CLICK HERE FOR FREE BLOGGER TEMPLATES, LINK BUTTONS AND MORE! »

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Awake in a Dream

Or is it a nightmare?

I've got that song running through my head - and not the great bootlegged Jacob Hoggard version either!  I've got the Kalen Porter version running through my head.  Ick.  For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about - it was from Canadian Idol circa 2004 (wow, was it really THAT long ago???)

Anyway - I feel like I"m awake in a dream.  But the dream won't end, and it's not a nice dream.

Basically it's after midnight and I have to work tomorrow and I"m still awake, freaking out about the biopsy tomorrow.

Mostly, it's going to hurt. :(  I hate pain.  And the dr's solution - take two tylenol before you come... right, because that EVER helps?

Secondly, because it could mean that things have gotten worse.  Yes, I'm a cup is half empty kinda gal.  I rarely see the light at the end of my own tunnel.  For friends I can always see the positives, and genuinely believe that good things will happen for them, but for myself it's always negative.  I've worked to try to stop the negative talk but always without success.  So I think to myself... "if you don't go to the biopsy, then things continue in limbo and you don't have to find out that you have cancer, or that the pre-cancerous cells are still there, or that they are going to have to take your uterus away".  I keep thinking that purgatory must be better than hell... right??  Because whether I believe in heaven, hell, and purgatory is not the issue.  What I know is this - if I'm told that I will have to lose my uterus and never have children - that is my hell.  Nothing anyone or anything could do to me could be worse than that.

So for now, I lay awake, realising that tomorrow I have 40 kids "waiting" to learn math (more likely waiting for Easter break to start) who I will need to be prepared for... and I can't sleep.  All I can do is think.  All I can do is think about what may or may not be.  Que sera sera...

So right now, at this instance, I'm just laying awake in this dream.

3 comments:

Jenny

I know what you mean about not being able to think positively for yourself, even though you can do it for others. What you've been going through is scary and no one has the right to tell you that you shouldn't be scared. So, just feel what you feel, and I'll do all the positive thinking for you, ok? :)

Sending you lots and lots of good thoughts today...

A Shadow of My Former Self

Hi, I found your blog thru Sprout and just caught up on your posts. We have similar stories and I know how much those biopsies hurt. I hope yours went ok. Hang in there.

Anonymous

美女視頻網站免費聊天同城交友約炮一夜i情聊天室性感黑色內衣長腿美女uthome聊天大廳
美女視頻下載網站同城午夜交友網站午夜美女視頻直播性感吊帶短裙美女圖showlive視訊聊天網
美女聊天視頻網站午夜同城交友聊天社區美女視頻不夜城聊天室性感長腿車模hibeauty視訊
做愛裸聊室美女真人秀同城約會交友視頻聊天找美女聊天號碼夏娃影音聊天室qq愛真人視訊
美女視頻直播秀情人交友網站哪個好美女視頻表演聊天室長腿美女性感熱舞玩美女人影音秀
夫妻午夜聊天室視頻交友真人秀文愛聊天記錄截圖少婦午夜視頻聊天在線觀看av 免費視頻全國首創免費視訊
視頻直播聊天室愛寫真美女圖片站午夜視頻聊天大廳夫妻裸聊視頻秀金瓶梅視訊
視頻秀聊天室黑絲網襪美女的誘人色情寫真傾城聊語音視頻聊天室金瓶梅視訊聊天
真愛旅舍聊天室黑色絲網襪美女圖視頻國外視頻語音聊天室最新免費av在線觀看視訊 賽克斯dvd
293多人視頻下載黑色絲網襪美女熱舞網頁視頻語音聊天室成人肉漫畫彩色福利圖視訊聊天

Post a Comment