I Need Help

Ok, I'm throwing it out to all of you - you are, after all, the experts in cycles and TTC.

I have no idea what's going on this cycle. I'm putting my chart below so that you can take a look and give me some feedback.

I apologize for the chart coming out so small, but if you click on it, you can get it enlarged.

The rule-of-thumb was applied by TCOYF, not by me. I might be inclined to apply it to CD 17 instead - showing a rise in temp and it staying slightly higher, although never above the coverline.

The coverline is what is really messing me up. I have very low BBTs, Dr. Internet (stole this term from another blogger - love it!) says that my typical BBTs are borderline hypothermic... isn't that nice. My temps at the start of my cycle were a lot higher than usual. Typically, my start of cycle temps are what you are seeing around CD 12. I'm not sure why they were so high - I'm blaming the Clomid.

Anyway, I'm inclined to say that I possibly ovulated on CD15 or CD 16. The big reason is that my ovaries stopped hurting. Up to that point I was having some massive ovary pain... and on CD 15 I could barely sleep because of the pain. Then I woke up on CD 16 had a few twinges and it all stopped by mid-morning. The majority of the pain was in the middle of the night - it actually woke me up at one point.

If I did ovulate then, then the strange pains I've been having today make sense - could be implantation. They aren't cramping, per se, but rather weird twisting feelings - as if something is pushing against my uterus - not pinching, not cramping. Hard to explain. Always in the same spot too. High up, on the right side. I'm really hoping that it's implantation, but if I did ovulate on CD 15 or 16, then the timing would be right, but I'm looking at not being able to test til Easter weekend.

So, anyway, let me know what you think. You are experts, let's hear it! :)

Goodbye to ICLW

Well, I did it. I wasn't sure I could make it happen, but I managed to complete ICLW this month! Thanks to everyone who came here from ICLW for the first time, and to all of those who stayed. I appreciate the thoughts and ideas and feedback that I get from all of you. Even though I write to try to free my head of the thoughts that tend to consume me, it is nice to know that someone is reading :)

I just might do this again next month... we'll see.

Another Step Forward

I took a big step today. I called the Adoption Services people in my province and told them that we wanted to get on the list for domestic adoption. In this province, there are no private agencies. There is a non-profit that deals with the initial information sessions, etc, then when they decide you're ready, they will refer you for the ministry (department) of Social Services to start your initial intake and home studies, etc.

I had been given the idea that we needed to go for information sessions and an intake interview with the non-profit, but after talking to them today they said that they would just mail out the info and that we read it, then they send out more info - including a letter of intent. When they get the letter back, they refer to the ministry, and within 14 days a social work assigned to your case calls to arrange a ministry intake. Then the fun begins. It can take a year to 18 months to get cleared to be on the list, then it's all a waiting game.

Right now, we're pretty set on an infant. I'd be willing to take one up to 3 months, but would ideally like a newborn. I don't care about race or gender. All I want is a healthy baby. In this province it's a long wait if you want a healthy infant. To be honest, there are a lot of crack-addicted babies, and a lot with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but I'm not at the point where I want to deal with that. I deal with kids like that all day long, and as much as I would love my child, I'm not in the place where I want to deal with something that someone else caused. If the child I adopt has diabetes or gets some other type of condition or disease that needs special care, I'll deal with it... but something like FAS, no. It may sound harsh, but that's where we're at.

So, now I"m going to be checking the mail incessantly waiting for the mailout from these people. I'm hoping I can pick up the second package of info during the week after Easter when I'm in the big city. It would save time. They said that depending on how quickly we do up our paperwork and go through the package, we could be referred in as quickly as a week. Basically, given the mailing timeline, etc, we could be assigned to a caseworker at the ministry by the end of April! The chances of getting chosen quickly after being approved are limited. It can take 7-10 years for an infant, but it can also be 7 -10 weeks. It's all up to the birth mother. There has to be some irresponsible teenager out there who would love two teachers to raise her child... right?? I hope!

So that's where we're at with that. I'm kinda excited.

On the TTC front... my temp dropped slightly which makes me a bit crazy! tomorrow I'm off to a conference and then to my brother's for the weekend, so there will be no baby-makin' going on this weekend. I'm pretty sure that I didn't ovulate this cycle. My ovaries were working away, but I think that they didnt' actually release an egg. At least I know that I need the trigger. It still pisses me off. I'm still waiting on the call from the OB/GYN about my biopsy - it's been three weeks... this waiting is WAY worse than the TWW.

New Look

Thanks to ICLW, I've been looking at a lot of blogs lately, and I've gotten jealous!

The Blogger templates are ok, but they are just that... ok. I want pretty. I want to look at my blog and smile.

I found LeeLou blog designs. The designs are so pretty and fun... and best of all, free!

I'm quite happy with this little find!

Owwwwwie

My breasts are killing me. They hurt sooooo much. TMI time - my nipples are permanently hard and hurt. It even hurts to wear a bra. The only thing that works is to sit topless and I'm not going to do that ... No matter how much hubby begs!

That is all :(

Frustrated

So, again, a negative OPK today. My temps dropped to the lowest it has been this month. The ovarian pain has stopped, and my CM has started to dry up. I'm thinking that either my body didn't ovulate without the trigger, but went through the motions, or it did and the OPK just didn't pick it up. If I did ovulate, we did everything possible to ensure that pregnancy could occur... I guess we'll find out. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be the day. All the info says that on Clomid ovulation typically occurs from 7-10 days after the last pill - that would make today the 10th day. Of course, it also says that some people can be outside of that norm and can ovulate a lot later. So, who knows. The EWCM has gone away, so it makes me think that the chance of ovulation still happening is pretty slim.

