Decisions, decisions

Yesterday and today have been painful to say the least. It's reminding me of the way that I was feeling a year ago when the hyperplasia was in full swing. I will warn you now that some of the next couple of paragraphs may fall under the "too much information" category... read at your own risk.

By yesterday morning, my flow was very heavy. I had a great day of walking gingerly down to the washroom every hour or so as I felt a large clot trying to pass. I learned the hard way last year that if I move too fast at this point, I better have a change of clothes handy. So yesterday I was in a great amount of pain... LOTS of heavy cramping to accompany the heavy flow and large clots. I was up every 20 minutes last night for a few hours because of it. So frustrating.

Today was pretty bad this morning. Basically we're talking a flow that is heavy enough to fill a super-plus tampon and a backup heavy flow (overnight) pad in about an hour. That may sound bad, but given that last year at this time, I was having to change out every 20 minutes... 1-2 hours doesn't sound too bad. By this afternoon the cramps had subsided, so that's good. I even got a bit of a nap. The worst was that I couldn't find my hot water bottle, so at a point when heat would have really helped, I had none. My cat must have sensed that I needed help, because he climbed under the blankets and wiggled his way onto my stomach where he laid and purred the whole naptime.

So, right now, I'm not doing too badly in that area. The cramping is gone and I think that the flow is starting to lighten up a bit... I hope.

Tomorrow I"m off to spend the rest of the weekend with one of my closest friends who I haven't seen in nearly two months. Her husband and kids are going away for the weekend, so we're doing a girls' night.

Emotionally I'm doing a bit better. Still freaking out about the hysterosonogram, but I guess if I could get through the biopsies and HSG, I can survive this one too. Of course I'll survive, it's all in how much pain I'll have. I'm a total wimp. Of course women go through worse pain everyday, but for me, this completely sucks! I keep hearing, well it could be worse, or childbirth is worse, etc... but you know what.... for me this is shitty! I don't care how much worse it could be, the fact is that I'm going through this now. Right now, this is the worst that it could be. Right now, I have to deal with THIS! And it's not fair. It's not fair at all! Yes, I'm pouting a bit over all of this.

I think that hubby and I came to a decision today... no, not think, I know we did. After a lot of talking and soul-searching, we sent an email to the provincial adoption organization to find out what the first steps are to get our names on the list for a domestic adoption. We'd be willing to do international, but we're a bit financially disadvantaged to do that. Don't get me wrong... we are financially stable and can easily afford to raise a child or three, but to afford the costs of an international adoption? Not for a few more years. In the meantime, we can get all the paperwork and interviews, etc done for domestic adoption, and maybe, just maybe, a teenager gets knocked up and chooses us for her baby's parents. The bonus... there is no cost other than things like medical paperwork, criminal record checks, etc. I figured out the approximate costs for us, and it should be less than $200 to complete all of that.

So I sent the email and we'll see what the next steps are. Until today I honestly never felt really ready to take this step... I'm rather at peace with it now.

This whole medical issue resurfacing has really made me evaluate what I want... and while I desperately want to be pregnant, I want to be a parent more.