Well, I had my endometrial biopsy today, and yeah it was that fabulous!
The oncologist had prescribed me 1 mg of Ativan and 1 mg of Hydromophone to help with anxiety and pain. Guess what... it did fuck all to help! The pain was just as bad as the last one - maybe even worse. I cried out in pain a number of times. The doctor just kept saying "keep breathing normally". I kept trying to take deep breaths, but the pain was so bad I couldn't breathe. When it was all done, the room was spinning and I had broken out in a cold sweat, and couldnt' open my eyes. I laid there for a few minutes then got up and promptly fell over. It's a great feeling, having your naked ass hit the exam room floor. That didn't help with the after cramping either, let me tell you.
On a scale of 1-10 of pain, this biopsy was an 8 easily. The oncologist said that it's just not worth it to do it with general anesthesia. I disagree, but the doctor has to agree. She did say that perhaps doing it with an IV drip might be a good idea. I guess we'll find out in 3 months when I got back for another one.
Seriously, this might be the thing that decides whether we do more than one pregnancy. If we manage the first pregnancy, the time between the first and second is going to have to have biopsies in order to make sure that everything is still good while I'm not pregnant. I don't know if I can handle that.
For the last four nights I haven't slept. I finally took a sleeping pill last night and it did knock me out which was good, but I don't feel rested. The supposed hard-core narcotic pain killer didn't even take down my headache that I had going into the biopsy. I tried to tell them that pain hurts me more than other people and drugs don't work well on me. I once had a tooth pulled and it took 17 needles to almost freeze my mouth. When I needed stitches in my knee, it took 6 needles to freeze it. When I had my tonsils out, I counted backward from 10, hit zero, then started backward from 100... I got to 77 before I passed out. Painkillers don't work well on me. At least the oncologist knows for next time that this dose didn't work and maybe she can come up with a better solution.
So yeah, the biopsy was horrific.
Top it off... she took one look down there and told me that she's sure that I have an infection. She gave me a prescription for two antibiotics and told me to take them even though we don't know what it is. She said if it needs to be changed, she'll call when she gets the results. Then she told me that I have some "lesions" down there, and was surprised that I wasn't in pain. She also said that I have spots on my cervix and it looks pretty disturbed and there is obvious infection. These antibiotics are pretty strong stuff (Keflex and Flagyl) so hopefully they will do the job.
On the upside, the MRI I had in early June to see if there was any cancer anywhere in that area, came back completely clear... so yay for that! Since the RE said that the lining was only 15 mm in June, and the oncologist said that the fact that I've only had two days of spotting (which she said was completely normal), the oncologist said that the meds were obviously working and she was optimistic. She also thought she had me on half the dosage so that's a bit strange... but whatever... hopefully it's worked.
So right now I"m nesting on the couch - blankies, pillows, tv, computer, and iPhone... oh and some chocolate chip cookies (I splurged and got them even though they have wheat in them and I'm not supposed to have it... I figure I've earned it). I think that I'll break another rule and have a Diet Coke too.... why not... the day is shot and I'm in pain! I damned well think I've earned it!
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
Sunday, 5 August 2012
Damned Computer
For the last few days my computer hasn't been able to load Blogger. I mean, I can read other blogs, and even my own, but when I hit the little pencil to try to write a new piece, it doesn't work. It just keeps saying "loading". So frustrating. This time it worked, so I'm going to try to fit a bunch in ... sorry.
My car died. I mean completely died. We took the puppy to the vet for shots and on the way home (around 7 pm) the car just stopped along the highway - about an hour and a half from home. I wanted to call my dad to come and pick us up, but my husband was determined to call his dad first (which made sense I guess since they live only half an hour from where we broke down, and my dad is over an hour). His father told us that we could tow the car to his house and then borrow his old truck to go home. Then after a lot of complaining and asking why we couldn't just ride with the tow truck (um, because we have the dog with us?) and why we couldn't just let the dog ride in the car as it was being towed (um, because he is 4 months old!), he finally came to get us. When he got there he told us that we couldn't borrow the truck and would have to spend the night. Now, if you have a dog who is crate trained, trying to get them to sleep outside a crate for one night (without some prior practice) is nearly impossible. After an hour of being closed into the bathroom (father-in-law's suggestion), the whining and barking started. Hubby had to sleep on the couch holding the dog's collar all night for him to settle down - even then it was only three hours of sleep all night... making for a very grumpy and tired puppy the next day. On top of that, I got no sleep either, and we had no overnight bag, so I had to sleep in my clothes and had nothing to change into the next day. Now, I told you before of my previous experience with my mother-in-law and the dog. I am still furious and had no intention of going back to her house with or without the dog for a long time. I was not given a choice. So I was stuck in the basement with a grumpy dog all alone and to top it off my phone was nearly dead (with no charger) and there was NOTHING on TV. I ended up taking the dog for an hour walk - we were both exhausted and he slept for and hour and then wanted to go again! Around 3 pm, after 6 hours of working on the car, father-in-law finally gave up having no clue what could be wrong - checked the alternator, belts, battery, starter, and a couple of other things. The fan started going off when the door was opened (with no key in the ignition) - so he thinks it is an electrical issue. He hands us his truck keys and says that he'll get it looked at on Tuesday. So we pile the groceries and purchases into a garbage bag and weigh it down with rocks, then pile the rest of it, us, and the dog into the cab of the truck and head for home. The good news is that the puppy traveled wonderfully - of course he did, he could cuddle up to us all time. By the time we got home, we all were exhausted and just wanted to sleep. We didn't even have supper. So long story short - my car died and who knows what that's going to cost - stay tuned.
