My Journey

Have you ever sat back and thought about when you were a child.  I don't mean the basics of how fun it was to climb a tree, or how you used to run past the "haunted" house in town.

What I mean is have you sat back and thought about what you dreamed about when you were child?  How did you picture your life?  I bet for most girls, at the age of 8 they saw themselves walking down the aisle in a pretty, fluffly white dress, and then becoming a mommy.  Sure it's true that some girls didn't have that feeling, but a lot of us did.  I know that I did!

So, when I was 25 and still single I decided that I would never get what I want, and I started feeling sorry for myself.  After a couple of years of this, I decided that I would try the online dating scene.  Don't do it! There are only freaks out there!  Who looks for people on the internet!?  Those are the things that I heard from friends that I told about the idea.  Sure, there are freaks out there.  Did I meet any?  YES!

My favourite freak was the one who couldn't remember my name despite going out with me three times; asking me to go buy very flat shoes because I was "too tall"; publicly trying to grope me and asking me to come back to his place on the first date; and finally, demanding that I spend the weekend with him and his daughter.  Did I mention that this was all after he trashed his ex for two hours of our second date, and that he was unemployed, living with his mother, and not interested in finding other work.  I broke this sham of a relationship off over email (bad bad me).  Two years later I received an email telling me that he had found someone else and that I didn't know what I was missing (um, yeah I did).  Then six months later I got another email telling me that he loved me and wanted me back (dude, we had three, count them, three dates).  He was a winner.

Of course he may have had close competition with the guy who wanted to meet me at the theatre to watch an art film, then couldn't remember my name or what I looked like when he showed up. I was standing outside the theatre and waited for half an hour - by the time that he finally found me, and admitted that he didn't know my name, the movie had started.  He really reminded me of one of those guys who has never had a girlfriend - when he tried to hold me hand, I think he nearly peed himself in excitement.  To cap off the strangeness of the situation, he actually told me that he was going to be the most popular guy at his next D&D night, because he had been on a date with a girl.  He was completely socially inept and in no way was there any chemistry.  He asked me out again, but had basically said that he wanted me to meet his friends so that they would think he was cooler. :S  Yeah, I avoided that call.

On the other hand, I met a guy who immediately told me that he thought I was cute.  After a month of emailing, we met for coffee and he hung on my every word.  He asked intelligent questions and talked about real world issues and had ideas of his own.  He wasn't just focused on sports, he wasn't just focused on himself, and he wasn't afraid to voice his opinion.  We had similar thoughts on a lot of things, and had a great time arguing over what we didn't agree on.  He also had a great sense of humour, and I thought he was deadly cute!  We had a wonderful time and closed the place down - then we stood in the parking lot in January talking for 45 minutes.  It took until the third date until he even tried to hold my hand (he says he was nervous).  I knew after three months that I was in love with him and would be willing to spend my life with him.  Luckily for me, he felt the same.  That first date was in January 2006.  We got married in July 2009.  We have been together for five years now.  Has it been perfect?  No.  We've had our share of bumps - some minor, some major.  We've worked through them because we agree that marriage isn't a temporary situation, but something that takes work.  We're in a great place now.

I'm amazed when I look back on my life and realise how sure I was that I would never find someone to fill this role in my life, and then all of a sudden he was there.  I am always resistant to tell people to just wait, it will happen... Because I remember how horrible those words made me feel.  That's how it happened for me, but not everyone has that luck.

That brings me to the current part of my journey.  My husband and I desperately want a child.  We've been talking about since about the sixth month of our relationship.  We started trying to conceive two years ago, with no luck.  A series of health problems later and I'm still not pregnant, and I've got a list of specialists a mile long.  The dream that that little girl had 30 years ago is quickly fading and I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't put my energy and time into something else- maybe a sports car or something... but honestly, I'm not sure that I can just give up on the dream completely.