Gone to the dogs

So lately my interactions with a friend on FB have been rather tense, and they all seem to be about dogs.

The friend has posted numerous things about other people who have dogs and what they are doing wrong with them. One of her big issues seems to be people with large dogs who don't have a fenced yard, and people who leave their dogs unattended all day. Both of those apply to me.

She has said things like why have a dog if you don't take care of it properly- if you can't afford to build the fence, you can't afford the dog. This wasn't directed at me specifically but I took offense and made a comment about it.  No we don't have a fenced yard. We own a double lot in a small town which is about the equivalent of four city lots. To fence it properly would cost about $3000. Not in the budget. The argument is so reminiscent of the adoption/fertility treatment argument. I can afford to raise a child but dropping $20-50 grand at once to bring it to me is not as doable. My dog has a 40-ft cable tether that is tied to a huge tree in the middle of the yard. Simple math tells me that he has a 80-ft diameter space to play, or 5000 sq ft to play in. That is way more than some animals ever get. He's happy on his tether, he doesn't even notice he's on it. We only put him on it when we can check on him regularly... And he doesn't like being alone outside so he usually isn't. 

Yes I leave him alone all day - I have to fucking work. He's been used to 10-12 hr days alone at home since he was about 5 months old and it doesn't bother him. I don't care if he has an accident, that's why I bought a shampooer. I I'm away too long and it happens, it's my own fault- I don't blame the dog.

So where is all this venting stemming from? Well today I posted how awesome my dog is lasting a long 17 hours during yesterday's shit storm of medical enjoyment. She responded that I should give a key to my neighbors for when  going to be late. I simply said that yesterday was an anomaly and that I don't know my neighbors. She responded that she knows hers really well. I thought it was done when I explained how I'm not around much and my neighbors don't even recognize me. But no. She made another comment which was something about my husband but deleted it before I could read it and then deleted me from FB.

This woman has never been a close friend, but her little digs lately have bugged me, and just deleting (and blocking) me without any explanation or anything kinda hurts... And I don't know why.

Feelin' Fine

Well after yesterday's insane ER ride, I thought I would update...

I'm feeling great today. Not even a spot of blood which is awesome. Now that doesn't mean that I'm going to be lulled into a false confidence and not be prepared, but not feeling like I am overflowing with every step is nice.

The pain is pretty much at its end as well. I still feel like I've been punched in the gut, but there is no major cramping and stabbing pain.

The antibiotics are crazy strong so make me tired and a bit woozy but if they make me feel better otherwise, then it's totally worth it. They are super high dose so must pick up some acidophilus so I don't end up with a yeast infection on top of everything else.

I'm just glad that I decided to go instead of just going home and waiting it all out. The oncologist told the ER doc that she felt the antibiotics would stop the bleeding because the infection was the cause so she didn't want any more anti-bleeding drugs given unless it started back up. They gave me some via IV initially which helped.  The funny part was that even though I has these drugs, I bled like a stuck pig when they took out the IV. Stuck pig... Funny phrase, wonder where that came from? Hmmm.

Anyway, I also took a dilaudid this morning to try to ward off any pain that might start. Maybe not a good idea before school... It was everything I could do not to go nap on the couch during my prep time lol.

So basically, I'm feeling so much better today. Still going to be an early night, but that's ok. I don't have a lot to do this weekend so at least I can relax a bit. 

I this morning I opened my work email to find a message from one of our superintendents (she's pretty high up and therefore definitely my boss). She saw me nearly pass out on Tuesday and was at the meeting yesterday when I got so sick. She even offered to drive me to the hospital. Anyway, she emailed to see how I was doing. Little things like that make it much easier to come to work... Knowing that people actually are enough, even to just send a message ... It made me feel like more than just an employee number in a file.

Well enough babble. Just waiting on my ride and then home to a very sucky dog (who btw was stuck in the house for over 17 hours yesterday and didn't make a mess at all... He rocks!!!)

Aftershocks

Well after over an hour sitting in the waiting room in pain, watching everyone else go in first, I finally got called to a room where I sat for another 30 minutes before anyone came to attend to me. 

I was sitting on the bed crying from the pain when the nice EMT from Tuesday walked by and saw me. He was shocked that they still hadn't seen me. I told him that I thought the triage nurse didn't take me seriously. He came into the room, patted my arm and said how the EMTS were just talking at coffee about what an ass that guy is. It made me feel a bit better.

So the nurses came to deal with me and were awesome! Then the doctor came in and he was amazing. So nice and very understanding. He convince me to take some IV painkiller. Morphine. How do people get addicted to that stuff? It just makes me woozy - I hate the feeling! But it does kill the pain better than anything else I've ever had.

The doc had them take blood and did an exam. Blood results showed elevated white blood cells... Quite elevated. He also accessed my pathology report from the D&C and here is the important part... Are you ready?  NO sign of cancer, precancerous, or even abnormal cells!!! What it did show was infection of the endometrial layer (endometritis). So that explains the elevated white cells. Apparently it can be easily treated with antibiotics.

