Wednesday, 29 February 2012

The Olympians

So, today I started my grade 8 English class by giving them an overview of the Greek gods. You should have heard the giggles when I told them that Hephaestus was hit by the ugly stick but that he was married to the hottest woman in the world Aphrodite. I finished up that little story by telling them that it gives some of you hope, doesn't it. When I mentioned that despite this marriage, Aphrodite was stepping out on him with her uncle Ares, they really started laughing.

I walked into the class and was initially met with "are we learning about the gods again?" and "can we do more greek stuff today". Apparently they all were all discussing it and decided that they really liked this whole mythology stuff. One boy even said "you know, this is so much cooler than I thought it would be when you told us we were going to learn this stuff". That was pretty cool.

So after we discussed each of the gods, I asked them which one they wanted to report on. Lots of people wanting Poseidon, Aphrodite, and Dionysus. So then the question came up... "what's going to happen when two of us want the same god?" My response "well, I'm glad that you asked that my fine fellow [yes, I actually said fine fellow], we are going to have THE OLYMPIC GAMES"

They all cheered and then I told them that it was going to be Mrs. L's Wild and Wacky Olympic Games! They weren't so sure anymore, but all game.

Today's events were

1. Balancing Act - because all myths have balance (monsters/heros, night/day, etc), the competitors needed to have balance. The goal was to be the last person with their eyes closed standing on one foot.

2. Weight of the World - just as Atlas had to carry the world on his back, they had to stand, arms extended over their heads and hold a basketball for as long as they could.

This was all hilarious to watch. Four of the kids lasted 13 minutes with the basketball, and then the bell rang so now we need a tie breaker tomorrow.

Some of the other events include discus using paper plates, javelin using straws, thumb wrestling, paperclip archery, and the list goes on. I expect that this will take at least a whole other hour, if not two, but the kids are into it and it relates to what we're doing in class, so it's a way to draw them in.

I'm really excited for this unit. The kids are getting really excited to read the Lightning Theif. I had my grade 6s starting Harry Potter 1 today, which they are really excited for.

If only I could draw my 9s into Romeo and Juliet in the same way... time will tell... I have a very cool CSI thing planned to start that unit.

Overall, it was a pretty good day.

On other fronts, I've decided to try to do the photo challenge that Belle at Scrambled Eggs is doing. It looks like it might be a good distraction for me - we'll see if I can stick with it, but you should check it out if you haven't already - it looks kinda fun.

Monday, 27 February 2012

Excerpts from the Classroom

So I just had to share this bit of humour from my class today. It involves nothing about babies, nothing about infertility, nothing about any of that... but it had me laughing so hard I nearly peed myself.

Background: I am currently teaching a unit on Greek Mythology to my grade 8 English class. I told them today that we were going to be talking about Greek creation stories tomorrow. I also warned them that we would be discussing a god by the name of Uranus. This naturally resulted in giggles. So I said the name again and again until the giggles were no longer so noisy or instant. Good, they got it out of their systems a bit. Anyway, this one boy, we'll call him Andy, was in the washroom when I was talking about this, so when he came back into the class, this is how the conversation went.

Me to whole class: Ok, so once again, tomorrow we will be talking about the creation story and we will be discussing Uranus.

Andy with a look of sheer shock on his face: What? My anus? Why my anus? I don't know if I'm comfortable with that! You should discuss Kenny's anus instead!!

He said this without any bit of a smile, and knowing Andy as I do, this was not a joke - he was dead serious!!

My response was to start laughing - I was laughing so hard I was crying. Then the bell rang and I dismissed them through the laughter.

Sometimes I absolutely love love love middle years! So honest and so real!

Friday, 24 February 2012

So not fair

Why do bad things happen to good people? I just got an email from my sister-in-law. They went for follow up blood tests on tuesday which showed her levels were good and then an ultrasound yesterday. They found out from the doctor today that she had miscarried. This is her 4th miscarriage. Sure she has two beautiful children but this is complete bullshit! Nobody should have to deal with this!

