A Bit Better

First of all, thanks for all the kind comments yesterday, they really did help. Between that, a really supportive husband, and a wonderful friend who talked me down on FB (you know who you are), right now I'm doing a bit better.

The reason for the melt-down??

My brother called me yesterday to tell me that his wife is pregnant again. I have to say that he was really considerate about it. He said that he had something to tell me and that he didn't want to upset me or make me mad (why the hell would I be mad at him, but anyway). Then he said that she was pregnant. It's their third child and they weren't trying. Does that make me sad, yup. I got through the conversation without tears and feigned happiness for them. We talked about it a bit. Then the convo ended and I hung up...

and started sobbing. Hard sobbing. Ugly crying. The kind where you can't breathe. I was a mess.

I know that it's horrible to be angry and sad and jealous. I know that I should be happy and excited for the new niece or nephew that I'm going to have. Don't get me wrong, somewhere, deep inside I am happy for them. I know that I will love this baby with all my heart - just as I love their other two kids. I know that I will get to a point where I"m ok with it. That point just isn't now.

I got through Christmas without any pregnancy drama in the families and thought I was clear. They weren't trying and insisted that they were finished with kids. They have a 9 year old and a 3 year old. They said they were done. This wasn't planned - a complete oops. I am worried about my SIL, as she's miscarried three times before and has to be on progesterone to sustain the pregnancy for 12 weeks - that's the only reason why she's managed to carry two to term. She has to see a specialist, and both of her previous successful pregnancies have been wrought with troubles. So I do worry. I want it to turn out. I just feel bad for me.

To be completely self-centered, the next pregnancy announcement in the family was suuposed to be mine! We were supposed to be the next ones that got that attention and focus. Now, it won't matter if I do get pregnant - if it happens in the next 8 months, it won't mean much. Not in my family anyway. My brother has always been the centre of the universe for my mother. Hell, I can't even get my mother to sit and listen to anything about my medical issues. As soon as I bring them up, she changes the subject - usually to talk about my brother or his kids. Nice eh? I'm trying to get some support for my IF and she starts talking about my brother's kids. Sigh.

The last two times my SIL was pregnant, all my mother could talk about was the baby. I honestly might have to cut communication with her if that starts. I don't want to, but I can't listen to it again. When my SIL was pregnant the last time, we weren't trying yet. My niece was born in March and I had just gone off of BCP, so I was still convinced that in six to eight months we'd be pregnant. What a fool I was. Now, nearly three years after starting to try, we still have no baby, and my hopes, my spotlight, has been stolen by my brother and SIL again.

This might sound horrible. I know that it does. I know that I sound like a snot-nosed little brat. I get that. But it's the way I feel. My husband is ready to do an intervention with my mother already. I haven't even talked with her yet about it, but I know it will be bad. My mother is a piece of work... she just doesn't seem to give a shit about me. The world is all about my brother and his kids. I am always the last one to be considered because I am childless.

I guess this was just another stab. I felt yesterday like someone grabbed my heart and pulled it out of my chest... and wouldn't give it back. today I feel like crying but haven't yet. I had a horrible sleep last night - nightmares... bad ones. I just feel like I need to escape, but I can't. I don't have the money or the time to get away from this bullshit. I need so badly to escape all of this.

sigh.

Crying Jag

I must apologize for being so absent in the month of January. Christmas was tough on me and I've been completely exhausted. I'm seriously thinking that something more is wrong with me, because I just can't get up in the morning... but I can't sleep at night. I must make an appointment with my GP, but I'm so tired of doctors at this point. Besides, my doctor is over an hour from me and I hate being that person who walks in with three or four ailments. *sigh* Getting time off of work is a pain too - if you have a job where you can just call in sick and forget about it, be grateful. I know that I chose to be a teacher, but honestly, the fact that I can be puking my guts out and still have to prepare for the day before I can call it a sick day is ridiculous! Next year I vow to have "just in case" sub plans ready... so that I don't have to do that.