So they gave me antibiotics by IV and sent me off with a prescription for that and painkillers. The doc also talked to my oncologist who said to call tomorrow and come see her on Tuesday for a follow up. Great... Another day off work. Sigh. This is getting ridiculous! 

So now I'm waiting in the car for hubby who is getting my prescription filled at the notoriously slow pharmacy.

Oh and THANK YOU for all your kind messages and support... It meant a lot. And an extra big thanks to Jen for leaving her couch to come and pick up my hubby's car so we don't have to pay three days of hospital parking. 

At this point I just want to go home to bed and try to get through work tomorrow - yes I'm goin in... I've missed so much already! Sigh

It just keeps getting sunnier

So the pain, cramping, and bleeding post D&C has gotten really horrific. I'm sitting in the emergency room waiting to see someone. When I told the triage nurse the issues, his response was "we'll did you call your doctor?" When I told him that I didn't, he responded with "why not?" He was slightly rude actually. Hmm why not, well how about the fact that you  can't actually talk to the doctor, you leave a message and they eventually call back. The discharge papers for surgery said to go to emergency if these things started. Besides, I'm in severe pain, bleeding profusely, and can barely stand for two minutes without feeling like I'm going to pass out. I actually ran into the EMT who helped me on Tuesday while waiting for triage and he said I did the right thing by coming here. 

So far everyone who was here when I got here has gone in, including people who were obviously not in pain. I look like shot warmed over and feel like I'm going to pass out.

The nurse said that I should have called my doctor because she knows what she did to me. Asshole it was a D&C, it's not a mystery what she did to me!

I just feel like sometimes the complaints of pain and bleeding are not taken seriously by male medical staff... I would love for them to bleed out their penis and cramp heavily, just for one day to see what it is like... A little compassion please!

This fucking sucks!

Ambulance visit

So I had to take my students to a career day today. I should have pawned it off on someone else, I really should have. The morning was spent wandering around a hockey rink and then standing in line for lunch. Here's an idea.... Let's serve lunch to 400 people but only have two people on cookin burgers. Oh well. The kids had a good time at the event anyway.

I on the other hand...

I nearly passed out and ended up spending an hour in the back of an ambulance.  As we were standing in line for food, I started getting dizzy and weak. I was shaking badly and the world was spinning. Nothing I did seemed to fix it so I went to find a place to sit... Which just happened to be the bumper of a nearby ambulance. One of the organizers saw me and came over. I told him I though I was going to pass out and suddenly I had 3 ambulance attendants surrounding me and putting me in the back of the ambulance. They wanted to transport me to the city to the hospital but I couldn't leave my students without a supervisor. (Nobody better ever tell me that teachers don't care) So I signed the form saying that I refused their care. However that was after an hour of observation in the back of the rig. My BP was high, my oxygen was low, my blood sugar was ok but near the bottom of normal, I was pale and clammy. They put me on oxygen for a bit and just monitored me. The dude said that he thought I was probably dehydrated but if he hydrated me with IV then they really needed to take me in.

They told me not to drive and to not walk around too much. They wanted me to go to the hospital if I had another spell. At one point he asked if I had a headache, I responded with "yeah but I just rode a bus with 25 teenagers for 1.5 hours".  The EMTs were impressed that instill had a sense of humor while nearly passing out.

I think the big problem was the long school bus ride which caused me a lot of pain as things hurt "down there" with every bump. And the copious amounts of painkillers I was taking all day. It just all hit at once. I had my husband pick me up from work and now I'm on the couch with a heating pad. I still feel yucky - tired and kinda woozy and dizzy but my BP is normal so I'm not too worried. 

The worst part of all of this is that my husband is taking this opportunity to regale me with sports stories and news... And I just don't care... But I'm pretending really well!

Another kick at surgery

The last few days have been crazy busy.

I'm sure that I mentioned in the past the mess I made of my ankle about  18 months ago.  I fell down some stairs and managed to sprain it badly - or at least I thought that was all I did.  Turns out that I also chipped a piece of bone off the joint and tore off part of the ligament.  Anyway, it still hasn't been fixed properly and still hurts often.  I finally had an appointment with a new orthopedic surgeon who doesn't want to do anything until he gets more information.  I have had xrays and ultrasounds done on the ankle, but that's not enough apparently.  Anyway, I saw this new guy about a month ago and just had an MRI done on my ankle last Tuesday.  The MRI itself wasn't that bad, but the position that they had me in sucked.  My ankle hurt the whole time because of positioning, my knee was hyperextended so hurt, and my leg was pulled out and my hip misaligned which threw my back out. It just doesn't take much to mess me up.

