Here we go again

my sister-in-law called tonight.... She is pregnant again. Her response... "If it makes you feel better, we weren't trying". Yes, after trying for nearly four years it makes me feel much better that you didn't even try and still got pregnant.

Sigh

Been crying ever since.

FML

In the I-dont-wanna-be-here-but-cant-find-my-way-out dumps

I notice that it's been nearly two months since my last post and boy do I have a whole lot of nothing to say.

Seriously.  Nothing has changed.  I'm still on the meds being ignored by doctors and being made to feel like I"m the one who caused all of this trouble.

Since my last post a bit has happened, but I just felt like every time I write something I'm complaining and/or have nothing of interest to say.  Unlike so many bloggers, I don't even have the TWW or the testing to talk about... I'm stuck in limbo and it sucks.

Anyway, here is my little bulleted update of what has happened in the last two months...

• All the weight that I lost in the spring, came back with a vengeance when I switched from Provera to Megesterol.  I gained back all 40 lbs lost plus an additional 30.  Now I am dreading seeing the RE (if we even get to that point, because I"m going to get to hear the weight speech... again)  I've been trying to lose it, but even shorting myself 400 calories a day and working out for 40 minutes a day has resulted in a two pound gain this week. It pisses me off.  I don't know what to do anymore.

• I have to have another biopsy. The oncologist wants it in December, I"m trying to get it done earlier so that I can hopefully be off of the drugs by Christmas.  I'd like to feel more like myself when dealing with family drama. I called to set up an appointment, but have heard nothing back.  It doesn't help that I'm refusing to do it without a great deal of pain management. She gave me drugs stronger than morphine last time, and an anti-anxiety and it hurt worse than ever. I know it's a first world problem, but I shouldn't have to deal with that kind of pain given the pain management techniques we have today.  Guaranteed if it was a biopsy of my testicle, I would be knocked out.

• Currently, two people in my life are pregnant. It's funny how you can feel so differently about pregnancy depending on who it is.  The first is my SIL.  We found out via text message.  I don't know when she's due or anything about the pregnancy because everyone is afraid to tell us anything.  We've been excluded completely.  I know that people are doing to try to be helpful, but they are making me feel worse about it.  I don't want a minute by minute update, but telling me nothing is even worse.  I'm rather upset about this whole pregnancy because my BIL is such an ass and I just don't know how someone like that can be allowed to have a baby when my husband who would be an amazing father is being deprived of it.  Being completely selfish, it also bugs me because we've been trying so long and I was sure that we would provide the first grandchild for his parents and now that's taken away.  

• The second person in my life expecting is Sprout.  This one I'm thrilled about!  I honestly have no feelings of anger or sadness or anything but happiness over it.  I'll be honest, I had about a ten second "why not me" episode and then I was good... and have been ever since.  Now, I fully plan on spoiling that little nugget and being so obnoxious about wanting to babysit that she bans me from her house forever, but I think that if I try hard enough, she won't notice when I replace the baby with a bag of flour in the crib :)  Seriously though... I'm so excited and thrilled about this pregnancy. She's waited so long and I've always known that she will make an amazing mother!  Now I just have to wait patiently for her to be ready to go baby shopping - although I admit, I've already started checking out stuff online :)

• My work is sucking this year.  I don't know what it is.  We've had a lot of changes at our school this year and it's just not the same.  I worry that it will continue to get worse, but then I think that maybe it's my mood.  The meds have made me a basketcase and I'm depressed all the time.  It's all I can do to get through the day without snapping, then my poor husband has to deal with it at home

• My puppy is getting so big.  He's over 60 lbs now and is barely 7 months.  And his feet are still WAY too big for his body.  We got a giant snow storm this weekend and he's discovered that he loves snow... so much that he whines at the door to go out and play... constantly!

That's all I have for you right now.  Like I said, just a bunch of whining... nothing of value here.

All clear

This will be short as I'm on my phone.

I finally got a call from the oncologist today (yes the nurse called me back on a Sunday). I had called them last week because I just couldn't keep living in the land of assuming that things were ok because they didn't call. The message on my machine when I got home today was good news.

The biopsy was completely clear. No signs of hyperplasia or precancerous cells I any sort. The dr is really happy with my response to the drugs and wants me to stay on until Feb which bugs me a bit... That's a long time, and a longer wait to get back to TTC again. She wants to do a follow up biopsy in December to make sure things are still good and then I'm not sure her plan.

But for now were out of the cancer woods. I just wish I felt happier about it but I'm so exhausted by the whole situation and everything that I just feel sad.

Support Group

*oh my god, something is messed up with my fonts in this post and I don't know how to fix it - it's making me mental... I apologize.

I mentioned the drama of the FB support group in my last post.  It's pissing me off and a few of you suggested that I should create a new group.  So, I did just that.

I have created a "Secret" group on FB.  It's a support group for those of us dealing with IF and TTC.  I've called it "Still TTC... WTF?!"  The point of a "secret" group is that the only people who can see the members and the posts, or even that the group exists are those who are members of the group - and people have to be invited to join.  After discussion with a couple of people, here's what I came up with for the description of the group....

Every time we turn around someone else we know is getting pregnant, and we're still trying. It all feels endless sometimes and support is never a bad thing. This group is intended to be a support for those who are still trying to conceive, and allow for frank discussion. 

I have set up this group as a secret group. That means that only the members of the group can see the posts and other members. Don't worry, nothing will appear on your wall for the public to see.

It is important that this group remain true to it's purpose. If a member should get pregnant, nobody is going to wish you ill-will, but it is important that you remember the purpose for the group. If you wish to remain and be supportive of those people still TTC, that's fine but if your posts start discussing your pregnancy status (posting repeated pictures of BFPs, ultrasounds, beta results, etc) you will be asked to leave the group. This is not to be mean, but to protect those people still trying.

I want to invite anyone who is interested to join the group.  If the idea of having a more discussion based support than just blog and comments, then this might be a good thing for you.  Naturally it means that we would know each other's names, etc.  I am assuming that we're all mature enough to keep identities quiet, etc.  

If you would like an invite to the group, or have questions about it, please email me at pjw720@mail.usask.ca  I will need your FB name or email in order to find you and add you.  We'd love to have you over in the group.  And again, I don't personally have a problem with women who are currently pregnant being part of the group, as long as they realise that it's purpose isn't to discuss pregnancy, but TTC and IF.  I know that a lot of bloggers are pregnant but have dealt with IF for a long time and can be a great source of support.

Anyway, if you are interested, let me know :)  Hope to hear from you!

