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Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Dark Clouds Descend

I'm depressed.  It's official.  I'm depressed. I can't seem to find anything that makes me happy lately.  I'm stressed about everything.  I'm stressed about money, babies, work, house, yard, health, etc.  There doesn't seem to be anything that doesn't stress me out.  I had a massive anxiety attack last night about money.

Money has never been my friend.  I never seem to have enough of it.  When I start to worry about money, only one thing makes me feel better... shopping.  See the problem there!?   Yeah, endless cycle.  My bankruptcy clears in July and I'm happy about that, but now I've started to stress over student loans, because anyone who's ever had Canada student loans knows what asses they are to deal with.  I have an old credit card debt that refused to join the bankruptcy because my mother co-signed (so they went after her for the money).  I'm concerned about this because they have never sent out a statement with similar amounts twice...every statement is higher or lower by 300-500 dollars.  I can't get a straight answer out of them.  My husband is on a temporary contract and we don't know if he will be employed next year, and that's stressing me out because we need the money.  Not having him employed over the summer is going to be tough enough - we had too many bills this year and didn't manage to save nearly enough to get us through the summer properly, so we'll be skimping.

My husband is from a family where money has never been a big deal  - they have lots so they don't stress over it.  My history is not so nice.  I remember overhearing conversations between my parents about bankers, losing the house and business, them having to empty my education account in order to cover inventory costs, etc.  Since I was about 11, I have had anxiety over money and what it leads to.  It bothers me a lot that between the two of us we clear over $75,000 a year and we still live paycheque to paycheque.

I keep running into people who have kids who don't seem to be caring for them.  Yesterday in a store, I saw this woman with a little girl.  This child was about 8 and I would say weighed about 3 times as much as she should have.  Now, I know that some children can't help it and I wasn't judging... until I saw the cart and heard the kid.  The cart was filled with nothing but sugary crap full of chemicals and crap.  In fact, as I walked by, my cart full of veggies, fruit, fish, and lean meat, the woman looked in and rolled her eyes.  Yes, lady, that's what we eat.  As I was walking away, the girl grabbed a bag of cookies out of the cart, threw it to the floor and screamed "not that kind bitch!  I don't like that kind!!".  The woman did nothing about it.  As they walked away (cookie bag still on the floor), the girl kept swearing all the way down the aisle.  It made me more bitter about not being able to have children.

I'm so bitter and angry about everything.  I don't know how to fix it... I just know that I'm there.  I haven't been sleeping lately and that's making me grumpy too.  I have 20 days of work left (15 if you count all the damned appointments that I have) so I can make it through to the summer vacation... but I'm emotionally exhausted.  I want to curl up in a ball and never get up.  Just throw a blanket over my head and close out everything.

To top it all off, my brother is still being an ass and refusing to talk to me.  He talked to my husband and said that he just feels like he has to be on "pins and needles" around me all the time.  I can only assume (and I"m pretty sure I"m right about this) that it is because of the IF.  That really bothers me... I was super supportive girl through all four of their miscarriages.  I have helped them with everything that they need, including taking 10 days off of subbing in my first year of teaching (when we really needed the money to pay for our wedding) to be there to help with their newborn daughter.  But this means nothing.  Apparently, he is uncomfortable - MY condition makes HIM uncomfortable.  He's an ass!  As I told my mother - it's pathetic when I get more support from friends and strangers than my own family!  But it's bugging me that he's still not talking to me.  I have no contact with my SIL or their kids and that bothers me.  I cried for an hour yesterday because I miss them.  Those kids are what keep me going and he's done the one thing that would hurt me most... take them away from me.

I have an appointment tomorrow night with a therapist... hopefully she can help.  I saw her speak at an event last week and others have recommended her as well... so I am thinking she should be able to help.  She went through her own battle with IF, so at least she understands.

I just want the dark clouds to go away... I miss the sunshine!

3 comments:

JB

I'm a stress shopper, too. I really hope that your appointment tonight helps you get through this dark time. You're in my thoughts.

Jenny

Funny...you and I are stressed about almost all the same things! With J not working, money is a huge one. I'm awake half the night worrying about it. I'd say we both need a holiday to unwind, but who can afford it? *sigh*

I really hope the therapist helps. Just unloading all the fears and worries on someone else is a relief. And hopefully she'll have some advice for you that will make life a little easier. Let me know how it goes.

MN

I really hope that the therapist is a good fit and can help. You really do need someone to talk to who will not be judgmental. I definitely understand the money anxiety. You're right. Quite a bit of it does come from growing up in a financially unstable home. I'm thinking of you.

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