In IF news, my endometrial biopsy is on Tuesday. Yes, this Tuesday. When I booked it I told the nurse (who is amazing by the way) that I am really anxious because every biopsy has gotten worse and worse for pain. She said she'd talk to the doctor. She called me back and said that they would fax a prescription to the pharmacy for me. She prescribed fast-acting Ativan and Hydromorphone. Apparently this is supposed to help with the anxiety and the pain. Hopefully it works. I'm really terrified that it is going to be super-painful again. I know it's only a couple of minutes, but I'm already freaking out about the pain and really don't want to go there again. I've been in a total funk over this upcoming biopsy for the last week at least. I'm terrified of the pain and I"m terrified of the results. This biopsy could be the thing that turns us back from the TTC in the fall, or it could clear us which then causes all sorts of extra issues because the weight just isn't coming off... but that's another post. So, yeah, the biopsy is really getting me down - I really don't want to do it... and I'm stuck on the "it's so not fair" thing again. :(
My car died. I mean completely died. We took the puppy to the vet for shots and on the way home (around 7 pm) the car just stopped along the highway - about an hour and a half from home. I wanted to call my dad to come and pick us up, but my husband was determined to call his dad first (which made sense I guess since they live only half an hour from where we broke down, and my dad is over an hour). His father told us that we could tow the car to his house and then borrow his old truck to go home. Then after a lot of complaining and asking why we couldn't just ride with the tow truck (um, because we have the dog with us?) and why we couldn't just let the dog ride in the car as it was being towed (um, because he is 4 months old!), he finally came to get us. When he got there he told us that we couldn't borrow the truck and would have to spend the night. Now, if you have a dog who is crate trained, trying to get them to sleep outside a crate for one night (without some prior practice) is nearly impossible. After an hour of being closed into the bathroom (father-in-law's suggestion), the whining and barking started. Hubby had to sleep on the couch holding the dog's collar all night for him to settle down - even then it was only three hours of sleep all night... making for a very grumpy and tired puppy the next day. On top of that, I got no sleep either, and we had no overnight bag, so I had to sleep in my clothes and had nothing to change into the next day. Now, I told you before of my previous experience with my mother-in-law and the dog. I am still furious and had no intention of going back to her house with or without the dog for a long time. I was not given a choice. So I was stuck in the basement with a grumpy dog all alone and to top it off my phone was nearly dead (with no charger) and there was NOTHING on TV. I ended up taking the dog for an hour walk - we were both exhausted and he slept for and hour and then wanted to go again! Around 3 pm, after 6 hours of working on the car, father-in-law finally gave up having no clue what could be wrong - checked the alternator, belts, battery, starter, and a couple of other things. The fan started going off when the door was opened (with no key in the ignition) - so he thinks it is an electrical issue. He hands us his truck keys and says that he'll get it looked at on Tuesday. So we pile the groceries and purchases into a garbage bag and weigh it down with rocks, then pile the rest of it, us, and the dog into the cab of the truck and head for home. The good news is that the puppy traveled wonderfully - of course he did, he could cuddle up to us all time. By the time we got home, we all were exhausted and just wanted to sleep. We didn't even have supper. So long story short - my car died and who knows what that's going to cost - stay tuned.
In IF news, my endometrial biopsy is on Tuesday. Yes, this Tuesday. When I booked it I told the nurse (who is amazing by the way) that I am really anxious because every biopsy has gotten worse and worse for pain. She said she'd talk to the doctor. She called me back and said that they would fax a prescription to the pharmacy for me. She prescribed fast-acting Ativan and Hydromorphone. Apparently this is supposed to help with the anxiety and the pain. Hopefully it works. I'm really terrified that it is going to be super-painful again. I know it's only a couple of minutes, but I'm already freaking out about the pain and really don't want to go there again. I've been in a total funk over this upcoming biopsy for the last week at least. I'm terrified of the pain and I"m terrified of the results. This biopsy could be the thing that turns us back from the TTC in the fall, or it could clear us which then causes all sorts of extra issues because the weight just isn't coming off... but that's another post. So, yeah, the biopsy is really getting me down - I really don't want to do it... and I'm stuck on the "it's so not fair" thing again. :(
Friday, 27 July 2012
Fibroid? Cyst? Polyp? Help!!!
Ok, fair warning, this post is going to be serious TMI... you've been warned.
