First of all, I am asking that you all send out your prayers and well wishes to Mo. After a long struggle TTC, she is now facing her precious baby boy at 23 weeks - so close to the line of viability, but so far away. I'm still holding out hope that she will get her miracle and her precious baby boy will be able to fight and beat the odds. It's happened before. Babies born as early as 22 weeks have survived against all odds. Please send your prayers that this precious little boy will be one of them.
Life isn't fair sometimes. I'm discovering that more and more. I've been on my own emotional roller coaster. As you know, in the last two weeks I've found out that my sister-in-law and two of my cousins are expecting. Then last night I called my brother to wish him happy birthday (yes, our birthdays are a day apart). What I heard from him is not what I had expected.
Apparently, on Thursday, my SIL started having mild spotting. She called the doctor who said not to fret too much, just stay on bed rest. On Saturday, she woke up to "period-like" bleeding and clots passing. She said she was sure it was a miscarriage, so off they went to the hospital. When they got to their local hospital, they discovered that she was dilated 3 cm, and told her that she had miscarried. They sent her to the city to get checked by her specialist - they were worried that she hadn't passed everything.
When they got to the city, they did blood tests and checked her again - her cervix had closed up completely, and her blood tests, and the pee stick showed that she was still pregnant. They tried to do an ultrasound, but the specialist said that she rarely finds anything on a 7 week ultrasound, but in her opinion, my SIL was still pregnant. She told her to go home and stay in bed for a few days.
SIL told me that she went home expecting to continue with a miscarriage. She got up Sunday, expecting all the pain, etc, and it never came. She said that Sunday, there wasn't even a spot, and no pain at all.
On Tuesday, she goes back for blood tests - provided that the levels haven't dropped from Saturday, they are going to call it still viable. Then on Thursday, she goes for an 8 week ultrasound and hopefully they find a viable fetus.
As SIL said, she's miscarried 3 times previously, and this is nothing like any of those times.
The specialist said that if there is still a viable pregnancy, then this is one of two things... either she has an incompetent cervix issue starting and they will stitch it, or she was pregnant with twins and miscarried one of them, but her body is still holding onto the other one.
So, if you have an extra prayer to send out, I ask that you please send one to my brother and SIL for a healthy viable pregnancy, and good results on the tests tomorrow.
As much as this pregnancy has made me somewhat sad and jealous, this is still my niece or nephew and I am struggling so much with the idea that this might end before I can even be ok with it. I feel awful for having anything other than positive feelings about this pregnancy. I haven't ever wished them harm, I just haven't been able to enjoy this pregnancy and celebrate it like I have all of her other pregnancies.
I just hope beyond hope that her results are good tomorrow...
Monday, 20 February 2012
Saturday, 18 February 2012
My New Love
I finally went to the new Sephora store in the city. It's been open for a while, but I hadn't gotten there yet - primarily because it's in the big mall downtown and it's a pain to get to, plus that mall gets crazy busy on weekends.
Anyway, today hubby suggested that we go shopping for the afternoon... he knows me so well :)
We went to the big mall and I checked out Sephora while he went on the hunt for video games. After telling him I'd meet him in 15 minutes, I walked out of the store nearly 45 minutes later and about $100 poorer. I got some great stuff though... I could spend hours in there. I got some philosophy body wash. I had some years ago as a gift, but haven't been able to get it in this province (as far as I know). I got some great lip stuff and some eye shadows. Oh, and some dry shampoo (I have very oily roots, but the rest of my hair is super dry and so fine - if I wash every day it gets brittle and frizzy, but if I don't, my roots look disgusting... hence dry shampoo for the roots). This dry shampoo is actually meant for dark hair, so that's good - the typical stuff often leaves my hair looking like I'm going grey.
So, a very successful shopping trip. I think I love that store. Even better was that when I signed up for a points card, they asked when my birthday was. When I said "today". She got all giddy and said "Oh, I NEVER get to give out the birthday gifts - other people always get birthday customers... you just made my day". She gave me a lip duo from "Sugar". It's pretty good stuff (lip moisturizer, and a tinted lip moisturizer and it tastes like lemonade!)
Hubby also followed me around a couple of department stores where I ended up getting five tops for about $70 total. I paid full price for one of them, but the rest were all less than $10.
