was that my coverline in TCOYF was set at 36.53. This seemed odd for me. It seemed really high! My average temps are usually around 36.2, sometimes dropping as low as 35.6. Seriously, that low! I looked it up and if you have temps below 36.1, you are borderline hypothermic. Should I be worried... probably not.

However, with my temps typically this low, having a coverline that is so high is weird. The highest temp that I've tracked in the past 10 months has only been 36.6, so setting the coverline nearly that high seems odd.

A friend suggested that I try out fertilityfriend to see if it agreed. So I last night, I put my temps from this cycle into the fertilityfriend website. It came back saying that I definitely ovulated (something that TCOYF won't do) and that my coverline is 36.3. That seems more normal.

So, then this morning, TCOYF dropped my coverline to 36.42 - better, but still not great.

But, based on fertilityfriend, I have six temps above the coverline now and I am 6dpo. Now to just be patient for another 8 days.

Oh, it's going to be a long wait.

Friday, 28 October 2011

Yup, I was right.

I did ovulate.

I went for my follow-up ultrasound today and they said it was clear that I had ovulated - no follicle left. YAY!!! So at least that went the way it was supposed to.

Since the last ultrasound, I've had a nagging worry about my lining. Particularly when I asked the tech how it was and she said "fine, it looks good". So I asked again at the end of this test. The girl said it was 2.3 cm. HOLY SHIT! When I had to have the D&C it was 2.7. That really worries me. It is supposed to be between 6-10 mm and it is 23!!! I immediately freaked out about the hyperplasia returning and worried that if it was this might be our only chance, etc. I held it together til I got to the car, then I panicked and cried uncontrollably for 10 minutes!

I know that there is a good chance that this thickened lining is just the anovulatory cycles that have built up. Because I haven't been ovulating, my period is something more like four days of spotting, or VERY light bleeding. So I"m guessing that the lining hasn't been able to fully shed because my body hasn't told it to. There is a difference between that and pre-cancerous cells growing in there... but I still panicked. I also realise that if this cycle doesn't take and I'm not pregnant, that it's likely that my body will shed the lining in preparation of the next cycle. So not all is lost. The tech didn't seem concerned, but then she was 12!

If this cycle takes, great. If it doesn't and I don't have a normal period, then I will go back to the OB/GYN to make sure that I"m not in a situation of hyperplasia again. If I get a normal period, then I'll just go on with the next cycle without (too much) worry.

Right now I just want to curl up on the couch all weekend and watch a movie/read a book, but I can't. I have to take my volleyball team to the city for a big tournament in which they will get their asses handed to them. I love those girls, but, honestly, they aren't very good. They try hard, but they just aren't there. Oh well. I know they will have a great time - I'm just not feeling like being around people, and we are staying overnight - so sleeping on the floor of a hotel room while four giggly girls refused to sleep - not my idea of a good time. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

All Systems Go.

So, I was walking down the hall today at work and felt this massive stabbing pain in my ovarian region - left side. It must have been the moment of ovulation. I haven't had pains that localized or specific there before. I got home after work and took another OPK which was negative. My temp dropped this morning too. All signs point to ovulation - even the Taking Charge of Your Fertility software is telling me that I probably ovulated today.


Now let's just hope that that left tube was indeed just spasming and not blocked, and that some of hubby's swimmers are lurking around in the shadows waiting to pounce. LOL.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Smiley Face!

So I managed to get the HCG shot today. I had to drive to the town two towns over this morning to get it. My principal was awesome about it all. All I told him was that after the medical tests that I had on Monday, I had to go get an injection today, so could I skip out for an hour during my prep time. He said yes without so much of a hesitation. Thank god! Today he didn't even ask me anything about it... I feel kinda bad because I worry that maybe he thinks this is the cancer follow up after last year's scare, but right now it is keeping him from asking me too many questions. I still feel guilty about it though. Hopefully in a couple of months I can put all that to rest when I tell them about being pregnant... hopefully.

So, after a long evening of volleyball with my team, I went home and took an OPK. It came back with a big smiley face. After more than 18 months worth of ovulation predictors and fertility predictors all telling me that I was a failure, it was nice to see a smiley face! So, according to the OPK that means that I should ovulate within the next 24 hours. YAY!