I'm so sick of infertility and it's ugly face showing up!! It's just not fair!!

Monday, 20 February 2012

Precious, precious life

First of all, I am asking that you all send out your prayers and well wishes to Mo. After a long struggle TTC, she is now facing her precious baby boy at 23 weeks - so close to the line of viability, but so far away. I'm still holding out hope that she will get her miracle and her precious baby boy will be able to fight and beat the odds. It's happened before. Babies born as early as 22 weeks have survived against all odds. Please send your prayers that this precious little boy will be one of them.

Life isn't fair sometimes. I'm discovering that more and more. I've been on my own emotional roller coaster. As you know, in the last two weeks I've found out that my sister-in-law and two of my cousins are expecting. Then last night I called my brother to wish him happy birthday (yes, our birthdays are a day apart). What I heard from him is not what I had expected.

Apparently, on Thursday, my SIL started having mild spotting. She called the doctor who said not to fret too much, just stay on bed rest. On Saturday, she woke up to "period-like" bleeding and clots passing. She said she was sure it was a miscarriage, so off they went to the hospital. When they got to their local hospital, they discovered that she was dilated 3 cm, and told her that she had miscarried. They sent her to the city to get checked by her specialist - they were worried that she hadn't passed everything.

When they got to the city, they did blood tests and checked her again - her cervix had closed up completely, and her blood tests, and the pee stick showed that she was still pregnant. They tried to do an ultrasound, but the specialist said that she rarely finds anything on a 7 week ultrasound, but in her opinion, my SIL was still pregnant. She told her to go home and stay in bed for a few days.

SIL told me that she went home expecting to continue with a miscarriage. She got up Sunday, expecting all the pain, etc, and it never came. She said that Sunday, there wasn't even a spot, and no pain at all.

On Tuesday, she goes back for blood tests - provided that the levels haven't dropped from Saturday, they are going to call it still viable. Then on Thursday, she goes for an 8 week ultrasound and hopefully they find a viable fetus.

As SIL said, she's miscarried 3 times previously, and this is nothing like any of those times.

The specialist said that if there is still a viable pregnancy, then this is one of two things... either she has an incompetent cervix issue starting and they will stitch it, or she was pregnant with twins and miscarried one of them, but her body is still holding onto the other one.

So, if you have an extra prayer to send out, I ask that you please send one to my brother and SIL for a healthy viable pregnancy, and good results on the tests tomorrow.

As much as this pregnancy has made me somewhat sad and jealous, this is still my niece or nephew and I am struggling so much with the idea that this might end before I can even be ok with it. I feel awful for having anything other than positive feelings about this pregnancy. I haven't ever wished them harm, I just haven't been able to enjoy this pregnancy and celebrate it like I have all of her other pregnancies.

I just hope beyond hope that her results are good tomorrow...

Saturday, 18 February 2012

My New Love

I finally went to the new Sephora store in the city. It's been open for a while, but I hadn't gotten there yet - primarily because it's in the big mall downtown and it's a pain to get to, plus that mall gets crazy busy on weekends.

Anyway, today hubby suggested that we go shopping for the afternoon... he knows me so well :)

We went to the big mall and I checked out Sephora while he went on the hunt for video games. After telling him I'd meet him in 15 minutes, I walked out of the store nearly 45 minutes later and about $100 poorer. I got some great stuff though... I could spend hours in there. I got some philosophy body wash. I had some years ago as a gift, but haven't been able to get it in this province (as far as I know). I got some great lip stuff and some eye shadows. Oh, and some dry shampoo (I have very oily roots, but the rest of my hair is super dry and so fine - if I wash every day it gets brittle and frizzy, but if I don't, my roots look disgusting... hence dry shampoo for the roots). This dry shampoo is actually meant for dark hair, so that's good - the typical stuff often leaves my hair looking like I'm going grey.