Anyway, I've been tired and feeling gross all month, and I'm not so sure that the medroxy is working. I've had normalish periods (28 days yes, but not as heavy as I would have expected). So I'm not sure it's clearing me out. I just wish she would have done a D&C first before the medroxy... but I wait patiently until mid-March to find out if it's working or not. again *sigh*

Finally ... I've been crying most of the day. I got some pretty hard news related to family. I'm not going to get into it right now because if I do, I'll just end up crying again. I don't want to deal with it, but I have to. Basically I'm sad and I don't know how to deal. *sigh*

How do you deal with all of your IF issues? Lately I've been having a real problem with it. If anyone brings up babies or pregnancy I get depressed - almost immediately. I've been crying so much. I'm losing a LOT of hope and I don't know how to deal anymore. I think it might be time for a therapist.... but that doctor thing that I mentioned earlier - yeah that goes for a therapist too - closest are an hour away and getting time off... well it's really tough.

BIG SIGH.

The Weigh In

Well, I weighed myself this morning. Down another 7.6 lbs. That's 12.8 lbs gone in two weeks.

I know that's a lot for two weeks, but this is pretty typical of me on the start of the program. The first time (the most successful time) that I was on the program, I lost 18 the first week and 11 the second. I find that by about week 4 it levels off to about 2-3 lbs per week which is much healthier.

I woke up with a nasty backache this morning - don't know why - did I sleep wrong?? How does someone sleep wrong anyway? There is a comedian out there who does this bit about sleeping wrong, about how when does someone forget how to sleep? It's funny stuff and I think of it everytime that I wake up in pain. Tylenol fixed the pain, but it was the first time in months that I've had a backache. Maybe it's time to go back to the chiro again.

I'm currently watching Hoarders and sitting under a pile of marking... guess it's time to get to work.

Needing to lighten up...

I need to lighten up... in many ways!

As my post yesterday made clear, I"m very very angry. It's not just that I'm angry within, I'm angry from an outward point of view... as in viciously angry. Little things set me off. I want to yell and scream and throw things. I feel my blood boil up at a moment's notice, and I want to lose it. I get to that head-spinning, heart-pounding type of anger very easily. Today it was because the cat had tried again to climb the Christmas tree that I have yet to take down. I honestly had to stop my urges to pick him up and throw him out of the house. I feel like a horrible person. My life just feels like it has been has been taken over by a monster that I can't get rid of. I just want to be normal. I want that so badly!

So I need to lighten up. I need to relax and learn how to take things one day at a time. I need to figure out how to live my life if things don't work out for me. If I don't get what I want, can I survive it? Lots of women do, but I'm not sure how they do it. I don't know if I could do it.

Part of my problem now is that I know that my administrator is retiring at the end of the year this year. The hope is that the vP will take over the role of principal, but if she doesn't get the position, then what? I know it's stupid to worry about what I can't control, but my fear involves the past experience I've had in this school division. My first job was pure hell. I hated myself and cried at least five times a day at work. I cried all the way to work and all the way home each day. The principal was a horrible human being and she took out everything on me. She tried to get to my current administrator against me, but she failed at doing that. He's a great guy, and I'm worried that the next admin might not be strong enough to resist her. If I end up with an admin who is against me, then being able to handle my job is going to be horribly impossible. I think that's another reason why work has been so hard to handle lately.

I mentioned the body issues yesterday. Six years ago I had lost 80 lbs on W.eight W.atchers. I was a maniac. I was seriously hard-core on it. By the time that I met my husband, I was going to the gym for at least an hour every night, and I don't think that I was off plan more than once or twice in the whole 5 months that I was on the plan. I had a friend who was doing it with me, so that made it easier. I remember that one day, I was going to my friend's bachelorette party. I wanted to have fun and drink and eat, so I spent nearly three hours at the gym that morning to burn off enough that I could enjoy myself. Three hours of hard working on the elliptical... I was a maniac! But it paid off. I lost 80 lbs and went down about four clothing sizes.

