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Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Awake in a Dream

Or is it a nightmare?

I've got that song running through my head - and not the great bootlegged Jacob Hoggard version either!  I've got the Kalen Porter version running through my head.  Ick.  For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about - it was from Canadian Idol circa 2004 (wow, was it really THAT long ago???)

Anyway - I feel like I"m awake in a dream.  But the dream won't end, and it's not a nice dream.

Basically it's after midnight and I have to work tomorrow and I"m still awake, freaking out about the biopsy tomorrow.

Mostly, it's going to hurt. :(  I hate pain.  And the dr's solution - take two tylenol before you come... right, because that EVER helps?

Secondly, because it could mean that things have gotten worse.  Yes, I'm a cup is half empty kinda gal.  I rarely see the light at the end of my own tunnel.  For friends I can always see the positives, and genuinely believe that good things will happen for them, but for myself it's always negative.  I've worked to try to stop the negative talk but always without success.  So I think to myself... "if you don't go to the biopsy, then things continue in limbo and you don't have to find out that you have cancer, or that the pre-cancerous cells are still there, or that they are going to have to take your uterus away".  I keep thinking that purgatory must be better than hell... right??  Because whether I believe in heaven, hell, and purgatory is not the issue.  What I know is this - if I'm told that I will have to lose my uterus and never have children - that is my hell.  Nothing anyone or anything could do to me could be worse than that.

So for now, I lay awake, realising that tomorrow I have 40 kids "waiting" to learn math (more likely waiting for Easter break to start) who I will need to be prepared for... and I can't sleep.  All I can do is think.  All I can do is think about what may or may not be.  Que sera sera...

So right now, at this instance, I'm just laying awake in this dream.

2 comments:

M

I know what you mean about not being able to think positively for yourself, even though you can do it for others. What you've been going through is scary and no one has the right to tell you that you shouldn't be scared. So, just feel what you feel, and I'll do all the positive thinking for you, ok? :)

Sending you lots and lots of good thoughts today...

A Shadow of My Former Self

Hi, I found your blog thru Sprout and just caught up on your posts. We have similar stories and I know how much those biopsies hurt. I hope yours went ok. Hang in there.

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