So, a very successful shopping trip. I think I love that store. Even better was that when I signed up for a points card, they asked when my birthday was. When I said "today". She got all giddy and said "Oh, I NEVER get to give out the birthday gifts - other people always get birthday customers... you just made my day". She gave me a lip duo from "Sugar". It's pretty good stuff (lip moisturizer, and a tinted lip moisturizer and it tastes like lemonade!)

Hubby also followed me around a couple of department stores where I ended up getting five tops for about $70 total. I paid full price for one of them, but the rest were all less than $10.

For supper, my inlaws took us out for seafood - it was so good... and I'm so full!!! I came home and collapsed on the couch!

Tomorrow I"m going to have a much needed girl's day with a friend who also needs a day off from her crazy family who have gone skiing. We're actually going to have a sleepover - stay up late, watch movies, etc. Should be fun!

All in all it was a pretty good day. I nearly cried when we were waiting to be seated for supper and the woman standing right across from me was pregnant. She kept rubbing her stomach and was so happy. It made me sad. I know that it shouldn't. And I know that I don't know her story. If I'm lucky, I could be that woman in a few months and someone could be sad because of my situation. Who knows, maybe that woman was pregnant after years of pain of IF. But in my mind, that wasn't true and I was sad... even if only for a few minutes... it's impossible to escape it completely.

I just remembered something funny that happened while shopping though. We were walking by one store and my husband pointed out this little onesie (diaper-shirt). He said "when you get pregnant, I'm buying that one". It had the following saying on it... "I'm cute, my mom's cute, my dad's ... lucky!!!" It made me giggle a bit. :)

da da dum....

key the ominous music.

Today is my birthday! Happy Birthday to me! I have now hit that age where every appointment I have is going to be cursed with the prefunctory age comments.

Today I am 35. No longer am I considered to be within safe, baby-making age limits.

We all know that 35 is the magic age where your chances to conceive drop, and your chances of complications and birth defects go up.

I hate getting older! My cousin said that last year she went to the fertility clinic one month before her birthday and nothing was said, then a month later, two days after her 40th, they started telling her all the horrors of TTC after 40. She just laughed and said if the horrors weren't there for the past month, then why bring them up now.

Yesterday I had a day of medicals. We managed to pack six appointments into one day - chiro, dentist, and GP for me; optometrist, dentist, and GP for hubby. This is what I got out of them...

1. Chiro really does help my back problems, and I really shouldn't wait four months between appointments (my chiro was on mat leave, so I just didn't bother going to anyone else).
2. I still hate going to the dentist. Actually, it's the dental hygienists that I hate! This one had zero sympathy - at one point I was shaking and actually had tears rolling down my face and she wouldn't stop for a few seconds for me to calm down. I have a bad history with dental procedures. I did really like the dentist - he was very nice (and actually cute too), but I still hate trips to the dentist. I have to go back in three weeks to get a few fillings - not impressed. We're going to try to do it without freezing because I don't take freezing well and those needles hurt worse than the drilling. He said if I was willing to try, he was. Frankly, if I can handle an endometrial biopsy without medication, then a filling should be a breeze.
3. my GP is awesome, but really willing to do anything without question. She just wrote a bunch of prescriptions for me and sent me for a bunch of tests - so that's the plan for later this week, to get those done. Hopefully we find something so that this exhaustion goes away.

So, I got a lot done yesterday and then went shopping today... bought way too much, but hey, it's my birthday so it's ok... right??

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

That's it... I quit!

I talked to my grandmother tonight...

Apparently, one of my cousins on the other side of my family is pregnant and due at the end of June.

Just kill me now! I think that I've cried more in the last two weeks than I have in years.

That's it... I quit.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Damned Fertile Family

I know that some of you are in the same boat as me on this one... Any help on how you deal with this would be helpful.

