A Bit Better

First of all, thanks for all the kind comments yesterday, they really did help. Between that, a really supportive husband, and a wonderful friend who talked me down on FB (you know who you are), right now I'm doing a bit better.

The reason for the melt-down??

My brother called me yesterday to tell me that his wife is pregnant again. I have to say that he was really considerate about it. He said that he had something to tell me and that he didn't want to upset me or make me mad (why the hell would I be mad at him, but anyway). Then he said that she was pregnant. It's their third child and they weren't trying. Does that make me sad, yup. I got through the conversation without tears and feigned happiness for them. We talked about it a bit. Then the convo ended and I hung up...

and started sobbing. Hard sobbing. Ugly crying. The kind where you can't breathe. I was a mess.

I know that it's horrible to be angry and sad and jealous. I know that I should be happy and excited for the new niece or nephew that I'm going to have. Don't get me wrong, somewhere, deep inside I am happy for them. I know that I will love this baby with all my heart - just as I love their other two kids. I know that I will get to a point where I"m ok with it. That point just isn't now.

I got through Christmas without any pregnancy drama in the families and thought I was clear. They weren't trying and insisted that they were finished with kids. They have a 9 year old and a 3 year old. They said they were done. This wasn't planned - a complete oops. I am worried about my SIL, as she's miscarried three times before and has to be on progesterone to sustain the pregnancy for 12 weeks - that's the only reason why she's managed to carry two to term. She has to see a specialist, and both of her previous successful pregnancies have been wrought with troubles. So I do worry. I want it to turn out. I just feel bad for me.

To be completely self-centered, the next pregnancy announcement in the family was suuposed to be mine! We were supposed to be the next ones that got that attention and focus. Now, it won't matter if I do get pregnant - if it happens in the next 8 months, it won't mean much. Not in my family anyway. My brother has always been the centre of the universe for my mother. Hell, I can't even get my mother to sit and listen to anything about my medical issues. As soon as I bring them up, she changes the subject - usually to talk about my brother or his kids. Nice eh? I'm trying to get some support for my IF and she starts talking about my brother's kids. Sigh.

The last two times my SIL was pregnant, all my mother could talk about was the baby. I honestly might have to cut communication with her if that starts. I don't want to, but I can't listen to it again. When my SIL was pregnant the last time, we weren't trying yet. My niece was born in March and I had just gone off of BCP, so I was still convinced that in six to eight months we'd be pregnant. What a fool I was. Now, nearly three years after starting to try, we still have no baby, and my hopes, my spotlight, has been stolen by my brother and SIL again.

This might sound horrible. I know that it does. I know that I sound like a snot-nosed little brat. I get that. But it's the way I feel. My husband is ready to do an intervention with my mother already. I haven't even talked with her yet about it, but I know it will be bad. My mother is a piece of work... she just doesn't seem to give a shit about me. The world is all about my brother and his kids. I am always the last one to be considered because I am childless.

I guess this was just another stab. I felt yesterday like someone grabbed my heart and pulled it out of my chest... and wouldn't give it back. today I feel like crying but haven't yet. I had a horrible sleep last night - nightmares... bad ones. I just feel like I need to escape, but I can't. I don't have the money or the time to get away from this bullshit. I need so badly to escape all of this.

sigh.