Lovely Health System

First of all, I'm trying to write this on my phone so I apologize for the mistakes.

I'm currently sitting in the doctor's office, waiting for the appointment with the orthopedic surgeon. My appointment was for 2:00. The woman sitting next to me was suppose to go in at 1:20 and at 2;00 was told he wasn't even there yet and his first appointment was supposed to be 12:30.

What a load of shit! I'm basically going to be waiting until 4 to see him for no good reason. The waiting room is backed up and the person sitting next to me smells like cigarette smoke (people still smoke??).

I'm getting aggravated. And go figure that a couple with a baby would come in and sit across from me. Urgh.

I know I shouldn't complain since this costs me nothing (out of pocket). That being said, the health system
Is not free. I pay taxes that pay for my health care. People seem to forget that. Every time I complain about wait times etc people always feel the need to remind me that it's free. Well not really. Have you looked at your pay stub lately? Health care and highways are getting worse and worse and my taxes keep going up.

Is it too much to ask that the doctor who has an appointment at 12:30 actually be in the office? I understand that doctors get behind, I can get that, but to not even be in the ruling office an hour-and-a-half after your first appointment... That's just rude.

Not looking forward to this appointment at all!

Supportive Drama - Update

 I don't know if I've mentioned this before - I probably have - but I'm a member of a "secret" facebook group for women who are dealing with IF.  I discovered it on the WTE boards.  One of the Canadian members mentioned it and I thought it would be great!  I joined up and it was really supportive... initially.

Lately it's turned into an almost painful experience.  Six of the 24 women in the group have gotten BFPs in the last couple of months, so now we're seeing constant pee sticks from women looking for confirmation - and by constant I mean three or four a day for two weeks.  Ultrasound pics, pregnancy stories, etc, all taking up the newsfeed.  It's gotten to the point where I feel horrible even checking it out.

I'm almost at the point where I am ready to drop out of it because I just don't know if I can handle seeing more of this happy pregnancy stuff.

Yesterday someone posted something about feeling alone and wanting to know who else was NOT pregnant.  There were quite a few of us.  This led to another post by the group's admin.  She asked if another group should be started to accomodate the women who had gotten their BFPs.  In the spirit of honesty I said that I thought it was a good idea and that while I didn't harbour any ill will to the women who had gotten their BFP, I often feel upset after checking out the group because of the sheer number of pregnancy posts.

One women responded to what I had said by saying that she was offended and didn't want to be in another group, that this group had been so supportive and she wanted to stay.

That's great that the group has been supportive, but it was for a different purpose!

It reminds me of the infertility support group that I go to.  About two-three months ago, one of the members showed up and told us about her IUI and then went on to say that she was pregnant.  Great.  Congratulations.  I don't harbour ill will, but I can't be happy for her.  It might sound horrible, but there are about three people in my real life who I could be truly happy for in that case.  I spent the next month worried that we were going to have to deal with her pregnancy for the next eight months worth of meetings.  She hasn't come back  since, and I overheard the leader telling someone that she heard she was doing well, so that's good... and at least she's not coming back so that we have to see it each month.  For the record, I am not the only one in the group who feels this way.

I know that I sound like a total bitch, but I feel that support comes in certain types.  When you are gathering your support from a group of women dealing with infertility, don't expect support from the same group when you are pregnant.  It is like a slap in the face to those of us still TTC, particularly if we've been TTC for a very long time.  I know that no amount of IF is pleasurable, but when you have to listen to the pregnancy stories, ultrasounds, etc of someone who has been TTC only a few months... it's even more painful.

I know it's self-pity, but it's there none-the-less.  I just don't understand how those who are pregnant now can't understand that it might be painful for those of us not there yet.

So, as for the FB group - I don't know what's going to happen.  If the drama continues I might just leave it.  I guess we'll see.

*****
Update:  So after a lot of back and forth in the group, nearly every woman who is currently pregnant complained that they were offended and saw the group as a support system that they didn't want to leave.  A couple of us said how it was painful to see constant pee sticks and ultrasounds and discussions of betas and morning sickness.  That resulted in complaints that we needed to remember that some of them had been TTC for a very long time and we should see it as a sign that it's possible.  Well, not one of them has my condition, so I don 't see it as hope, I see it as someone else getting what I want and shoving it in my face.

The final decision by the group's admin was that most of the members wanted things left as is, so that's how it would stay.  Now I need to decide if I can keep seeing it all, or if I should just give it up completely.  I don't know if I can keep reading all those posts.  My hope is that maybe those who are pregnant will realise that their posts are hurtful and cut back on them... hopefully.

Update and a Smile

So two weeks ago today I had my biopsy.  The oncologist said that if everything was fine, she wouldn't call. If it was still there or worse, she would call.  I had asked the lab how long it would take for the results of the biopsy to come back.  They told me 5-7 days.  So the oncologist should have the results by now.  Do I assume that everything is fine because she hasn't called?  It is like lulling me into a false sense of security.  Not getting a call makes me think that everything might be fine, but then I think back to the biopsy that I had in March, and when I called after a month, I found out that they were waiting on a second opinion because they didn't know how bad it was.  Turns out it was the worst it could be (with the exception of cancer).  I'm not worried about it coming back cancerous - they did the MRI, cancer would have shown up.  And I do seem to be responding to treatment - the lining is much thinner than it was and apparently the spotting every couple of weeks is normal and the oncologist was happy with the results.  She thinks that it's cleared up - but I"m not convinced.  I had the waiting.  This is much worse than the TWW!

On another issue, the car that died about three weeks is done for.  The engine seized up completely.  The best guess is that the oil pump went and the engine was getting no oil, and burned up.  The total cost for repairs would be about $4000.  That's great except that the car is was worth only about $1000 max.  So we got it towed back to the in-law's place where it is sitting.  I'm hoping to sell it on kijiji or by classified ad for a few hundred.  The body is still in good shape and it has some new and newish parts in the engine (brand new starter motor for example).  The tires have less than 10,000 km (6000 miles) on them.  The interior is in really good shape.  So hopefully someone wants it for parts, or has an engine they can pop in and get a few years off of it.  Failing that option, we may donate it to the kidney foundation - they at least give you a tax receipt for the car donation, so that would be good.  Turns out a wrecker will only give me about $100 for the thing, so that's the last option.

