Father's Day... again

Well here we are... another Father's Day.  This is the fourth one since we started trying.  Granted the first one we were in our second month of trying and figured (like most couples) that by the next one we'd have a baby.  The second one, we'd been trying over a year and I was pretty upset and worried.  Hubby was still ok - figuring (in his rose-coloured glasses way) that it was going to happen soon.  Last year was horrible for me.  I cried a good part of the day. I  felt horrible about the fact that I was the reason that my husband wasn't a father yet... that if he had married someone else, he'd be a father, possibly twice by now.  He was a bit upset, but still not doing to bad.

This year is different.  I still have that guilt, but it's not so horribly debilitating.  I asked hubby how he's doing and he said that he's fine.  How is that possible.  On Mother's Day I wanted to curl up and die!  I asked him how he does it.  He said that if we were still stuck in limbo he'd probably be upset, but we're not.  He sees us moving forward with a plan that will get us a child.

His theory is this....  We've started the international adoption process.  The process to adopt from United States is quite short, so there is a good possibility that by this time next year we are just waiting for the baby to be born, or have already brought our baby home.  Our friends were told it was (due to a short waiting list right now) probably less than six months for a match.  The other thing that hubby said was that he's still really optimistic about the appointment with the RE next week.  He said that he figures that if we make it clear that I don't want to keep my uterus, I just want one child from it, that the RE might be willing to push ahead with fertility treatments as soon as I have a clear biopsy... which hopefully will be in August.

I love that he's able to be optimistic.  I want to be optimistic, but I'm pretty guarded about the whole thing.  I worry about letting my hopes be crushed again.  I'm trying to realistic, but I don't want to push hope away completely.  It's a fine balance.

As usual, I logged onto FB this morning and felt horrible... all these Father's Day messages.... and my email had a message from my sister-in-law about what they did for my brother - yes the same brother who is a complete asshole.  We stopped at my parents' place today and my mother had to tell me all about the morning my brother had.  Way to rub salt in the wounds.  I know that Father's Day will never be for me, but I still feel horrible about depriving my husband of the day, and of being a father in general.

The last straw was the picture that my cousin's kid posted on FB... his girlfriend had their baby this morning. So, yes, the generation below me has started having kids.  He's not the first in the generation to have a kid, but he is the first to have one since we've been trying.  It made me angry - they weren't even trying... the baby was an "accident".  Meanwhile, we keep trudging along trying to make one ourselves and without any luck.

I really hope that next year I don't have to write a similar post - last year I know that I said the same thing, and I'm no further along this year.... where did the year go. :(