Friday I get a follow-up ultrasound to see if I did ovulate, but I plan on continuing to take the OPKs until they come back negative now... just to make sure.

So, yeah, smiley face on the stick and smiley face on me!

Monday, 24 October 2011

One is all you need... right???

First follicle tracking ultrasound today. Got there with a sense of dread hanging over me...

what if there is nothing there? What if I waited so long for the last cycle and nothing happened this cycle? What if all the pangs and twinges that I've been feeling are psychosomatic.

Well, apparently there was nothing worry about because there is ONE good follicle. 18 mm. They said that the lining was "good" (whatever the hell that means - by the time I asked, she didn't remember the number). She said that there were several smaller follicles, but nothing worth noting, but that the 18 mm one looked good and I was advised to do the HCG trigger tomorrow.

So, I left happy but frustrated and sad at the same time. Part of me really wanted two or three follicles - hoping that more follicles meant a better chance, but I know, logically, it only takes one good follicle to release a good egg to become a baby. The biggest frustration is with my schedule right now.

I have to get the trigger shot tomorrow, but my doctors are all in the city over an hour away and I have to work tomorrow, AND there is no health centre where I work, AND I have volleyball after school so the chance of being able to do the shot seemed slim to none. I talked with the pharmacist about the idea of waiting until Wednesday to do the shot. Part of me thinks that it will be easier with my schedule, but also maybe give those other follicles a chance to catch up. He said it isn't a good idea because they usually suggest the shot based on a specific timeline and he wouldn't mess with that - but that I could call and ask my doctor or the radiologist... yeah, right, what's the chance of that happening!

So, I cried on and off all the way home.

I got home and I called the little 15 bed nursing home in the town near where I work. They said that they can't give the shot without an order from my doctor (who is on leave at the moment I believe, and even if she isn't, she's going to be pissed about having to write an order when she's already given the prescription and she's tough to get in contact with). OR they could put me in to see the doctor who travels through and I could explain my situation to him and he would write and order for one of the nurses to give me the shot. I reluctantly took that option. I called my boss and asked if it was ok if I skipped out during my prep period to do this. He didn't even hesitate - just said, "yep, just tell the secretary you're gone in case someone is looking for you." God, I love him! Anyway, I took the appointment, so at about 10:30 tomorrow morning I should be triggered. One healthy, good looking follicle being told tomorrow to get off it's lazy kiester and spit out an egg.

Fingers crossed that this works and that next July there is a baby to show for it.

Please please please let this work.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

The bitch is back

WARNING: This post contains copious quantities of bitchiness. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Yeah, I don't know if it was the Clomid, or just my personality coming through, or the lack of sleep, or the lack of caffeine throughout the day, but I was a total bitch... ALL DAY!!

I don't know why. I woke up late and the day went from there... straight downhill.

Last night, about 2 am, my husband grabbed his pillows and tucked me in, and I saw him walking out of the room. Apparently I was having a series of bad dreams or something because I was practically yelling in my dreams. That might explain why I was so tired!

Anyway, my day started out with the class that I"m not fond of. They need hand-holding to the greatest extent and it bugs me - I don't want to teach that age group. I try hard to stay positive with them, but then end up grumpy after my class is over :( Most of my classes went pretty well all day, but at breaks it was a bit of a mess. The majority of my coworkers are stressed and seem to need a break. How long til the next long weekend? Wait... we just had one! damn!

After school was a volleyball game. One of my players gave me attitude on the court, and then expected me to give her full playing time. When she didn't get it, she stormed out and decided that she didn't need to tell me that she was going home. She said that I was "harshing her positivity". Funny how the rest of the team had no problem with it. The guy we had reffing was all sorts of fun. He calls tough, which is ok, but then after each game he tells me what my girls did wrong... in detail. Today it was even that I wasn't sitting in the right place on the bench! COME ON!! We're a high school team - we're not the pros. Then he claims that he's just "educating". Well he can take his education and... oh never mind.

So I ended up coming home in a really pissy mood! I'm exhausted and need to sleep, but I have to be up and on the road by 7 tomorrow so that I can spend the day at a PD. Then Friday is a division wide PD day, and then Friday night another volleyball tournament, followed by all day Saturday at the same tournament. Long days.

