Unlikely

Well, it's CD28, and no sign of AF on her way. By that I mean that I usually get a day or two of spotting prior to AF showing up.

I wish that I could say that that means that I'm pregnant - but I highly doubt it.

This morning's temps dropped to 36.13. I looked back over my previous cycles and a drop to around there seems to happen each month about two days prior to AF. So, I guess we'll see.

I'm trying not to be too disappointed, as my cycle at least is starting to display some normality. Part of me (a very small part) is still holding out hope, but I think that I know that it's very unlikely that I"m pregnant this time.

In about three weeks I see the OB/GYN to see if she can help us along... here's hoping that she doesn't make us try for another six months. I would think that that would be futile, as I"m pretty sure that my problem is that I"m not ovulating.

My biggest concern is that she's just going to tell me to lose weight and that will help. I'll admit it. I'm fat. I'm very overweight. I'm not going to say that I don't eat, that would be like those stick thin models claiming that they can eat whatever they want and never gain a pound. I call bullshit. But I will say this. I don't eat unhealthy. Yes, I have an addiction to chocolate, but otherwise, my diet is very healthy. I started seeing a nutritionist after the hyperplasia was diagnosed and followed a strict diet and exercise routine... and guess what happened.... NOTHING!! I lost 8 lbs and then plateaued. Well, when you have this much to lose, 8 lbs is nothing. It was so frustrating that I quit trying completely and guess what happened... NOTHING. That's right, I gained and lost nothing. So my big fear is that she's going to tell me I can't have a baby because I"m too fat and therefore I need to lose weight. i've talked with my GP and she can't figure out why it's happening.

My money is on sleep eating. :) Who knows.

Anyway, time will tell, but as of right now, the temp drop is telling me that this month was a bust and we'll have to try again. *sigh*

Nope, not yet

Broke down and took an HPT this morning. Nope, nada, nothing, negative. :(

It makes me sad. I am trying to remain hopeful that it is just too early, although if I ovulated when I think I may have, then it should be able to test positive if I was pregnant at this point. The worst is that I keep having symptoms that could indicate pregnancy - I think that I may have myself so convinced that I"m starting to get psychosomatic symptoms. :S

Anyway, I'll wait another week and then take another test if AF doesn't show up.

I had another big temp spike this morning - that makes three this cycle - so I don't have a clue what is going on. :(

I'm going to go pout now.

Pain Free? Really??

I'm shocked. I have no pain in my lower back. Seriously, I think that my acupuncturist/chiropractor might be using some sort of magic on me. I don't really care mind you - I love that I have no pain.

For the past 8 weeks I've been going to her for acupuncture treatments. Every time I lay on the table my back starts hurting and it hurts the entire time I'm laying there and for several hours afterward. I have complained nearly every time. Two weeks ago, she suggested that I try chiro for it. I've never had much faith in chiro, but thought, why not. Last week was my first treatments. This week she did a treatment before the acupuncture. And then the big test....

I laid on the table... no pain. I stayed there for 20 minutes... no pain. Pain-free!! The whole time. While she did the chiro, she did some acupressure treatments too. God, that hurt! I've been having some aching in my left leg, which she attributed to my lower back. She checked the right leg and said it had some stuff off too. She started doing pressure treatment on it and it actually hurt. When she moved to the left leg I said that it didn't hurt as much as the right one when she pressed on it. Right after I said that, it started hurting when she pushed. I made a comment about her pushing harder, and we both starting giggling so hard that she had to stop. I really like her. I'm going to be sad when she goes on Mat. Leave in October. Every time I find a doctor that I like they seem to get pregnant... what's up with that??

Anyway, I still have some aching in my leg, but nothing that I can't handle. And my back feels great! Sleeping on the crappy beds at my in-laws this weekend will be the true test of the back.

******
I bought a pregnancy test, but I'm still not sure if I should take it. It says that it can detect 5 days prior to your period, which could potentially be right now. If I have a 28 day cycle, then I'd be fine (i'm CD24 right now), but if I have a 36 day cycle like last month then I'd be way too early. I just don't know what to do. Honestly, I'll probably test tomorrow and if it's negative, wait and test again if I'm extra late. I don't want to be disappointed, but I don't want to wait either.