So the first day of my last period was March 9th. In all fairness I was put on Provera (non-stop) up to that point, and then told to stop it at the beginning of March and wait for the biopsy results. I did, but nothing more happened AF wise after that March AF. Then in May I was put back on Provera (200 mg a day) and then switched to Megestrol (160 mg a day) so I haven't had a period at all. Not really complaining... honest. Nothing good has ever come from my periods.
Anyway, on June 26th, when I saw the RE, I had a visit from Mr. Wand-erful and the RE said that the lining looked normal, but thick (15 mm which was much less than the 34 in March, so I was happy about this).
My concern is this. I've had a couple of instances of cramping and bleeding... just out of the blue. On July 15th and 25th, I had a bad cramp suddenly, and then (and this is the TMI part), when I went to the bathroom I noticed the blood. Bright red, on the TP and in the water. It didn't last long either day - in fact when I put on a pad, no blood actually hit it, but there was definitely blood... both times.
So I start consulting Dr. Google and he says (over and over) miscarriage and/or pregnancy. Well thank you so much. Even when I tell him to NOT search those terms it comes up. It's like, here's some salt for that wound. I KNOW that I'm not pregnant. Can't get pregnant on these drugs, and not ovulating so makes it pretty fucking hard to get pregnant... and you know what? If I'm not pregnant, then miscarriage is out of the question too.
Everything else I find says fibroid, polyp, or even cyst. I had one person tell me that she had that problem and had an orange sized fibroid. But here's the thing - whatever is causing it had to develop in only two weeks as I had a clear u/s in June.
Anyone have any ideas? Do you think it might just be my body saying that it wants to shed and the drugs won't let it? Spotting is a side effect of Megestrol, but I hadn't had any spotting for the month prior that I was on it, so it didn't seem likely to me.
I'm just starting to worry that it's something else that might be happening. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have something else be wrong on top of all the other IF problems that I have?? Did you get the sarcasm there? yeah, I'm so over all of this!
Any help or ideas is appreciated!
So the first day of my last period was March 9th. In all fairness I was put on Provera (non-stop) up to that point, and then told to stop it at the beginning of March and wait for the biopsy results. I did, but nothing more happened AF wise after that March AF. Then in May I was put back on Provera (200 mg a day) and then switched to Megestrol (160 mg a day) so I haven't had a period at all. Not really complaining... honest. Nothing good has ever come from my periods.
Anyway, on June 26th, when I saw the RE, I had a visit from Mr. Wand-erful and the RE said that the lining looked normal, but thick (15 mm which was much less than the 34 in March, so I was happy about this).
My concern is this. I've had a couple of instances of cramping and bleeding... just out of the blue. On July 15th and 25th, I had a bad cramp suddenly, and then (and this is the TMI part), when I went to the bathroom I noticed the blood. Bright red, on the TP and in the water. It didn't last long either day - in fact when I put on a pad, no blood actually hit it, but there was definitely blood... both times.
So I start consulting Dr. Google and he says (over and over) miscarriage and/or pregnancy. Well thank you so much. Even when I tell him to NOT search those terms it comes up. It's like, here's some salt for that wound. I KNOW that I'm not pregnant. Can't get pregnant on these drugs, and not ovulating so makes it pretty fucking hard to get pregnant... and you know what? If I'm not pregnant, then miscarriage is out of the question too.
Everything else I find says fibroid, polyp, or even cyst. I had one person tell me that she had that problem and had an orange sized fibroid. But here's the thing - whatever is causing it had to develop in only two weeks as I had a clear u/s in June.
Anyone have any ideas? Do you think it might just be my body saying that it wants to shed and the drugs won't let it? Spotting is a side effect of Megestrol, but I hadn't had any spotting for the month prior that I was on it, so it didn't seem likely to me.
I'm just starting to worry that it's something else that might be happening. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have something else be wrong on top of all the other IF problems that I have?? Did you get the sarcasm there? yeah, I'm so over all of this!
Any help or ideas is appreciated!
Thursday, 19 July 2012
Anniversary Drama
I feel like all I've been doing lately is venting, but here goes again... you've been warned.
Yesterday was our third wedding anniversary. I know that three years probably doesn't seem like much to some people, but given that we've been going through this IF bullshit since before we got married - the fact that we've lasted three whole years through it, and don't want to kill each other (most days) is amazing. Anyway, I was out shopping with a friend in the morning and then met up with hubby for a nice supper (well, Red Lobster - but I guess that's nice, right?) So I got home around 3 and we decided to do an early supper at about 5ish. We took the dog for a walk and put him in his kennel. I should mention that we were in the city at my inlaws at this point.
So we put the dog in his kennel and went out for supper. Let me tell you right now that we were gone barely more than 90 minutes from the time we left til the time we got back. I walked into the house just before 7:30 and went into the basement to get the dog out of his kennel. He wasn't in there. So I figured that my mother-in-law took him outside. She had. I went outside and she was sitting there with this awful look on her face. I said hi and she was super cold. The woman is never toasty warm and lovey dovey, but she was icy at that point. I asked if he had been barking. She said yes. I thanked her for taking him out and then told her that the barking was him just hearing her and being a typical puppy (always wanting attention). She asked how long we were gone and I told her not even two hours.
