Sunday, 8 May 2011

Mother's Day... Happy? Really??

Facebook is trying to kill me.  I really believe that it is.  It's Mother's Day, or as I have been referring to it as "Happy You-Suck Day".  To me that's what it is.  And Facebook won't let me forget it.

I know that I should be focusing on the positives of this day. I grew up with a mother who loved me (in her own way).  A mother who I don't always get along with, and yes, who makes me crazy most days, but I think that she loves me in her own way.  It may not be like your typical mother would show love, but I do believe that she loves me.  I was cared for and given everything that I needed while I was growing up.  I am blessed with a mother-in-law who is a very strong and, while sometimes distant, caring woman.  She raised my wonderful husband and is always there when we need help.  I have a grandmother who loves me and has been incredibly supportive throughout the past few years of struggle that I've had.  I should be focused on these things, and not on how bad I feel for myself today.  Today is a pity party for me.

I won't deny that I feel like a total loser today.  I feel like I'm missing out.  I feel like I've been sitting and waiting in the clubhouse.  You know the one.  It's the one that nearly all little girls are part of... the "I'm going to be a mommy club".  Little girls play with their dolls and imagine their lives ahead of them when they will have real dollies to play with and care for.  Then, year by year, girls leave this club and move into a bigger clubhouse - the one where they have their real dollies, and the rest of us either willing walk out the clubhouse door and move onto something else, or are left sitting waiting in the clubhouse... left now however looking at the dolls with a big hole in our hearts and souls. 

Facebook is taunting me today.  In the last two days I've had two friends announce via FB that they are expecting.  Now, I shouldn't judge them.  I don't know their story.  They may have had the same problems that I've been having, but for some reason I doubt it.  When someone has been with their boyfriend for two or three years and then announces that they are pregnant - it is hard to believe that they have been struggling, but I shouldn't judge.  The point is that every time someone announces that they are pregnant, another part of me dies inside.  Yesterday and today on FB, there has been a non-stop stream of mother's day messages, and a variety of chain posts.  "Post the names and ages of your children", "Post a picture of your children" "Post a picture of your mother", etc, etc, etc,

The most recent one that I have seen is this:

To all the unselfish moms out there who traded sleep for dark circles, salon haircuts for a ponytail, long showers for quick ones, late nights for early mornings, and designer bags for diaper bags, and wouldn't change a thing. Let's see how many moms post this who don't care what they gave up and instead LOVE what they got in return...Post this if you LOVE being a MOM!! ♥
Happy Mother's Day!

This one really bothers me.  It implies that I've chosen to get a good sleep, chosen salon haircuts, chosen long showers, and chosen designer bags, rather than having a child.  It implies that all mothers have given up things in order to have children.  It implies that I have given up nothing or am not willing to give up anything because I don't have kids.  It really bothers me.  I have given up sleep and sanity because of the months of infertility and worry.  I have given up long showers because the shower has become a place where I don't relax, I cry.  I have given up designer bags (well I never really had any, but you get the point) because fertility treatments cost money as do numerous trips to the city to have procedures and tests to figure out the infertility.  I have given up sanity and peace and gone through tremendous physical pain all in the hopes of getting pregnant.  But, according to the public, I'm selfish because I don't have children.  

I found this on another blog today and I thought that I would share it.  It really does explain how many women struggling with infertility feel, particularly on a day like today.

We may not have stayed up late when the kids wouldn't go to bed.  But we've stayed up late worrying about our transfers he next morning.  We've stayed up late wondering why the agency hasn't called.  Stayed up late wondering "how on earth are we going to pay for this?"
We may not have endured 20 hours of labor and a natural birth. But we've endured countless hours in stirrups, endless rounds of needles and herbal treatments and painful surgeries. And years of silence and shame.

We may not have brought our child to work but we've sacrificed careers to stay in jobs we hate just to maintain specific health insurance coverage, however crappy that coverage might be - but it's better than paying 100% out of pocket

I just wish that, while people are wishing mother's a Happy Mother's Day, they could realise that sometimes what they say is painful and hurtful to those of us who want so desperately to be a mother, but for whatever reason can't.

So, while I know that I should be grateful for my mother, grandmother, and mother-in-law, I'm selfish.  I want more than anything to be a mother and I can't.  I want so desperately to hold my child and know that I can love this person more than I've every loved someone before.  I want it.  I can't seem to have it.  So, yes, while I wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day, I just hope that they recognize how lucky they are.  Because some of us are not that lucky, and my never be.



Even though I've been trying not to let today bother me, I have to say that reading all the "Happy Mother's Day" posts on Facebook really, really got to me. So, in response, I posted a link to the blog you quoted above. It's my own quiet way of speaking out and saying, "Um, hey, what about all the women who haven't been as fortunate? Don't we count for something?"


On the bright side, the day is half over!

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