******

On the gramma front - I talked to her tonight and she said she's not feeling any worse, so that's a bonus. I wonder if the doctor did the right tests. He apparently did a blood test for Sodium, Potassium, and Chloride. All of which leads me to think that he's thinking electrolyte imbalance. Today she said she was doing a load of laundry (because the damned laundry needed to be done today apparently), and she got light-headed. She ate a cookie and felt better she said... so what does that mean? I wonder about blood sugar. If these tests showed nothing and she has to have more, then it will be another week or more before she can get in to see him. I mean, honestly, it's not like the tests cost her money, just do a complete and find out what's wrong with the woman. But, she did say that her neighbour is going to take her downtown for groceries tomorrow (and coffee) so she sounded happy about that... maybe that's a good sign. Thank goodness she's got awesome neighbours. I live two hours away from her and it bugs me that I can't just run over and check on her. She's lived in that house for 34 years and most of her neighbours have been there around 30 years as well, so it's a nice little community. Also, her neighbours are my mother's age, so they are able to help her out - which is also nice.

still waiting

Big sigh in this department.

Here's where we are right now...

If I did ovulate the day before my first big temp spike (which is the most likely time given my temps and CF) then I ovulated somewhere between CD9 and CD11. Given that, I'm 14 DPO tomorrow. I had cramping on CD17, and light spotting (more like pinkish CF) on CD 18. It fits that that would be implantation if I ovulated when I think I did. So that puts me about 8 days past implantation (hopefully)

At this point, I don't know how soon I could test. I want to run out tomorrow when I'm in the city and buy a test. If I buy one where I live then the whole town will have my pregnant and the whole town will know about it. So I want to buy one and take it tomorrow, but I don't want to get a false negative, and frankly, don't want to waste the test (they aren't cheap after all).

I've had a headache everyday for the past week - which I hope is a sign of pregnancy, or I'll just be annoyed that I've been fighting these headaches - I guess I want them to be for a reason. My husband is a bit concerned that if I am pregnant that I will be fighting headaches for 9 months. I told him that that's ok, because in the end I'll have a baby out of it - and that I better get good Mother's Day gifts out of it. So far the headaches have been mild in comparison to what I've dealt with in the past. I've been controlling them with low doses of Tylenol. I've avoided all the prescription and stronger meds that I have for headaches because I am afraid that I'm pregnant and don't want to risk it.

So far I haven't noticed any other straight out symptoms.

So, right now, I'm just waiting.

*******

In other news, my grandmother is fighting some sort of strange illness. About 10 days ago, she started to feel bad. She couldn't eat (physically couldn't get food down) and couldn't sleep at all. So she got really worn down. After about 3 days she started being able to eat, but the sleep hasn't been so good. She's really weak which worries me. We had the birthday party for her, which was good. She enjoyed it and liked seeing everyone. She actually felt pretty good the next day, but the day after that was tough for her. She was really tired. She's been for blood tests and ECGs, but can't get in to see her doctor until August 3, so until then she just waits. She is moving really slowly. I know at the age of 85 she's bound to slow down, but I don't think that she should slow down all of a sudden. Until two weeks ago she was vibrant and lively and doing all sorts of things for herself - now she's spending her time sitting in her chair or napping. I'm very worried. I hope it's an easy fix.

The big party

I've been so busy lately that I haven't had the option of sitting and dwelling on it. I'm hosting an 85th birthday party for my grandmother on Sunday so I'm a bit stressed about getting the house ready, etc. I'm not the best housekeeper. My house is always cluttered and five layers of dust on the endtables (under all the books and papers) doesn't bother me at all. But for some reason, when people come to visit I panic and feel that I need to clean it all up.

Yesterday I had an appointment for accupuncture and chiropractic. When I came out of the office I ran into Sprout's mom. We got talking and I mentioned that I was trying desperately to get my house clean. She said that she figures that if she's happy with how her house looks, then if others don't like it, they don't have to come and visit. Good point!!

I really want to be there with all of this... I want to just say to hell with it, but I know that I"m going to hit publish on this post and then go start scrubbing floors and tackling laundry. *sigh* Maybe one day I'll be more ok with my messiness, but today is not the day.

To top it off, my grandmother isn't feeling well. She couldn't eat last weekend and has been unable to really sleep. She finally went to the doctor who took blood and told her to get an ECG done. She did and then he called her up yesterday and told her that she needed to get another one done early next week. He won't say what he thinks it is, but it has me worried. She's been able to eat for the past few days but she says that even sleep isn't helping to give her more energy.