When my husband came outside, she got colder. The tension was palpable so I took the dog inside. I was barely through the door when the shitstorm started. She started asking how long we were gone (um, didn't I just tell you?) and why we thought it was ok to abandon our dog in the house (he was in his kennel and was fine). She apparently (I was in the basement at this point) told my husband that we were shirking our dog ownership responsibilities and were not being good owners because we left him alone in his cage. The fight was on then. She told my husband that we should pack up and leave. This was nearly 8 pm at this point, and we have two hours of driving to get home. Plus, we had errands that we had to do before we could leave the city. To top it off, we'd rented a couple of videos to have a nice quiet anniversary evening... so we took those back unwatched.
As we were packing, she tried to talk to my husband again - she told him that it wasn't her responsibility to take care of our dog. He told her that she didn't need to. He would have been fine. He sleeps for three-four hours at time during the day in his cage, and at night he does 8 hours straight. He's not a human baby, he doesn't need constant attention and care. She said that my husband didn't know how to take care of a dog. He responded with maybe he didn't, but I certainly did given that I'd had one for 18 fucking years. She stormed off and he got madder.
We finally got packed up and ran our errands - some of which had to be left because places were closed. We went for groceries and finally got out of the city at about 9:30. Part of that was because I got completely sick while grocery shopping. The bad side effects of some of the food at Red Lobster - they put white wine on some of their stuff and I've got a bad allergy to wine. Even when I ask them to be careful, sometimes it cross-contaminates and stomach issues happen. But I digress.
Apparently while I was in the store, hubby called his father who was out of town on a business trip. FIL has been wanting help drywalling his new shop. This is how the conversation went:
Hubby: Hi, how are you?
FIL: good, and you?
Hubby: Pretty pissed off, your wife kicked me out of your house. Have fun with the drywall. Call me in September. (click)
When hubby told me this I told him that he should apologize to his dad because he had nothing to do with it. Hubby was incensed and said he can't go to help if he can't bring the dog. I told him that I could keep the dog at home for the day and he could go in. So he texted his dad today and apologized - no response, but at least he tried to man up.
Am I being completely unreasonable about this? Pet owners... help me out here? The dog was fine in his cage for a couple of hours and we were just wanting a nice dinner out. If it hadn't been 30 degrees yesterday we would have taken him and put him in the car, but that wasn't safe. If she would have just ignored him for 10 seconds, he would have quieted down. I don't think that we're being unreasonable.
I just can't believe that she pulled this shit and kicked us out at 8 pm so that we didn't get home until after 11:30 - particularly when she knew that I was sick too. AND on our anniversary.
She has done lots of little stuff to piss me off, but this has to be a new low.
Both hubby and I said that if she would have just said "Look, I don't really want you leaving the dog alone in the house", we would have apologized and not done it again, but we didn't see an issue in doing it, so we did, and her response was to have a hissy fit and kick us out?
Am I wrong to be pissed off?
Yesterday was our third wedding anniversary. I know that three years probably doesn't seem like much to some people, but given that we've been going through this IF bullshit since before we got married - the fact that we've lasted three whole years through it, and don't want to kill each other (most days) is amazing. Anyway, I was out shopping with a friend in the morning and then met up with hubby for a nice supper (well, Red Lobster - but I guess that's nice, right?) So I got home around 3 and we decided to do an early supper at about 5ish. We took the dog for a walk and put him in his kennel. I should mention that we were in the city at my inlaws at this point.
So we put the dog in his kennel and went out for supper. Let me tell you right now that we were gone barely more than 90 minutes from the time we left til the time we got back. I walked into the house just before 7:30 and went into the basement to get the dog out of his kennel. He wasn't in there. So I figured that my mother-in-law took him outside. She had. I went outside and she was sitting there with this awful look on her face. I said hi and she was super cold. The woman is never toasty warm and lovey dovey, but she was icy at that point. I asked if he had been barking. She said yes. I thanked her for taking him out and then told her that the barking was him just hearing her and being a typical puppy (always wanting attention). She asked how long we were gone and I told her not even two hours.
When my husband came outside, she got colder. The tension was palpable so I took the dog inside. I was barely through the door when the shitstorm started. She started asking how long we were gone (um, didn't I just tell you?) and why we thought it was ok to abandon our dog in the house (he was in his kennel and was fine). She apparently (I was in the basement at this point) told my husband that we were shirking our dog ownership responsibilities and were not being good owners because we left him alone in his cage. The fight was on then. She told my husband that we should pack up and leave. This was nearly 8 pm at this point, and we have two hours of driving to get home. Plus, we had errands that we had to do before we could leave the city. To top it off, we'd rented a couple of videos to have a nice quiet anniversary evening... so we took those back unwatched.
As we were packing, she tried to talk to my husband again - she told him that it wasn't her responsibility to take care of our dog. He told her that she didn't need to. He would have been fine. He sleeps for three-four hours at time during the day in his cage, and at night he does 8 hours straight. He's not a human baby, he doesn't need constant attention and care. She said that my husband didn't know how to take care of a dog. He responded with maybe he didn't, but I certainly did given that I'd had one for 18 fucking years. She stormed off and he got madder.