The upside... on Sunday I'm going to a bridal show with one of my closest friends!! I'm so looking forward to this - focusing on someone's joy and happiness, and to get all excited about he wedding stuff. It should be a fun girl's day. This is a friend who is one of the only people I know in real life who truly understands the IF journey that I've been on. It's nice not having to keep things to myself or be secretive or worry about whether I can broach the subject with her - it's freeing.

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Let the Adventure Begin

At this point it's pretty clear that I wasn't ovulating for the past cycle. On Friday, what was CD 57 of the cycle, I had a bit of bleeding - more spotting really, but the OB/GYN was specific that any spotting was to be considered the first day of the cycle. Saturday there was light brown discharge and today the same thing. Not really a period, but whatever, I'll take it as the sign of a new cycle. I had a moment of terror as I thought - shit, I took Clomid today and what if the spotting on Friday was implanation bleeding from a (very) late ovulation. But I looked back at my charts and the chances are pretty much impossible that that's the case. I figure that I'm taking the whole situation as my period and moving on...

Today is the first pill of Clomid. I was trying to decide yesterday what time of day to take it. I read a ton of articles, none of which helped. Lots of people saying that they had side effects so they took it at night, but some saying that they found the side effects not so bad so took it in them morning. The one thing that every article and blog was consistent on was that it should be taken at the same time every day.

I'm horrible for remembering to take stuff at night. By the time I get home from work I'm basically a disaster and exhausted, so sometimes it's so bad that I get all cozy in bed and then remember that I didn't take out my contacts. :S So I figured that morning would be better for me. I have no idea what the side effects will bring of this medication - maybe I'll luck and get nothing, or maybe I'll be a mess - but I figure I don't know so I'm not going to plan for them.

So, this morning, I woke up at six, took my temp, and then took the pill. Then fell back to sleep until my husband's noises outside woke me at about 9:30. I might go take a nap later - I'm still tired.

So far I've only got a slight headache, but I had one yesterday and for five days before that and I hadn't taken any meds at that point... so I'm not attributing it to the Clomid. Tomorrow I will call to set up my follicle tracking ultrasound for CD11, since CD10 will be on a Sunday. I'm really hoping that my ovaries cooperate quickly with the drugs and that I need the trigger prior to the weekend of the 28/29th. The 28th would be CD15. Those two days I'm in the city with my volleyball team for a tournament and we're staying overnight, so it would be very difficult to do what needs to be done to get a baby made. I figure that some early morning planning could at least make the 28th a possibility, but I am kinda hoping that it's all finished by then and I don't have to schedule things quite so carefully. But I guess we'll see. When I have the US on the 24th it will hopefully give me some idea. I'm hoping that my ovaries respond quickly because they have been so lazy up to this point that a kick might get them going quickly...and honestly, I'm hoping they respond with a couple of good eggs.

Twins would just make things so much easier. Yeah, right, who says those words eh? Well, when dealing this the IF shit for this long, I would rather not have to deal with it for a second pregnancy. If we had twins, we could be happy with what we have and if we wanted to try again, it wouldn't seem like there was quite so much pressure. Besides, I've always wanted twins. Even if my ovaries don't cooperate with two eggs, we have a real chance of twins anyway - my husband's family has identicals running through it, so fingers crossed...

Anyone else have any weird side effects from the Clomid that I might be looking forward to? When did you notice them starting? I'm really worried about mood swings as I tend to have them anyway and I work with teens so it's a bit dangerous if they and I are both having mood swings. I'm a bit concerned that the 50 mg dose isn't going to do much for me, but I guess we have to start somewhere.

Friday, 14 October 2011

Knock, knock... who's there???

There was a knock on the door, guess who was there? That's right! Good ole' Aunt Flo. I normally hate that bitch, but I was happy to see her finally.

Today was CD 57, so I was wondering if she had died or something. But nope, just found out that she just arrived. FINALLY!!!

I had acupuncture last night. It was the last night with my acupuncturist who I LOVE for the next three months. She's on maternity leave until February 1. Yes, it's a special kind of strange to have your acupuncturist, who is treating you for fertility issues, getting bigger and bigger. She is so amazing though and never brought up the pregnancy unless I asked and never really made a big deal out of it. Even though she got married just a year ago and seems to have it all together, I never felt jealous of her and her pregnancy. I think it is because she's just so great that it's hard to feel that way - and she's trying to help me get pregnant which makes me feel better.