She's 85, so anything that makes her feel this way worries me. I'm going to pick her up tomorrow to bring her here for her party. I gave her the option of rescheduling, but thinks it might be good for her to see everyone, so the party is a go. I just hope it doesn't wear her down too much.

Clues and Theories

So, today is CD 17. I had originally thought that I ovulated around day 11. Given the strangeness of my temps over the last few days I had basically figured that I didn't ovulate at all this month. There were two possible times that I could have ovulated, my CF was giving me signs twice. However, the OPK that I took during the run of the second wave of eggwhite CF (that sounds much more disgusting than I meant it), showed that I was not ovulating. So, we have a few possibilities here...

1. I didn't ovulate at all
2. I ovulated around CD11, and the second time was just my body being confused or trying to ovulate a second time
3. the OPK didn't work right for me and I was ovulating later after all.

Here is the new evidence that I can add to all of this...

1. yesterday I had some slight cramping in the morning in the front of my uterus - yeah, after all the biopsies I have a very keen sense of where my uterus is
2. today there is a slightly pinkish tint to my CF

So here is what I want to believe. Given that I may have ovulated on CD 11, and yesterday would have been 6 DPO, it may have been slight implantation cramping that I experienced. The pinkish tint to the CF could be a bit of implantation spotting.

That is what I want to believe. It's probably not true, but it's what I want to be true.

I'm probably completely wrong.

More Confusion

Well, it's raining like crazy outside. It's like someone opened a faucet in the sky and every 10 minutes or so it just pours for about two minutes. It's so bad that the downspout fell off the house! :S

So, anyway, today has been a laundry day. I have a bunch of relatives coming to visit and last summer when we moved back into our house (long story there) I piled all the clothes that I didn't know what to do with onto the spare bed in the basement. Well, obviously we don't get a lot of company here, because Mt. Laundry still exists. So, today I went down and started sorting Mt. Laundry... so that's a positive. I'm making headway on the cleaning. Not sure I will get it all done, but hopefully I can get enough finished to make the house look decent enough for guests.

So, this morning, I woke up - my back is much better... thankfully.

And my temp has spiked above the coverline. Good right? Yeah, except the OPK that I"ve done in the last three days have said clearly negative. urgh. I just don't know what the hell is going on. At least there is a spike - I should be happy about that. I still wonder if I didn't ovulate earlier, and the mess with being away from home, not in my own house messed me up. Who knows... I think that my body is just trying to make me crazy!

The fun continues

So my temps today continue to be at my normal range, and I have more eggwhite CF than I've ever had before... but I took an OPK both yesterday and today, and both said negative. I just don't know what the hell is going on.

Today I had to run to the store to pick up more water. Our water here is nasty... very nasty. As in it is brown! Apparently the town has gotten the water checked and it's safe to drink, but it's so high in iron that it's really not. While technically safe, if you drink it it tastes awful and it's prone to make you either constipated or gives you diarrhea. Like I said, it's nasty. So, I realised that we were out of water in our water cooler. We buy water (typically filling up jugs at Walmart - they have a Culligan dispenser and are pretty cheap). But, Walmart is over an hour away and we won't be there until Thursday, so there wasn't much choice... pay big dollar to buy a jug of water at the local store. So I went there today, but in the fun of it all, long story short, I pulled out my back lifting the damned jug. Normally, they get the water and put it in the car for a person...but this time they just sent me into the back to get it. So i picked it up and I felt the pain. So now I can barely move.

I have a houseful of guests coming on Saturday for my grandmother's birthday party and about 20 more coming on Sunday for the party... so I need to clean the place up. It would be great, and I could do it, except I can't fucking move!!!

I want to fill my body with drugs and just power through, BUT... what if I'm actually pregnant - it's possible, despite my messed up temps that I did ovulate and that there is a fertilized egg hanging around in there. So I'm afraid to take anything stronger than Tylenol, and I don't even want to take that.

So I sit here in pain and hope that it's only temporary, but I have a feeling this might be long lived.

At least I have an accupuncture and an chiropractic appointment on Thursday - but that's still two days away.

Busting myths... in real life

So many things going on today.