So frustrated.

Sleep clinic

So, I talked with the sleep clinic yesterday. Turns out that they want me to come in to get the equipment so that I can be tested for sleep apnea. At least I don't have to do a complete overnight with them, however, I am pretty sure that I don't have sleep apnea. I have asked my husband who says that I have never stopped breathing or gasped for air in the six years we've been sharing a bed. I do have a long list of other sleep related issues: grinding teeth, restless legs, moaning, talking, sleepwalking, etc. But I rarely snore and I haven't been gasping for air... so I don't know why the need to test for sleep apnea. But, I'll go for the test. Maybe they'll find something else - or at least rule this out and start looking for something else. I was shocked that when I called she said they could get me in as soon as April 3! That's quick. I'm sure it will take time to get the results back, but at least the test will be done. I just hope that it won't be too miserable of a machine. Being a light sleeper, anything that is stuck to me or touching me makes me crazy when I sleep! The thought of having to use a machine permanently really worries me.

Time to be judgy...

Yes, I teach English. Yes, I just used the word judgy. No, I don't care that it's completely incorrect. My students laugh at me all the time because I make up words - but at least I make it clear that I'm making them up.

So, here is what I'm judgy about today.

I am sure that parenting is hard work. And I know that kids do certain things in their own time. And I'm sure that if I was a parent I might think differently about this. And I'm sure that parents out there would dismiss this as the ramblings of someone who just doesn't know.

I figure that this probably falls under the category of mind your own business, but right now I don't care.

I spent the day at a convention, and at this convention, it seems that I must have been at the table where all pregnant women were required to walk by. It was painful! But I digress.

I hate it when people tell me what I should be doing to conceive. When they give me the unsolicited advice it makes me crazy, but I'm going to do the same to parents out there... but at least I'm doing so with full awareness...

ADVICE: if you child can ask for their bottle or soother, they are too old to have it!!!

We went to Walmart to stock up on some stuff after the convention. At the next cashier was a couple with a young child. The boy was old enough for them to allow him to wander around then ends of the tills without holding his hand... in a public place... with a bunch of strangers... but that's another issue altogether. All of a sudden the boy starts screaming - very clearly I might add - where's my baby bottle? where's my baby bottle? The woman tells him "just wait, when mommy's done paying, I'll give you your baba".

Ok, so I detest when parents use baby language with children. I fully feel that it is part of the reason why there are so many language and speech issues with children these days (the other reason is television as the babysitter, but that's another post). If you child can say bottle clearly, then you can say bottle clearly. Don't keep calling it a baba... and why the hell were you calling it that in the first place? Do people realise how ridiculous they sound and look when they use baby terms? It just really annoys me. Maybe it's just me??

Anyway, this child kept screaming for his "baby bottle". Hell, even the kid knew that it was for babies! The cashier at my till looked over, then looked back at us and rolled her eyes. She said "you have no idea how many of those we see every day".

Seriously - things that are meant for babies should be reserved for babies. If they are old enough to ask for it by name, they are too old to have it. That goes for diapers too - if they can walk up to you and say "I need my diaper changed", then chances are that they should be using the toilet. And yes, I have heard this one said by a three year old in the past.

So there you go - my rant for the day. Again, I realise that parenting is hard, and I hope that one day I get to face those difficult moments of taking away the bottle, but you can quote me on this... my child will not be demanding, clearly, a baby bottle when they are that age!

Stupid sticks!

Still no positive OPK. I am 7days past the last Clomid pill. I know that they typically say that a person will ovulate between 5-9 days afterward. Has anyone ovulated later than that? I'm not doing the trigger this month since I'm kinda going against drs orders (well not against, but she didn't say to take the Clomid and I'm pretty sure if I would have asked her she would have told me not to). So without the trigger I wonder whether I will ovulate at all. I hope so, but the OPK just came back negative which means we kinda only have a couple more days... I think.

My CM seems to be playing along and my BBT plummeted this morning - as in down .4 degrees Celsius! That's a big jump. I assumed from that that I would get a positive OPK today. Sigh. Is it possible to still. Ovulate without a positive?

This TTC stuff is so confusing. I wish I was one of those people who doesn't know what OPK and BBT stand for.

The Mother of All Headaches

First of all, welcome to anyone who is here from ICLW - hope I'll be seeing more of you.

I woke up this morning with an instant headache! It hurt so much!! Just a generalized headache everywhere. Started out with a muscle relaxant thinking it might help. Two hours later popped some Tylenol. It managed to dull the headache for a while. That is until my 1:00 class decided that today was the day to violate all of my classroom rules and act like a bunch of orangutans. Seriously, they are usually so well behaved, but today it was insane. They even managed to convince me that I was short two handouts - which I believed - and I spent the next 7 minutes making two more handouts for them, only to get back to the room and discover that everyone had one. I snapped. Usually if I tell a class that I'm not feeling well, etc, they start acting better, but not today!

I wonder if the headaches are related to the Clomid still. Both cycles I have had headaches everyday while taking the pills. But I'm 5 days past the last pill. One would think it wouldn't be that. What about ovulation? Anyone else get headaches around the time of ovuation? I'm at a loss.