We finally got packed up and ran our errands - some of which had to be left because places were closed. We went for groceries and finally got out of the city at about 9:30. Part of that was because I got completely sick while grocery shopping. The bad side effects of some of the food at Red Lobster - they put white wine on some of their stuff and I've got a bad allergy to wine. Even when I ask them to be careful, sometimes it cross-contaminates and stomach issues happen. But I digress.
Apparently while I was in the store, hubby called his father who was out of town on a business trip. FIL has been wanting help drywalling his new shop. This is how the conversation went:
Hubby: Hi, how are you?
FIL: good, and you?
Hubby: Pretty pissed off, your wife kicked me out of your house. Have fun with the drywall. Call me in September. (click)
When hubby told me this I told him that he should apologize to his dad because he had nothing to do with it. Hubby was incensed and said he can't go to help if he can't bring the dog. I told him that I could keep the dog at home for the day and he could go in. So he texted his dad today and apologized - no response, but at least he tried to man up.
Am I being completely unreasonable about this? Pet owners... help me out here? The dog was fine in his cage for a couple of hours and we were just wanting a nice dinner out. If it hadn't been 30 degrees yesterday we would have taken him and put him in the car, but that wasn't safe. If she would have just ignored him for 10 seconds, he would have quieted down. I don't think that we're being unreasonable.
I just can't believe that she pulled this shit and kicked us out at 8 pm so that we didn't get home until after 11:30 - particularly when she knew that I was sick too. AND on our anniversary.
She has done lots of little stuff to piss me off, but this has to be a new low.
Both hubby and I said that if she would have just said "Look, I don't really want you leaving the dog alone in the house", we would have apologized and not done it again, but we didn't see an issue in doing it, so we did, and her response was to have a hissy fit and kick us out?
Am I wrong to be pissed off?
Monday, 9 July 2012
Mother-in-Law
So this is a vent post... you've been warned.
First of all, let me say that I do really love my in-laws. I get along great with them. They are really wonderful people and I don't cringe about going to their house or having them come over... but sometimes, my mother-in-law drives me crazy!
She is a neat freak. By that I don't mean that she keeps a clean house, I mean that everything needs to be spotless. How she raised my husband (who is a major slob most of the time) is beyond me! Let me give you an example... she won't let us walk around in bare feet on her hardwood floor because it leaves footprints. The woman must have Xray heat vision or something, because nobody else can see those foot prints. I really hope that she gets to enjoy the fun of a grandchild at some point so that she can go completely crazy, because I guarantee that any child who comes from me will refuse to wear socks. lol.
Anyway, my in-laws are very generous. I have probably mentioned before, but they have too much money... the type of wealth that has them looking for new things to do around the house because the money is burning a hole in their pockets. Recently their dishwasher quit on them, so they bought a new one - a nice stainless steel one. So, naturally, that meant that they needed to replace the rest of their appliances so that they are all new and stainless. They offered us their 4 year old flat-top stove. Naturally we jumped at it. Then they decided that they would get a new washer and dryer to match the rest of the appliances. So they offered us their "old" ones (again these are about 6 years old). The washer/dryer that we have came with our house and it is identical to the ones that my mother had in our mobile home growing up - they were new in 1983. So I was quick to say YES to the much newer front loading washer and much better dryer! We brought them out a couple of weeks ago, but waited to install them until yesterday when the father-in-law could come and help to get it set up properly. Apparently you need to make sure that those front loaders are completely level or they don't work right.
So the in-laws came out yesterday.
First of all, they say that they are going to be there shortly after lunch. They call when they were about half an hour away, at 10 am, and ask "oh, did we wake you?". No! I've been awake since 6 am... puppy remember?? Then they inform me that they are half an hour away. Great! We were about 90 minutes away from finished cleaning up. So it resulted in a massive quick sweep of the place and pushing stuff under beds, etc. I had no intention of cleaning the bedroom, but my husband decided that he needed his dad to also install the ceiling fan that we had purchased - last summer! So that needed cleaning too.
Now, I'm not the worst house-keeper in the world, but I'm not a neat freak. I don't care if there are dishes in the kitchen - hell I don't care if there is a plate left on the coffee table overnight either. I don't care if laundry piles up. I don't care if the floor isn't swept every night, or the carpet vaccuumed every day. My house is livable, it doesn't look like a museum and I'm ok with that. I figure there are more important things than cleaning. We don't live in squalor or filth - just a bit of clutter (no, not hoarders type clutter lol). My house is very much like my mother's. Not a surprise.