So, we went on the car hunt.  It made it extra difficult given that I was just released from bankruptcy a month ago.  So my credit is nil and not too many people want to take a chance on lending me money.  I found a bunch of vehicles that I was interested in at one dealership and called them up.  They ran the credit and found out that they could do a payment for me up to $700 per month.  That would have taken care of a new vehicle, but that seemed awfully high (particularly with hubby still not employed).  Knowing that we could get  the money made it easier to look for something.  I went to do some test driving, and ended up test driving a couple of different models.  The Jeep Compass that I thought would be the key for us turned out to be like driving a tin can, and the Hyundai Santa Fe was like sitting in a shoe box.  Seriously, right now, take your hand and put it on you eyebrows like you're going to salute.  Then look straight ahead... that's what the visibility was like for me in the Santa Fe.  I had less than inch of head room between my head and roof!  I didn't even bother driving it.  In the end, the winner was a 2006 Chevrolet Equinox.  It's silver and completely decked out - automatic everything and the miles on it were minimal - only 109,000 km (67,700 miles for you American folk).  I'm pretty happy with it so far.  I nearly lost it on hubby when I got into the car today though.  He has a habit of putting his sunglasses, wallet, etc on the console in front of the gauges.  Now, in his little car I get that, there is no storage room, but this one has all sorts of space.  I threw his stuff around and screamed for a bit (he wasn't in the car btw lol).  Anyway, I'll have to work on training him on that. :)

So that's the current update.  I go back to work in a week and students are back in two weeks.  I just don't know where the summer went!  But hey, my countdown timer told me I'm less than 6 months til Hawaii, so that's a good thing!!

And I leave you with a picture that you can't help but smile at...

F*&*^% Biopsies

Well, I had my endometrial biopsy today, and yeah it was that fabulous!

The oncologist had prescribed me 1 mg of Ativan and 1 mg of Hydromophone to help with anxiety and pain.  Guess what... it did fuck all to help!  The pain was just as bad as the last one - maybe even worse.  I cried out in pain a number of times.  The doctor just kept saying "keep breathing normally".  I kept trying to take deep breaths, but the pain was so bad I couldn't breathe.  When it was all done, the room was spinning and I had broken out in a cold sweat, and couldnt' open my eyes.  I laid there for a few minutes then got up and promptly fell over.  It's a great feeling, having your naked ass hit the exam room floor.  That didn't help with the after cramping either, let me tell you.

On a scale of 1-10 of pain, this biopsy was an 8 easily.  The oncologist said that it's just not worth it to do it with general anesthesia. I disagree, but the doctor has to agree.  She did say that perhaps doing it with an IV drip might be a good idea.  I guess we'll find out in 3 months when I got back for another one.

Seriously, this might be the thing that decides whether we do more than one pregnancy.  If we manage the first pregnancy, the time between the first and second is going to have to have biopsies in order to make sure that everything is still good while I'm not pregnant.  I don't know if I can handle that.

For the last four nights I haven't slept.  I finally took a sleeping pill last night and it did knock me out which was good, but I don't feel rested.  The supposed hard-core narcotic pain killer didn't even take down my headache that I had going into the biopsy.  I tried to tell them that pain hurts me more than other people and drugs don't work well on me.  I once had a tooth pulled and it took 17 needles to almost freeze my mouth.  When I needed stitches in my knee, it took 6 needles to freeze it.  When I had my tonsils out, I counted backward from 10, hit zero, then started backward from 100... I got to 77 before I passed out.  Painkillers don't work well on me.  At least the oncologist knows for next time that this dose didn't work and maybe she can come up with a better solution.

So yeah, the biopsy was horrific.

Top it off... she took one look down there and told me that she's sure that I have an infection.  She gave me a prescription for two antibiotics and told me to take them even though we don't know what it is.  She said if it needs to be changed, she'll call when she gets the results.  Then she told me that I have some "lesions" down there, and was surprised that I wasn't in pain.  She also said that I have spots on my cervix and it looks pretty disturbed and there is obvious infection.  These antibiotics are pretty strong stuff (Keflex and Flagyl) so hopefully they will do the job.

On the upside, the MRI I had in early June to see if there was any cancer anywhere in that area, came back completely clear... so yay for that!  Since the RE said that the lining was only 15 mm in June, and the oncologist said that the fact that I've only had two days of spotting (which she said was completely normal), the oncologist said that the meds were obviously working and she was optimistic.  She also thought she had me on half the dosage so that's a bit strange... but whatever... hopefully it's worked.

So right now I"m nesting on the couch - blankies, pillows, tv, computer, and iPhone... oh and some chocolate chip cookies (I splurged and got them even though they have wheat in them and I'm not supposed to have it... I figure I've earned it).  I think that I'll break another rule and have a Diet Coke too.... why not... the day is shot and I'm in pain!  I damned well think I've earned it!

Damned Computer

For the last few days my computer hasn't been able to load Blogger.  I mean, I can read other blogs, and even my own, but when I hit the little pencil to try to write a new piece, it doesn't work.  It just keeps saying "loading".  So frustrating.  This time it worked, so I'm going to try to fit a bunch in ... sorry.

My car died.  I mean completely died.  We took the puppy to the vet for shots and on the way home (around 7 pm) the car just stopped along the highway - about an hour and a half from home.  I wanted to call my dad to come and pick us up, but my husband was determined to call his dad first (which made sense I guess since they live only half an hour from where we broke down, and my dad is over an hour).  His father told us that we could tow the car to his house and then borrow his old truck to go home.  Then after a lot of complaining and asking why we couldn't just ride with the tow truck (um, because we have the dog with us?) and why we couldn't just let the dog ride in the car as it was being towed (um, because he is 4 months old!), he finally came to get us.  When he got there he told us that we couldn't borrow the truck and would have to spend the night.  Now, if you have a dog who is crate trained, trying to get them to sleep outside a crate for one night (without some prior practice) is nearly impossible.  After an hour of being closed into the bathroom (father-in-law's suggestion), the whining and barking started.  Hubby had to sleep on the couch holding the dog's collar all night for him to settle down - even then it was only three hours of sleep all night... making for a very grumpy and tired puppy the next day.  On top of that, I got no sleep either, and we had no overnight bag, so I had to sleep in my clothes and had nothing to change into the next day.  Now, I told you before of my previous experience with my mother-in-law and the dog.  I am still furious and had no intention of going back to her house with or without the dog for a long time.  I was not given a choice.  So I was stuck in the basement with a grumpy dog all alone and to top it off my phone was nearly dead (with no charger) and there was NOTHING on TV.  I ended up taking the dog for an hour walk - we were both exhausted and he slept for and hour and then wanted to go again!  Around 3 pm, after 6 hours of working on the car, father-in-law finally gave up having no clue what could be wrong - checked the alternator, belts, battery, starter, and a couple of other things.  The fan started going off when the door was opened (with no key in the ignition) - so he thinks it is an electrical issue.  He hands us his truck keys and says that he'll get it looked at on Tuesday.  So we pile the groceries and purchases into a garbage bag and weigh it down with rocks, then pile the rest of it, us, and the dog into the cab of the truck and head for home.  The good news is that the puppy traveled wonderfully - of course he did, he could cuddle up to us all time.  By the time we got home, we all were exhausted and just wanted to sleep.  We didn't even have supper.  So long story short - my car died and who knows what that's going to cost - stay tuned.

