Massive Breakdown

Last night I had a complete break down. Sobbing hard for over an hour. Hyperventilating sobbing. Sobbing that got my husband freaking out and wanting to take me to the hospital because I wasn't stopping. Why??

I did something so stupid. I watched an episode of one of my favourite TV shows... an episode that I had heard from some friends would be bad for me. But I was determined that I had to watch it and thought that I had been in an ok place about all of this waiting and TTC crap so why not watch it.

It was an episode of How I Met Your Mother. If you aren't familiar with the show it is about a group of friends in New York. One of the friends is a young woman who has made it clear that she does not want to be a parent... ever. So she has a one-night with one of the others on the show, and starts to think that she is pregnant. She isn't thrilled but starts to warm up to the idea of it. When she gets the test results that she's not, she's pretty happy about it. But a week later she gets called back to the doctor who tells her that she can never have children. The end of the show is her in her apartment with another friend who is telling her that she will never be alone and she breaks down (she hasn't told any of her friends about her inability to have children). Later the narrator says that "Robin never did become a mother, but she was a successful reporter and a world traveller, and she was never alone".

I finished the show and broke down completely. I started sobbing and hyperventilating.

It all just hit me at once. If I can't have kids I feel like I"m going to be a failure. I know how people talk about those women who can't have children. "oh, she was this and this and this and never had children". I don't know if I will be able to continue working as a teacher if I can't have children. I love my job but I'm not sure I can deal with other people's children all day and not have my own. I already feel like I"ve accomplished nothing important in my life. My main goal was to be a mother, and I seem to be failing miserably at that one. Everything else that I achieve is tarnished for me because I don't have children. My thoughts immediately became "she's just a teacher with no kids".

Don't get me wrong, I love my job right now. I really do. But let's be honest... some of the people I work with, some of my teaching colleagues, are not the brightest bulbs in the box. It has been my experience that it doesn't take a genius to get through teacher's college and become a teacher. Sure, some teachers are brilliant and amazing at what they do, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist or someone even incredibly dedicated to teach. I work with some people who are the perfect example of that.

I feel like I've failed myself and my husband. I was accepted to Harvard Law for god's sake, and I chose to give it up and become a teacher. And now I am wondering why I did that. Sure Harvard would have been a challenge financially but I'd probably be making half a million a year by now, living in New York, and living a fabulous life where I could pay any amount of money to get a baby. Instead I work with children who rarely appreciate what I do, many of whom are quick to tell me that they hate me on any given day. I work with parents who don't care if their children come to school or complete assignments. I work with teachers who couldn't be bothered to do their jobs properly, because nobody is watching their every move. All this and I don't even have my own kids to go home to. I feel like I have failed my husband. He wants children so badly and I am the reason why that hasn't happened for him.

SO I feel like a complete failure, and that for the next week I have to deal with the Christmas fallout of this. I have to deal with my mother's comments about children. I have to deal with my niece and nephew who I love dearly but who it pains me to be around. I have to deal with my brother and his wife who are so wrapped up in themselves, and who have known for the past month that I have been waiting on a cancer diagnosis but have not inquired once as to how I'm doing.

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I know that some of the moodiness has to do with the Provera. I'm three days from the end of it and I'm starting to feel the results emotionally rather than physically. The nightly headaches are making me crazy too!

So today I'm sitting here with giant bags under my eyes, puffiness, and a headache that makes me want to just live in a dark room. But I can't. I have to pack up and head to the city for Christmas with my husband's family. I have to finish my Christmas shopping today, and then spend another holiday season without a baby to hold.

I'm just sad.