On the upside, our drama production for competition is coming along wonderfully. Some of the acting is phenomenal! We have one young woman who wanted to be part of it, and I gave her a rather large part thinking she would be OK at it. She is the best actor on the stage by far! She's amazing... body language, facial expressions, tone of voice... next to no coaching and she's got it! She's amazing. I told her that after practice and she started tearing up. She told me that I made her day... and you know what? That made my day.

March Photo Challenge - Day 21

Yay! I finally got a photo challenge done on the day that it is!

Prompt: Treat

Baklava! I love baklava. I love how it's crispy and flaky and sweet and gooey - just about perfect. I broke down yesterday and bought a tray of it... so good. yummm

March Photo Challenge - Day 19 & 20

Day 19 - prompt: numbers

Ok, I cheated a bit on this one. I actually took this picture in December. It is of the display on our car. I took it around mid December. Take a look at the temperature reading! That's right! First of all, positive numbers in December is amazing at all, but that high?? And the winter continued in this same way and today it was sitting at nearly 14 degrees! By tomorrow it's supposed to be 21 degrees. That's summer weather! Today, apparently, Toronto was supposed to be 30 degrees... the Bahamas weren't that warm. Insanity!

Day 20 - prompt: button

Ahhh, television, my friend. A friend of mine has a saying "tv good, people bad". Some days it just really feels that way... and today was kind of one of them. So, I hunkered down with my remote and let the evening disappear.

I should be happy... right?

So I went to my GP today. She had called and asked me to come in for test results.

I've been feeling like crap lately. Soooo very tired. All the time! I'm always cold. I figured that it had to be one of three things: iron deficiency, B12 deficiency, or thyroid.

I figured these three things because I have past history of Iron and B12 anemias... quite badly too. So I routinely get them checked just to make sure. When they discovered the B12 anemia, my B12 was sitting at 12 when it should have been at least 700. It was nearly non-existent. It had never been tested - I don't make that mistake now.

I figured that thyroid was a good possibility because I am always cold, I can't seem to lose weight, my hair has thinned quite a bit over the past few years, and I'm exhausted... not to mention the whole IF thing.

So I go in to get the results and after a miserable hour of sitting next to a woman who had a toddler and a baby (it was the only empty chair when I came in), and getting hit repeatedly by the stroller that she refused to move from in front of my chair... I finally got in to see the doctor.

She informed me that all my blood tests came back perfect. Nothing was even close to too high or too low. Iron, B12, Thyroid, Liver Function, Kidney Function, Infections, Complete Blood Counts. All perfect. She said that she couldn't ask for a better result.

So, I'm completely healthy! So why am I so upset by all of this?? I actually broke down crying in her office. She's just so sweet that she held my hand and gave me a hug to make me feel better. She said that she gets how much I want this and that I just want answers.

I just wish she could have given me some. I guess I figured that it must be thyroid. Actually, the doctor said that she would have put money on it being thyroid too - she was shocked when she saw the results.

I'm so frustrated.

She is referring me to a sleep specialist however. I don't sleep - well, not well anyway. I'm a very light sleeper and have had sleep disorders (sleep walking, talking, etc) since I was a small child. I often talk in my sleep and I do this weird moaning most of the night. The first time my husband and I slept in the same bed he asked me in the morning what kind of X rated dream I was having. LOL. That's another thing - I rarely dream.. at least not that I remember. I don't see how I could dream when I wake up every half hour or so. So a sleep specialist should see me in about 3 months - so we'll see what comes of that.

Finally, the last thing... the reason she wanted to see me... my ankle. In December I tripped down the stairs and severely sprained my ankle. Or at least that's what I thought. It turns out that the bad sprain was actually a chip fracture. I never went to get it checked originally because I had sprained my ankle numerous times before and figured it wasn't worth the time to go all the way into the city for an xray to be told it was sprained. But apparently it was worse than a sprain. The bottom of the bone chipped and that's what the pain is all about. She said it should be feeling better by now. She also said that they would have told me to just do what I had done anyway - nothing could really be done for it anyway. So it wasn't a big deal that I didn't come in. She gave me a requistition for another xray to be done in June. She said if it hadn't healed up by then, she would refer me to an orthopedic surgeon because I would likely need surgery to correct it. She is assuming that there is some major ligament damage to go with the chip fracture.

Fun and games.

I just wish that I felt better about the results. :(

Update

AF and spotting finally stopped.

I'm in a miserable mood.

CD 11 and no positive OPK yet... expecting to see one on CD 13 or 14 if the last round of Clomid was to be believed.

Starting to stress about the biopsy results... had a revelation today that it wasn't just two possible results (the same or better) there was those third and fourth results that I hadn't considered (worse and cancer). I had a meltdown tonight about it.

Also had a meltdown tonight when my dear friend Facebook told me that another one of my friends is expecting... that's the third announcement in three weeks on FB... might have to stop looking.

Also had a related meltdown about how all of my friends with kids have basically pushed me away as the social outcast as they do stuff together all the time and I'm just not invited because it's about the kids. That would be great except that's basically the only time the girls I went to university with get together. It's like when I failed to have a child, I was no longer accepted. Just another club that I can't be part of... and it really hurts. :(

March Photo Challenge - Days 16-18

Round two to catch up (well not completely, I still don't have today's picture ready to go)

Day 16 - prompt: morning

I HATE MORNINGS! Seriously, hate them! I'm not a morning person, and generally it's better for the world around me if I can stay in bed until at least 10. But alas, I chose the profession of teaching and they don't like it when you don't make it to your morning classes... so I trudge through. This picture is my morning "make me pretty" routine. I don't typically go out of the house without makeup (unless I"m sick, then anyone who comments is going to hear about it anyway). It looks like a lot of stuff, but it only takes me about five minutes to get ready so it's not too bad.