In IF news, my endometrial biopsy is on Tuesday.  Yes, this Tuesday.  When I booked it I told the nurse (who is amazing by the way) that I am really anxious because every biopsy has gotten worse and worse for pain.  She said she'd talk to the doctor.  She called me back and said that they would fax a prescription to the pharmacy for me.  She prescribed fast-acting Ativan and Hydromorphone.  Apparently this is supposed to help with the anxiety and the pain.  Hopefully it works.  I'm really terrified that it is going to be super-painful again.  I know it's only a couple of minutes, but I'm already freaking out about the pain and really don't want to go there again.  I've been in a total funk over this upcoming biopsy for the last week at least.  I'm terrified of the pain and I"m terrified of the results.  This biopsy could be the thing that turns us back from the TTC in the fall,  or it could clear us which then causes all sorts of extra issues because the weight just isn't coming off... but that's another post.  So, yeah, the biopsy is really getting me down - I really don't want to do it... and I'm stuck on the "it's so not fair" thing again. :(

Fibroid? Cyst? Polyp? Help!!!

Ok, fair warning, this post is going to be serious TMI... you've been warned.

So the first day of my last period was March 9th.  In all fairness I was put on Provera (non-stop) up to that point, and then told to stop it at the beginning of March and wait for the biopsy results.  I did, but nothing more happened AF wise after that March AF.  Then in May I was put back on Provera (200 mg a day) and then switched to Megestrol (160 mg a day) so I haven't had a period at all.  Not really complaining... honest.  Nothing good has ever come from my periods.

Anyway, on June 26th, when I saw the RE, I had a visit from Mr. Wand-erful and the RE said that the lining looked normal, but thick (15 mm which was much less than the 34 in March, so I was happy about this).

My concern is this.  I've had a couple of instances of cramping and bleeding... just out of the blue.  On July 15th and 25th, I had a bad cramp suddenly, and then (and this is the TMI part), when I went to the bathroom I noticed the blood.  Bright red, on the TP and in the water.  It didn't last long either day - in fact when I put on a pad, no blood actually hit it, but there was definitely blood... both times.

So I start consulting Dr. Google and he says (over and over) miscarriage and/or pregnancy.  Well thank you so much.  Even when I tell him to NOT search those terms it comes up.  It's like, here's some salt for that wound.  I KNOW that I'm not pregnant.  Can't get pregnant on these drugs, and not ovulating so makes it pretty fucking hard to get pregnant... and you know what?  If I'm not pregnant, then miscarriage is out of the question too.

Everything else I find says fibroid, polyp, or even cyst.  I had one person tell me that she had that problem and had an orange sized fibroid.  But here's the thing - whatever is causing it had to develop in only two weeks as I had a clear u/s in June.

Anyone have any ideas?  Do you think it might just be my body saying that it wants to shed and the drugs won't let it?  Spotting is a side effect of Megestrol, but I hadn't had any spotting for the month prior that I was on it, so it didn't seem likely to me.

I'm just starting to worry that it's something else that might be happening.  Wouldn't it be wonderful to have something else be wrong on top of all the other IF problems that I have??  Did you get the sarcasm there?  yeah, I'm so over all of this!

Any help or ideas is appreciated!

Anniversary Drama

I feel like all I've been doing lately is venting, but here goes again... you've been warned.

Yesterday was our third wedding anniversary.  I know that three years probably doesn't seem like much to some people, but given that we've been going through this IF bullshit since before we got married - the fact that we've lasted three whole years through it, and don't want to kill each other (most days) is amazing.  Anyway, I was out shopping with a friend in the morning and then met up with hubby for a nice supper (well, Red Lobster - but I guess that's nice, right?)  So I got home around 3 and we decided to do an early supper at about 5ish.  We took the dog for a walk and put him in his kennel.  I should mention that we were in the city at my inlaws at this point.

So we put the dog in his kennel and went out for supper.  Let me tell you right now that we were gone barely more than  90 minutes from the time we left til the time we got back.  I walked into the house just before 7:30 and went into the basement to get the dog out of his kennel.  He wasn't in there.  So I figured that my mother-in-law took him outside.  She had.  I went outside and she was sitting there with this awful look on her face.  I said hi and she was super cold.  The woman is never toasty warm and lovey dovey, but she was icy at that point.  I asked if he had been barking.  She said yes.  I thanked her for taking him out and then told her that the barking was him just hearing her and being a typical puppy (always wanting attention).  She asked how long we were gone and I told her not even two hours.

When my husband came outside, she got colder.  The tension was palpable so I took the dog inside.  I was barely through the door when the shitstorm started.  She started asking how long we were gone (um, didn't I just tell you?) and why we thought it was ok to abandon our dog in the house (he was in his kennel and was fine).  She apparently (I was in the basement at this point) told my husband that we were shirking our dog ownership responsibilities and were not being good owners because we left him alone in his cage.  The fight was on then.  She told my husband that we should pack up and leave.  This was nearly 8 pm at this point, and we have two hours of driving to get home.  Plus, we had errands that we had to do before we could leave the city.  To top it off, we'd rented a couple of videos to have a nice quiet anniversary evening... so we took those back unwatched.

As we were packing, she tried to talk to my husband again - she told him that it wasn't her responsibility to take care of our dog.  He told her that she didn't need to.  He would have been fine.  He sleeps for three-four hours at time during the day in his cage, and at night he does 8 hours straight.  He's not a human baby, he doesn't need constant attention and care.  She said that my husband didn't know how to take care of a dog.  He responded with maybe he didn't, but I certainly did given that I'd had one for 18 fucking years.  She stormed off and he got madder.

We finally got packed up and ran our errands - some of which had to be left because places were closed.  We went for groceries and finally got out of the city at about 9:30.  Part of that was because I got completely sick while grocery shopping.  The bad side effects of some of the food at Red Lobster - they put white wine on some of their stuff and I've got a bad allergy to wine.  Even when I ask them to be careful, sometimes it cross-contaminates and stomach issues happen.  But I digress.

