Needing to lighten up...

I need to lighten up... in many ways!

As my post yesterday made clear, I"m very very angry. It's not just that I'm angry within, I'm angry from an outward point of view... as in viciously angry. Little things set me off. I want to yell and scream and throw things. I feel my blood boil up at a moment's notice, and I want to lose it. I get to that head-spinning, heart-pounding type of anger very easily. Today it was because the cat had tried again to climb the Christmas tree that I have yet to take down. I honestly had to stop my urges to pick him up and throw him out of the house. I feel like a horrible person. My life just feels like it has been has been taken over by a monster that I can't get rid of. I just want to be normal. I want that so badly!

So I need to lighten up. I need to relax and learn how to take things one day at a time. I need to figure out how to live my life if things don't work out for me. If I don't get what I want, can I survive it? Lots of women do, but I'm not sure how they do it. I don't know if I could do it.

Part of my problem now is that I know that my administrator is retiring at the end of the year this year. The hope is that the vP will take over the role of principal, but if she doesn't get the position, then what? I know it's stupid to worry about what I can't control, but my fear involves the past experience I've had in this school division. My first job was pure hell. I hated myself and cried at least five times a day at work. I cried all the way to work and all the way home each day. The principal was a horrible human being and she took out everything on me. She tried to get to my current administrator against me, but she failed at doing that. He's a great guy, and I'm worried that the next admin might not be strong enough to resist her. If I end up with an admin who is against me, then being able to handle my job is going to be horribly impossible. I think that's another reason why work has been so hard to handle lately.

I mentioned the body issues yesterday. Six years ago I had lost 80 lbs on W.eight W.atchers. I was a maniac. I was seriously hard-core on it. By the time that I met my husband, I was going to the gym for at least an hour every night, and I don't think that I was off plan more than once or twice in the whole 5 months that I was on the plan. I had a friend who was doing it with me, so that made it easier. I remember that one day, I was going to my friend's bachelorette party. I wanted to have fun and drink and eat, so I spent nearly three hours at the gym that morning to burn off enough that I could enjoy myself. Three hours of hard working on the elliptical... I was a maniac! But it paid off. I lost 80 lbs and went down about four clothing sizes.

So, now I've started up again. I've been on it for two weeks, and have been gradually increasing the time on the elliptical. I have been staying on plan and working out every day. I am not supposed to weigh myself until tomorrow but I cheated and did a weigh in this morning. I am down 10 lbs so far. Still a long way to go, but 10 lbs is still 10 lbs. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be down another pound, but if not, that's still 10 lbs. So, one day at a time, and hopefully I can lighten up in a weight sort of way as well.

My biggest hope, of course, is that by losing a bunch of weight, it will help with the TTC thing. Even though I have not been specifically told by any doctor, I've read enough to know that excess weight can interfere with conception and ovulation. If I keep this up, I could be down about 40 lbs by the time that I have to go for the biopsy, and hopefully that will help. I also know that I don't want to be pregnant with and extra 100 lbs on my frame.

Now, if I can just stick with it.