Day 17 - prompt: green

To some of you this might not seem that green, but to me, it's amazing! In the middle of March we're experiencing spring and summer temperatures. Usually we don't see this view from the front window until well into May, so this is just awesome. Nearly all the snow is gone from our yard - we're usually still having to deal with blizzards and snowblowers, but this year it's been insanely warm... and I like it!

Day 18 - prompt: stretch

Ok, I promise, no more cat pictures. I've overdone it. I can't help it. They are always around and I have nothing else to focus on. I could give you a picture of my stack of marking - that's always around too. Anyway, this boy just has no fear at all. He goes to sleep and stretches out as much as he can, snoring away. I always thought that cats were supposed to protect their stomachs... but not this guy - guess he expects me to protect it for him

March Photo Challenge - Days 13-15

So I came on here to add yesterday's photo and realised that I never did catch up! Oops. So, now you get two posts full of photo fun!

Day 13 - prompt: glow

I call this one "Kitty Rave". Just look at his eyes when he's staring at it! He followed me around the house for about an hour after I put it away. It's not as epic as I was hoping, but the pics that I took of the two of them in the dark room just didn't turn out - but I thought that this was pretty cute anyway.

Day 14 - prompt: design

When we bought our house three years ago, it was designed in the style of 1980's elderly. Every room had wallpaper and old, stained carpeting. Ok, the bathroom didn't have carpet, but it had a wonderful 1980s lino which had seen better days. The first room we went after was the bathroom. We pulled up the lino, tore down the wallpaper (yep, even wallpapered in the bathroom), and then started fixing and making it pretty. I picked out these tiles for the walls. We did a beige 12x12 tile on the floor and these 8x8 tiles on the walls to about 4 ft up from the floor. My father-in-law laid all the tile himself and I did all the grouting. I was so thrilled with the end result. I still love the tiles today, nearly two years after we did it ... which is good because he keeps telling that "those tiles aren't coming off, you're going to have to take the drywall and everything off if you change your mind!"

Day 15 - prompt: build

Yes, I know, the prompt was build, not bake, but here's the thing. Ever since I was a small child, I have always referred to making a cake as building a cake. Don't know why... the baking process always feels like a massive undertaking to me and in the end I've built something. So the other day I had to "build" a cake for a school function. I thought that it looked quite pretty. It was a yummy berry creamsicle flavour with a berry topping and graham cracker crust.

Still Going

WARNING: This post is going to cross serious lines of too much information! Enter at your own risk. :)

AF won't go away.

TMI time. All day, all I get is a couple of spots on a pad, but each time I wipe the paper is covered in bright red. So frustrating. I just want it to stop. This spot spot spot is ridiculous. I've done an internet search which has turned up nothing - and I'm the queen of the internet searches... if it can be found, I find it. Apparently nobody has ever had this problem? I doubt that. Maybe it's not the medication, maybe my body is just messed up.

I took an OPK today, because I figured if the last time I ovulated on CD 13, then I should probably start doing them on today or tomorrow. So I figured, why not today... just in case. Negative of course, but I kinda expected that.

Seriously, Jenny's suggestion of the turkey baster method may be our only hope this month if things don't change soon. Someone had suggested that a shower immediately before might work since water tends to shut things down for some reason, at least for a little bit. I know that some women don't mind doing the deed while having their period, but it creeps me out a bit. There are some things that he just doesn't need to be part of... if you know what I mean. A couple of years ago, when I was having a lot of problems (as in always bleeding for seven months straight), I had a couple of days of nothing - we took advantage of that obviously. In the middle of you-know, hubby says "um, so, yeah, you have stuff going on here". I was mortified. I ran to the bathroom and cried for about 45 minutes. So, yeah, the idea of just working through it is not an option.

It's so freakin' frustrating! Finally to the point where there might be hope and I'm still bleeding! Make it stop... somebody make it stop. I figure we have about four more days before ovulation... it needs to stop soon!!!! sigh

Grrrrrrrr

Quick update...

Right ovary is hurting - fairly consistent small stabs. Left ovary is stabbing in and off. My hope is that it means they are both getting to work. Don't much care for the discomfort though.

AF won't go away. It's not heavy but it's enough to be a bother. CD 7 and It seems to be stopping and starting. If this cycle is like the last Clomid cycle, I should be looking to ovulate around CD 12 or 13. If AF doesn't stop soon, it's going to make it pretty tough to time "things" properly.

On top of it, I'm angry - just feeling serious anger about everything - TTC related and otherwise. My brain is fuzzy too.

I actually just sat down in my hallway and cried at one point today... I am just so tired and so lacking hope and optimism :(

Warm

It's so nice here that we actually opened up the BBQ tonight and cooked up burgers.

I love the smell of BBQ - it just reminds me of those nights, sitting outside with friends/family, and enjoying the summer. Where I live, summer can be fleeting, so you have to enjoy it while you can. Since I became a teacher, enjoying summer got a bit easier, I admit, but I have always loved a nice summer night. Oh oh, now I have a song from Grease running through my head.

