Friday, 13 May 2011

Can't Talk - too stressed!

Ok, so last weekend I was supposed to go and see my oncologist to get my biopsy results. Buuuuut... on the Thursday, right before the appointment, I got a message from the 12-year-old receptionist telling me that the appointment had to be cancelled.

Who does that? Who cancels an oncology results appointment! grrr. My hubby called them and gave them hell about it, but there was no changing the fact that the doctor wasn't available, and no amount of convincing could get them to have a different doctor give me the results. I was THIS close to going into the office and asking for a copy of my file, so that I could check out the results myself - but I figured they would deny that too.

So, I sat last week and stewed over the fact that I hadn't gotten any results and was still waiting... and waiting... and waiting.

So my appointment is rescheduled to tomorrow morning. 11:00 am. I feel suprisingly zen this week. I think that I may have finally hit an emotional wall with all of this.

I know that there are stages of grief, and I have been grieving over my inability to naturally conceive easily. And I've been greiving over what I may lose, and what I may end up having to do (hysterectomy before 35). I've had anger. I've had denial. I've had pleading and praying and begging and bargaining. I think that I've hit acceptance.

I think that it actually hit when talking to my mother on Monday. Monday was a long day. I love my mother but she knows how to push my buttons and she is completely dismissive of my current medical state. When we were talking about jobs and careers, she said "well you have to make a determination on where you want to move based on what would be best for your future family". We were driving in the car at the time, and I very calmly said "well, our future family may look just like our current family." She insisted that she meant kids. I told her that it was a reality that we may never be able to have kids and that I wasn't putting my life on hold and holding my breath that we would. She naturally dismissed my comments and said that I had to "think positive"

I think that the "think positive" comments bug me the most! As I told my mother, thinking postively will NOT change those biopsy results one iota. I know that positive thinking can improve health, etc. I'm not denying that. What I am saying however is that thinking positively will only result in me getting my hopes up and ending up devastated if it's not the results I want. I've always been a realist... this is no different.

I'm fine with the idea of having a hysterectomy. I don't believe that my femininity or identity as a woman are tied to my uterus. Hell, the idea of not having painful cramps or a period every month is a wonderful thought. I'm fine with them taking it away. But, I would really like the opportunity to have children, before that HAS to happen. At this point, I'd be happy with just one. We'll figure it out from there... but I want just one!

So this week, I kind of expected that I would be super-stressed and losing my mind awaiting results. I have barely thought about it. I'm sure that at 10:55 tomorrow I'll be a nervous wreck, but right now I'm ok. I honestly am not worried about it. I've tried to imagine how I will react if he gives me bad news - but I'm not sure. I think that I can handle a repeat of the pre-cancerous cells. I will definitely be disappionted, but I can handle it. I think that a diagnosis of cancerous cells may be the end of me. I'm not at THAT level of acceptance yet.

To top it off, I found on Wednesday of this week that my paternal grandmother had a hysterectomy when she was 60 because she had uterine cancer. Not a good sign for me. Up until this point, as far as I knew, we had cancer in the family background, but we had no female related cancer (no uterine, ovarian, cervical, or breast cancers). This changes everything. You may think it's strange that I didn't know already, but my grandmother died when i was 15 and she had 25 grandchildren (me being one of the youngest) and I was never really close with her. It wasn't until my mother asked her mother on the phone about her family history that my father piped up and said "hey, Ma had that, that's why she had a hysterectomy in '65".

So, I'm hoping for positive results. I'm hoping that he tells me that it's all clear and we can start really pushing for and getting help to have a baby. I'm hoping... I'm hoping... I'm hoping...



I'm hoping, too. I have a good feeling you'll be able to start trying in earnest VERY soon!

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