I did have a moment of self pity when I was waiting for my appointment. I was sitting in the treatment room with the door open, waiting, and the receptionist was talking with the other dr in the clinic (who happens to be the husband of my acupuncturist). They were talking about the birth plan, etc, and how excited he was. Then out of the next room comes the acupuncturist talking with another patient about the pregnancy. *sigh* A moment of self pity came over me, I was sad. But I managed to suck it up and move on. *sigh*

But we had a good session and she tried to fix this headache that I'm dealing with. The headache that can be likened to a knife being stabbed into my forehead - just in one specific spot. I had this problem when I was a teenager and had numerous CT scans and MRIs for it. Nobody could find anything. I wonder now if it has something to do with hormones...who knows.

So now that AF has shown up, I have to start the drugs on CD3, and book my follicle tracking ultrasound on Monday... that should be for CD10, but since that's a Sunday it will be on CD11 which will be fine. Hopefully it works to help me ovulate this next cycle. I would, of course, love it if the ovulation resulted in a pregnancy, but even just ovulating would be awesome at this point!

Fingers crossed!

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Pain AND Insomnia? Are you kidding me??

So, it's 11:00 pm here. I have to be awake at 5 am because I have a 7:15 volleyball practice with my team. If my math is working right here, I have 6 possible hours of sleep. That would be fine except that unless I get 9 hours I"m rather a zombie!

So, why am I still awake??

Fucking pain!! My back is killing me. It's not just pain that's located in one small place, it's completely generalized... aching and pain all over my lower back and into my sides. I've laid in bed for over an hour and no luck - I'm just tossing and turning - probably keeping my husband from having a really good sleep. It just hurts so much and I"m so tired!!

I got home really late last night, so didn't really get a good sleep last night either. Top that with the nightmares and stupid dreams that I've been having lately and I'm a mess... I'm a total headcase at work lately. I won't get a whole weekend off until November, and I don't have a week of normal work hours until November either - every week has stupid early mornings and stupid late nights :( Yes, I'm whiny... I'm tired... I'm in pain... I'm gonna whine :(

I took some drugs to try to get rid of the pain, nothing is kicking in yet. :(

Part of me thinks this might be AF on the way. When I was younger I used to get some nasty back cramps, and I have vague recollections of it feeling like this... wouldn't that be a kick in the teeth... AF makes me wait 56 days and then comes with a full force of back cramps? bitch!

Yeah, so on that front, nothing yet. I thought that there might have been some spotting, but upon further inspection I was hallucinating. How sad is it that I am now imagining seeing spotting? So pathetic in so many ways.

Well, Jim Parsons is nearly finished his interview on Craig Kilbourne, so I should try to go to sleep again. I might sleep just out of pure exhaustion. I really can't keep this all up. I might just collapse at work. Today I told my grade 7 English class that I was going to give them a class to nap and then have them write about their dreams.

Yes, I'm that exhausted :(

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

It is the cycle that never ends....

CD 54. Yep, you read that right... 54. not 44, not 34, but 54!!! Seriously, this isn't normal!!

About three days ago, I started to have EWCM again. Then on Sunday, a temp drop - about half a degree drop. This is common for me at two times in my cycle - the first when my body thinks it's about to ovulate. EWCM and a temp drop, then a temp spike the next day. The other time is the day prior to AF. Well, yesterday showed no AF, and a temp spike again. Today, back down to 36.04 and again, no AF. Looking back at the CM for the past 10 days, it looks like it was amping up for ovulation again. I never noticed this prior to today, because I was so focused on checking for AF. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I simply missed a cycle.

I was reading that it is common when you don't ovulate to just not have AF sometimes. The body knows that it has not ovulated and has little lining to shed, so doesn't bother trying. The problem is that my body didn't send me an email, a fax, or even a sticky note telling me that. So now, I wonder, is it possible that I just ovulated? If so, that would be another 14 days or so until AF would show up - or a BFP would possibly happen. Yes, I cornered my husband to make sure that if it is ovulation, we didn't miss it. I'm not overly optimistic though. I hope that I haven't been waiting for the last 54 days for this next cycle for nothing, but I probably have.

