Decisions, decisions

Yesterday and today have been painful to say the least. It's reminding me of the way that I was feeling a year ago when the hyperplasia was in full swing. I will warn you now that some of the next couple of paragraphs may fall under the "too much information" category... read at your own risk.

By yesterday morning, my flow was very heavy. I had a great day of walking gingerly down to the washroom every hour or so as I felt a large clot trying to pass. I learned the hard way last year that if I move too fast at this point, I better have a change of clothes handy. So yesterday I was in a great amount of pain... LOTS of heavy cramping to accompany the heavy flow and large clots. I was up every 20 minutes last night for a few hours because of it. So frustrating.

Today was pretty bad this morning. Basically we're talking a flow that is heavy enough to fill a super-plus tampon and a backup heavy flow (overnight) pad in about an hour. That may sound bad, but given that last year at this time, I was having to change out every 20 minutes... 1-2 hours doesn't sound too bad. By this afternoon the cramps had subsided, so that's good. I even got a bit of a nap. The worst was that I couldn't find my hot water bottle, so at a point when heat would have really helped, I had none. My cat must have sensed that I needed help, because he climbed under the blankets and wiggled his way onto my stomach where he laid and purred the whole naptime.

So, right now, I'm not doing too badly in that area. The cramping is gone and I think that the flow is starting to lighten up a bit... I hope.

Tomorrow I"m off to spend the rest of the weekend with one of my closest friends who I haven't seen in nearly two months. Her husband and kids are going away for the weekend, so we're doing a girls' night.

Emotionally I'm doing a bit better. Still freaking out about the hysterosonogram, but I guess if I could get through the biopsies and HSG, I can survive this one too. Of course I'll survive, it's all in how much pain I'll have. I'm a total wimp. Of course women go through worse pain everyday, but for me, this completely sucks! I keep hearing, well it could be worse, or childbirth is worse, etc... but you know what.... for me this is shitty! I don't care how much worse it could be, the fact is that I'm going through this now. Right now, this is the worst that it could be. Right now, I have to deal with THIS! And it's not fair. It's not fair at all! Yes, I'm pouting a bit over all of this.

I think that hubby and I came to a decision today... no, not think, I know we did. After a lot of talking and soul-searching, we sent an email to the provincial adoption organization to find out what the first steps are to get our names on the list for a domestic adoption. We'd be willing to do international, but we're a bit financially disadvantaged to do that. Don't get me wrong... we are financially stable and can easily afford to raise a child or three, but to afford the costs of an international adoption? Not for a few more years. In the meantime, we can get all the paperwork and interviews, etc done for domestic adoption, and maybe, just maybe, a teenager gets knocked up and chooses us for her baby's parents. The bonus... there is no cost other than things like medical paperwork, criminal record checks, etc. I figured out the approximate costs for us, and it should be less than $200 to complete all of that.

So I sent the email and we'll see what the next steps are. Until today I honestly never felt really ready to take this step... I'm rather at peace with it now.

This whole medical issue resurfacing has really made me evaluate what I want... and while I desperately want to be pregnant, I want to be a parent more.

An Insult, an injury, and a slap in the face!

So, I woke up this morning and had a low temp (36.09) which is not a good thing. I figured after yesterday's cramping, this was not going to be a good day. I was right!

Before I could take the HPT, I discovered that AF showed up during the night. So yeah, not pregnant. That was bad enough.

This morning, I snuck out of my class to make a call to the OB/GYN to arrange my next follicle tracking ultrasound. They were supposed to call me back with a date/time, so when the call came in, I wasn't concerned. I should have been.

On the line wasn't my OB/GYN's receptionist... it was the OB/GYN, Dr. B.

Dr. B said that she called because she had just gotten the ultrasound back from my post-ovulation ultrasound. She said that there seemed to be some problem with the lining. It was way too thick and she wanted to know if I ever got a follow-up biopsy since the one that I got back in May. I told her I hadn't, since Dr. A (the oncologist) told me to call him for one in November. She said that the results from the ultrasound showed thickened lining and irregularities. And she said that she recently got the results of the HSG in which the radiologist apparently stated that there were irregularlities in the lining. They thought that these might be post-operative changes after the D&C, but there was also discussion of them being polyps.