For supper, my inlaws took us out for seafood - it was so good... and I'm so full!!! I came home and collapsed on the couch!
Tomorrow I"m going to have a much needed girl's day with a friend who also needs a day off from her crazy family who have gone skiing. We're actually going to have a sleepover - stay up late, watch movies, etc. Should be fun!
All in all it was a pretty good day. I nearly cried when we were waiting to be seated for supper and the woman standing right across from me was pregnant. She kept rubbing her stomach and was so happy. It made me sad. I know that it shouldn't. And I know that I don't know her story. If I'm lucky, I could be that woman in a few months and someone could be sad because of my situation. Who knows, maybe that woman was pregnant after years of pain of IF. But in my mind, that wasn't true and I was sad... even if only for a few minutes... it's impossible to escape it completely.
---------
I just remembered something funny that happened while shopping though. We were walking by one store and my husband pointed out this little onesie (diaper-shirt). He said "when you get pregnant, I'm buying that one". It had the following saying on it... "I'm cute, my mom's cute, my dad's ... lucky!!!" It made me giggle a bit. :)
Anyway, today hubby suggested that we go shopping for the afternoon... he knows me so well :)
We went to the big mall and I checked out Sephora while he went on the hunt for video games. After telling him I'd meet him in 15 minutes, I walked out of the store nearly 45 minutes later and about $100 poorer. I got some great stuff though... I could spend hours in there. I got some philosophy body wash. I had some years ago as a gift, but haven't been able to get it in this province (as far as I know). I got some great lip stuff and some eye shadows. Oh, and some dry shampoo (I have very oily roots, but the rest of my hair is super dry and so fine - if I wash every day it gets brittle and frizzy, but if I don't, my roots look disgusting... hence dry shampoo for the roots). This dry shampoo is actually meant for dark hair, so that's good - the typical stuff often leaves my hair looking like I'm going grey.
So, a very successful shopping trip. I think I love that store. Even better was that when I signed up for a points card, they asked when my birthday was. When I said "today". She got all giddy and said "Oh, I NEVER get to give out the birthday gifts - other people always get birthday customers... you just made my day". She gave me a lip duo from "Sugar". It's pretty good stuff (lip moisturizer, and a tinted lip moisturizer and it tastes like lemonade!)
Hubby also followed me around a couple of department stores where I ended up getting five tops for about $70 total. I paid full price for one of them, but the rest were all less than $10.
For supper, my inlaws took us out for seafood - it was so good... and I'm so full!!! I came home and collapsed on the couch!
Tomorrow I"m going to have a much needed girl's day with a friend who also needs a day off from her crazy family who have gone skiing. We're actually going to have a sleepover - stay up late, watch movies, etc. Should be fun!
All in all it was a pretty good day. I nearly cried when we were waiting to be seated for supper and the woman standing right across from me was pregnant. She kept rubbing her stomach and was so happy. It made me sad. I know that it shouldn't. And I know that I don't know her story. If I'm lucky, I could be that woman in a few months and someone could be sad because of my situation. Who knows, maybe that woman was pregnant after years of pain of IF. But in my mind, that wasn't true and I was sad... even if only for a few minutes... it's impossible to escape it completely.
---------
I just remembered something funny that happened while shopping though. We were walking by one store and my husband pointed out this little onesie (diaper-shirt). He said "when you get pregnant, I'm buying that one". It had the following saying on it... "I'm cute, my mom's cute, my dad's ... lucky!!!" It made me giggle a bit. :)
da da dum....
key the ominous music.
Today is my birthday! Happy Birthday to me! I have now hit that age where every appointment I have is going to be cursed with the prefunctory age comments.
Today I am 35. No longer am I considered to be within safe, baby-making age limits.
We all know that 35 is the magic age where your chances to conceive drop, and your chances of complications and birth defects go up.
I hate getting older! My cousin said that last year she went to the fertility clinic one month before her birthday and nothing was said, then a month later, two days after her 40th, they started telling her all the horrors of TTC after 40. She just laughed and said if the horrors weren't there for the past month, then why bring them up now.
Yesterday I had a day of medicals. We managed to pack six appointments into one day - chiro, dentist, and GP for me; optometrist, dentist, and GP for hubby. This is what I got out of them...