So here's the vent. My mother-in-law walked into my house and wasn't there for even three minutes when she grabbed the dishcloth and started to wipe down counters and the sides of my portable dishwasher. Seriously! The dishwasher. For the record, I actually scrubbed it down with a scrubbing pad and soap earlier - there wasn't a spot on it. She scrubbed the countertops and said "just in case you need to cook there". For the record, I had just washed the counters with soap about five minutes earlier. She grabbed my broom and swept the floor... I had just washed it about 20 minutes before they showed up. When they moved out the washer and dryer, I swept and scrubbed underneath, and then she went back 3 minutes later and swept it again - with the dirty broom on the wet floor. So then it needed to be washed again.
It makes me mental. I work like a dog to get the house into a respectable condition so that I don't feel like a giant failure as a wife/daughter-in-law and then all of this happens and I feel like complete shit about myself. Nothing I do as far as my house is good enough. She constantly makes "suggestions" as to what we should do with the house and what we need to fix or improve. Nothing is ever good enough.
Sorry for the vent, I'm just so frustrated!
First of all, let me say that I do really love my in-laws. I get along great with them. They are really wonderful people and I don't cringe about going to their house or having them come over... but sometimes, my mother-in-law drives me crazy!
She is a neat freak. By that I don't mean that she keeps a clean house, I mean that everything needs to be spotless. How she raised my husband (who is a major slob most of the time) is beyond me! Let me give you an example... she won't let us walk around in bare feet on her hardwood floor because it leaves footprints. The woman must have Xray heat vision or something, because nobody else can see those foot prints. I really hope that she gets to enjoy the fun of a grandchild at some point so that she can go completely crazy, because I guarantee that any child who comes from me will refuse to wear socks. lol.
Anyway, my in-laws are very generous. I have probably mentioned before, but they have too much money... the type of wealth that has them looking for new things to do around the house because the money is burning a hole in their pockets. Recently their dishwasher quit on them, so they bought a new one - a nice stainless steel one. So, naturally, that meant that they needed to replace the rest of their appliances so that they are all new and stainless. They offered us their 4 year old flat-top stove. Naturally we jumped at it. Then they decided that they would get a new washer and dryer to match the rest of the appliances. So they offered us their "old" ones (again these are about 6 years old). The washer/dryer that we have came with our house and it is identical to the ones that my mother had in our mobile home growing up - they were new in 1983. So I was quick to say YES to the much newer front loading washer and much better dryer! We brought them out a couple of weeks ago, but waited to install them until yesterday when the father-in-law could come and help to get it set up properly. Apparently you need to make sure that those front loaders are completely level or they don't work right.
So the in-laws came out yesterday.
First of all, they say that they are going to be there shortly after lunch. They call when they were about half an hour away, at 10 am, and ask "oh, did we wake you?". No! I've been awake since 6 am... puppy remember?? Then they inform me that they are half an hour away. Great! We were about 90 minutes away from finished cleaning up. So it resulted in a massive quick sweep of the place and pushing stuff under beds, etc. I had no intention of cleaning the bedroom, but my husband decided that he needed his dad to also install the ceiling fan that we had purchased - last summer! So that needed cleaning too.
Now, I'm not the worst house-keeper in the world, but I'm not a neat freak. I don't care if there are dishes in the kitchen - hell I don't care if there is a plate left on the coffee table overnight either. I don't care if laundry piles up. I don't care if the floor isn't swept every night, or the carpet vaccuumed every day. My house is livable, it doesn't look like a museum and I'm ok with that. I figure there are more important things than cleaning. We don't live in squalor or filth - just a bit of clutter (no, not hoarders type clutter lol). My house is very much like my mother's. Not a surprise.
So here's the vent. My mother-in-law walked into my house and wasn't there for even three minutes when she grabbed the dishcloth and started to wipe down counters and the sides of my portable dishwasher. Seriously! The dishwasher. For the record, I actually scrubbed it down with a scrubbing pad and soap earlier - there wasn't a spot on it. She scrubbed the countertops and said "just in case you need to cook there". For the record, I had just washed the counters with soap about five minutes earlier. She grabbed my broom and swept the floor... I had just washed it about 20 minutes before they showed up. When they moved out the washer and dryer, I swept and scrubbed underneath, and then she went back 3 minutes later and swept it again - with the dirty broom on the wet floor. So then it needed to be washed again.
It makes me mental. I work like a dog to get the house into a respectable condition so that I don't feel like a giant failure as a wife/daughter-in-law and then all of this happens and I feel like complete shit about myself. Nothing I do as far as my house is good enough. She constantly makes "suggestions" as to what we should do with the house and what we need to fix or improve. Nothing is ever good enough.
Sorry for the vent, I'm just so frustrated!
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
RE visit
Well the RE appointment wasn't too bad, but it's not everything that I hoped for either. Here's the basics...
So the end result was that we are looking at an appointment in September after the August biopsy results. Hopefully the biopsy is clear and we can start some major planning at that time. She couldnt' do any blood tests because I"m on these high dose progresterones and on CD 110. I asked about doing Clomid and IUI for a couple of cycles first and she said if we wanted to we probably could rather than jumping right into IVF. She even said that it's possible that if we could get the lining to cooperate, stimulating ovulation might be all we need. Plus the cost of IUI is much much cheaper.
So, that's where we're at. I felt like shit all day yesterday because I was feeling pissed about not losing enough weight, etc.
