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Saturday, 8 October 2011

PTSD?? Perhaps

I woke up last night in a cold sweat, and was hyperventilating. Why? Well I had had a horrible nightmare.

I dreamed that I went to work and got a note saying that I was no longer employed at my current school and that I was being transfered back to my old school. I went to the old school and two seconds after walking into the building I was called to the office where the principal proceeded to scream at me because I walked into the school wrong. I was so real and so clear!

You have to understand that by the middle of the year the year that I worked there, I would get called to the office about 3 times a day to be yelled at. It was ridiculous and quickly I got the union involved. I was just so horrible. I nearly threw myself in front of a bus just to get away from it (and I don't mean that in an exaggerated way - I was standing on the sidewalk and waiting for the bus to come down the street so that I could step in front of it).

After I got the transfer to my new school things changed. I love it there. It is the most amazing place to work! I love my boss and I love my students. The staff is amazing! As you saw in my last post, I sometimes have REALLY long weeks there, but I have never hated my job or myself while I'm there. I truly lucked out to get such an amazing job!

So where did that dream come from? Part of it might be that yesterday as the principal left my class he made a comment about how Buggs and Dafffy were his favourite cartoons when he was a kid (that comment fit into our discussion). I made a comment about how I didn't know that there were televisions when he was a kid. He laughed and asked where I worked. I told him "um, not here for long" lol. We both knew it was a joke and he razzed me about it later. But I think that my subconscious might have taken it seriously.

But then again... The other day at work, all of a sudden, I had a flashback to that horrible place and was sitting at my desk hyperventilating! I was instantly in tears and couldn't stop. I had to make myself walk down to the office just to reassure myself that it was a different place. It was horrible.

I wonder if it isn't post traumatic stress disorder? I know that I wasn't at war or that sort of thing, but it was an extremely abusive situation and it was horrific to me. Lately the thoughts and dreams are more vivid and I wonder if it's not that I"m finally feeling secure where I am so now the doubts are starting to rise. :( I have been contemplating calling one of the union counsellors to set up an appointment to see if I can't get to the bottom of it and try to heal from all of it... we'll see.

1 comments:

MN

Sweetie, you probably do need to see someone and get a chance to truly heal. I can't speak about PTSD, but even a deeply ingrained anxiety can play havoc with you. Root it out in therapy and put it away.

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