1. Chiro really does help my back problems, and I really shouldn't wait four months between appointments (my chiro was on mat leave, so I just didn't bother going to anyone else).
2. I still hate going to the dentist. Actually, it's the dental hygienists that I hate! This one had zero sympathy - at one point I was shaking and actually had tears rolling down my face and she wouldn't stop for a few seconds for me to calm down. I have a bad history with dental procedures. I did really like the dentist - he was very nice (and actually cute too), but I still hate trips to the dentist. I have to go back in three weeks to get a few fillings - not impressed. We're going to try to do it without freezing because I don't take freezing well and those needles hurt worse than the drilling. He said if I was willing to try, he was. Frankly, if I can handle an endometrial biopsy without medication, then a filling should be a breeze.
3. my GP is awesome, but really willing to do anything without question. She just wrote a bunch of prescriptions for me and sent me for a bunch of tests - so that's the plan for later this week, to get those done. Hopefully we find something so that this exhaustion goes away.
So, I got a lot done yesterday and then went shopping today... bought way too much, but hey, it's my birthday so it's ok... right??
Today is my birthday! Happy Birthday to me! I have now hit that age where every appointment I have is going to be cursed with the prefunctory age comments.
Today I am 35. No longer am I considered to be within safe, baby-making age limits.
We all know that 35 is the magic age where your chances to conceive drop, and your chances of complications and birth defects go up.
I hate getting older! My cousin said that last year she went to the fertility clinic one month before her birthday and nothing was said, then a month later, two days after her 40th, they started telling her all the horrors of TTC after 40. She just laughed and said if the horrors weren't there for the past month, then why bring them up now.
Yesterday I had a day of medicals. We managed to pack six appointments into one day - chiro, dentist, and GP for me; optometrist, dentist, and GP for hubby. This is what I got out of them...
1. Chiro really does help my back problems, and I really shouldn't wait four months between appointments (my chiro was on mat leave, so I just didn't bother going to anyone else).
2. I still hate going to the dentist. Actually, it's the dental hygienists that I hate! This one had zero sympathy - at one point I was shaking and actually had tears rolling down my face and she wouldn't stop for a few seconds for me to calm down. I have a bad history with dental procedures. I did really like the dentist - he was very nice (and actually cute too), but I still hate trips to the dentist. I have to go back in three weeks to get a few fillings - not impressed. We're going to try to do it without freezing because I don't take freezing well and those needles hurt worse than the drilling. He said if I was willing to try, he was. Frankly, if I can handle an endometrial biopsy without medication, then a filling should be a breeze.
3. my GP is awesome, but really willing to do anything without question. She just wrote a bunch of prescriptions for me and sent me for a bunch of tests - so that's the plan for later this week, to get those done. Hopefully we find something so that this exhaustion goes away.
So, I got a lot done yesterday and then went shopping today... bought way too much, but hey, it's my birthday so it's ok... right??
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
That's it... I quit!
I talked to my grandmother tonight...
Apparently, one of my cousins on the other side of my family is pregnant and due at the end of June.
Just kill me now! I think that I've cried more in the last two weeks than I have in years.
That's it... I quit.
Apparently, one of my cousins on the other side of my family is pregnant and due at the end of June.
Just kill me now! I think that I've cried more in the last two weeks than I have in years.
That's it... I quit.
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Damned Fertile Family
I know that some of you are in the same boat as me on this one... Any help on how you deal with this would be helpful.
I called my mother last night. I had no plans of talking to her for about nine months or so if possible, but I didn't have a choice. I got an email from my cousin that my uncle is back in the hospital again. He's my godfather and favourite uncle. He's my father's immediately older brother (my dad is from a family of 7 kids), and the brother that he was always the closest to. Anyway, he's been in and out of the hospital for years and he's back in now.
Since my mother checks her email about once a month, I thought I better call her. Turns out she already knew (someone called them), but she had another piece of news...
My uncle's daughter (the one who emailed me) is pregnant and due at the end of July.
I nearly lost it. I managed to hold the tears back but was hit with a sudden wave of anger. My response was something like this...
"good lord! seriously??!! If one more person in this family announces a pregnancy, I'm out. I'm just leaving the family for good".