Anyway, hubby cooked up burgers (which, as I suspected, were freezer-burned and did not taste all that great), and I fried up the onions and peppers and mushrooms, and got the tomatoes and cheese and lettuce ready to go.

In the end, even though the burgers themselves did not taste great (I ended up taking mine off the bun completely), the smell of BBQ was in the air and the sandwich tasted amazing!

I know to some of you this seems odd, but for our area, having consistent temps above 10 degrees Celcius (50 Fahrenheit) in March is unheard of. We nearly have all the snow from our yard gone - and it's early March!! We're actually talking at school about starting practice for track and field since the field is going to be clear by Easter! Totally unheard of.

On a TTC note, the Clomid is making me mental. I have bad headaches that set in around 1 pm (just in time to get me to my 4th period class) and they last for the rest of the day. I'm exhausted too! I don't know why that is. I suspect a B12 or iron deficiency - I have an appointment next week to find out the blood test results from my GP. The other possibility is thyroid (which was also checked). I don't want to think that something isn't right, but at least if I know then I can fix it. And it's not like I haven't had iron and B12 deficiencies before. I figure with my family history it's only a matter of time before a thyroid problem pops up. Besides that, I'm so absent minded - I think I nearly forgot my own name today! Seriously, I got 10 minutes from home this morning when I said to hubby "why is everything so blurry today" He laughed and said "the world isn't blurry, did you remember you contacts?". Nope, didn't. Completely forgot them. Thankfully I had my glasses in the car! What a disaster!

AF is still sticking around. CD 6 at this point. One more day of Clomid tomorrow. My temps are higher this month - they are what I would have considered really high in the past cycles. Hovering at around 36.5 C (97.7 F). Previously, my normal temps were hanging around 35.8 C (96.4 F). According to the internet, anything below 36 degrees is borderline hypothermia... that's a good way to spend your life right? I just hope that in about ten days I get a big jump in temp that stays that way.

I hate waiting.

So tired and sore

Today's photo challenge will have to wait for tomorrow. I had this amazing idea and since we had such a busy day at school today, I forgot to bring home what I needed. The photo involves my cats (yes, again, but I promise after this to not put them in too many more times) but it should be awesome!! I hope.

So, we took the kids skiing today. The whole school - with the exception of a few who didn't have permission - piled onto busses and headed to the local ski hill. I spent the day sitting on a hard bench talking with kids and supervising... I don't ski! It's dangerous for me and everyone around me (probably more dangerous for them than me). I don't have a good relationship with gravity or with slippery surfaces, so I avoid the hills.

It was a mostly good day - long, and my back is sore from the benches.

Oh, and I was accused of not having good work ethic by another teacher because I was choosing to chat with students and interact with them instead of having my nose stuck in my marking. It was noisy in there and I can't concentrate with lots of noise anyway! So, I figured that talking with the kids was the best option. Apparently by doing this I was unprofessional and not showing a good work ethic! I was really upset initially but now... well... Yeah, well fuck off! I was forming relationships with the students and building trust. I'll get my marking done, I've always had my marks in when they needed to be. The kids are all comfortable talking to me and even crying on my shoulder when they need it. I have boys in highschool who regularly come and spill their guts. I have highschool students who are in hard shells who come for advice and "just to talk". I have middle-years girls who hate on every teacher who smile when they come into my class. To me that screams success and if I choose to take time away from school to interact and continue to build those relationships, well, that's my choice. Don't tell me that I don't have a good work ethic. Work isn't just about marking. And just to add this... I have more years of university education behind me than this particular teacher has been out of highschool. I have several university degrees and am planning on going back for my Masters next year... I took a 36 credit units (that's more than most students take in a whole year in university) in only five months, while I worked 40+ hours a week - and I got 90s in every class.

That's work ethic... not ignoring everyone around you while you get your fucking marking done!

Craziness and Insanity

I'm in a horrible mood today. I found the last time that the Clomid gave me sore breasts and anger. We're talking suddenly snapping anger. Today it wasn't horrible - it was sitting on the edge, just teetering into the abyss of pure anger. So today was tough. I was trying all day to stay calm enough not to snap.

Then the fit hit the shan! I won't get into specifics, because, well, I"m not supposed to, but there was a threat. A student left a serious threat in the school. It was pretty serious.

So all hell broke loose. The kids were freaked out, teachers were freaked out, admin was surprisingly calm.

We're pretty sure at this point that it was a sick joke or a reaction to a punishment, but nobody wants to play it down too much for fear that it might be true. So everyone's a bit on edge.

I had a group of high school kids staying after school for an extra-curricular, and instead of doing what we were supposed to, we had a long heart-to-heart about what was going on and how they felt. They all said they felt better having talked about it. One of their big concerns was what would happen if someone went on a rampage at the school - one girl said "in my last school we had to do two lock-downs, and when I heard about all of this I thought, wow, they don't even know how to do a lock-down here". I assured her that we do have procedures and that the teachers are trained. It made her feel better.

I wish I could say more about it, but confidentiality means that I can't.

Suffice to say, I'm a bit shaken tonight and hoping that it really was just a sick joke.

March Photo Challenge - Days 10-12

I have GOT to get better at posting these more often!! And I promise no pictures of my cats in this lot!

Day 10 - prompt: love

So, here's the picture...

So, you may be asking, "what the hell does this have to do with love". Well, it's your lucky day, because I'm going to tell you! The dog you see in the picture above is named Snigglefritz. He is about 80 years old, and he is my tangible connection to my grandfather.

