The Weigh In

Well, I weighed myself this morning. Down another 7.6 lbs. That's 12.8 lbs gone in two weeks.

I know that's a lot for two weeks, but this is pretty typical of me on the start of the program. The first time (the most successful time) that I was on the program, I lost 18 the first week and 11 the second. I find that by about week 4 it levels off to about 2-3 lbs per week which is much healthier.

I woke up with a nasty backache this morning - don't know why - did I sleep wrong?? How does someone sleep wrong anyway? There is a comedian out there who does this bit about sleeping wrong, about how when does someone forget how to sleep? It's funny stuff and I think of it everytime that I wake up in pain. Tylenol fixed the pain, but it was the first time in months that I've had a backache. Maybe it's time to go back to the chiro again.

I'm currently watching Hoarders and sitting under a pile of marking... guess it's time to get to work.

Needing to lighten up...

I need to lighten up... in many ways!

As my post yesterday made clear, I"m very very angry. It's not just that I'm angry within, I'm angry from an outward point of view... as in viciously angry. Little things set me off. I want to yell and scream and throw things. I feel my blood boil up at a moment's notice, and I want to lose it. I get to that head-spinning, heart-pounding type of anger very easily. Today it was because the cat had tried again to climb the Christmas tree that I have yet to take down. I honestly had to stop my urges to pick him up and throw him out of the house. I feel like a horrible person. My life just feels like it has been has been taken over by a monster that I can't get rid of. I just want to be normal. I want that so badly!

So I need to lighten up. I need to relax and learn how to take things one day at a time. I need to figure out how to live my life if things don't work out for me. If I don't get what I want, can I survive it? Lots of women do, but I'm not sure how they do it. I don't know if I could do it.

Part of my problem now is that I know that my administrator is retiring at the end of the year this year. The hope is that the vP will take over the role of principal, but if she doesn't get the position, then what? I know it's stupid to worry about what I can't control, but my fear involves the past experience I've had in this school division. My first job was pure hell. I hated myself and cried at least five times a day at work. I cried all the way to work and all the way home each day. The principal was a horrible human being and she took out everything on me. She tried to get to my current administrator against me, but she failed at doing that. He's a great guy, and I'm worried that the next admin might not be strong enough to resist her. If I end up with an admin who is against me, then being able to handle my job is going to be horribly impossible. I think that's another reason why work has been so hard to handle lately.

I mentioned the body issues yesterday. Six years ago I had lost 80 lbs on W.eight W.atchers. I was a maniac. I was seriously hard-core on it. By the time that I met my husband, I was going to the gym for at least an hour every night, and I don't think that I was off plan more than once or twice in the whole 5 months that I was on the plan. I had a friend who was doing it with me, so that made it easier. I remember that one day, I was going to my friend's bachelorette party. I wanted to have fun and drink and eat, so I spent nearly three hours at the gym that morning to burn off enough that I could enjoy myself. Three hours of hard working on the elliptical... I was a maniac! But it paid off. I lost 80 lbs and went down about four clothing sizes.

So, now I've started up again. I've been on it for two weeks, and have been gradually increasing the time on the elliptical. I have been staying on plan and working out every day. I am not supposed to weigh myself until tomorrow but I cheated and did a weigh in this morning. I am down 10 lbs so far. Still a long way to go, but 10 lbs is still 10 lbs. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be down another pound, but if not, that's still 10 lbs. So, one day at a time, and hopefully I can lighten up in a weight sort of way as well.

My biggest hope, of course, is that by losing a bunch of weight, it will help with the TTC thing. Even though I have not been specifically told by any doctor, I've read enough to know that excess weight can interfere with conception and ovulation. If I keep this up, I could be down about 40 lbs by the time that I have to go for the biopsy, and hopefully that will help. I also know that I don't want to be pregnant with and extra 100 lbs on my frame.

Now, if I can just stick with it.

Anger and Neglect

I've been neglectful... seriously neglectful of this blog. I honestly don't think that anyone really reads it anyway, so I sometimes think what's the point. See, I'm in the middle of a pity party at this point. I know that people read it, the wonderful comments prove that. I just haven't been the mood for blogging.

I'm angry. I'm angry about everything these days. It's all I can do to stop myself from screaming at everyone in my path. I would blame the progesterone pills, but it doesn't seem to matter what time of the month it is, I'm angry.

I'm angry because I feel broken. I feel like I'm not a real woman because I still don't have children. It occurred to me the other day that the soonest I could hope to be a mother would be the month prior to my 36th birthday. 36!! What the fuck happened to my life? When did I get to be that person who is closer to 40 than 30 or 20 for that matter? I'm angry at time. We started this journey when I was 32! We're coming up on 3 years of TTC, and it's been hell the whole time. Our entire marriage has been consumed with it. We started TTC two months before our wedding, so when I say our entire marriage, I mean it.

I'm angry because I know that there is a real chance that the March biopsy could reveal that the hyperplasia isn't gone. I wish she would have done a damned D&C so that we could have started fresh. The progesterone is causing AF, but it's so light that there is very little chance that it's reducing the lining at all. So chances are that I"m going to go for another painful test to reveal that I still have what I had in December. I'm pissed off!

I'm starting to regret my job choice. I won't go on and on about the perils of teaching - after our recent strike action, it's been made abundantly clear to me that the public does not appreciate teachers or the time we put in. I'm angry that I have no life. I spend all of my time away from school planning and marking, only to be told that I don't deserve the summer off and that two weeks at Christmas is too much, oh and that I get paid too much. All that after dealing with kids all day who think that I'm supposed to just hand them an A and they don't have to work for it. I'm angry that people judge what they don't really know.

I'm just completely angry.

I'm angry that I've let myself get so out of shape that climbing a flight of stairs winds me sometimes. I don't want to be that person. I'm angry that my husband made a pizza for lunch, but I looked at it and couldn't eat any because it would mess up the whole day's eating. Eat pizza for lunch and have rice cakes for supper? no thanks. I'm angry that my coworker eats like a pig all day and admits that she doesn't exercise, and she is skinny as a twig. I'm angry that I've undone all of the hard work I did 6 years ago when I lost 80 lbs. I'm angry that I used to be able to do 60 minutes on the elliptical at a speed of 90 and now am struggling with 15 minutes at a speed of 40.

Mostly I'm angry that I'm constantly feeling like a failure. I feel like I've let everyone down and I can't fix it. I'm so angry all the time. My poor husband is constantly at the receiving end and I feel horrible for it.

I just want life to be normal... whatever that it.

I just want to not be broken.

I just want to not be angry.