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Sunday, 26 August 2012

Supportive Drama - Update

 I don't know if I've mentioned this before - I probably have - but I'm a member of a "secret" facebook group for women who are dealing with IF.  I discovered it on the WTE boards.  One of the Canadian members mentioned it and I thought it would be great!  I joined up and it was really supportive... initially.

Lately it's turned into an almost painful experience.  Six of the 24 women in the group have gotten BFPs in the last couple of months, so now we're seeing constant pee sticks from women looking for confirmation - and by constant I mean three or four a day for two weeks.  Ultrasound pics, pregnancy stories, etc, all taking up the newsfeed.  It's gotten to the point where I feel horrible even checking it out.

I'm almost at the point where I am ready to drop out of it because I just don't know if I can handle seeing more of this happy pregnancy stuff.

Yesterday someone posted something about feeling alone and wanting to know who else was NOT pregnant.  There were quite a few of us.  This led to another post by the group's admin.  She asked if another group should be started to accomodate the women who had gotten their BFPs.  In the spirit of honesty I said that I thought it was a good idea and that while I didn't harbour any ill will to the women who had gotten their BFP, I often feel upset after checking out the group because of the sheer number of pregnancy posts.

One women responded to what I had said by saying that she was offended and didn't want to be in another group, that this group had been so supportive and she wanted to stay.

That's great that the group has been supportive, but it was for a different purpose!

It reminds me of the infertility support group that I go to.  About two-three months ago, one of the members showed up and told us about her IUI and then went on to say that she was pregnant.  Great.  Congratulations.  I don't harbour ill will, but I can't be happy for her.  It might sound horrible, but there are about three people in my real life who I could be truly happy for in that case.  I spent the next month worried that we were going to have to deal with her pregnancy for the next eight months worth of meetings.  She hasn't come back  since, and I overheard the leader telling someone that she heard she was doing well, so that's good... and at least she's not coming back so that we have to see it each month.  For the record, I am not the only one in the group who feels this way.

I know that I sound like a total bitch, but I feel that support comes in certain types.  When you are gathering your support from a group of women dealing with infertility, don't expect support from the same group when you are pregnant.  It is like a slap in the face to those of us still TTC, particularly if we've been TTC for a very long time.  I know that no amount of IF is pleasurable, but when you have to listen to the pregnancy stories, ultrasounds, etc of someone who has been TTC only a few months... it's even more painful.

I know it's self-pity, but it's there none-the-less.  I just don't understand how those who are pregnant now can't understand that it might be painful for those of us not there yet.

So, as for the FB group - I don't know what's going to happen.  If the drama continues I might just leave it.  I guess we'll see.

*****
Update:  So after a lot of back and forth in the group, nearly every woman who is currently pregnant complained that they were offended and saw the group as a support system that they didn't want to leave.  A couple of us said how it was painful to see constant pee sticks and ultrasounds and discussions of betas and morning sickness.  That resulted in complaints that we needed to remember that some of them had been TTC for a very long time and we should see it as a sign that it's possible.  Well, not one of them has my condition, so I don 't see it as hope, I see it as someone else getting what I want and shoving it in my face.

The final decision by the group's admin was that most of the members wanted things left as is, so that's how it would stay.  Now I need to decide if I can keep seeing it all, or if I should just give it up completely.  I don't know if I can keep reading all those posts.  My hope is that maybe those who are pregnant will realise that their posts are hurtful and cut back on them... hopefully.

4 comments:

futuresupermom

I completely agree with you. Newly pregnant people probably do need a new forum to post, because it does really hurt those of us not pregnant and besides, it takes away from the whole purpose of the group in the first place! I know it's a touchy subject but I'm with you on that one. I was going to ask the name of the facebook
Group and join, but maybe I won't!

MN

It is hard. While I do understand people feeling connected to a certain group, they should remember the pain and not shove their happiness in everyone else's face constantly. My frustration over reading the endless good news of others is why I stopped reading the four message boards I used to read.

Evelyn

WTF, they are offended. It's not AA. Inspiration isn't going to get you pregnant. You are not a bitch and you are not suffering from self-pity. I understand that some of them may have suffered from infertility for a long time but they aren't any longer, it's time to move to a new group for pregnancy after infertility. The group had a purpose and it now the purpose has changed. They should really be more sensitive to this.

Oh, and I'm with futuresupermom, I was going to ask about the group but wouldn't join now anyway.

Jenny

I can understand these ladies wanting to stay in the group because they've formed relationships with the other members and have found them to be a great support system, but they also need to be sensitive to the feelings of those who are still in the trenches. It's not as if you can avoid reading their posts when you're subscribed to the group. And if you hid the posts from the group, what would be the point in belonging?

Quite honestly, I would be inclined to leave the group, and perhaps start a new one for those who find it too painful to remain in the old group. And if you start a new one, I know of at least three new people who would join. :)

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