My grandfather passed away when I was three-and-a-half years old. I don't have many memories of him, but the ones I do were great. He was only 60 years old so it was a big shock to the family, and since I was a grampa's girl, it was hard to console me when I realised that grampa wasn't coming back.

This dog is one that I used to play with when I was a small child, and I remember very clearly when my grandfather said to me "what's his name", and my three-year-old self replied "Snigglefritz". From that point on, that was his name.

It turns out that this dog was actually a pajama case (he has a zipper in his stomach) that my grandmother got as a child - so we figure he is about 80 years old at least now.

When my grandmother was moving out of her house shortly after Christmas, she pulled this dog out of the closet and said "does anyone want this". I jumped out of my chair and nearly scared her when I yelled "Snigglefritz". She laughed and said "oh my, I had forgotten the crazy things you and your grandfather did". She gave me the dog and told me that it belonged with me. I started tearing up. I'm tearing up just writing this.

Growing up, I would suddenly feel sad and miss my grandfather - I don't if it's possible for a child that young to have serious grief, but I'm pretty sure I must have had it and not really gotten through it, because there are days when my heart still aches for my grandfather. I'm such a sap.

Day 11 - prompt: Live

Ok, so this one's not nearly as sweet or deep...

Welcome to Mt. Laundry! I have no problem keeping up with the laundry - washing and drying it that is... I just don't do a great job of folding it and putting it away (or hanging it up). The bed in our spare room becomes the location of Mt. Laundry, and we clear it off if we have people coming to stay. I have to learn to start putting stuff away as that spare room will hopefully become a nursery, and I've heard it's a bad idea to put a baby to bed on a pile of laundry.

Day 12 - prompt: Eat

Here is tonight's supper...

Chicken and Mushroom Pesto Ravioli. It was awesome!! I love to cook (hate to clean up the mess), and I"m always game to try something new. My hubby is not an adventurous eater, so it's always a challenge to find something that I like and he will eat.

Violating Doctor's Orders

Wednesday was the big biopsy day. We got into town and to Dr. B's office about 10 minutes early and was faced with four pregnant women... FOUR!!! I still say that there should be a different waiting room for people who are TTC and going through IF. It's not fair when I have to sit and watch the happy faces all the while waiting for an appointment that could either put us back on the TTC track, or put us further behind.

So a nice little bonus, when they weighed me I weighed 40 lbs less than I had that morning on my scale. Now, I would love to say that I found the miracle for weight loss and that I managed to lose it during those three hours, but I"m just not that good... and you're not that gullible! Apparently the scale I have at home is incredibly wrong - so that was a nice surprise. Of course, it didn't stop me from gaining 3 lbs between Wednesday and today, but that's neither here nor there.

So, I go into the room and go through the basics of what to expect with the nurse. I laughed and told her that she didn't need to explain it - this was my fifth biopsy and I had a pretty good idea of what to expect. She laughed and looked through the file and said "oh, I would think so". So I got undressed and laid on the table - only to wait like that for 10 minutes.

Finally Dr. B came in and man is that woman fast. Within two minutes of coming into the room, she was putting in the catheter - which, for the first time, went in easily and smoothly! Then the biopsy itself. Good lord it hurt. I don't remember any of my biopsies being that bad!! It was awful! Then, Dr. B left me a prescription for another two months of Provera. She said that if I hadn't heard from her by April 1 I should start to take it.

Apparently, according to her calculations, April 1 should be day 10 of my next cycle. I think that she might need to refresh her math skills as I told her that I would be starting my next cycle on Saturday likely. So, she wants me to take it if she doesn't call first, and also that I would have it so if the biopsy doesn't come back the way that we want it to.

What got me was that she actually asked "so, you're still trying to conceive?". I just about laughed out loud. No kidding... if I didn't want to, then I'd have had the hysterectomy instead of putting up with all of this pain and medication! I was a bit taken aback that she would even ask that.

So, she wants me to take the Provera again if we don't know anything, but I'm going to violate doctor's orders... here's why.

If I wait and take the Provera, and then the biopsy comes back clear, it is a wasted cycle. I can't take anymore wasted cycles... not at 35. Not at this point where everything that I want is wrapped up in TTC. If the biopsy doesn't come back clear, then what's one more month.

So, my plan is to take Clomid this month - starting tomorrow (CD 3). In October, the protocol was Clomid on CD 3-7, then tracking ultrasound on CD 11, and trigger on CD 12. Naturally, since Dr. B wants me to take Provera, there will be no tracking ultrasound and therefore no trigger shot. Here's why I'm not worried. On CD 11, I had an 18 mm follicle, and so did the the next day. I ovulated about 16 hours later - not the 32-36 that every doctor and website says will happen. That makes me think that I was already in the process of ovulating. And when I went back for another tracking ultrasound on CD 15, the follicle was gone. So, between that and the OPK, I know that I ovulated.

So my plan this month is to take Clomid from CD 3-7, and then hope beyond hope that I ovulate on my own. I figure that if I don't, not a big deal, but if I do then we're one step closer and I will know that I don't need the trigger shot. I have a bunch OPK sticks to use, and have started to chart my temps again - so hopefully that will clearly show me that there was ovulation (or not).

And then there is the issue of the hyperplasia. If it's still there, then there is little chance that implantation could occur. But if it's gone, then the chance would be there and we need to take advantage of that. If I wait to take the Provera and the hyperplasia is gone, then we've missed that chance.