First and foremost... it is my second wedding anniversary today. There have been some days that I'm not sure we'll make another day, but I really did marry the man I truly love, so I guess it's worked out pretty well ;)

In terms of the ovulation, I don't know what is going on at this point. I was sure that I had ovulated two days ago, but then yesterday and today my temps were at 36.2, and I've got eggwhite CF showing up again. I took an ovulation predictor and it says no ovulation in the next 24 hours. I guess I will just keep monitoring it and see what happens. Perhaps I had ovulated two days ago after all and my temps are just not highly spiked. I have read a few things that have said that not everyone experiences constant high temps after ovulation. So I guess we'll see. :S

Now on to the myths... I went for lunch today with one of my friends who was also one of my bridesmaids. We got talking after a while about the ovulation and fertility thing. So, I told her what I had been dealing with, and that I thought that I had maybe ovulated, so was keeping my fingers crossed. She informed me that we should apply to adopt because then we'd get pregnant right away. Sigh! I actually told her that wasn't the way it worked. She said that that was what happened to other couples she knew, so there must be something to it. She had also told me to just relax and it would happen.

It's so frustrating! This woman has had her own share of fertility issues. She miscarried due to lack of progesterone during the first trimester. This happened to her twice, so you would think that she would know the horrors of conception problems. She has two adorable kids now. She actually said at one point "you can't know this, but they honestly having kids makes you feel complete". Gee thanks.

I really like this person, but the whole conversation was difficult and hurtful. I wish that I had had the guts to tell her how it made me feel, but I"m not that strong.

:(

Not going to stress.

So my temp this morning was only 36.3, but I'm choosing not to stress. Here's why...

I got a bad sleep last night. Today is day three of not sleeping in my own bed, and having people in the room above mine stomping around at weird hours - this means that I'm not getting a good sleep at all. So I work up at 7 (two hours too early to chart) and then at 10:30 (1.5 hours later than my chosen time). Both temps were around the same, but I'm choosing to think that they might not be completely correct or reliable for charting. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

The CF has all but dried up at this point, so that's a good sign. Even if my temps are a bit wonky, I'm still pretty convinced that I ovulated... hopefully this one took.

Fingers crossed.

It's looking good!

Well, yesterday I had a another low temp - two days ago it was 35.82, yesterday it was 36.05. This made me excited. I have seen normal charts where there are two days of temp drop prior to the rise... so I was very excited and hopeful. My CF was extra stretchy so that was good too. So, I was hoping beyond hope that today would bring a temp shift... and... drumroll please.....


Today's temperature is..... 36.53!!!! That's right -temperature shift! my CF has all but dried up. It's barely sticky, so that's good. I entered my information into the Taking Charge of Your Fertility software, and I saw something that I haven't seen since I started charting - it told me that all signs pointed to me either ovulating late yesterday or imminently. Of course it wants another day or two of high temps and dry up before it will confirm, but hey, I"m thrilled.

It looks as if I have ovulated!

Honestly, it may seem like a little thing, but I'm sure that I don't have to tell any of you how happy I am about that.

The funny part of all of this is that when I was charting last year - before the hyperplasia put me on my ass, my ovulation seemed to be coming late - around day 22 or 23. That was a problem because it meant a very short luteal phase. If I have indeed ovulated, it means that I've done so on CD 11. Which should provide a plenty long luteal phase!

The other part that I laugh at is that when my oncologist gave me the all clear, he gave us specific instructions. His words were something like this... "You both need to take the day off of work on CD 14 and have sex in the morning, afternoon, and evening. That will get you pregnant". I laughed a little and agreed with him to shut him up. Knowing everything that I know, I realised that it was highly unlikely that I would automatically ovulate on CD 14, and to have sex three times that day wouldn't guarantee anything. Plus, there was a concern a while back that while my husband's numbers in the swimmer department were average, they were JUST in average range, so we were told by both my GP and OBGYN to go every other day to all a better build up for him. I just think that with all of the information that is out there today, there are still doctors who hold fast to the CD 14 myth.

Anyway, I'm thrilled that I may have ovulated. If it is true, then I can actually hold out hope for a pregnancy this month (yes, we were sure to time everything accordingly). If it actually worked this month, then I will actually be able to tell two days before my next AF, if the 18 high temps is to be believed.