Apparently while I was in the store, hubby called his father who was out of town on a business trip.  FIL has been wanting help drywalling his new shop.  This is how the conversation went:
Hubby:  Hi, how are you?
FIL:  good, and you?
Hubby:  Pretty pissed off, your wife kicked me out of your house.  Have fun with the drywall.  Call me in September.  (click)

When hubby told me this I told him that he should apologize to his dad because he had nothing to do with it. Hubby was incensed and said  he can't go to help if he can't bring the dog.  I told him that I could keep the dog at home for the day and he could go in.  So he texted his dad today and apologized - no response, but at least he tried to man up.

Am I being completely unreasonable about this?  Pet owners... help me out here?  The dog was fine in his cage for a couple of hours and we were just wanting a nice dinner out.  If it hadn't been 30 degrees yesterday we would have taken him and put him in the car, but that wasn't safe.  If she would have just ignored him for 10 seconds, he would have quieted down.  I don't think that we're being unreasonable.

I just can't believe that she pulled this shit and kicked us out at 8 pm so that we didn't get home until after 11:30 - particularly when she knew that I was sick too.  AND on our anniversary.

She has done lots of little stuff to piss me off, but this has to be a new low.

Both hubby and I said that if she would have just said "Look, I don't really want you leaving the dog alone in the house", we would have apologized and not done it again, but we didn't see an issue in doing it, so we did, and her response was to have a hissy fit and kick us out?

Am I wrong to be pissed off?

Mother-in-Law

So this is a vent post... you've been warned.

First of all, let me say that I do really love my in-laws.  I get along great with them.  They are really wonderful people and I don't cringe about going to their house or having them come over... but sometimes, my mother-in-law drives me crazy!

She is a neat freak.  By that I don't mean that she keeps a clean house, I mean that everything needs to be spotless.  How she raised my husband (who is a major slob most of the time) is beyond me!  Let me give you an example... she won't let us walk around in bare feet on her hardwood floor because it leaves footprints.  The woman must have Xray heat vision or something, because nobody else can see those foot prints.  I really hope that she gets to enjoy the fun of a grandchild at some point so that she can go completely crazy, because I guarantee that any child who comes from me will refuse to wear socks. lol.

Anyway, my in-laws are very generous.  I have probably mentioned before, but they have too much money... the type of wealth that has them looking for new things to do around the house because the money is burning a hole in their pockets. Recently their dishwasher quit on them, so they bought a new one - a nice stainless steel one.  So, naturally, that meant that they needed to replace the rest of their appliances so that they are all new and stainless.  They offered us their 4 year old flat-top stove.  Naturally we jumped at it.  Then they decided that they would get a new washer and dryer to match the rest of the appliances.  So they offered us their "old" ones (again these are about 6 years old).  The washer/dryer that we have came with our house and it is identical to the ones that my mother had in our mobile home growing up - they were new in 1983.  So I was quick to say YES to the much newer front loading washer and much better dryer!  We brought them out a couple of weeks ago, but waited to install them until yesterday when the father-in-law could come and help to get it set up properly.  Apparently you need to make sure that those front loaders are completely level or they don't work right.

So the in-laws came out yesterday.

First of all, they say that they are going to be there shortly after lunch.  They call when they were about half an hour away, at 10 am, and ask "oh, did we wake you?".  No!  I've been awake since 6 am... puppy remember??  Then they inform me that they are half an hour away.  Great!  We were about 90 minutes away from finished cleaning up.  So it resulted in a massive quick sweep of the place and pushing stuff under beds, etc.  I had no intention of cleaning the bedroom, but my husband decided that he needed his dad to also install the ceiling fan that we had purchased - last summer!  So that needed cleaning too.

Now, I'm not the worst house-keeper in the world, but I'm not a neat freak.  I don't care if there are dishes in the kitchen - hell I don't care if there is a plate left on the coffee table overnight either.  I don't care if laundry piles up.  I don't care if the floor isn't swept every night, or the carpet vaccuumed every day.  My house is livable, it doesn't look like a museum and I'm ok with that.  I figure there are more important things than cleaning.  We don't live in squalor or filth - just a bit of clutter (no, not hoarders type clutter lol).  My house is very much like my mother's.  Not a surprise.

So here's the vent.  My mother-in-law walked into my house and wasn't there for even three minutes when she grabbed the dishcloth and started to wipe down counters and the sides of my portable dishwasher.  Seriously!  The dishwasher.  For the record, I actually scrubbed it down with a scrubbing pad and soap earlier - there wasn't a spot on it.  She scrubbed the countertops and said "just in case you need to cook there".  For the record, I had just washed the counters with soap about five minutes earlier.  She grabbed my broom and swept the floor... I had just washed it about 20 minutes before they showed up.  When they moved out the washer and dryer, I swept and scrubbed underneath, and then she went back 3 minutes later and swept it again - with the dirty broom on the wet floor.  So then it needed to be washed again.

It makes me mental.  I work like a dog to get the house into a respectable condition so that I don't feel like a giant failure as a wife/daughter-in-law and then all of this happens and I feel like complete shit about myself.  Nothing I do as far as my house is good enough.  She constantly makes "suggestions" as to what we should do with the house and what we need to fix or improve.  Nothing is ever good enough.

Sorry for the vent, I'm just so frustrated!

RE visit

Well the RE appointment wasn't too bad, but it's not everything that I hoped for either.  Here's the basics...

• Apparently I've shrunk or something - I think the nurse was just too short to properly measure me, because I am definitely not less than 6 feet.  I haven't been below 6 feet since highschool, I've definitely not shrunk 2 inches in the last 6 months.  

• We waited a long time, but at least there were comfy couches and the room was private - nobody else in there which is good because it's also the maternity waiting room.... that's awkward!

• We met with the resident who did a history - she led me to believe that we weren't looking at a favourable response from the RE - and then left us in the meeting room while she consulted with the RE.

• The RE came in and talked with us for a while.  She was naturally concerned about the hyperplasia and suggested again that a hysterectomy is the typical treatment.  I made it clear that we've heard that before and I'm not interested until we have a child.  She agreed and said that there are more conservative treatments and I'm on one of them, so that's the best move right now.  She said that as soon as we get a clear biopsy, we should do IVF right away.