I know that I should follow the doctor's orders, but the last time the Provera got rid of it in three months and I was in much worse shape then than I was this time. My gut is telling me that the Provera did it's job and that we're going to be cleared to TTC, so why wait.

Am I crazy? Yeah probably!

March Photo Challenge - Days 7-9

So I've been away from my computer for a few days - while I took pictures, I find that trying to post blogs from the app on my phone to be very difficult, so I am trying to catch up now.

March 7th - prompt: purple

I can't even take credit for this photo. I mean, I took it, but it was my husband who noticed it and pointed it out to me. He took one look and said "hey, isn't today's prompt purple?" So, it's a couch - big deal... well, here's the deal with it. This is the couch that sits in my OB/GYN's office. I was there on Thursday for my follow-up biopsy (more on that in another post). I have sat on that couch numerous times, waiting for what I hoped to be good news (never to get it). I have sat in the chair across from that couch numerous times watching women who were exploding with pregnancy or holding a new-born. I maintain that any office that is OB/GYN should be forced to have two waiting rooms. One of pregnant and new mothers, and one for the rest of us. It's so hard to sit and see them. On Thursday, there were five of us in the office -me and four very pregnant women. *sigh* So, here's purple...

March 8 - prompt: heal

A couple of weeks ago, I got the horrible death of a cold/flu. I was laid out for nearly an entire week - three days with a 102 degree fever! I started getting sick on Monday and wasn't able to do anything until the following Sunday. I felt better just in time for the week back to school (I should mention that the whole week that I was sick was my week off of school). When I'm sick like that, the only thing that I'm able to keep down is apple juice and arrowroot cookies. Apparently, right back to my toddler days, that's how it was. My mother would offer me different juices or crackers or toast, and I just wouldn't touch it. To this day, that's all that I can manage to keep down - or want to eat.

March 9 - prompt: soft

When I think soft, I think of one thing - my cat. He is incredibly soft - so fluffly! A few months ago, I bought a fluffly blanket to toss on the couch. Often it ends up bunched up on the end of the couch when we're not using it. Our younger cat loves soft stuff. He will find the softest thing and cuddle up to it. I came home one day a couple of months ago (yes I cheated and didn't take this on the 9th, but I figured it was the softest picture I could possibly get) and I found him and the blanket in a state of bliss. He was purring so hard that I could hear him the minute I walked into the room. All I wanted to do was grab him and hug him. We often refer to the blanket as the Mama-blanket because he is drawn to it and cuddles with it all the time - he will spend an hour straight just kneading at the blanket with his little eyes closed.

March Photo Challenge - Day 6

Before I get to today's prompt, I wanted to follow up on yesterday's commute photo. I wanted to share today's commute as it was MUCH worse than yesterday. It took us twice as long as usual to get to work - snow-covered highways, snow drifts, blowing snow, falling snow, etc. Lots and lots of fun. Here is a picture of today's commute...

And now onto today...

Today's prompt - Challenge

Take a good look at this picture. As I snapped it, they both stopped what they were doing and looked at me... just prior to this, the kitty thunderdome was in full swing. The grey cat sits on the top and reaches down to grab at the bottom one. The bottom one reaches around the side to grab at the top one. They do this until one gives up and runs off... then the one who is left waits and starts to meow until the other comes back and it all starts again - I swear, they amuse themselves for hours this way. It is the major kitty challenge of our house. :)

The Big Day

I'll post my photo challenge pic a bit later. For the moment, I need to talk about tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the big day. Not a birthday, not a wedding, not even a payday... it's biopsy day.

I had initially had my biopsy scheduled for the 14th. A couple of weeks ago I recalculated where I would be on my cycle on the 14th and it was going to be at the beginning of a new cycle. That wouldn't work. Dr. B wants to do the biopsy near the end of a cycle. So, I called the office and explained my situation to the receptionist. She was awesome. She said that Dr. B is only in on Wed and Thurs this week, but that they would just have to fit me in, because it was a time sensitive thing.

I hated the idea of waiting for three hours to get in, but it has to be done... so I took the 4:20 appointment.

I booked a dentist appointment for that day earlier - so two fillings and a biopsy nearly back to back... fun fun fun.

Today, after work, I noticed that the office had called me. I decided to call back since they were still open. The receptionist told me that there had been a cancellation of a C-section, so could I come for 11:45. She said that the morning was pretty quiet so they should be able to get me in quickly.

So now the biopsy is changed to 11:45, and I have a dentist appointment at 1. Talk about all the pain in one big lump.

I'm terrified that this biopsy is going to go badly. First of all the pain is always ridiculously intense and the only advice I get is to "take some Advil" which is great but I'm allergic. So there's that to look forward to.

Then there is the waiting for the results. Luckily, Dr. B calls with results, so hopefully she gets them back quickly. I don't have a lot of faith that the medroxy has worked... I hope so, but I don't have a lot of faith that it did.

If it didn't work, then we're back to more months of the medroxy - and maybe a D&C to clear it out first. That's what worries me. THe last time I had a D&C first so the medroxy worked great. This time I was starting with an 11 mm lining and then starting the medroxy.

God I hope it works. I just want to get back to trying again - the waiting kills me.

Truly Charitable

I just wanted to share this with everyone because I"m so very proud of the province I call home after this weekend.

Every year, for the past 35 to get exact, the Kinsmen/Kinettes Clubs of this province have put on an event called Telemiracle. It is a 20-hour telethon that is aired on all local stations. They bring in talent from all over the country, and have tons of local talent from around the province as well. People from around the province call in to donate money.