My mom was a bit snarky and said "well would you rather not know?". Now, understand that this is not said with sympathy, it was complete harsh.
I responded that no, I wanted to know, but it was really upsetting and frustrating that all these people who already have two kids each are getting pregnant AGAIN and all I want is one and can't have it! It hurts.
She actually had a sliver of sympathy at that point. She said "yeah, it must be hard. I can't imagine". And that was the end of her being sympathetic... she changed the topic to talk about... yup, you guessed it, my nephew. Yes, because when someone is upset about their infertility, the best thing you can do is to talk about someone else's kids.
sigh.
Seriously?? How did I get blessed with such a fertile family and get stuck in this hell hole of infertility?
On the upside, I"m now down a total of 16 lbs since January 9th. The better part is that I've lost 6 inches off my waist, 3 off my hips, and five off my thighs. My bust has only lost one, but really, I"m good with that. :) The last two weeks have a been a struggle because I was on the progesterone pills - one of their nice side effects? Weight gain. So I figure the fact that I only lost 2.2 lbs over the past two weeks is still a bonus. Thank goodness I only have one more month of the pills left (hopefully).
I called my mother last night. I had no plans of talking to her for about nine months or so if possible, but I didn't have a choice. I got an email from my cousin that my uncle is back in the hospital again. He's my godfather and favourite uncle. He's my father's immediately older brother (my dad is from a family of 7 kids), and the brother that he was always the closest to. Anyway, he's been in and out of the hospital for years and he's back in now.
Since my mother checks her email about once a month, I thought I better call her. Turns out she already knew (someone called them), but she had another piece of news...
My uncle's daughter (the one who emailed me) is pregnant and due at the end of July.
I nearly lost it. I managed to hold the tears back but was hit with a sudden wave of anger. My response was something like this...
"good lord! seriously??!! If one more person in this family announces a pregnancy, I'm out. I'm just leaving the family for good".
My mom was a bit snarky and said "well would you rather not know?". Now, understand that this is not said with sympathy, it was complete harsh.
I responded that no, I wanted to know, but it was really upsetting and frustrating that all these people who already have two kids each are getting pregnant AGAIN and all I want is one and can't have it! It hurts.
She actually had a sliver of sympathy at that point. She said "yeah, it must be hard. I can't imagine". And that was the end of her being sympathetic... she changed the topic to talk about... yup, you guessed it, my nephew. Yes, because when someone is upset about their infertility, the best thing you can do is to talk about someone else's kids.
sigh.
Seriously?? How did I get blessed with such a fertile family and get stuck in this hell hole of infertility?
On the upside, I"m now down a total of 16 lbs since January 9th. The better part is that I've lost 6 inches off my waist, 3 off my hips, and five off my thighs. My bust has only lost one, but really, I"m good with that. :) The last two weeks have a been a struggle because I was on the progesterone pills - one of their nice side effects? Weight gain. So I figure the fact that I only lost 2.2 lbs over the past two weeks is still a bonus. Thank goodness I only have one more month of the pills left (hopefully).
Saturday, 11 February 2012
What I Noticed
We just finished watching "A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas". I can't help it. I love the Harold and Kumar movies. Sometimes sophomoric humour is just what I need. And yes, I know it's March, but the movie just came out... so we sat down to watch it.
Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't watched it but wants to...
In the movie Harold and his wife are trying to have a baby. They haven't been successful, and on Christmas morning she gets a positive pregnancy test. I called bullshit on this. This is why. Less than 24 hours before this test, she told Harold she was ovulating. This tells me that only about 2 weeks prior to this, she had AF visiting. So even if she was pregnant, she would be about a day pregnant and no test in the world would pick that up.
So I was nearly livid about this point. I made my husband pause the movie and blurted all this out. My husband just looked at me with amusement and confusion. His response to me...
"ok, so in this movie a baby gets high several times, a man nearly gets his dick scalded off, NPH isn't gay, two guys who are not wearing seatbelts roll a van and survived - walk away even, a man throws a flaming tree out of a window and has no burns at all, and Santa gets shot in the head and they stitch it up with some thread and whiskey and he's able to walk away... and the pregnancy test is what YOU find bizarre???"
My response... "well yeah, because it's just not possible"
He must have laughed at me for about five minutes before we could finish the movie.