It just seems like more of a kick in the teeth, because I'm waiting to start the drugs to help the ovulation along. Each day I recalculate in my head when I would have to go for follicle tracking and what else I have going on that day that I might have to reschedule, and every night I dismiss all those thoughts. *sigh*

So, this is the cycle that never ends... it just goes on and on my friends... And it is driving me crazy!

Monday, 10 October 2011

Thankful thankful thankful

Today is Thanksgiving in Canada... I realised that I have been doing a lot of complaining on my blog and in real life about everything. Infertility has smacked me around for 29 months now, and sometimes it's all that I think about. Often it's all that I can think about. It influences everything that I do sometimes and it can influence my mood at any given moment. My life is so occupied with checking temps and CM and just the thoughts that come along with IF that I often find it hard to focus on the good things.

So, in honour of Thanksgiving, I give you a list of all the things that I'm thankful for today:

* my parents - my parents love me dearly and would do anything for me, and even though my mother often makes me crazy, I know she loves me. My father is an amazing man who I have learned so much from

* my husband - we haven't always had smooth sailing, but I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. It took a while for us to find each other, but I wouldn't have spent the last six years with anyone else, and I can't imagine going through this IF journey with anyone else by my side

* my brother/family - my brother is a great guy. He can be an ass sometimes, but he's usually amazing. His wife is one of my best friends and I would give my life for his kids. They make me thankful and remind me of how wonderful the world is when viewed through a child's eyes.

* my grandmother - my grandmother is a great woman. She's been through so much and has taught me so much. She's been so supportive through the whole journey and I think that the IF has bonded us (I found out that she went through more than 10 years of IF after having my mom).

* my friends - my friends are amazing. I don't have a huge circle of friends, but the ones I have are wonderful, amazing, strong people. They know when to tell me to suck it up, and they know when to cry with me. I couldnt' get through it all without them.

* my job - I have been to hell and back with my job. I am currently in a job that I love and even though it tires me out, I love going there every day. I have amazing bosses and my coworkers are phenomenal. The kids I work with renew my faith in teenagers and make me proud to know them on a daily basis. Plus, in a time when so many people are struggling to find work, I have a stable, guaranteed job for as long as I want it.

* my house - i am not homeless. I have a warm, safe home to live in. I don't have to worry about violence in my community. I don't have to worry about natural disasters destroying everything that I have worked for. I know that I have a warm place to lay my head each night.

* my pets - as much as they make me crazy some days (I should blog about my bad kitten some time) but they are always there with purrs and cuddles to make me smile if I'm having a bad day. They never judge and just want to love.

* my health - especially after the last year of the pre-cancer scare, and all the issues with the IF, I am very thankful that I have my health to the degree that I do. While I know, I definitely know, that IF is a health issue, when you take that away, I'm healthy otherwise and if I didn't want children so damned bad, I could live my life happily and healthily. For now, I'm thankful that I have the good health that I do and that I'm over the hyperplasia and didn't have to have a hysterectomy following the diagnosis.

* free healthcare - I know this is a weird one to add to a thankful list, but after all of the health issues and the tests and appointments that I've had surrounding the IF, I can't imagine how this would all play out for me if I had to pay for everything or worry about the cost of seeing a doctor or having a test done. Sure, our healthcare system in this province is not perfect, but I don't have to worry that money is going to come between me and getting the proper care that I need.

I know that often we forget to be thankful for what is really important - especially when we face the everyday reality that IF brings. I felt that I needed to make a list, particularly on Thanksgiving, to remind myself that I do have things to be thankful for and that not everything is horrible... yes, IF is overtaking my current reality, but it's not everything in my life. I just hope that next year, when I make a list, I can add pregnancy to that.

Saturday, 8 October 2011

PTSD?? Perhaps

I woke up last night in a cold sweat, and was hyperventilating. Why? Well I had had a horrible nightmare.

I dreamed that I went to work and got a note saying that I was no longer employed at my current school and that I was being transfered back to my old school. I went to the old school and two seconds after walking into the building I was called to the office where the principal proceeded to scream at me because I walked into the school wrong. I was so real and so clear!