• The discussion of IVF led to a discussion about weight.  I shouldn't be surprised - I expected it.  Nearly every time I see a new doctor, the discussion goes to weight.  First of all, let me say that I"m more than aware that I'm fat - I've been fat since I was a kid.  This is not a surprise - often I want to get a shocked look on my face and say "what???  I'm fat???? when did that happen???", but given that I want this doctor to help me, I figured I should just shut the fuck up!  

• The RE said that to do IVF, she would prefer the BMI to be below 35, but in the very least below 40.  She said 40 is only if there are no other health issues (blood pressure, blood sugar, etc) and that if she can visualise the ovaries well.  She went on to explain that when you are overweight, the ovaries don't stimulate properly (well no, actually mine grew a nice egg on just 50 mg of Clomid), the lining doesn't cooperate (well mine would probably be uncooperative without extra weight too - it just hates me), the body doesn't stand up well to pregnancy (well, I've known a lot of women who are overweight who have had perfectly healthy pregnancies).  Anyway, she said that BMI below 40 is a must and she wants it below 35.

• I've lost 33 lbs and brought my BMI down nearly 5 pts since the beginning of May, so that's good... but I just walked away feeling like it just wasn't enough.  How about credit for what I've already done... doesn't that mean anything?  She said that I should keep doing what I"m doing, and keep working on losing while I'm on the cancer treatments.  To bring my BMI to the level she wants, I need to lose another 80 lbs!!  That's a lot.

• She did a trans-vag ultrasound and Mr. Wand-erful saw my left ovary no problems.  It was perfectly healthy and had about 10 follicles on it.  She said that was great given that I"m on meds that should be suppressing the ovaries.  So they are in good shape if my hormones would cooperate.  She also said that she could easily see it to do retrieval so that was good.  She could not find the right ovary though.  She wanted to know if anyone had ever seen it.  I said that I'd never had a scan where they couldnt' find it.  She said sometimes it's a fluke and it hides a bit, so she wasn't too worried.  She said that if the left one was developing follicles, then the right probably was too and that she thought my numbers were good.

• The good news is that she measured my lining and it's down to 15 mm.  I know that sounds bad and she said "oh, it's still quite thick"... but in November it measured 28 mm and in March, the ob/gyn estimated it to be around 35 mm, so 15 is great!  Hopefully it shrinks more by August.

So the end result was that we are looking at an appointment in September after the August biopsy results.  Hopefully the biopsy is clear and we can start some major planning at that time.  She couldnt' do any blood tests because I"m on these high dose progresterones and on CD 110.  I asked about doing Clomid and IUI for a couple of cycles first and she said if we wanted to we probably could rather than jumping right into IVF.  She even said that it's possible that if we could get the lining to cooperate, stimulating ovulation might be all we need.  Plus the cost of IUI is much much cheaper.

So, that's where we're at.  I felt like shit all day yesterday because I was feeling pissed about not losing enough weight, etc.

At least we're in to her now and the fall appointment should be easy to book - so that's a good thing.

Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my first appointment with an RE.  It takes a lot to get into one of them in this province.  There are only about three in the province and in order to get in to one you have to be referred by another specialist.  In this province, an Ob/gyn is considered a specialist. Most people just go to their GPs for pregnancy and woman related issues.  For me, it was a double referral.  The ob/gyn  and the oncologist both referred me to the clinic saying that this recurrence of the hyperplasia was not normal and that I should be ovulating given all of my blood tests.  I should have waited until September/October to get in as there is a long waiting list, but thankfully there was a cancellation and I got it.  I'm choosing to believe that someone cancelled because they had a successful pregnancy, not for other, less happy, reasons.

So, tomorrow we're off to the RE.  Hubby is a bit nervous about giving his "sample".  It has to be better than when he had to give one for the ob/gyn's records and he was given a cup in the hospital and told to fill it.  Where you might ask?  Find a bathroom he was told.  So that was fun for him - people walking by, standing outside waiting, etc.  Hopefully this is a bit more discrete given that it's an actual fertility clinic... hopefully.  Although I'm not holding out hope.

So I'm worried that the RE will discover something new and inhibiting to the conception.  Like there isn't enough already!  I am worried about what they are going to say about my weight.  All I have to come back with is that I know I have to lose weight and that the grand total since May 10th is 33 lbs.  That's a good start - they have to be happy with that ... right?  I know it's not enough, but it's a start.  Another 40 lbs will put me within their BMI suggestions (I was told it was only a suggestion and they are willing to work with women over the BMI as long as everything else is healthy - and lord knows every other test I have shows I'm healthy).

I don't know what to expect at all from this appointment - I don't know what to expect from them regarding tests, etc.  My biggest fear at this point is that they do an ultrasound and my lining is still really messed up.  I've been on the drugs for six weeks and I'm hoping that it's starting to improve - although I"m not sure how it can when I haven't bled at all - not even a spot - so I would guess that the lining is still there.

No, wait, my biggest fear is that they will want to repeat the HSG since it was about a year ago.  I can't handle another one of those.  Worst. Pain. Ever.  Seriously!  I've never experienced pain so bad that I wanted to just die and I"ve broken an ankle and had a boil growing on my eardrum (yes, you read that right... good times, good times)... not to mention the 10 bouts of pneumonia that I've dealt with.  Nothing compares to the HSG.  I'm terrified they will want to repeat it.  This time I know what to expect and I'm not doing it without some serious drugs... It's not fair that women in the states are offered drugs for simple biopsies and we are told to take ibuprofen (I'm allergic by the way and aceteminophen does nothing for that area).

Who know what will happen.  Hubby has his appointment at 10:30 and mine is at 2:00.

My hope is that we can come up with a plan that will work for us and we can plan out what our TTC future looks like.  I know with the hyperplasia it's tough to come up with a plan.  I just need something to focus on. I'm one of the lucky ones who ovulated on 50 mg of Clomid with a 5000 trigger, so at least I don't have to stair step or take a stupid amount of drugs - or injectibles... at least not yet.  The one month that I was on Clomid I had a beautiful follicle on CD 11, triggered on 12, and ovulated on 13.  Perfect timing, but nothing caught.  The ob/gyn thought that it was likely because my lining was messed up - she compared it to the ceiling of a  cave - said that nothing could grab on there because it was too uneven.  *sigh*

I just need something to go right.  I hope the RE has good news for us... at least something to keep us hopeful, because right now, nothing much seems hopeful. :(

Holy Freaking Week!!