It's going to be a long couple of weeks... thankfully I'll be busy and hopefully can keep from dwelling too much.

Right now I'm just thrilled that I may have actually ovulated like a normal person! I never thought it would feel so great to be normal!!

And We're Back...

So this month has been wacky. My last cycle went 36 days, followed by four days of VERY light bleeding. It was more than spotting, but hardly anything to write home about. This after my acupuncturist warned me to be ready for heavy bleeding due to the treatments that she's been giving me. Oh well.

Anyway, my temperatures are all over the map again - kind of an up-down-up-down thing. But then something a friend said made me wonder, what would they look like if I was charting in Fahrenheit. Celcius charting I think gives the chart a bigger shift. However, I just did some calculations and my drop of .5 degrees Celcius is an entire degree in Fahrenheit, so perhaps it's not just the metric system that is confusing my chart.

This morning I had a major drop - I even double checked, just to make sure that I was still alive. 35.8C (96.4F) is pretty low... particularly when it was a hot night here. It was 23 degrees overnight outside (that's 73.4 F)which is pretty warm for here, so I know that our room was warm. So when I woke up to 35.8, I wondered if I was actually alive. I shouldn't be surprised. In my last cycle I had three temps below 36 degrees. So maybe that's just me.

So, I went and checked my cervical fluid. TMI time people... two days ago it was dry as a bone. Yesterday it was milky... but today? Today was eggwhite - very clearly so. Probably the best quality egg white I've seen since I started charting 5 cycles ago. Today is CD 10... so I'm not sure if what I'm seeing is my body messing with me, or if I'm about to ovulate in the next day or two.

I guess time will tell.

The Truth About Childless Women

In my daily perusal of the internet, I came across this gem from Huffington.


It's called "The Truth About Childless Women". It talks about how there are many reasons for women to be childless. Around 46% of women in the US under the age of 44 are childless. The author goes on to talk about the reasons - too young, wishing to remain childless, gay, biologically infertile, and what she calls circumstantial infertility.

Her article speaks mostly about circumstantial infertility. The idea that there are thousands of women out there who are childless, not by choice, but by circumstance. The circumstance in this case being that women are no longer settling for the first man who shows them interest, but are waiting for true love before starting to have children. The problem happens when in the past women were starting families in their early 20s but are now in their 40s and are childless. She goes on to talk about how the older you get the more those circumstances work against you to make it worse. How with each year that passes, it gets harder to find someone who is even willing to date you because you may not be able to have children - and the worst kick in the teeth at all, that you don't even know if you are able to have kids at all.

Given that I am married, it may seem odd that I would understand these feelings. I met my husband 5 years ago. I was 29 and given how my dating life had gone, I was sure that there was no way that I was going to find someone to spend my life with. People had asked me, possibly hundreds of times, why not do it alone? I didn't want to. I think that deep down I hoped that I would find someone and that I wouldn't have to do it alone. Well, I was lucky - I did find someone. When I say lucky, I mean it. I don't think that there is any reason why some people find someone and others don't. Seriously, I know a lot of people who are, let's say, less than stellar in personality and hygiene but still managed to find someone. Others I know are amazing individuals who are still single and I don't understand that. Anyway, I lucked out, I met my husband, but it wasn't the smoothest of relationships and we nearly split a couple of times.

We got married two years ago - I was 32 and I was desperate to start a family immediately. An infertility that was circumstantial prior to this point suddenly became biological. Two years of trying later and still I have no child. It's a slap in the face that I waited so long to find the right person and then have been unable to have a child anyway.

So, while I now face only biological infertility, I understand the pain of circumstantial infertility. I spent many nights alone and crying, wondering why I wasn't good enough... why I was destined to be alone and childless. I felt that I was a good person and it didn't make sense. Now, I spend nights hiding my tears from my husband, feeling like I will be childless and so will he and it's all my fault, although there seems to be nothing that I can do to change it according to the doctors. *sigh* While my current infertility is not circumstantial, I feel like my infertility started out that way and that it may have contributed to my current biological infertility.

The last few lines of the article really hit home for me...

I'm not childless, I'm childfull. I'm not a mother but I am maternal.

My infertility is circumstantial but my life is not barren. And to the women who are on the other side of hope, know that you are more powerful than your womb. You are maternal whether or not maternity ever comes. You are a woman and your love and how you choose to offer and receive it, is a gift.