You have to understand that by the middle of the year the year that I worked there, I would get called to the office about 3 times a day to be yelled at. It was ridiculous and quickly I got the union involved. I was just so horrible. I nearly threw myself in front of a bus just to get away from it (and I don't mean that in an exaggerated way - I was standing on the sidewalk and waiting for the bus to come down the street so that I could step in front of it).

After I got the transfer to my new school things changed. I love it there. It is the most amazing place to work! I love my boss and I love my students. The staff is amazing! As you saw in my last post, I sometimes have REALLY long weeks there, but I have never hated my job or myself while I'm there. I truly lucked out to get such an amazing job!

So where did that dream come from? Part of it might be that yesterday as the principal left my class he made a comment about how Buggs and Dafffy were his favourite cartoons when he was a kid (that comment fit into our discussion). I made a comment about how I didn't know that there were televisions when he was a kid. He laughed and asked where I worked. I told him "um, not here for long" lol. We both knew it was a joke and he razzed me about it later. But I think that my subconscious might have taken it seriously.

But then again... The other day at work, all of a sudden, I had a flashback to that horrible place and was sitting at my desk hyperventilating! I was instantly in tears and couldn't stop. I had to make myself walk down to the office just to reassure myself that it was a different place. It was horrible.

I wonder if it isn't post traumatic stress disorder? I know that I wasn't at war or that sort of thing, but it was an extremely abusive situation and it was horrific to me. Lately the thoughts and dreams are more vivid and I wonder if it's not that I"m finally feeling secure where I am so now the doubts are starting to rise. :( I have been contemplating calling one of the union counsellors to set up an appointment to see if I can't get to the bottom of it and try to heal from all of it... we'll see.

What a Week!

I tried to post this last night, but my internet hates me sometimes, so here it is today.

It has been a really long week for me.

Monday: We started early on Monday with a staff meeting, as we usually do. The day flew by and then I had a meeting after school. That was followed by a volleyball practice with my highschool girls’ team for two hours. It was a very good practice and I saw some definite improvements. After about two more hours of planning I got home around 9 pm. This would have been fine except that I was still exhausted from the Friday night partying :S

Tuesday: I was away from work all day Tuesday. I had to go to a training sessions. We are often sent to training and it was valuable except that I done the same training about four years ago while I was still student teaching, so it was a bit of a repeat. In order to make it to the session on time, I had to leave home before 7 am. We finished around 3:30 and quickly drove another hour in order to meet my volleyball team for a game. The girls played fairly well, but the officiating was shit and they lost several points due to poor calls. We lost all of our sets and they were definitely frustrated. By the time I got home from the game, it was around 9 pm. When I got home and checked my email, I discovered that two of my best players had been caught smoking during school hours and had been given a two-week suspension from volleyball. The vice principal was kind enough to start the suspension the next day so that I didn’t all of a sudden show up and not have my players at the last minute.

Wednesday: Wednesday was really a blur! The day flew by and after school I spend some time with one of our new teachers walking her through some forms and planning. All of a sudden I realised that I had pushed the time to the last minute and I had to boot it to get to the city. Wednesday was the day of my monthly book club meeting. I met one of my closest friends for supper and then off to book club we went. Lucky us, the store that usually hosts us had dropped the club completely and didn’t tell the regulars about it! So we all got stubborn and decided that we would keep doing the club ourselves. Hopefully they will get the hint and pick it up again! Heaven forbid we would want to sit in a book store, buy their coffee, buy their books, and discuss literature! I got home around 10:30 and headed straight to bed – early morning the next day.

Thursday: This started out with a 7 am volleyball practice. I think that I may have complained about this before – we have three teams fighting to share the gym, so my team tends to get the last possible practice time and it ends up being before school. Most of my players showed up – and most of them were completely confused about why our main setter wasn’t there. Apparently she had chosen not to tell the team about her suspension! After filling in a very unimpressed team, we had a good practice and the girls renewed some of their confidence. I made them do a hokey “this is why you’re great” circle thing to try to renew some of their positivity and enjoyment of working with a team. The day got longer from this point on. The big boss stopped by for lunch with the staff and we had a working lunch where we discussed what we thought was good and bad about the school division. It was a good lunch and our grade 12s catered it. The school day ended and we stuck around for the 7 pm football game. It was the first time they had ever done a game under lights and it was a great, fun experience. Pretty much the whole town showed up! We got home around 10 pm.