I called my mother last night. I had no plans of talking to her for about nine months or so if possible, but I didn't have a choice. I got an email from my cousin that my uncle is back in the hospital again. He's my godfather and favourite uncle. He's my father's immediately older brother (my dad is from a family of 7 kids), and the brother that he was always the closest to. Anyway, he's been in and out of the hospital for years and he's back in now.

Since my mother checks her email about once a month, I thought I better call her. Turns out she already knew (someone called them), but she had another piece of news...

My uncle's daughter (the one who emailed me) is pregnant and due at the end of July.

I nearly lost it. I managed to hold the tears back but was hit with a sudden wave of anger. My response was something like this...

"good lord! seriously??!! If one more person in this family announces a pregnancy, I'm out. I'm just leaving the family for good".

My mom was a bit snarky and said "well would you rather not know?". Now, understand that this is not said with sympathy, it was complete harsh.

I responded that no, I wanted to know, but it was really upsetting and frustrating that all these people who already have two kids each are getting pregnant AGAIN and all I want is one and can't have it! It hurts.

She actually had a sliver of sympathy at that point. She said "yeah, it must be hard. I can't imagine". And that was the end of her being sympathetic... she changed the topic to talk about... yup, you guessed it, my nephew. Yes, because when someone is upset about their infertility, the best thing you can do is to talk about someone else's kids.


Seriously?? How did I get blessed with such a fertile family and get stuck in this hell hole of infertility?

On the upside, I"m now down a total of 16 lbs since January 9th. The better part is that I've lost 6 inches off my waist, 3 off my hips, and five off my thighs. My bust has only lost one, but really, I"m good with that. :) The last two weeks have a been a struggle because I was on the progesterone pills - one of their nice side effects? Weight gain. So I figure the fact that I only lost 2.2 lbs over the past two weeks is still a bonus. Thank goodness I only have one more month of the pills left (hopefully).

Saturday, 11 February 2012

What I Noticed

We just finished watching "A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas". I can't help it. I love the Harold and Kumar movies. Sometimes sophomoric humour is just what I need. And yes, I know it's March, but the movie just came out... so we sat down to watch it.

Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't watched it but wants to...

In the movie Harold and his wife are trying to have a baby. They haven't been successful, and on Christmas morning she gets a positive pregnancy test. I called bullshit on this. This is why. Less than 24 hours before this test, she told Harold she was ovulating. This tells me that only about 2 weeks prior to this, she had AF visiting. So even if she was pregnant, she would be about a day pregnant and no test in the world would pick that up.

So I was nearly livid about this point. I made my husband pause the movie and blurted all this out. My husband just looked at me with amusement and confusion. His response to me...

"ok, so in this movie a baby gets high several times, a man nearly gets his dick scalded off, NPH isn't gay, two guys who are not wearing seatbelts roll a van and survived - walk away even, a man throws a flaming tree out of a window and has no burns at all, and Santa gets shot in the head and they stitch it up with some thread and whiskey and he's able to walk away... and the pregnancy test is what YOU find bizarre???"

My response... "well yeah, because it's just not possible"

He must have laughed at me for about five minutes before we could finish the movie.

Yeah, those are the things that I notice. :)

The Club

As all infertiles know, there is a club out there that we just can't seem to get into... the parenthood club. It is a club that we try so hard to get into, but it's not as easy as just buying a ticket. It seems that everyone around us gets to walk in without trouble, and all we want is a chance to look in the window, but it is like that velvet rope just won't budge.

Last night we went out for supper. We had had a long day at work and just wanted a nice supper - somewhere that we could relax but nothing too fancy - we were wearing jeans afterall. We went to a place that is known for a family atmosphere - perhaps this was our first mistake.

We got seated a table next to a family with a child about 5 years old. There were three adults and just the one child at the table. Things were fine for a few minutes, and then the child decided that she didn't want the food that she had asked for. It turned into a full out temper tantrum. So what did the adults do about it? Absolutely nothing. No, wait, scratch that, they laughed at it. They did nothing at all about it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand the concept of ignoring a temper tantrum. I really do. I've used the technique a number of times with children in my care. However, ignoring a temper tantrum while the rest of the restaurant has to listen to it... that's just not right. No matter how many evil glares other people gave the parents, they just smiled and laughed and ordered dessert.