Apparently kids are the worst thing that can happen!

So, according to my Facebook, it appears that having kids ends your life as you know it and makes everyday impossible to live through.

Seriously, my friend who have kids seem to do nothing but complain about their kids and how hard it is to deal with them and parent.

Today alone I've had the following status updates showing up...

"to all my new parent friends, enjoy the first few days, then it becomes an endless cycle of eating and pooping and crying... that's it!"

"today is a parenting day that can only be fixed by copious amounts of wine"

"what the hell is wrong with my child? He's a menace - seriously, he's just bad"

"so tired and annoyed. why did I have kids"

"god my kids is noisy - why the hell won't she just shut up"

"wish I never had kids - can't even watch my tv shows in peace"

Now, I realise that kids are a lot of work, and not everyday is a day in the park with happy, smiling, cute kids, but honestly??? I could understand if these statuses were made on occasion by the odd person - everyone gets frustrated right? But these status updates were made by people who spend most of the time on Facebook complaining about their kids and how horrible their lives are since having kids.

One of my friends wrote this the other day:

"I love my son, I really do. And I know that I am blessed to have him, but man he's making me crazy today"

I appreciated her comment in that he was driving her a bit nuts, but she rarely complains about him and she does recognize that she's lucky to have him.

I have to say that I didn't really notice these kinds of statuses before we started to have fertility issues. I'm sure that they were there, but then I wasn't really noticing. It's kind of like noticing all the pregnant women out there. I know that they were everywhere before, but now I notice them everywhere. *sigh*

It just really bugs me when people complain incessantly about their kids. I'm sure they have their reasons, but for me it's another slap in the face that people who are lucky enough to have kids are not appreciating what they have.

Just wanted to rant about that for a while...

Boredom!

Yup, I'm bored. One would think that after 10 months of being in the classroom, I would be dying for a break, but nope. I had a week off so far and I'm already ready to be back at work. I think that they way that they do it in New Zealand (from what I've heard) may be perfect for me... two months of school, two weeks off, and repeat. I've already started planning next year which is stupid because it's another 8 weeks away, but I'm just that bored. I've played all the video games that I have, I have done my best to avoid housework, but it may be the only option left. *sigh* My acupuncturist said yesterday that maybe I should get all of my school planning done now, and then when everyone else is rushing to get planned I would be done. Not a bad idea...

Speaking of acupuncture, I went for another treatment yesterday. It went well and she's sure that it's working. I have to say with no PMS and now I've discovered no cramps this cycle, I am thinking that she may be a god! I have never had a cycle without cramps... with the exception of the two that I had after I went off of the pill. Then it was all back to bad cramping. The fact that this cycle had no cramping was amazing to me.

After my treatment yesterday, I struggled as usual to get up from the table. I said how the table was always hell on my back. My acupuncturist suggested that I book in for a chiropractic treatment (she is also a chiropractor) in one of the next few weeks when I get my acupuncture done.

I've always been scared of chiropractic. Something about cracking your bones just doesn't seem to be natural. That being said, I have no doubt that your body can get out of alignment. I agreed to do the treatments because everything else I've tried for my back hasn't worked, and perhaps she can help. I trust her - so far her treatments have worked, so I'm willing to give it a shot. Lots of people I know have used chiropractic, and it has worked for them. I've always tried to keep an open mind when it comes to alternative treatments - so why should this be any different.

My appointment is booked for the 21st, so we'll see how that goes - I'm a bit nervous about it, but hopefully it will work.

Somethings aren't meant to be...

Last night I got a phone call from a dear friend of mine. She asked me if I wanted to adopt a one-month old baby girl. Apparently her sister called her asking if she wanted to adopt. My friend has a very sick little boy (as in life threatening illness) and isn't in any situation to adopt - but she immediately thought of me. So I get the call. I was thrown off right away! I didn't know how to respond.

Apparently, a young woman in a town about an hour down the road from us has had her one-month old daughter taken from her. The woman is unable to care for the baby, but the baby is healthy. The father of the baby is a 73-year-old man, so is unable to care for the baby as well. My friend's sister is friends with the grandmother of the baby and the grandmother is trying to find someone to adopt the baby.