So Dr. B gave me the bad news... she needs to do ANOTHER test. I am scheduled for a hysterosonogram on Monday morning. Apparently this procedure involves a catheter being inserted into the cervix, through which she inserts saline solution to expand the uterus. Then they do a trans-vaginal ultrasound to determine any abnormalities in the uterine lining/wall.

Following that, Dr. B said she may want to do another biopsy. And if there are polyps, then I will need surgery to remove them. Of course, they might come back precancerous, or cancerous. If they are cancerous, then the only option is a hysterectomy. I'm so not ready for that.

I was hoping that at Christmas, I would be able to announce to the family that we would be adding to it. Now, it seems that there is a possibility that I might be recovering from a hysterectomy and dealing with the emotional side-effects of that. I really don't know if I can handle that.

I'm really struggling with all of this...

I don't know if I can handle the pain of anything else. Every test seems to be more and more painful. I nearly passed out at the HSG, and was in shock afterward. I don't know if I can handle the pain of another test. I'm sure that I can't handle another biopsy. I know that I won't be able to handle a hysterectomy... I might end up in a psych ward for that one... no joke.

I broke down twice in classes today. During my grade 5 English class I ran out of the room and into the bathroom where I sat for 5 minutes hyperventilating and bawling. Along the way I ran into one of my colleagues and later I went to apologize for my emotional state. She said something that complete triggered the tears again, and then she gave me a big hug and just sat there and listened while I cried and spilled my guts. It was kinda nice to get it off my chest to someone there... She is having her own issues with fertility and while she's not trying to conceive, she shared some concerns she has about when she does want to conceive in a few years.

I cried most of the way home, and I really feel empty today. I have nasty cramps like I haven't had in years - and since I now have a wonderful allergy to ibuprofin, nothing seems to help them. It's a nice reminder of all the crap that I have to look forward to.

How the hell am I going to get through all of this??

Optimism? yeah, it just left with Elvis.

I'm thinking that this cycle may be a bust. All day I've been having a weird, full cramping feeling in my uterus. Sure, it could be pregnancy, but it's likelier that it's AF showing up. I discovered something very strange today too - EWCM. Never had that in the second half of my cycle before... but then again, I'm not sure I've ever had an ovulatory cycle since jr. high. So who knows what that means. All my research has told me that it could be a sign of early pregnancy as the body starts to form the mucous plug, or it could be a sign that AF is about to show up...

Why are so many early pregnancy signs also a sign of AF? It's ridiculous and not fair. I wish I could be that person who just happened to get pregnant and figured out I was because, oops, I hadn't had a period in over 8 weeks. I can't imagine not realising that I missed a period. But I know that the IF has made me hypersensitive to everything that happens in my body, particularly in the reproductive area.

Anyway, I'll do another HPT tomorrow and hopefully get a BFP, but I"m not counting on it. Tomorrow will be 14 DPO, so I'm thinking if it isn't ++ tomorrow, it's probably not going to be.

My fingers are very lightly crossed... my optimism has pretty much left the building.

Okay, I caved

I took an HPT today. I couldn't wait any longer. I am only 11 DPO, but with three days of consistently higher than high temps, and what looks like a triphasic chart to me, I had to do it.

The results: BFN

But I'm not concerned. I get that I'm only 11 DPO and the chances of it showing a positive this early is limited. The good thing is that at least I know that the HCG trigger is out of my system so any BFP that I might get in a few days is the real thing.

So, now I just have to sit back and not hyperfocus on the pregnancy thing for the next three days while I wait to test again.

I plan to test again on 14 DPO - which will be Wednesday. Hopefully that will give me some positive news!

On a completely unrelated note - woke up in a Winter Wonderland this morning - snow everywhere - it apparently snowed all night. I hate winter so much! Sure, it's pretty, but it's cold, wet, and makes driving hell! I honestly wish that we got snow on Christmas Eve and it went away on Boxing Day... but at least it waiting until November this time. That's something to be thankful for. So tomorrow will be an interesting trip to work - we never know what the highway will look like in the winter - if it doesn't snow more tonight, we'll hopefully be ok for driving... I hate winter!

Psychosomatic? Let's hope not...