Then on Thursday I had what I hope is the last of the D&Cs for a while.  As I've mentioned before, I just can't handle the pain of the endometrial biopsies anymore.  Even with serious amounts of drugs in my system, it feels like someone is stabbing me through the uterus with knives... over and over.  So in November, my oncologist decided that she couldn't put me through that again and decided that she would do D&Cs instead.  I had one in January that came back clear and she said in about three months which apparently means 5.  I had another one on Thursday.  Now, I appreciate that she gets the pain thing, but I don't understand the need for constantly pushing the time frames back.  Originally my treatment was supposed to be 6 months, then changed to 9 months, and now it will be 15 months by the time I'm off the drugs.  Here's the thing - I was clear at my four month biopsy, and the 7 month one, and the 10 month one... so continuing the drugs seems stupid, but whatever.

Anyway, we live over an hour away from the surgery centre and I had to be there by 6:30 so really early morning for us.  It was slightly amusing however that they got me admitted and into a gown and bed and then forgot about me until about 20 minute prior to my surgery time and had to rush through all the pre-op paperwork and almost forgot to give me my pre-op drugs.

The surgery went really well.  She did a D&C and a hysteroscopy to take a look in there and since the oncologist was in surgery all day she left me a note saying everything looked great and she anticipated no problems.  I'm supposed to make an appointment to see her in six weeks for results and follow up.  This seemed odd to me since I have always done follow-ups about 3 weeks after biopsies and D&Cs.  Anyway, I guess in a way it's good because I won't have to miss work for the appointment.

So the surgery went well - only took about 25 minutes - and when I woke up they filled me full of morphine. I was all sorts of dopey and out of it, but just couldn't sleep because of all the noise in the ward. I have a problem with sleep also where my oxygen levels drop because I breathe so shallow, so they wouldn't let me go since my oxygen kept dropping to about 90, which is apparently the scary number.  So every time I drifted off, they woke me up and made me take deep breaths. My husband was so confused by the length of time I had been in there that he actually called up to the ward to check on me.  I went into surgery at 8:30 and they let me out of the hospital at 1:30 - so it was a long day since we were up at 4:30.

Just a side note - I don't know how people can become addicted to morphine.  I get the pain killing aspect - that was pretty nice, but being so dopey and out of it - no thanks!

We got home and I went to bed and slept for a few hour and woke up feeling pretty good.  I had taken Friday off too, and felt pretty good on Friday - no cramping at all which was good.  By Saturday though, everything changed.  TMI time.  Apparently anesthetic completely constipates me.  I was putting food in from Thursday onward, but as of Saturday afternoon, nothing was coming out still. I took laxatives which made the pain worse.  I ended up awake most of last night with cramps - both gas/bowel pains and uterus cramping.  I basically laid on the couch all day and most of the night with a heating pad - I finally felt comfortable enough to go to bed at about 4 am.  Thankfully I could take a nap today - a nice long one with the puppy on the bed beside me (he was tired too because he was awake all night as I laid on the couch moaning.  I feel a bit better today.  The bowel issues have mostly fixed themselves, and I'm only cramping a bit.  I am exhausted and wish I could take tomorrow off of work too, but I can't.  This is where my job sucks - I have to plan for a sub each time I'm sick - blah.

So tomorrow is back to work even though I feel a bit like crap still, but hopefully I won't have to endure this for a good long time again.

The bonus is that while I laid on the couch today, Netflix gave me a new season of Arrested Development.  I love that show and particularly Jason Bateman.  Good way to spend the day... three more episodes and I've finished the whole season.  Oh and my husband brought me home a pot of chrysanthamums today.  He said that I have done so much that I deserved something... I said that I haven't done anything - he said "you let a bunch of people do things and put things in uncomfortable places and put you through pain to have a baby... you do lots".  awww.  I won't tell him that I was more excited about the cookies he brought home than the flowers but it was definitely a nice gesture.

The Lonely Day

It was a lonely day. Well ok, it was a busy day... But still lonely.

My dad came over in the morning to till up my garden so I spent a bunch of time doing forced labour in the yard. I cleaned our driveway with our new pressure washer... It certainly is shiny clean now. I spent time playing fetch with the dog, and cleaned out his pool and refilled it. (Yes my dog has his own pool)

But despite everything the day was lonely. I was not alone. My husband was there. My father came over. The dog followed me everywhere. But the day was lonely.

Mother's Day. The worst day of the year for an infertile. Everyone is celebrating the one thing you don't or can't have. It just plain out sucks. I did manage to get through the day without crying which was a surprise. Then again, I'm pretty much numb and without emotion at this point.

But the day felt lonely. I felt abandoned. Only one of my friends thought to tell me that they were thinking of me. Everyone else went about their business, posting all their joys to FB, enjoying the day set out to value something I can't attain.

Don't get me wrong. I don't expect people to drop everything and fawn over me on a day which should be a celebration, BUT given that they know my struggles and how much becoming a mother means to me... I would have thought that a simple "hug" or "thinking of you" wouldn't have been too much to ask for.

Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised given some of the thigh some of them have said about our struggles, but I guess I expected more.

Sigh