At least we're in to her now and the fall appointment should be easy to book - so that's a good thing.
- Apparently I've shrunk or something - I think the nurse was just too short to properly measure me, because I am definitely not less than 6 feet. I haven't been below 6 feet since highschool, I've definitely not shrunk 2 inches in the last 6 months.
- We waited a long time, but at least there were comfy couches and the room was private - nobody else in there which is good because it's also the maternity waiting room.... that's awkward!
- We met with the resident who did a history - she led me to believe that we weren't looking at a favourable response from the RE - and then left us in the meeting room while she consulted with the RE.
- The RE came in and talked with us for a while. She was naturally concerned about the hyperplasia and suggested again that a hysterectomy is the typical treatment. I made it clear that we've heard that before and I'm not interested until we have a child. She agreed and said that there are more conservative treatments and I'm on one of them, so that's the best move right now. She said that as soon as we get a clear biopsy, we should do IVF right away.
- The discussion of IVF led to a discussion about weight. I shouldn't be surprised - I expected it. Nearly every time I see a new doctor, the discussion goes to weight. First of all, let me say that I"m more than aware that I'm fat - I've been fat since I was a kid. This is not a surprise - often I want to get a shocked look on my face and say "what??? I'm fat???? when did that happen???", but given that I want this doctor to help me, I figured I should just shut the fuck up!
- The RE said that to do IVF, she would prefer the BMI to be below 35, but in the very least below 40. She said 40 is only if there are no other health issues (blood pressure, blood sugar, etc) and that if she can visualise the ovaries well. She went on to explain that when you are overweight, the ovaries don't stimulate properly (well no, actually mine grew a nice egg on just 50 mg of Clomid), the lining doesn't cooperate (well mine would probably be uncooperative without extra weight too - it just hates me), the body doesn't stand up well to pregnancy (well, I've known a lot of women who are overweight who have had perfectly healthy pregnancies). Anyway, she said that BMI below 40 is a must and she wants it below 35.
- I've lost 33 lbs and brought my BMI down nearly 5 pts since the beginning of May, so that's good... but I just walked away feeling like it just wasn't enough. How about credit for what I've already done... doesn't that mean anything? She said that I should keep doing what I"m doing, and keep working on losing while I'm on the cancer treatments. To bring my BMI to the level she wants, I need to lose another 80 lbs!! That's a lot.
- She did a trans-vag ultrasound and Mr. Wand-erful saw my left ovary no problems. It was perfectly healthy and had about 10 follicles on it. She said that was great given that I"m on meds that should be suppressing the ovaries. So they are in good shape if my hormones would cooperate. She also said that she could easily see it to do retrieval so that was good. She could not find the right ovary though. She wanted to know if anyone had ever seen it. I said that I'd never had a scan where they couldnt' find it. She said sometimes it's a fluke and it hides a bit, so she wasn't too worried. She said that if the left one was developing follicles, then the right probably was too and that she thought my numbers were good.
- The good news is that she measured my lining and it's down to 15 mm. I know that sounds bad and she said "oh, it's still quite thick"... but in November it measured 28 mm and in March, the ob/gyn estimated it to be around 35 mm, so 15 is great! Hopefully it shrinks more by August.
So the end result was that we are looking at an appointment in September after the August biopsy results. Hopefully the biopsy is clear and we can start some major planning at that time. She couldnt' do any blood tests because I"m on these high dose progresterones and on CD 110. I asked about doing Clomid and IUI for a couple of cycles first and she said if we wanted to we probably could rather than jumping right into IVF. She even said that it's possible that if we could get the lining to cooperate, stimulating ovulation might be all we need. Plus the cost of IUI is much much cheaper.
So, that's where we're at. I felt like shit all day yesterday because I was feeling pissed about not losing enough weight, etc.
At least we're in to her now and the fall appointment should be easy to book - so that's a good thing.
Monday, 25 June 2012
Big Day Tomorrow
Tomorrow is my first appointment with an RE. It takes a lot to get into one of them in this province. There are only about three in the province and in order to get in to one you have to be referred by another specialist. In this province, an Ob/gyn is considered a specialist. Most people just go to their GPs for pregnancy and woman related issues. For me, it was a double referral. The ob/gyn and the oncologist both referred me to the clinic saying that this recurrence of the hyperplasia was not normal and that I should be ovulating given all of my blood tests. I should have waited until September/October to get in as there is a long waiting list, but thankfully there was a cancellation and I got it. I'm choosing to believe that someone cancelled because they had a successful pregnancy, not for other, less happy, reasons.
So, tomorrow we're off to the RE. Hubby is a bit nervous about giving his "sample". It has to be better than when he had to give one for the ob/gyn's records and he was given a cup in the hospital and told to fill it. Where you might ask? Find a bathroom he was told. So that was fun for him - people walking by, standing outside waiting, etc. Hopefully this is a bit more discrete given that it's an actual fertility clinic... hopefully. Although I'm not holding out hope.
