Time for an Update

I've been avoiding writing this for a few days. Just not wanting to put it onto "paper" as it was - I guess.

This has been a rough week for me.

I had a good weekend last weekend - I spent all day Saturday with a really close friend. We used to spend all sorts of time together - we were each other's gym and diet pushers... and it worked great for us. Since I moved, it's been harder for us to get together. She has two girls (age 11 & 12) and both are pretty high maintenance, so it makes it hard to do much of anything. Well she called me last week to tell me that her girls and husband were going to be out of town on the weekend I should come over. So I made the trip to the big city and spent the night in her gorgeous new guest room. We went shopping, ate junk food, and stayed up until an ungodly hour watching movies. It was good therapy.

I was proud of myself for one thing. I never stand up for myself with friends. If they say something that bothers me I usually just let it go. With acquaintances or strangers or coworkers, I have no problem, but friends I usually just stew in the anger but say nothing. Well, we were talking about the option of adoption. She said that really, when she thinks back, pregnancy wasn't that good and that it's not really worth it... in the end what you want is the kid not the pregnancy. I was a bit hurt by this - she knows how hard the TTC journey has been on me. I simply said "please don't be offended by this, but you can't possibly know how hurtful that statement is to me. It's very easy for you to say that pregnancy isn't a big deal - you had yours. I've been trying for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant, so hearing that it's no big deal and not worth it is really hurtful". She apologized and said that she didn't mean it that way (which I already knew, but I'm tired of hearing it). She did say that she understood though that she can't truly get what I'm going through.

That brings me to Monday. I had the hystereosonogram on Monday. I got there a bit early and they called me in right away. The OB/Gyn was there already and raring to get going on it. They got me all set up and then the GYN informs me that her whole tub of tools was left in the car all night, so the speculum is going to be a bit cold ... but "I'll warm it under some water first". She put it in and asked if it was ok. My response "if a cold speculum was the worst you were going to do to me today, I'd be fine". She laughed. Then the pain came. It wasn't horrific. It wasn't as bad as the biopsies or HSG was. It hurt at the time - the catheter and tenaculum (sp) were particuarly bad... and she was having a problem getting the cath to stay in place.

The radiologist came in to read the pictures and he said that the cath was fine, but that since my uterus is "generous", she needed to get another vial of saline. More of the saline came out than went in - because of the angle I was laying at, it was running up my back. All sorts of fun.

The bottom line was that on CD 6 (Monday), my lining was 11 mm. Definitely better than the 27mm that it was 10 days before that, but after the hellish AF that I experienced (we're talking switching out a super-plus tampon every half hour ... and backing it up with a thick pad), I was convinced that it would be down to normal. Well, the radiologist said that he saw nothing abnormal, just thick lining.

So, the verdict is that I get to go back to the OB/GYN for a biopsy in about 10 days. She wants me near the end of my cycle so that it is thickened up again. Another fucking biopsy! Seriously - I don't know how much more of this I can take.

On the upside, I got to go shopping for a couple of new shirts... didn't really have a choice. Remember how I said that the saline was running up my back. Well, it soaked the entire back of my shirt... and that saline... well it flushed out all sorts of extras from my uterus, so my shirt wasn't just soaked in saline... it's a good thing that I was wearing black. It was a hell of a mess - there was even a giant puddle on the floor under the table. ridiculous!

Also, my friend that I saw on the weekend - she deals with really bad endometriosis and has some pills she was given for the pain. Normally I don't share medication, but I was on the same pills a few years back for the horrible cramps that I had... so I'd taken them before (lots). She said she rarely needs them now (she's in the midst of menopause), so she gave me about 30 of them. I took them before and after the hysterosonogram, and that might have helped a bit.

Anyway, that's my update. The OB/GYN is pretty sure that the hyperplasia is back. My best hope is that it's simple and typical, not the complex with atypia as I had before. She sounds like she wants to possibly perform another D&C if it is... which I'm fine with... so we'll see.

You know, I was desperately hoping that I would pregnancy news to share with the family at Christmas - now I'm desperately hoping that I don't have cancer...

Sometimes life fucking sucks!