So, now I've started up again. I've been on it for two weeks, and have been gradually increasing the time on the elliptical. I have been staying on plan and working out every day. I am not supposed to weigh myself until tomorrow but I cheated and did a weigh in this morning. I am down 10 lbs so far. Still a long way to go, but 10 lbs is still 10 lbs. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be down another pound, but if not, that's still 10 lbs. So, one day at a time, and hopefully I can lighten up in a weight sort of way as well.

My biggest hope, of course, is that by losing a bunch of weight, it will help with the TTC thing. Even though I have not been specifically told by any doctor, I've read enough to know that excess weight can interfere with conception and ovulation. If I keep this up, I could be down about 40 lbs by the time that I have to go for the biopsy, and hopefully that will help. I also know that I don't want to be pregnant with and extra 100 lbs on my frame.

Now, if I can just stick with it.

Anger and Neglect

I've been neglectful... seriously neglectful of this blog. I honestly don't think that anyone really reads it anyway, so I sometimes think what's the point. See, I'm in the middle of a pity party at this point. I know that people read it, the wonderful comments prove that. I just haven't been the mood for blogging.

I'm angry. I'm angry about everything these days. It's all I can do to stop myself from screaming at everyone in my path. I would blame the progesterone pills, but it doesn't seem to matter what time of the month it is, I'm angry.

I'm angry because I feel broken. I feel like I'm not a real woman because I still don't have children. It occurred to me the other day that the soonest I could hope to be a mother would be the month prior to my 36th birthday. 36!! What the fuck happened to my life? When did I get to be that person who is closer to 40 than 30 or 20 for that matter? I'm angry at time. We started this journey when I was 32! We're coming up on 3 years of TTC, and it's been hell the whole time. Our entire marriage has been consumed with it. We started TTC two months before our wedding, so when I say our entire marriage, I mean it.

I'm angry because I know that there is a real chance that the March biopsy could reveal that the hyperplasia isn't gone. I wish she would have done a damned D&C so that we could have started fresh. The progesterone is causing AF, but it's so light that there is very little chance that it's reducing the lining at all. So chances are that I"m going to go for another painful test to reveal that I still have what I had in December. I'm pissed off!

I'm starting to regret my job choice. I won't go on and on about the perils of teaching - after our recent strike action, it's been made abundantly clear to me that the public does not appreciate teachers or the time we put in. I'm angry that I have no life. I spend all of my time away from school planning and marking, only to be told that I don't deserve the summer off and that two weeks at Christmas is too much, oh and that I get paid too much. All that after dealing with kids all day who think that I'm supposed to just hand them an A and they don't have to work for it. I'm angry that people judge what they don't really know.

I'm just completely angry.

I'm angry that I've let myself get so out of shape that climbing a flight of stairs winds me sometimes. I don't want to be that person. I'm angry that my husband made a pizza for lunch, but I looked at it and couldn't eat any because it would mess up the whole day's eating. Eat pizza for lunch and have rice cakes for supper? no thanks. I'm angry that my coworker eats like a pig all day and admits that she doesn't exercise, and she is skinny as a twig. I'm angry that I've undone all of the hard work I did 6 years ago when I lost 80 lbs. I'm angry that I used to be able to do 60 minutes on the elliptical at a speed of 90 and now am struggling with 15 minutes at a speed of 40.

Mostly I'm angry that I'm constantly feeling like a failure. I feel like I've let everyone down and I can't fix it. I'm so angry all the time. My poor husband is constantly at the receiving end and I feel horrible for it.

I just want life to be normal... whatever that it.

I just want to not be broken.

I just want to not be angry.

I Survived

Well, Christmas is virtually over at the in-laws. It's after 11 pm. The parents in-law are asleep, the brother in-law and his wife left hours ago, hubby is playing his new video game. All is quiet.

And I survived!

All day I was a bit on edge but trying not to show it.

Originally, BIL and wife were supposed to show up around noon. They called and said it would be closer to 4. Then they called at 4 and said not until 5. They showed up at about 5:45. Then they wanted to open gifts first. Did I mention that the turkey was ready at about 5:00. Basically the whole supper was sitting there getting somewhat cold when they were wanting to open gifts. But we opened gifts.