So I'm worried that the RE will discover something new and inhibiting to the conception. Like there isn't enough already! I am worried about what they are going to say about my weight. All I have to come back with is that I know I have to lose weight and that the grand total since May 10th is 33 lbs. That's a good start - they have to be happy with that ... right? I know it's not enough, but it's a start. Another 40 lbs will put me within their BMI suggestions (I was told it was only a suggestion and they are willing to work with women over the BMI as long as everything else is healthy - and lord knows every other test I have shows I'm healthy).
I don't know what to expect at all from this appointment - I don't know what to expect from them regarding tests, etc. My biggest fear at this point is that they do an ultrasound and my lining is still really messed up. I've been on the drugs for six weeks and I'm hoping that it's starting to improve - although I"m not sure how it can when I haven't bled at all - not even a spot - so I would guess that the lining is still there.
No, wait, my biggest fear is that they will want to repeat the HSG since it was about a year ago. I can't handle another one of those. Worst. Pain. Ever. Seriously! I've never experienced pain so bad that I wanted to just die and I"ve broken an ankle and had a boil growing on my eardrum (yes, you read that right... good times, good times)... not to mention the 10 bouts of pneumonia that I've dealt with. Nothing compares to the HSG. I'm terrified they will want to repeat it. This time I know what to expect and I'm not doing it without some serious drugs... It's not fair that women in the states are offered drugs for simple biopsies and we are told to take ibuprofen (I'm allergic by the way and aceteminophen does nothing for that area).
Who know what will happen. Hubby has his appointment at 10:30 and mine is at 2:00.
My hope is that we can come up with a plan that will work for us and we can plan out what our TTC future looks like. I know with the hyperplasia it's tough to come up with a plan. I just need something to focus on. I'm one of the lucky ones who ovulated on 50 mg of Clomid with a 5000 trigger, so at least I don't have to stair step or take a stupid amount of drugs - or injectibles... at least not yet. The one month that I was on Clomid I had a beautiful follicle on CD 11, triggered on 12, and ovulated on 13. Perfect timing, but nothing caught. The ob/gyn thought that it was likely because my lining was messed up - she compared it to the ceiling of a cave - said that nothing could grab on there because it was too uneven. *sigh*
I just need something to go right. I hope the RE has good news for us... at least something to keep us hopeful, because right now, nothing much seems hopeful. :(
So, tomorrow we're off to the RE. Hubby is a bit nervous about giving his "sample". It has to be better than when he had to give one for the ob/gyn's records and he was given a cup in the hospital and told to fill it. Where you might ask? Find a bathroom he was told. So that was fun for him - people walking by, standing outside waiting, etc. Hopefully this is a bit more discrete given that it's an actual fertility clinic... hopefully. Although I'm not holding out hope.
So I'm worried that the RE will discover something new and inhibiting to the conception. Like there isn't enough already! I am worried about what they are going to say about my weight. All I have to come back with is that I know I have to lose weight and that the grand total since May 10th is 33 lbs. That's a good start - they have to be happy with that ... right? I know it's not enough, but it's a start. Another 40 lbs will put me within their BMI suggestions (I was told it was only a suggestion and they are willing to work with women over the BMI as long as everything else is healthy - and lord knows every other test I have shows I'm healthy).
I don't know what to expect at all from this appointment - I don't know what to expect from them regarding tests, etc. My biggest fear at this point is that they do an ultrasound and my lining is still really messed up. I've been on the drugs for six weeks and I'm hoping that it's starting to improve - although I"m not sure how it can when I haven't bled at all - not even a spot - so I would guess that the lining is still there.
No, wait, my biggest fear is that they will want to repeat the HSG since it was about a year ago. I can't handle another one of those. Worst. Pain. Ever. Seriously! I've never experienced pain so bad that I wanted to just die and I"ve broken an ankle and had a boil growing on my eardrum (yes, you read that right... good times, good times)... not to mention the 10 bouts of pneumonia that I've dealt with. Nothing compares to the HSG. I'm terrified they will want to repeat it. This time I know what to expect and I'm not doing it without some serious drugs... It's not fair that women in the states are offered drugs for simple biopsies and we are told to take ibuprofen (I'm allergic by the way and aceteminophen does nothing for that area).
Who know what will happen. Hubby has his appointment at 10:30 and mine is at 2:00.
My hope is that we can come up with a plan that will work for us and we can plan out what our TTC future looks like. I know with the hyperplasia it's tough to come up with a plan. I just need something to focus on. I'm one of the lucky ones who ovulated on 50 mg of Clomid with a 5000 trigger, so at least I don't have to stair step or take a stupid amount of drugs - or injectibles... at least not yet. The one month that I was on Clomid I had a beautiful follicle on CD 11, triggered on 12, and ovulated on 13. Perfect timing, but nothing caught. The ob/gyn thought that it was likely because my lining was messed up - she compared it to the ceiling of a cave - said that nothing could grab on there because it was too uneven. *sigh*
I just need something to go right. I hope the RE has good news for us... at least something to keep us hopeful, because right now, nothing much seems hopeful. :(
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