Friday: Got to school fairly early to get caught up on some work. The day dragged a bit and I was inundated with grade 12s asking me to edit their history papers. The papers were due today and many of them were just finishing the work on them. Their teacher is willing to edit the papers, but not on the day that they are due, so they come to me. I’m cool with that, at least they are getting them edited and realising the importance of it. Usually it comes with a ton of begging and sucking up too which is fun to watch. Lol. One of my favourite students from last year came to school today to hang out. That made my day brighter. I really miss this kid. We had some conversations via facebook this summer which nearly crossed a line on his part and I think that he still feels a bit sheepish about it because he wasn’t nearly as relaxed around me as he had been. It was funny because even the new teachers commented on how he just gravitated toward me when I walked down the hall, and how they hoped they could form relationships with students like that. I managed to get through the day with very little issue. We had a bit of a problem with a couple of students this afternoon, but it was a he-said, she-said, situation and both kids were in the wrong. At one point this morning, the principal just walked into my room and sat down – he said he was just looking for some excitement – he does that from time to time… just checking in randomly for a few minutes. He actually got into the conversation with the class, and the kids were AMAZING! They got right into the discussion and contributed very well and stayed on topic (mostly) and when they weren’t I laughed it off and called them on it, quickly pulling them back to the topic. I couldn’t have asked for it to be better! We actually got home after school at 5 pm – a first for the past couple of weeks! I had such a horrible headache that I took a short nap. I think I will call it night soon as my internet is actually out right now and my husband is downstairs playing football on PS3.

This weekend it is Thanksgiving in Canada. We’re off to the city to his parents’ place for turkey day. It will be a quiet weekend with lots of food – and hopefully getting a chance to catch up some marking. Marking and sleep!

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Party Like It's 1999

Yeah, but my body can't party like that anymore! lol

One of my coworkers who is having a difficult time with work right now, just bought a new house and wanted a staff gathering on Friday night after the home football game. We were supposed to go to my inlaws for lunch on Saturday, but thought we would go for a couple of hours. We figured that we would out of there by 9 at the latest. Well, 9 pm turned into 3:45 am!!! THat's right... you read that right... 3:45 am!!

I got there and while Mark was bringing in some stuff, our hostess offered me a drink. I declined and she said "oh are you driving?" Easy answer would have been yes, but I figured that she would see that Mark was drinking pop so I said "um, no". She right away pulled me aside and said "OMG...are you pregnant!!!!". I told her no, but since we were trying and I don't know if this month was successful I didn't want to drink. She completely understood and offered me some punch instead. All night she kept winking at me. She's very sweet and I think that she would be thrilled for me to get pregnant. She's about 24 and in her second year of teaching and just had her first wedding anniversary. I asked her once about kids, but she said that her husband wants to wait 5 or 6 years. I can get that... I can't imagine thinking of having kids at 24. I mean I knew at 12 that I wanted to be a mother, but the responsibility and all the rest of what comes with having kids... I can't imagine it at 24. At 35 sometimes it's too much for me!

Anyway, it was a good turn out for the party. About half the staff turned out and we had a good time. A few people came for one drink and left, then, around 9 we pulled out a couple of games and all hell broke loose. Craziness ensued. We started playing quarter chase around 10 pm. Now, I said I wasn't playing because I wasn't drinking but they were all really cool about it and said that I had to play but I could pass if I was the one who was supposed to drink. Later in the night my husband decided that he was going to start drinking since I wasn't and he started taking my drinks.

By 2 am, there were five of us sitting around the table - and everyone else was completely hammered. Everyone had a good time, and we finally got up to leave at about 3:45 am. One of the other staff members who lived just down the street walked home as we drove off. We had an hour drive to get home and I pulled into the driveway at around 5 am!

It has been a really long, really tiring weekend, and I'm exhausted. It would be one thing if I had been drinking, but no... I'm just tired!

I guess that I just can't party like it's 1999 anymore because my body knows it's not 22 anymore. That doesn't mean it won't happen again... just not any time soon!