So on Wednesday, around mid-afternoon I started to have a weird, almost warm, feeling in my stomach. Not my uterus, but my stomach. It was slightly nauseating, but nothing that made me run for a washroom. Yesterday, around 11:00, I had a wave of nausea flood over me. Again, nothing major, just that feeling of needing to evaluate whether I needed to be in a washroom or would it be fine. It went away as quickly as it came, and reappeared about five minutes later. I bought a puff-wheat cake at the school canteen and ate it slowly and I felt much better.

As much as I don't want to be hit with morning sickness, I would be fine if this was a result of pregnancy, and if this is as bad as it gets. I realise if it is sickness that it will get worse, but I really hope it's a sign of pregnancy. fingers crossed

Then, this morning, I woke up and took my BBT. I've been watching it like a hawk this cycle - hoping it is normal. It's been above the coverline for the entire time past ovulation. Today is 9 DPO. This morning's temp jumped about .2 degrees celcius from where it has been... 36.67. That's SOOO high for me. The highest temp I've had in the past 7 months of temping has been only 36.6. So, naturally I hope that it's the start of a triphasic chart happening.

There is just so much maybe with all of this that it's starting to make me mental. Every time I tell my husband what's going on, he thinks it's funny that the female body is so confusing. He told me yesterday that with everything that I've told him, he can't help but be excited that this time it's working.

I'm cautiously optimistic...

Is it? Is it not?

All day I've had tight, full, crampy feelings in my uterus area. In one specific spot there have been little shooting pains - always in the same spot. It doesn't really hurt much. It is pretty mild compared to what I've gone through in the past. In fact, I have a toe that is hurting more because I stepped on something sharp last night. But that doesn't stop the fact that it's still there.

I am really hoping that this is the start of something good. The way I figure it, it could be one of two things:

1. Implantation
2. A short luteal phase and the precursor to AF

I'm really hoping for the first one as you can imagine! I was reading another blog out where the writer stated that they had this type of feeling starting about a week before their BFP. I'm at 6dpo, so I'm hoping that's what's going on here.

I really don't know how I'm going to deal with it if I get a BFN this cycle. It's been so long and we've already been through so much. At this point, everything is set up perfectly and it's all on nature... I just hope Mother Nature has stopped hating me so much! Hubby and I had a conversation tonight about what he is to do if I do get a BFN. He's convinced that even if it's negative, it's still a good sign, because it made everything except pregnancy happen. He's right, of course, but I told him that that's not what I am going to want to hear. Even though I will know that it's true intellectually, emotionally I just want him to hug me while I cry it out. Luckily he is amazing and said "ok, you want me to sit there and just shut the f--- up ... I can do that".

Hopefully we won't have to deal with that, but at least if we do, we've laid the groundwork for the communication and support side of it.

Weird Coverlines

I've been using Taking Charge of Your Fertility primarily to chart my BBT. I have been charting using that since January and never had a normal looking cycle until now. Go figure! Apparently when you don't ovulate, you don't have a normal cycle... who knew haha.

So, this month, with the Clomid, my cycle actually looks mostly normal. The pre-fertile part of my cycle jumps around a lot, but once I hit the fertile part of my cycle, it looks completely normal, and when that part was done it did a jump after ovulation and has stayed there for the past 6 days.

What was very strange was that my coverline in TCOYF was set at 36.53. This seemed odd for me. It seemed really high! My average temps are usually around 36.2, sometimes dropping as low as 35.6. Seriously, that low! I looked it up and if you have temps below 36.1, you are borderline hypothermic. Should I be worried... probably not.

However, with my temps typically this low, having a coverline that is so high is weird. The highest temp that I've tracked in the past 10 months has only been 36.6, so setting the coverline nearly that high seems odd.

A friend suggested that I try out fertilityfriend to see if it agreed. So I last night, I put my temps from this cycle into the fertilityfriend website. It came back saying that I definitely ovulated (something that TCOYF won't do) and that my coverline is 36.3. That seems more normal.

So, then this morning, TCOYF dropped my coverline to 36.42 - better, but still not great.

But, based on fertilityfriend, I have six temps above the coverline now and I am 6dpo. Now to just be patient for another 8 days.

Oh, it's going to be a long wait.