Going to Cry Now

Well the appointment with the oncologist did not go well today.  I'm so sick of this bullshit.  I'm sorry, but I am.  I'm tired of being pushed around and left hanging by the medical community.

Basically, she said that the standard treatment for hyperplasia is very high doses of progesterone taken continuously for at least 6 months.  During that time, she wants to do biopsies at 3 and 6 months.  If the biopsy comes back clear at 3 months, we still do the additional 3 months of progesterone.  If it doesn't, we continue continue the progesterone and test again at 6 months, etc.  Basically, stay on the progesterone until we get a clear biopsy, then continue the progesterone for 3 more months after that.  THEN she wants two more 3 month biopsies without medication to come back clear before she clears us to TTC again.  Which means best-case scenario, we're looking at one year from now.

She did say that if the RE says that is ok doing fertility treatments on me after the initial three or six months, that she (the oncologist) will give her blessing.  She said her job is obviously to fix the cancer problem, and help preserve survival, not fertility, but she understood that I want to preserve that, so is willing to work with me on that.

I asked why this wasn't done last year with the other oncologist.  She said, "well, your hyperplasia was simple then".  I corrected her and told her that it was exactly the same as now.  She was shocked.  I'm wondering if I should lodge a complaint against the other oncologist for lacking to give me standard care in this case.  If he would have done standard care, we would be clear to TTC now.  I'm just so pissed off.

I spent the better part of the day crying in my car -since I was in the city.  I had to run out of Walmart in tears at one point.

To top off my fantastic day, my SIL called and my brother is in a hissy fit over an argument we had when he was drunk and I was sick of his shit.  He doesn't remember what happened other than I called him a name and now he's pissed.  His solution is to not talk to me and not let me see his kids.  They are the one thing that makes me happy and he knows that.  He's uncomfortable with the infertility and is apparently worried about "setting me off" and feels he has to "be on pins and needles" around me.  I foudn this out when my hubby called him tonight to confront him on his bullshit.  I find this to be so incredibly unfair of him.  When they were experiencing all their miscarriages, I was there, keeping them company, talking about it if they needed to.  As recently as February, when they miscarried again... I spent hours on the phone crying and talking with my SIL... but apparently, I don't deserve the same kind of respect.

So that set off another ugly cry.

So, I was suppose to be on 160 mg of Megace per day, but apparently no drug store in the city carries it.  So I went with the second option - 200 mg of Provera per day.  I've been on 10 mg per day on CD 10-24 and it brings on headaches and rage... I can only imagine what 200 mg is going to do.  This will not be pleasant people.  Not. Pleasant. At. All.

All I know is that it is enough already.  I can't take any more.  I can't keep doing this.  I'm at the end of my rope... I don't have any more emotional reserves left.  Knowing that we're going to hit four years of TTC without a baby, well it's just too much to bear. :(

Going to cry now.