The money goes to providing for special needs. Basically, anyone with special needs or illness who needs specific equipment or has travel expenses, or accommodation needs can apply for funding.

This telethon has made the record books worldwide as one of the biggest per-capita telethons in the world.

Think about this... there are just barely a million people in this province, and this year they raised 5.9 million dollars in 20 hours. Amazing eh!! I'm so proud of all the work that people have done. There are always tons of fundraisers and schools, community groups, families do special fundraisers all the time.

Growing up I loved this show. I should mention that the longest standing celeb to be on it is Bob McGrath. That's right, Bob from Sesame Street. He's made 35 out of 36 telethons. The one year he didn't make it, he was sick. The story goes that Bob now refuses all payment for his appearance - he apparently pays his own hotel and airfare to get to the show, because he is so touched by the miracles that they perform. I don't know if this is really true, but I like to believe it is.

Anyway, growing up, my brother and I would sit in front of the tv at 9 pm waiting for it to start and then try to stay up all night watch. We loved it. We would keep close track of the ongoing totals and wait for our names to scrawl across the bottom of the screen with our donations.

As I've gotten older, the draw of the show itself has worn off a bit - it's just not as shiny as it used to be. The celeb names not as big, and the presentations of money not as exciting. However, the actual cause has become a lot more real to me.

I have a close friend who I have known since I was three. We went to pre-school together and are still friends today. That's 32 years people, which may not seem like much, but we're only 35! Anyway, about four years ago, my friend had her second child. Until 17 weeks, things seemed to be perfect, then she started spotting and having major cramping. She went to the doc and they did an ultrasound. What they discovered was astonishing. The baby had a giant oemphalacele. This is a condition where the abdominal organs grow on the outside of the body and the stomach does not close as it's supposed to. His stomach, liver, intestines, and spleen were all in a sack outside of his body. This was the worst case they had ever seen in Canada.

My friend could not bring herself to end the pregnancy, even though doctors recommended it. When she hit term, they induced and the decision was to keep the baby warm and comfortable until he passed. But when he was born he fought so hard and was healthy with the exception of the oemphalacele that the doctors had to intervene.

This little boy, David, spent the first year of his life in the NICU and PICU. He is now four and his stomach is completely closed up. He had other heart and lung complications as well which led to him needing a trache tube put in. The hope is that his trache will be removed next month.

This little boy is smart and so charismatic... you can't help but fall in love with him.

Anyway, without Telemiracle, my friends would have lost everything - they would have been homeless and unable to care for their sick child properly. Telemiracle saved this family.

The miracle of this telethon is not lost on me. Today, more than ever, I understand what a difference it can make in the life of an individual or family. I don't think twice about giving to this cause and if you are looking for a truly helpful charity to donate to, I urge you to do it. I can speak to the impact that they have and that the funds raised really do go to worthwhile causes - not to politics and overhead.

If you are looking to be inspired, or just to simply fall in love, check out the video of David's story - I dare you not to fall head-over-heels for this little heart breaker!

Recipient Testimonials - David

March Photo Challenge - Day 5

Today's Prompt - Commute

Oh, I have a long commute. I'm sure to some people a 45 minute drive to work seems like nothing, but when it's all mostly deserted highway, it feels like forever. It used to take me a solid 30 minutes in city to commute and that seemed like nothing. I think it's the difference between other drivers and having to remain always alert. The worst we have to watch for is deer. I was hoping that today I would see one of the many herds of deer, or some of the coyotes or foxes that we typically see each day, but alas, nothing.

So here is the view from inside the car on the commute to work this morning. At least I don't have to drive it myself - that makes it a bit better.

March Photo Challenge - Day 4

Today's Prompt: Illuminate

I saw this little scene when I walked into my living room last night. Oh and that's my wedding bouquet sitting beside the lamp :)

March Photo Challenge - Day 3

Today's prompt - domestic

Ok, so I have a degree in Political Science and my brain works in that sort of way. When I read domestic, I thought "not international". lol. This morning, driving to a curling game I saw the most beautiful big Canada flag flying in the wind - the curves were brilliant and it looked so amazing. And I kept driving. About 10 km down the road I thought "dammit - that would have been perfect for the challenge". So I struggled all day to figure out what to use for domestic and, after looking at some other posts, decided to go with the domestic/home idea.

This picture is about half of the cookbooks that I own. Guess how often I use cookbooks? Hardly ever - I'm kind of a just mess with it until it tastes right type of cook. But I own all of these anyway - a whole shelf. Hell, see that Egg cookbook? I hate eggs - the taste, the smell, the texture, everything about them... and yet I have the cookbook.

March Photo Challenge - Day 2

Today's prompt - Feet

I would have taken a picture of my own feet, but I desperately need a pedicure. I thought about the cat paws, but I have other plans for pictures for them. Instead I found this in my yard and thought it was perfect. I know it's not a picture of feet, but feet have definitely been here!

March photo challenge - Day 1

Day 1 - Self portrait

At this point I'm still not really comfortable posting a photo of myself to the blog. I'm not convinced that someone that I don't want to know all these intimate details won't find it. But hey, they say that the eyes are the window to the soul, so really, this is about as true of a picture as your going to get. Of course this picture is just confirming to me that I need to get my brows waxed again.

If you want to join in the photo challenge fun, go visit Scrambled Eggs to see what it's all about.