I know it's old school parenting, but when I was that age, if I would have pulled that shit, my parents would have taken me outside to cool down and have a little talk with me. Sometimes that would result in the rest of the meal being spent sitting in the car, or us just going home. But not in this case. Apparently these parents feel that their enjoyment is more important, and they are entitled to do and act however they want... just because they have kids.

While sitting at the table, listening to this insanity, I posted to FB how annoyed I was. I got some comments and likes - all in agreement with me, and then this...

"being a parent is a hard job. we all do the best we can. so sorry if it's offensive to those who are childless".

I nearly blew a gasket. How dare she!! HOW FUCKING DARE SHE!!!!

Let me give you some background. This is a girl I went to highschool with. I grew up in a small town, so there were only 8 people in my grad class. A few years ago, all of my grad class started to add me - and I let them. I'm not sure why I let them given that I never really liked most of them and many of them were bitches to me all throughout school. This particular person was a snob of the greatest proportions. She had her nose stuck in the air and thought that she was better than EVERYONE else. At a wedding of one of our classmates, she met her husband. Well, maybe met is the wrong word here. Town gossip had it that she met and hooked up with him and didn't even know his last name until a week later. But it was ok - he was from the city. *insert eye roll here*

Now she's a mother of two who does not work outside the house, but thinks that she is better than everyone else.

Anyway, needless to say, this comment stung me. I get really pissed off when people think that they are better than me just because they managed to pop a person out of their va-jay-jay. IF is not something that people choose, and rubbing your ability to procreate in the face of another is a really low thing to do. Now, I may be wrong, she might be sincere in her comments, but I doubt it. What really got me about all of this was that the other commenters and likes were from people who have kids - among them 8 kids and a grandchild.

So, yes, I couldn't let it go. I responded with this....

"Parenting might be a tough job but it doesn't entitle people to a free ride on being rude. If a child isn't capable of behaving in public then perhaps parents should think twice about where they are taking them and perhaps disciplining them or at least acknowledging that their behavior is inappropriate rather than laughing about it. And for the record it is not just childless people who get annoyed by this - all the people who have agreed or commented have children. And the idea that some people think that being a parent entitles them to act poorly or gives them more rights than someone without children is what is really offensive!"

perhaps a little harsh, but I'm so tired of those in the club sticking their tongues out and those of us on the outside and complaining that WE are too sensitive.

Parenting is a tough job, I'm not denying that. Hell, just being a parental figure is a tough job, forget the 24/7 of actual parenting. But don't for one fucking second complain to me that it's too tough and act like you deserve a break on common courtesy because you popped out a human. Being a parent doesn't make you infallible, and it doesn't mean you get a free pass.

Sunday, 5 February 2012

A Bit Better

First of all, thanks for all the kind comments yesterday, they really did help. Between that, a really supportive husband, and a wonderful friend who talked me down on FB (you know who you are), right now I'm doing a bit better.

The reason for the melt-down??

My brother called me yesterday to tell me that his wife is pregnant again. I have to say that he was really considerate about it. He said that he had something to tell me and that he didn't want to upset me or make me mad (why the hell would I be mad at him, but anyway). Then he said that she was pregnant. It's their third child and they weren't trying. Does that make me sad, yup. I got through the conversation without tears and feigned happiness for them. We talked about it a bit. Then the convo ended and I hung up...

and started sobbing. Hard sobbing. Ugly crying. The kind where you can't breathe. I was a mess.

I know that it's horrible to be angry and sad and jealous. I know that I should be happy and excited for the new niece or nephew that I'm going to have. Don't get me wrong, somewhere, deep inside I am happy for them. I know that I will love this baby with all my heart - just as I love their other two kids. I know that I will get to a point where I"m ok with it. That point just isn't now.

