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Saturday, 21 January 2012

Anger and Neglect

I've been neglectful... seriously neglectful of this blog. I honestly don't think that anyone really reads it anyway, so I sometimes think what's the point. See, I'm in the middle of a pity party at this point. I know that people read it, the wonderful comments prove that. I just haven't been the mood for blogging.

I'm angry. I'm angry about everything these days. It's all I can do to stop myself from screaming at everyone in my path. I would blame the progesterone pills, but it doesn't seem to matter what time of the month it is, I'm angry.

I'm angry because I feel broken. I feel like I'm not a real woman because I still don't have children. It occurred to me the other day that the soonest I could hope to be a mother would be the month prior to my 36th birthday. 36!! What the fuck happened to my life? When did I get to be that person who is closer to 40 than 30 or 20 for that matter? I'm angry at time. We started this journey when I was 32! We're coming up on 3 years of TTC, and it's been hell the whole time. Our entire marriage has been consumed with it. We started TTC two months before our wedding, so when I say our entire marriage, I mean it.

I'm angry because I know that there is a real chance that the March biopsy could reveal that the hyperplasia isn't gone. I wish she would have done a damned D&C so that we could have started fresh. The progesterone is causing AF, but it's so light that there is very little chance that it's reducing the lining at all. So chances are that I"m going to go for another painful test to reveal that I still have what I had in December. I'm pissed off!

I'm starting to regret my job choice. I won't go on and on about the perils of teaching - after our recent strike action, it's been made abundantly clear to me that the public does not appreciate teachers or the time we put in. I'm angry that I have no life. I spend all of my time away from school planning and marking, only to be told that I don't deserve the summer off and that two weeks at Christmas is too much, oh and that I get paid too much. All that after dealing with kids all day who think that I'm supposed to just hand them an A and they don't have to work for it. I'm angry that people judge what they don't really know.

I'm just completely angry.

I'm angry that I've let myself get so out of shape that climbing a flight of stairs winds me sometimes. I don't want to be that person. I'm angry that my husband made a pizza for lunch, but I looked at it and couldn't eat any because it would mess up the whole day's eating. Eat pizza for lunch and have rice cakes for supper? no thanks. I'm angry that my coworker eats like a pig all day and admits that she doesn't exercise, and she is skinny as a twig. I'm angry that I've undone all of the hard work I did 6 years ago when I lost 80 lbs. I'm angry that I used to be able to do 60 minutes on the elliptical at a speed of 90 and now am struggling with 15 minutes at a speed of 40.

Mostly I'm angry that I'm constantly feeling like a failure. I feel like I've let everyone down and I can't fix it. I'm so angry all the time. My poor husband is constantly at the receiving end and I feel horrible for it.

I just want life to be normal... whatever that it.

I just want to not be broken.

I just want to not be angry.

6 comments:

Evelyn

I'm reading.

I don't blame you for being angry. Infertility is a lot of crap to go through on its own, the add ons make it that much more frustrating.

Teachers do make a difference and you will figure out how to get your healthy lifestyle.

I really hope the progesterone is doing its job.

I can sympathize with feeling the time pass with nothing to show for it. I guess we have to hope that this isn't all in vain and try to get past the frustration and unfairness of it all.

Sunflower

I am reading too.
Sorry that you are feeling angry and unappreciated at work. This whole IF madness is all consuming and it chews us up and spits us out. At least that is how I feel. I also know how difficult it to to see years pass by and still be at the starting line. It sucks!

ADSchill

I understand anger. I have a lot of the same feelings about infertility, the time spent trying and getting nowhere, and the weight gain. It's all so hard on your mind and relationship.
After my twins died I had more anger toward life than I think I ever have. I still feel a lot of that sometimes.
I think it's okay to feel it as long as you don't let it overtake you all of the time. Process it when you need to and then find something that makes you smile for even an hour at a time.
I operate on one hour to one day at a time now. Do what you can and keep your focus on what you want, but take time to do things for yourself and for your marriage.
It's all we can do.
MissConception

M

I'm reading, too. And I'm always here for you, even if you don't feel like blogging your feelings.

I understand your anger and frustration. I think it's very normal, given all that you've been through and are continuing to go through. You need a reprieve from all of this and I really wish I could give it to you.

*hugs*

MN

Oh sweetie, I am sorry that you are feeling so hurt and frustrated by everything. I know that I was a true and total bitch on progesterone after my IUI's. I wanted to scream and yell and strangle someone- really not allowed at school. I do understand your frustration with people's understanding of our job. I always want to tell people who complain about teachers to feel free to come try it for a week. I'm sorry that TTC'ing is such a painful, stressful part of your life. Those outside this world can not understand how much it controls our thoughts and emotions. Feel free to vent here. This is your safe place. I'm also available by email.

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