So, it's June which means that school is winding down.  I purposely took Friday off of work - booked an EDO and everything - to work on report cards.  Sidenote... well more like a side rant...  Yes, I am a teacher and I have to take an earned day off in order to complete my report cards.  We don't work 9-3!  I don't have time to catch my breath during the day, nevermind doing marking and planning.  I work long hours to create great lessons and keep the kids interested and when report cards come around, I'm behind.  Every round of report cards I find it necessary to take a day off in order to get them complete.  But hey, keep telling yourself that your kids teacher has easy hours, long holidays (btw, I'll be back in the classroom at the beginning of August planning for a new year, so no, I don't have the whole summer off), and an easy job.


Sorry, after last year's contract crap that happened, I still feel attacked thanks to the government ads trashing us (using OUR tax money to do it too).  


Moving on.  


So I took Friday off to finish my report cards.  However, on Thursday, all my grade 7s were gone on a camping trip and I had them for three classes, so that meant three prep periods for me.  Guess what??  I got the report cards done.. which meant long weekend for me!  At the end of June!!  I spent my morning playing video games with the puppy sleeping on my feet, and my afternoon doing the same.  I needed the day off after the week I'd had.


On Tuesday I started getting sick and by Wednesday I had the head cold to kill all other head colds!  And then the worst happened!  Hubby got a phone call from HR about some backpay that they owed him... not a bad thing.  But he asked them about the position that he currently holds.  A bit of backstory on this.  He's been covering a medical leave for two years.  They repost the position every four months and each time he's gotten the job, no problem.  This time they repost it, and he applied as usual.  When he asked the guy if they had a decision on it, he was told they gave the position to someone else!  They didn't even interview him for the position that he's had for two years.  He has had flawless reviews in that time and the principal even tried to get HR to offer him the position as a permanent, and they didn't even bother interviewing him for it!  I'm so fucking mad!  He's furious!!  And we're screwed!

I don't know how we're going to pay bills come September.  He's got a hatred against the division, so I'm not even sure that he will be willing to sub in the division.  He wants to sub in the cities, but they are both a fairly long drive away - meaning that we'll lose $50 of his pay on gas each day he subs - but he doesn't care. He's letting his ego get in the way of it all.  I can understand being mad!  I really can.  It pisses me off that I will now have to drive to work all that way alone every day and spend all that gas money for me to drive as well.  It pisses me off that with everything else going on with us, now we have to deal with that too!


He did apply for a couple of other jobs yesterday and hopefully one of them pans out - but it will mean that he'll have to find a place to stay for the weekdays because it's too far to drive everyday - that's going to suck... a LOT!!  We did that while I interned and it wasn't good, but it's four years later and maybe we'll be better at it!  I don't know.  At least it would be a job.


What pisses me off the most is that I love MY job.  And I'm good at it.  And if he doesn't get something close by, then I will have to move eventually because we can't keep going with it with us living apart.  This all just sucks.


To top it off, my grandmother gave us a hefty cheque a couple of weeks ago and we were going to use it for adoption, but now we might have to use it to live.... and we can't go ahead with adoption while he's unemployed... we'd never get approved!  On top if it, I have an RE appointment on Tuesday and anything that they tell us will surely mean more money which we won't have either.


So to cap it off...

• I'm sicker than a dog.
• Hubby has no job
• can't do adoption when he's unemployed
• can't do fertility treatments when he's unemployed
• still dealing with cancerous bullshit.

Yeah, it's a great time to be me.  FML!

Father's Day... again

Well here we are... another Father's Day.  This is the fourth one since we started trying.  Granted the first one we were in our second month of trying and figured (like most couples) that by the next one we'd have a baby.  The second one, we'd been trying over a year and I was pretty upset and worried.  Hubby was still ok - figuring (in his rose-coloured glasses way) that it was going to happen soon.  Last year was horrible for me.  I cried a good part of the day. I  felt horrible about the fact that I was the reason that my husband wasn't a father yet... that if he had married someone else, he'd be a father, possibly twice by now.  He was a bit upset, but still not doing to bad.

This year is different.  I still have that guilt, but it's not so horribly debilitating.  I asked hubby how he's doing and he said that he's fine.  How is that possible.  On Mother's Day I wanted to curl up and die!  I asked him how he does it.  He said that if we were still stuck in limbo he'd probably be upset, but we're not.  He sees us moving forward with a plan that will get us a child.

His theory is this....  We've started the international adoption process.  The process to adopt from United States is quite short, so there is a good possibility that by this time next year we are just waiting for the baby to be born, or have already brought our baby home.  Our friends were told it was (due to a short waiting list right now) probably less than six months for a match.  The other thing that hubby said was that he's still really optimistic about the appointment with the RE next week.  He said that he figures that if we make it clear that I don't want to keep my uterus, I just want one child from it, that the RE might be willing to push ahead with fertility treatments as soon as I have a clear biopsy... which hopefully will be in August.

I love that he's able to be optimistic.  I want to be optimistic, but I'm pretty guarded about the whole thing.  I worry about letting my hopes be crushed again.  I'm trying to realistic, but I don't want to push hope away completely.  It's a fine balance.

As usual, I logged onto FB this morning and felt horrible... all these Father's Day messages.... and my email had a message from my sister-in-law about what they did for my brother - yes the same brother who is a complete asshole.  We stopped at my parents' place today and my mother had to tell me all about the morning my brother had.  Way to rub salt in the wounds.  I know that Father's Day will never be for me, but I still feel horrible about depriving my husband of the day, and of being a father in general.

The last straw was the picture that my cousin's kid posted on FB... his girlfriend had their baby this morning. So, yes, the generation below me has started having kids.  He's not the first in the generation to have a kid, but he is the first to have one since we've been trying.  It made me angry - they weren't even trying... the baby was an "accident".  Meanwhile, we keep trudging along trying to make one ourselves and without any luck.

I really hope that next year I don't have to write a similar post - last year I know that I said the same thing, and I'm no further along this year.... where did the year go. :(

Introducing....

Our new fur baby.... Loki

We picked him up from the humane society in a city about three hours away - it was quite the trip.  We went and picked him up yesterday.  After all the lack of communication with the other rescue organization, and the fact that the fee was so huge, we decided to look around for other options.  We went on petfinder and this little guy jumped out at us. He was abandoned at the gates of the humane society on May 26th.  He was incredibly malnourished, very skinny, and most of his hair was falling out.  They tried to nurse him back to health, and he's coming along nicely.  You can't see it in the picture, but his coat is really thin.  Some of it is still falling out, and some of it is bald - there isn't anything for an undercoat there right now.    He's been to the vet a few times and there is nothing wrong with his skin - no bacteria, virus, infection, etc.  Just the malnutrition.  The vet suggested getting the best food that we could afford.  I went to a pet speciality store and asked their opinion.  These guys really know their stuff.  They suggested the Blue Buff.alo Fish blend. Because it is full of all sorts of fish oils and omega-3s it is supposed to be really good for his coat and skin.  He likes it so far.