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Angry? Yeah, you bet

Ok, so I'm pretty pissed off. If anyone has seen the crap that I had thrown at me on another blog, then they will know why. If you haven't, and you saw the comment on my last post, you might understand...

but the fact is that I"m angry.

I shouldn't let other people - particularly those in the blogosphere - get to me. But I do. I care what other people think. I care when they make sweeping accusations against me and then don't' give me the opportunity to respond. I care when I'm being made out to be an evil bitch and all I did was live my life.

I'm not sure exactly what I did, but apparently speaking my mind has created some sort of shit-storm and now it has been brought to my blog. I apologize to all the wonderful people who read this and are so supportive.

I guess that I just don't get why suddenly I have become the enemy of all single-TTC women simply because I happen to be married. If someone can explain this, I would love to get some perspective. I don't get why, when even though I have been supportive of all my single friends and when people don't know the my back-story, that I am suddenly being made out to be an enemy of single TTC women everywhere.

I never created this for others to read. I like that they do and I appreciate the comments, but it was always intended to be my outlet for the feelings and thoughts that were starting to drive me crazy. I have always, at every point in my life, been willing to accept when someone doesn't' agree with me, but I've always expected that those people would be willing to have a discourse about it - not call me names and run away. I think that shows a limit to a person's character to refuse to discuss a situation and simply post or say negative comments and refuse any further discussion on the matter.

It's been a really long week and there is a longer one coming up. I am at CD 44 and no sign of AF and I'm getting frustrated and emotional about another failed and long cycle. I was asked 10 times yesterday when I'm going to have kids, or why I don't have them yet... and right now, I just want to cry.

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Eggs and Duckies

I have been checking my BBT every day for the past six cycles. Each day I enter my BBT and CM into a program called Taking Charge of your Fertility. Every cycle I've seen the message "TCOYF has been unable to determine ovulation and it is likely that ovulation didn't occur this cycle". Every cycle I keep going and hope that it will be a successful one the next cycle.

About three days ago I experienced a half-degree spike in temperature. For the past two days it has stayed high. I should mention that I'm on CD 38 right now :S I went back through my previous five cycles and checked and my BBT always spikes a day or two before AF shows up. So, I expected to see AF rear its ugly face soon. Yesterday, I entered my BBT and up pops a message from TCOYF saying "Congratulations, your long luetal phase and temperature shift indicates that pregnancy is very likely". The calendar portion changed to bright orange and the word Pregnant. And on my temperature chart, a little nest with an egg appeared on CD 19, and on CD 38 a little yellow duckie.

I've been dying to see that egg and nest, and to see a duckie is a dream come true. But I wasn't absolutely sold that this was true. I know that the program says that if you have 18 days past ovulation, then it's nearly a guarantee that you're pregnant. However, that is supposed to be accompanied by higher temperatures after ovulation - and my temps this cycle were all low and it looks like a true annovulatory cycle to me... until the past few days when the temp spiked.

To top it all off, I've been REALLY emotional lately - the lastest episode of Grey's Anatomy nearly killed me I cried so hard. And just now I'm watching the season premiere of Sister Wives where they are talking about infertility (more on that the next time) and I'm bawling away. So, if pregnancy isn't the culprit, then PMS is being a total bitch in the emotions area this month!

So what's a girl to do. Well, I tried not to think about it too much, and I went out and bought a pregnancy test yesterday. I waited until I got home from my inlaws this afternoon to take it. I really didn't want to take the test there and then find out it was positive and have to share with them right away. Maybe that's selfish, but if it turns out positive I wanted it to be about me and my husband and our baby...just us, at least for a few days. Just enjoy it, our little secret.

So, we got home and I dodged into the bathroom.

Unfortunately, it came out negative. :(

I don't know if it's too early to be positive, or if I should just take that negative as a for-sure negative. I'm thinking that I'll wait another week and if there is no AF, then I'll take another test.

It's so frustrating. I just want this cycle to be done already. Either I need to be pregnant or have AF show up. The waiting is SO frustrating. When you are trying to conceive and have to wait for the start of the cycle, waiting a mere 28 days is torture. I'm at 38 days and could go much longer than that. My longest cycle has been 45 days. So, another week and hopefully I will know more than I do right now.

So for now, the duckies will have to wait