As much as I want to just say YES YES YES and do it, I know that it's impossible. Here is why:

Presently, we are not in a financial situation that allows us to go out and buy everything that we'd need for a baby in a matter of hours. We are going to struggle to pay all of the bills over the summer, so taking on another mouth to feed, as well as legal bills, and baby supplies is not in the budget.

I haven't given the appropriate notice to my employer for a leave to deal with a new baby. At this point, I wouldn't be able to get the full year off because I need to give them a heads up that it would be coming.

We haven't been cleared for adoption by Social Services. We would need a home study, and complete application and we haven't done that.

Private adoptions in our province are against the law. You can only adopt a baby directly from the parents if it is a close relative. It is to stop people from selling their babies apparently. So, regardless of whether the mother is willing to sign away her rights or not, she can't decide who gets her baby - it's illegal.

It wouldn't be as if we would automatically get to adopt the baby. It takes months (if not years) for parental rights to be stripped. I can't believe for a second that any woman who has her baby taken from her is going to willingly give up her rights... so that would mean years of waiting while bonding with a baby and potentially have them taken away. Plus, the mother's rights may be taken away, but there is no reason to strip the father's rights apparently (it is only because of his age that he is unable to care for the infant).

Finally, I can't imagine that an adoption of a baby from an hour away, who's parents and grandparents know who we are, won't cause some sort of issues in the future. Honestly, I don't have much problem with open adoption, but when the child has been removed from the home against the will of the mother, that doesn't strike me as a situation that would turn out well for us in the end. I have visions of an angry mother showing up on my doorstep in a few months demanding her baby back.

In the end, I would love to say yes! I would to be able to just drop everything and get our family started, but both me and DH have agreed that for us, in this situation, it's just not right.

Ahh, she's back

So, I was so confused over where AF was this month. The last two months have been very very short cycles... 17 and 24 days. This month, I was at day 30 when I went for acupuncture and hadn't had any signs of AF showing up - no PMS, nothing. The acupuncturist said that means that the acupuncture is working and that I shouldn't have PMS - it is not normal for your body to react to a natural cycle that way. So I went away wondering when I was going to see AF show up.

Yesterday AF made an appearance... it is really light, but there. It might be considered spotting - I'm never really sure of when it is that and when it's just a light period. Regardless, AF is here or on the way in the next day or so. I have no real pain or bloating, or anything that I normally do, so that's a good thing.

So, new cycle, new chance to try again.

Happy Canada Day

I am Canadian! I just had to say it. I love this country - even the harsh winter and bird-sized mosquitos can't chase me away! I just finished watching the fireworks... they were ok, but I love fireworks - even on a small scale.

While yesterday was technically my first day of summer vacation, with grad it didn't feel like it. Today... today seems like the first official day! So, I was awake at 8:30 this morning (that's sleeping in for me), and then by 9:30 was actually sitting there bored contemplating starting planning for next year. Yes, I apparently need a life... or at least a hobby! I decided to houseclean. I'm hosting a party for my grandmother's birthday and my house is a disaster, so I figured that I may as well start to clean. I didn't get much done. Oh well.

So, now in the city to visit friends and family for a few days, and then back to the grind of cleaning the house and getting everything ready to go.

Exciting summer vacation eh?

Sad, but happy.

So I saw the acupuncturist again yesterday. That has been my fifth appointment in the last five weeks. She wants me to see her once a week for the next month, and then switch to once a month... works for me. My health plan is paying for it anyway, and it gives me a good excuse to go to the city every week!

I told her that I'm a bit confused. I'm on CD 33 today and no signs of AF being en route. Normally, 4-5 days prior, I'm hit with nasty PMS... sore/tender breasts, bad bloating, unable to sleep, and irritability and mood swings. I've had none of this this month. I even asked DH if I was mood swinging, because quite honestly I'm not sure if I can be the proper judge of this one. He swears that I'm not. So that's odd for me. I asked the acupuncturist about it... her response? "That's good, you shouldn't have PMS - if you do, then your body is not doing what it's supposed to". The fact that my last two cycles were 17 and 24 days respectively has me a bit confused over nothing on CD 33, but I'm willing to keep waiting. I would normally be thinking that I"m pregnant, but there is no chance of that given that I clearly didn't ovulate. So be it. It allowed me to have a bit of fun at our staff party this past week. Hopefully AF shows up soon and we can get started on the next cycle.