Yeah, those are the things that I notice. :)
Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't watched it but wants to...
In the movie Harold and his wife are trying to have a baby. They haven't been successful, and on Christmas morning she gets a positive pregnancy test. I called bullshit on this. This is why. Less than 24 hours before this test, she told Harold she was ovulating. This tells me that only about 2 weeks prior to this, she had AF visiting. So even if she was pregnant, she would be about a day pregnant and no test in the world would pick that up.
So I was nearly livid about this point. I made my husband pause the movie and blurted all this out. My husband just looked at me with amusement and confusion. His response to me...
"ok, so in this movie a baby gets high several times, a man nearly gets his dick scalded off, NPH isn't gay, two guys who are not wearing seatbelts roll a van and survived - walk away even, a man throws a flaming tree out of a window and has no burns at all, and Santa gets shot in the head and they stitch it up with some thread and whiskey and he's able to walk away... and the pregnancy test is what YOU find bizarre???"
My response... "well yeah, because it's just not possible"
He must have laughed at me for about five minutes before we could finish the movie.
Yeah, those are the things that I notice. :)
The Club
As all infertiles know, there is a club out there that we just can't seem to get into... the parenthood club. It is a club that we try so hard to get into, but it's not as easy as just buying a ticket. It seems that everyone around us gets to walk in without trouble, and all we want is a chance to look in the window, but it is like that velvet rope just won't budge.
Last night we went out for supper. We had had a long day at work and just wanted a nice supper - somewhere that we could relax but nothing too fancy - we were wearing jeans afterall. We went to a place that is known for a family atmosphere - perhaps this was our first mistake.
We got seated a table next to a family with a child about 5 years old. There were three adults and just the one child at the table. Things were fine for a few minutes, and then the child decided that she didn't want the food that she had asked for. It turned into a full out temper tantrum. So what did the adults do about it? Absolutely nothing. No, wait, scratch that, they laughed at it. They did nothing at all about it.
Now, don't get me wrong, I understand the concept of ignoring a temper tantrum. I really do. I've used the technique a number of times with children in my care. However, ignoring a temper tantrum while the rest of the restaurant has to listen to it... that's just not right. No matter how many evil glares other people gave the parents, they just smiled and laughed and ordered dessert.
I know it's old school parenting, but when I was that age, if I would have pulled that shit, my parents would have taken me outside to cool down and have a little talk with me. Sometimes that would result in the rest of the meal being spent sitting in the car, or us just going home. But not in this case. Apparently these parents feel that their enjoyment is more important, and they are entitled to do and act however they want... just because they have kids.
While sitting at the table, listening to this insanity, I posted to FB how annoyed I was. I got some comments and likes - all in agreement with me, and then this...
"being a parent is a hard job. we all do the best we can. so sorry if it's offensive to those who are childless".
I nearly blew a gasket. How dare she!! HOW FUCKING DARE SHE!!!!
Let me give you some background. This is a girl I went to highschool with. I grew up in a small town, so there were only 8 people in my grad class. A few years ago, all of my grad class started to add me - and I let them. I'm not sure why I let them given that I never really liked most of them and many of them were bitches to me all throughout school. This particular person was a snob of the greatest proportions. She had her nose stuck in the air and thought that she was better than EVERYONE else. At a wedding of one of our classmates, she met her husband. Well, maybe met is the wrong word here. Town gossip had it that she met and hooked up with him and didn't even know his last name until a week later. But it was ok - he was from the city. *insert eye roll here*
Now she's a mother of two who does not work outside the house, but thinks that she is better than everyone else.
Anyway, needless to say, this comment stung me. I get really pissed off when people think that they are better than me just because they managed to pop a person out of their va-jay-jay. IF is not something that people choose, and rubbing your ability to procreate in the face of another is a really low thing to do. Now, I may be wrong, she might be sincere in her comments, but I doubt it. What really got me about all of this was that the other commenters and likes were from people who have kids - among them 8 kids and a grandchild.
So, yes, I couldn't let it go. I responded with this....