Then supper. The wine bottle is pulled out. "who wants wine". BIL's wife states very loudly that she does... and I"m instantly relaxed. If she's drinking she's not pregnant. I know, I know, you're thinking "well, what if she just doesn't care, or know the dangers". She's a very sweet woman (how she ended up with him is beyond me), and she's a teacher who deals with kids who have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome everyday. She knows and I'm 100% positive she wouldn't risk even one drink if she was pregnant.

So, avoided that arrow... this time. We probably won't see them again until Easter (at the earliest) and hopefully by that time I'm back on the Clomid or pregnant already.

Tomorrow we head home (after hitting a couple of Boxing Day sales) to finish getting ready for my family Christmas. A bit more of an energetic and activity packed day - at least one where everyone isn't in a different room anyway. The possible pregnancy announcements have passed as I'm pretty sure my brother's wife is not expecting. She wants a third, but he says they are done. They just bought a new house and moved - now they have a bunch of reno to do. They aren't planning on getting pregnant - that doesn't mean she's not, but I doubt it. At least if she announced it she would understand why I would have a hard time being excited. She knows about my struggles and has dealt with numerous miscarriages in the past so gets the pain of IF. We're close, so I could at least hug her and then go and cry and she would understand... but I"m pretty sure that won't be an issue.

Merry Christmas to you all!

Family Drama

Yes, it's Christmas, and yes that means family... in my family that means drama! Some real, some assumed.

My side of the family is all sorts of messed up. Sometimes they are great, sometimes they are... well... not. I'm not going to get into all the details here right now. It would take too long and I"m not the mood to relive it all right now. It's enough to say that the Christmas season has been rather messed up this year thanks to some less-than-thoughtful actions of certain family members. My mother, in particular, is not sympathetic or helpful on the TTC front at all. She makes a point of talking to me about having kids and I hear from her often "when you have kids", etc. When I try to talk to her about the medical issues or tests, she changes the topic - usually to talk about my niece or nephew. It hurts. It hurts especially since it took her two years to conceive me and she should get it. But that's a whole other story for another day. I have hubby agreeing at this point that if my mother says anything about babies or us having kids, I will leave the room and he will tell her how inappropriate it is given our problems TTC and my medical issues. He wants to just kick her out, but I don't want to ruin the entire day for everyone because of an issue that I have. But I digress....

Typically, time with my in-laws is fairly easy. They mostly keep to themselves. We stay at their place, maybe have a meal or two with them, and go about our own ways. Mostly it's because they both have very demanding jobs which require them to be on-call or out-of-town for the weekends, or all week leaving only the weekend for stuff around the house, etc. So they are busy. Except at Christmas when it's a bit bizarre.

Each Christmas we have spent with them involves a lot of sitting around, reading, not much else going on. My family is pretty social and we find stuff to do together - it probably helps that there are little kids on my side of the family which makes Christmas a bit different. But it's really mellow here.

The perceived (or real) drama here is with my brother-in-law. Put plainly, he's an ass! No better way to say it. He's the centre of his universe and nobody else knows anything or is capable of anything. I really hate spending time with him. He comes around for about three hours on Christmas Day each year - and sometimes we have to see him once or twice the rest of the year... thankfully it's never for a long time.

So here is my fear that always comes up around family gatherings with my in-laws. My brother-in-law is 36 and his wife is 40. They have no kids, but she has given the impression that she wants them - he on the other hand has not. I'm not close enough to my sister-in-law to ask her if they are TTC or not. I wouldn't dream of asking something like that - it's just too personal. And my mother-in-law is not one to pry, so she has no idea. So my fear is always that they are going to announce that they are expecting. Every family gathering, I have a horrible feeling that they are going to announce. Every time. It's probably ridiculous as I'm sure that my brother-in-law doesn't want children at all, but I worry none-the-less.

I should be happy for my sister-in-law if they are expecting. If she truly wants children, if she can get pregnant at 40, I should happy. Besides, it would be a new baby in the family which would be great. But in my head I have the "boo hoo, poor me" thing going on.

I know it's not right, but that's just where I am with it. I guess we'll find out tomorrow afternoon.