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Wednesday, 9 November 2011

An Insult, an injury, and a slap in the face!

So, I woke up this morning and had a low temp (36.09) which is not a good thing. I figured after yesterday's cramping, this was not going to be a good day. I was right!

Before I could take the HPT, I discovered that AF showed up during the night. So yeah, not pregnant. That was bad enough.

This morning, I snuck out of my class to make a call to the OB/GYN to arrange my next follicle tracking ultrasound. They were supposed to call me back with a date/time, so when the call came in, I wasn't concerned. I should have been.

On the line wasn't my OB/GYN's receptionist... it was the OB/GYN, Dr. B.

Dr. B said that she called because she had just gotten the ultrasound back from my post-ovulation ultrasound. She said that there seemed to be some problem with the lining. It was way too thick and she wanted to know if I ever got a follow-up biopsy since the one that I got back in May. I told her I hadn't, since Dr. A (the oncologist) told me to call him for one in November. She said that the results from the ultrasound showed thickened lining and irregularities. And she said that she recently got the results of the HSG in which the radiologist apparently stated that there were irregularlities in the lining. They thought that these might be post-operative changes after the D&C, but there was also discussion of them being polyps.

So Dr. B gave me the bad news... she needs to do ANOTHER test. I am scheduled for a hysterosonogram on Monday morning. Apparently this procedure involves a catheter being inserted into the cervix, through which she inserts saline solution to expand the uterus. Then they do a trans-vaginal ultrasound to determine any abnormalities in the uterine lining/wall.

Following that, Dr. B said she may want to do another biopsy. And if there are polyps, then I will need surgery to remove them. Of course, they might come back precancerous, or cancerous. If they are cancerous, then the only option is a hysterectomy. I'm so not ready for that.

I was hoping that at Christmas, I would be able to announce to the family that we would be adding to it. Now, it seems that there is a possibility that I might be recovering from a hysterectomy and dealing with the emotional side-effects of that. I really don't know if I can handle that.

I'm really struggling with all of this...

I don't know if I can handle the pain of anything else. Every test seems to be more and more painful. I nearly passed out at the HSG, and was in shock afterward. I don't know if I can handle the pain of another test. I'm sure that I can't handle another biopsy. I know that I won't be able to handle a hysterectomy... I might end up in a psych ward for that one... no joke.

I broke down twice in classes today. During my grade 5 English class I ran out of the room and into the bathroom where I sat for 5 minutes hyperventilating and bawling. Along the way I ran into one of my colleagues and later I went to apologize for my emotional state. She said something that complete triggered the tears again, and then she gave me a big hug and just sat there and listened while I cried and spilled my guts. It was kinda nice to get it off my chest to someone there... She is having her own issues with fertility and while she's not trying to conceive, she shared some concerns she has about when she does want to conceive in a few years.

I cried most of the way home, and I really feel empty today. I have nasty cramps like I haven't had in years - and since I now have a wonderful allergy to ibuprofin, nothing seems to help them. It's a nice reminder of all the crap that I have to look forward to.

How the hell am I going to get through all of this??

7 comments:

Evelyn

I'm really sorry to hear this. Getting your period would have been bad enough, but all this additional crap wasn't necessary. Just take one day at a time.

Sunflower

So sorry!

Sunflower

Lilypie -- I am new to blogging and having a difficult time posting hence the short comment earlier.
I am really sorry that AF arrived, plus the news about your lining. Please do not get tied up in thinking of worst case scenarios, you will needlessly upset yourself. I know it is easier said than done, but just try to take one step at a time.
Reg. the saline test. I have done it twice and it was not painful or uncomfortable. I had worked myself up into such a frenzy beforehand reading about other women's experiences that the actual procedure was quite an anti-climax. I took some Tylenol beforehand (just in case) but I did not expeience any cramping during or afterwards. The HSG was more uncomfortable for me but not this test. Stay strong.

ADSchill

I wish I could tell you that it would all be okay, but infertility is so unpredictable. Just take it one step at a time and one test at a time. You can deal with the results as you go. You can handle this - you are stronger than you think. We all are. We have to be.
It's okay to feel scared and to cry. One minute you were hoping for a positive HPT and the next you are talking about cancer and a hysterectomy. That is frightening. But I think you will be okay. I am thinking of you and hope that you get some good news soon...or at least not bad news.

MissC

M

I hate that you're going through this. Really, hate isn't a strong enough word for it. I know there's nothing anyone can do to take the fear away until you know the results of the tests, but I hope that in some way we can all help you see your way through the fear.

I'm here for you whenever you need to talk. I may not be physically present, but I'm always just a text message away. We WILL get you through this.

peg

thanks everyone - I appreciate the support. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's so hard. I drift back and forth between life sucks so much, and maybe it's not going to be too bad. But then I go back to life sucking and it drags me under.

MN

Peg, Sorry I'm just now "tuning in." This has been so stressful for you. Please take a deep breath and try to think optimistically. I am also one of the people who react badly to the various internal testing (don't know if it's the fibro or what), so I won't shush you on your concerns, but I will suggest to take one step at a time. Sweetie, we're all out here pulling for you. Try to be good to yourself.

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