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Saturday, 22 June 2013

Too fat to parent

So what's new? Oh right, I'm too fat to be a parent. Yeah you read that right.

Two weeks ago I saw my oncologist who said I was all clear - no cancer, no precancer, nothing abnormal - and she didn't need to see me again. At that point I made an appointment with my RE hoping she would get us going on the clomid track and move this baby-making train along. In the back of my mind I had a feeling she wasn't going to help.

So we saw her on the 20th. She went through our histories and then proceeded to tell me that at my weight she couldn't do anything to help me - not even clomid because the pregnancy would be too dangerous.

Here is what pisses me off. Before going on the megestrol for the precancerous endometrial cells, I had lost nearly 50 lbs. then the minute I started the pills I started to gain and ended up gaining more than 70lbs. Now I'm told that I need to lose a minimum of 100lbs before the RE will even consider helping. Did you notice the word consider? It's not even a guarantee that if I can lose it that she will help. Top this off with my weight loss history of getting to 30-40 lbs and then plateauing for several weeks and 100lbs will take more than a year. At that point I'll be nearing 38 and my eggs will probably have withered away from non use. 

Add to this that every time in the past four years that I've gone even four months without medication I end up with the precancerous condition returning. If it comes back again it's going to be pretty hard to find a doctor who will treat me because the standard of care at that point is hysterectomy.

I'm just so sad and frustrated. At this point I think the only way I will lose is to stop eating altogether... Something which has my husband really upset with me. When I refused to eat supper he started in on the lectures. He's an eternal optimist and thinks we can do this. He says we but I damned well how it will play out. I will bust my ass to eat healthy and lose weight and he'll sit there eating chips. I can't tell you how many times it has happened that way.

I even looked into the surgery route. Gastric bypass. At least it would help the weight come off. Unfortunately it is a year waiting list to have that done too. So wait a year for the surgery and then who knows how long for the rest of the weight to come off.

At this point I am just sitting depressed wishing I could just end it all. I either stare blankly or I'm crying. I feel like this horrible, disgusting person who doesn't deserve to live. After all, if I'm too fat to be a parent, then obviously I'm too fat and unworthy to live.

8 comments:

Belle

First, shame on your doctor for being so harsh and not working with you to set a goal and accomplish it so you can move on to step 2. If weight loss is what is needed I would expect your doctor to work with you to accomplish this, not just cast you aside.

Second, I can't stress the importance of second and third opinions enough. I have been to see EVERY SINGLE RE in Lexington and eventually fired them all. I do not accept substandard care, nor do I accept someone trying to bully me into things.

When I first got sick with my autoimmune eye disease I consulted with four specialists, one of whom said to "Just forget about ever having children. That will never happen with your situation." I'm 39 weeks pregnant today. Please be kind to yourself and take pride in caring for your body, which while it might not be the best performer out there it is yours and serves you well. Be proactive and consult with some other doctors and find someone who is willing to work with you, cheer you and on help you reach your goal, not just yell at you and send you out. I'm sending you so much love right now. xoxo

Mr. Thompson and Me

I love what Belle said. Good reminders for us all. I have 70 pounds to lose so I understand this. 30 pounds before I can even consider another IVF...but 70 to make it optimal.

We can do this!

We can give it our best. And if, by chance, our best isn't good enough then at least we tried. It's going to take a lot of hard work and support but we can so this.

Big hugs coming to you.

Mr. Thompson and Me

I love what Belle said. Good reminders for us all. I have 70 pounds to lose so I understand this. 30 pounds before I can even consider another IVF...but 70 to make it optimal.

We can do this!

We can give it our best. And if, by chance, our best isn't good enough then at least we tried. It's going to take a lot of hard work and support but we can so this.

Big hugs coming to you.

Jess

I agree with Belle--a second (or third) opinion seems to be in order here. THat seems very insensitive and not productive at all without offering a plan or way to meet the goal. Not to mention that there are plenty of people who conceive naturally while significantly overweight (I have a cousin for whom it was no problem, no one told her to lose weight before trying to conceive and she ate fried everything the whole pregnancy, then delivered early at 32 weeks due to preeclampsia but everything worked out fine and her baby came home a month before her due date unassisted...). I can't believe that someone would say you are too fat to try conceiving and then set such a lofty goal as 100 lbs, especially given your medical history and medications that interfere with those goals (not to mention fertility medications are notorious for causing weight gain--I gained about 20-30 pounds or so and have lost the ability to lose some weight between cycles, which is so frustrating). I'm thinking of you and hoping that you can find an RE that is not, as said above, a bully. You deserve more!

Nell

First, please do not think that way. Belle has great point about seeking a second opinion. Now if you decide to check out gastric bypass, maybe you can find another doctor who will work with you sooner. My roommate (who had gastric bypass) has had a number of friends who have gotten pregnant after bypass. Anyway, my thoughts are with you. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be gentle and loving with yourself. You are worthy and lovable and absolutely fabulous.

Evelyn

I agree with all comments too, but want to say the most important thing is what Nell said. Don't think that way, don't believe yourself unworthy.

I'm also on a weight loss break. The difference is that my doctor is following my progress. I see him tomorrow with about 10 lbs lost in 2 months, not as much as I'd hoped, but still progress.

The other thought is to see if you can do some egg retrievals to at least preserve your eggs while they are younger. Egg freezing seems like it's maturing to the point of being mainstream. It would make time less of an issue.

Jenny

I think you know my thoughts on this by now, since I've been very vocal to you about how I think this is all a bunch of BS. But I want to strongly reiterate what everyone else has said: you are NOT unworthy of being a parent! Quite the opposite, in fact. I've never known anyone with such an innate and beautiful understanding of babies and children as you. You're already an amazing mother - you just need to have your baby(ies) in your arms.

Whatever you decide to do - fight or give up - I am right beside you to support you. And if you decide to fight, I'll kick some ass with you! You're an awesome person. Don't ever let anyone make you doubt that.

bunintheovenplease!

I was very upset to read this post. I do hope you are feeling better soon. All I can say is that you should definitely not starve yourself, eat oats for breakfast, and lots of healthy foods, (no trans fats) you can only do what you can, and overweight people can actually be extremely healthy - and get pregnant too!

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