On the sad but happy note... last night was graduation at the school I teach at. This has been an amazing year for me. In my first year of teaching (2009-2010), I had the most horrible year possible. It was horrible and I almost contemplated quitting the profession. I got a transfer to my current school and what a change. I loved it! Everyone is amazing - the admin, the staff, the students! Everyone!

So last night was graduation. The students all looked so grown up and amazing. It was so nice to sit and watch the kids be honoured for all of their hard work. Small town grads are great too! They are so personal and special. Each student is honoured individually and gets their own time to be special.

I have had the honour of developing special relationships with a few of the grads. Some of the kids I haven't had much chance to get to know unfortunately. Our paths didn't really cross too much. Others, however, I've had a lot of interactions with. Two girls in the class (Janelle and Sky) have become my shadows for a lot of this year. They are amazing girls - funny, beautiful, and completely lovable. They looked outstanding and so grown up. I am going to miss having them around everyday. Sky has already told me that she will be calling me to set up a lunch date next year. And the funny thing is that she will. On a side note, her brother may be my biggest fan. He's already told me that the first day back at school in the fall, we're going for lunch because he will have had two months without me and he can't handle that.

The other two graduates that I have had the amazing honour of know very well are twins. Garrett and Josh are the sons of the principal of the school. There is just something about these two boys - they are SO charming. They know just what to say when to get what they want. I don't think that I have the ability to say no to them. In the last couple of months, I became Josh's go-to person. Before school, after school, during school, during class, it didn't really matter, he spent a LOT of time in my classroom. He's a great kid - smart, funny, kind, and good looking. He's got a very bright future ahead of him.

I know that a teacher isn't supposed to have a favourite student, but it happens... we try, but it just does. Mine would definitely be Garrett. Garrett has always struggled with school. In a different school in grade 7, he was put in the "dumb" class because they figured that he didn't have much in terms of ability. Garrett has a mild form of cerebral palsy, and has a brain tumour, but this has not let anything stop him. He was a star of the football team and one of the most popular kids in the school. He was put in my class in September because he was refusing to take math. In second semester, he tried math and after struggling begged admin to let him back into my class. This was a month in and he could only come in with my permission - well he asked me and naturally I said yes. Garrett and I have had so many great conversations. This boy is a hard nut to crack. He is so tough on the outside. But, underneath it all he's a big softy. His father called me into the office a few weeks ago and asked if I would have a heart-to-heart with Garrett. Garrett has been struggling to decide what he wants to do with his future and had the attitude of "I can't do it". His father had tried talking to him, and so had a couple of other teachers and nobody could get through to him. His father (also my boss) told me that Garrett basically idolizes me and thinks that if I say it, then it must be true. I naturally agreed and had a sit down with the kid. He told me that he didn't figure it was worth trying because he'd just fail. I told him that he was full of shit and that he was so full of potential and all he had to do was put his mind to it and he could succeed. Anyone who tells him otherwise is wrong and he shouldn't listen to them.

So yesterday, he walks through the arch to go up to the stage, I nearly cried. After the ceremonies, the kids all have their own family parties. We had invites to four of the parties. We went to the two girls' parties briefly, and then headed off to the twins party. We got out of the car and were swarmed by students. Both boys (Josh and Garrett) came running up to me and gave me a big hug. Then they spent the next hour that we were there standing there visiting with us. At one point I went to get a drink. Garrett followed me. He said "you aren't leaving right away are you?" I said no, and asked why. He said "well, I, I just wanted to make sure that I said goodbye properly". He had tears in his eyes and said "thanks so much for being there for me... you're the only teacher who has actually truly cared and hasn't dismissed me. without you, I would have given up this year". He's such a smart kid, but totally underestimates himself because he has been underestimated for years.

Near the end of the evening, we went to say goodbye to the boys. Josh gave me a big hug and told me that he will be emailing me and that he also expects to have a lunch date in the fall with me. Such a sweet kid.

Garrett came up to me, gave me a big hug and thanked me again. He pulled me aside and told me that because of me, he had decided that he was going to check out the graphic design program that I recommended for him. Then he said that he would see me this summer when he came to visit because "I can't get through two whole months without - you're the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time... oh wait, that sounds creepy... well you know what I mean".

I'm going to miss those kids, but I can't even express how proud of them I am!