I got through Christmas without any pregnancy drama in the families and thought I was clear. They weren't trying and insisted that they were finished with kids. They have a 9 year old and a 3 year old. They said they were done. This wasn't planned - a complete oops. I am worried about my SIL, as she's miscarried three times before and has to be on progesterone to sustain the pregnancy for 12 weeks - that's the only reason why she's managed to carry two to term. She has to see a specialist, and both of her previous successful pregnancies have been wrought with troubles. So I do worry. I want it to turn out. I just feel bad for me.

To be completely self-centered, the next pregnancy announcement in the family was suuposed to be mine! We were supposed to be the next ones that got that attention and focus. Now, it won't matter if I do get pregnant - if it happens in the next 8 months, it won't mean much. Not in my family anyway. My brother has always been the centre of the universe for my mother. Hell, I can't even get my mother to sit and listen to anything about my medical issues. As soon as I bring them up, she changes the subject - usually to talk about my brother or his kids. Nice eh? I'm trying to get some support for my IF and she starts talking about my brother's kids. Sigh.

The last two times my SIL was pregnant, all my mother could talk about was the baby. I honestly might have to cut communication with her if that starts. I don't want to, but I can't listen to it again. When my SIL was pregnant the last time, we weren't trying yet. My niece was born in March and I had just gone off of BCP, so I was still convinced that in six to eight months we'd be pregnant. What a fool I was. Now, nearly three years after starting to try, we still have no baby, and my hopes, my spotlight, has been stolen by my brother and SIL again.

This might sound horrible. I know that it does. I know that I sound like a snot-nosed little brat. I get that. But it's the way I feel. My husband is ready to do an intervention with my mother already. I haven't even talked with her yet about it, but I know it will be bad. My mother is a piece of work... she just doesn't seem to give a shit about me. The world is all about my brother and his kids. I am always the last one to be considered because I am childless.

I guess this was just another stab. I felt yesterday like someone grabbed my heart and pulled it out of my chest... and wouldn't give it back. today I feel like crying but haven't yet. I had a horrible sleep last night - nightmares... bad ones. I just feel like I need to escape, but I can't. I don't have the money or the time to get away from this bullshit. I need so badly to escape all of this.


Saturday, 4 February 2012

Crying Jag

I must apologize for being so absent in the month of January. Christmas was tough on me and I've been completely exhausted. I'm seriously thinking that something more is wrong with me, because I just can't get up in the morning... but I can't sleep at night. I must make an appointment with my GP, but I'm so tired of doctors at this point. Besides, my doctor is over an hour from me and I hate being that person who walks in with three or four ailments. *sigh* Getting time off of work is a pain too - if you have a job where you can just call in sick and forget about it, be grateful. I know that I chose to be a teacher, but honestly, the fact that I can be puking my guts out and still have to prepare for the day before I can call it a sick day is ridiculous! Next year I vow to have "just in case" sub plans ready... so that I don't have to do that.

Anyway, I've been tired and feeling gross all month, and I'm not so sure that the medroxy is working. I've had normalish periods (28 days yes, but not as heavy as I would have expected). So I'm not sure it's clearing me out. I just wish she would have done a D&C first before the medroxy... but I wait patiently until mid-March to find out if it's working or not. again *sigh*

Finally ... I've been crying most of the day. I got some pretty hard news related to family. I'm not going to get into it right now because if I do, I'll just end up crying again. I don't want to deal with it, but I have to. Basically I'm sad and I don't know how to deal. *sigh*

How do you deal with all of your IF issues? Lately I've been having a real problem with it. If anyone brings up babies or pregnancy I get depressed - almost immediately. I've been crying so much. I'm losing a LOT of hope and I don't know how to deal anymore. I think it might be time for a therapist.... but that doctor thing that I mentioned earlier - yeah that goes for a therapist too - closest are an hour away and getting time off... well it's really tough.