"Parenting might be a tough job but it doesn't entitle people to a free ride on being rude. If a child isn't capable of behaving in public then perhaps parents should think twice about where they are taking them and perhaps disciplining them or at least acknowledging that their behavior is inappropriate rather than laughing about it. And for the record it is not just childless people who get annoyed by this - all the people who have agreed or commented have children. And the idea that some people think that being a parent entitles them to act poorly or gives them more rights than someone without children is what is really offensive!"
perhaps a little harsh, but I'm so tired of those in the club sticking their tongues out and those of us on the outside and complaining that WE are too sensitive.
Parenting is a tough job, I'm not denying that. Hell, just being a parental figure is a tough job, forget the 24/7 of actual parenting. But don't for one fucking second complain to me that it's too tough and act like you deserve a break on common courtesy because you popped out a human. Being a parent doesn't make you infallible, and it doesn't mean you get a free pass.
Last night we went out for supper. We had had a long day at work and just wanted a nice supper - somewhere that we could relax but nothing too fancy - we were wearing jeans afterall. We went to a place that is known for a family atmosphere - perhaps this was our first mistake.
We got seated a table next to a family with a child about 5 years old. There were three adults and just the one child at the table. Things were fine for a few minutes, and then the child decided that she didn't want the food that she had asked for. It turned into a full out temper tantrum. So what did the adults do about it? Absolutely nothing. No, wait, scratch that, they laughed at it. They did nothing at all about it.
Now, don't get me wrong, I understand the concept of ignoring a temper tantrum. I really do. I've used the technique a number of times with children in my care. However, ignoring a temper tantrum while the rest of the restaurant has to listen to it... that's just not right. No matter how many evil glares other people gave the parents, they just smiled and laughed and ordered dessert.
I know it's old school parenting, but when I was that age, if I would have pulled that shit, my parents would have taken me outside to cool down and have a little talk with me. Sometimes that would result in the rest of the meal being spent sitting in the car, or us just going home. But not in this case. Apparently these parents feel that their enjoyment is more important, and they are entitled to do and act however they want... just because they have kids.
While sitting at the table, listening to this insanity, I posted to FB how annoyed I was. I got some comments and likes - all in agreement with me, and then this...
"being a parent is a hard job. we all do the best we can. so sorry if it's offensive to those who are childless".
I nearly blew a gasket. How dare she!! HOW FUCKING DARE SHE!!!!
Let me give you some background. This is a girl I went to highschool with. I grew up in a small town, so there were only 8 people in my grad class. A few years ago, all of my grad class started to add me - and I let them. I'm not sure why I let them given that I never really liked most of them and many of them were bitches to me all throughout school. This particular person was a snob of the greatest proportions. She had her nose stuck in the air and thought that she was better than EVERYONE else. At a wedding of one of our classmates, she met her husband. Well, maybe met is the wrong word here. Town gossip had it that she met and hooked up with him and didn't even know his last name until a week later. But it was ok - he was from the city. *insert eye roll here*
Now she's a mother of two who does not work outside the house, but thinks that she is better than everyone else.
Anyway, needless to say, this comment stung me. I get really pissed off when people think that they are better than me just because they managed to pop a person out of their va-jay-jay. IF is not something that people choose, and rubbing your ability to procreate in the face of another is a really low thing to do. Now, I may be wrong, she might be sincere in her comments, but I doubt it. What really got me about all of this was that the other commenters and likes were from people who have kids - among them 8 kids and a grandchild.
So, yes, I couldn't let it go. I responded with this....
"Parenting might be a tough job but it doesn't entitle people to a free ride on being rude. If a child isn't capable of behaving in public then perhaps parents should think twice about where they are taking them and perhaps disciplining them or at least acknowledging that their behavior is inappropriate rather than laughing about it. And for the record it is not just childless people who get annoyed by this - all the people who have agreed or commented have children. And the idea that some people think that being a parent entitles them to act poorly or gives them more rights than someone without children is what is really offensive!"
perhaps a little harsh, but I'm so tired of those in the club sticking their tongues out and those of us on the outside and complaining that WE are too sensitive.
Parenting is a tough job, I'm not denying that. Hell, just being a parental figure is a tough job, forget the 24/7 of actual parenting. But don't for one fucking second complain to me that it's too tough and act like you deserve a break on common courtesy because you popped out a human. Being a parent doesn't make you infallible, and it doesn't mean you get a free pass.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