I might be biased, but he's pretty smart too.  We picked him up yesterday at 2 and he could walk on a leash, but didn't know any commands.  By this morning, he was consistently sitting on command.  By this evening, he nearly had the lay down command figured out.  He gets it sometimes. When someone walks into the room, he raises a paw and does a waving motion - it's very cute.

He's only had one accident - in my grandmother's apartment... we had only had him about an hour and didn't know his cues, so he left a pile on her floor.  She wasn't upset... said "that's what puppies do".

Our cats have differing opinions on him.  You can see the younger cat in the back of the picture laying in Loki's crate.  He wants to play, but isn't sure about it yet.  He's been spending his time laying next to wherever the puppy is... just not sure about the playing yet.  The older cat however has hidden and isn't coming out any time soon apparently.  She went into the basement and hasn't been seen since.  She'll get over it.  She did the same thing when we brought the younger cat home.

Anyway, we're having fun with him.  We've been wanting a puppy for a long time, and finally decided to just do it.  It was a quick decision, but I think that it was a good one!  Besides, he's super cute!!!

The Dreams

I've been having dreams... dreams about my future baby.

The dreams started shortly before we made the decision to adopt from Florida.  They are really vivid too.

In the dreams I see my baby... I see the baby's face.  I see his hands... yes, did I mention that it is very clear to me that the baby is boy, although I have seen nothing in my dreams to indicate that, it's just something that I know in my dreams.

The baby is also African American.  This, of course, does not bother me.  It worries me a bit because where we live has an disproportional number of bigots.  Am I ready for the challenge... absolutely.  Race has never been an issue for me.  I've never seen it as a barrier for anything and it has never made me uncomfortable.

I remember one New Year's Eve when I was about 22.  My best friend's mother used to invite her children's friends over for a huge feast.  My best friend was East Indian and her mother made the BEST food ever!!  Most of her brother's friends were from places like China, Africa, and India... all students studying in our province, but not able to go home for the holidays.  So my friend's mother would make the feast and invite everyone over to have a holiday time together.  It was awesome and it was nice to see everyone enjoying themselves... and did I mention that the food was awesome?

Anyway, this particular night, we sat for about three hours after supper just joking and having a good time.  Then, I looked around and it hit me... I realised that I was the only white person in the house!  I had not even realised it because I was simply enjoying the company so much.  Did I feel uncomfortable at that point... no.  It was a strange feeling of "wow, this is so bizarre".  As a white person in North America, that is not something that happens to us.  We are raised to know that anywhere we look we're going to see someone who looks "like us".  The comfort is inherent.  At that particular moment I had a very brief glimpse into what life would be like for someone of a different skin colour.  I don't claim to know how it feels to be a minority - I can never know that.  I have been raised with the white privilege that all white people have... it's not something that makes us bad, and we can't control it, but we need to be aware of it.

So what does this all mean for my future son.  It means, I think, that at least I have an awareness.  My child is not going to be able to look around and see someone who looks like him.  He is not going to be able to look around his own home and see someone who looks like him.  He is not going to have strong black men in his personal life as role models.  I have read where certain people claim that if you are adopting a black child, you should make friends with black couples.  That seems disingenuous to me.  Would I be friends with a black couple, of course.  But something about walking up and saying "hey, I'm adopting a black child, be my friend?  just seems wrong.

What I do know is this...  My son will be loved more than he could ever be loved by anyone else.  He will be raised to be a good person, a strong man, and man who loves animals and knows how to treat women properly.  He will be raised to understand and respect the views of all people in all races.  He will be raised to understand (unfortunately) that racism exists and that it is small-minded, unintelligent people who think that way... that he can't change how they think, but can only be the best person he can be and show them that they are wrong.  He is going to be raised to be proud of his race and not be ashamed that he looks different from his friends and family.  He is going to be raised to recognize his talents and abilities and develop those.  He is going to be raised to understand that people (including him) make mistakes and that it is ok to try and fail, as long as you put in your best effort.  He is going to know that he can be anything he wants to be, and that no matter what he does, his father and I will love him unconditionally.

So, no, I can't offer my future son a strong black male role model, but I'm confident that I can offer him a great start and the male role models that he will have (my husband, father, and father-in-law) will teach him what it means to be a man... regardless of race.

Oh and did I mention, in my dreams he is the most adorable baby you've ever seen?  But that goes without saying... right?

Puppy Update

So, still haven't heard from the rescue organization.  Two days ago I sent an email playing stupid, claiming that I wanted to know if they got it.  I thought that was the perfect way to get them to tell us whether we were approved or not.  The response I got was "We got it, thanks".  That's it.  I haven't heard anything since.  I started to look closer at their website and realised that the cost of the puppy ($200) does not include spay/neuter and that that comes out of your own pocket.  I emailed our vet and asked how much it would cost and they got back to me with a total of $275.  So, let's do the addition... that's about $475... for a mutt.  I'm sorry but I could nearly buy a purebreed for that... what is the incentive for getting a rescue dog?  Apparently from these guys... nothing!

So based on their lack of communication, the fact that the puppies are available in a week and nobody has contacted me, and their outrageous pricing... we started to look around.

We found a 3 month old black lab from a shelter in one city, and a brown 9 week old husky at another.  We really like the husky and are leaning toward it.  I have a feeling that we're going to end up with a second dog at some point... and maybe then we'll find a lab X which we both kinda want... but 3 months seems a bit old, we really want a really young pup, and we both think the husky is adorable.

So, I emailed the shelter about the husky - hopefully they will respond quickly, it is a reputable shelter, so I'm sure they will.  By the time I got home, I was too late to call them... but if I haven't heard by tomorrow at lunch I'm going to call.

We are willing to drive the three hours to pick him up this weekend if he's ready to go... so who knows, maybe we'll have a pup by Saturday afternoon!

Waiting Sucks

So I told hubby yesterday that I don't know how I'm going to survive the adoption process for a child.  We put in our adoption form for a puppy on Saturday and sent in photos of our house on Sunday.  As of last night I'd heard nothing back.  From a group who wants to get rid of their puppies fast, they don't move very fast.  I know it's only been a couple of days, but I've dealt with rescue organizations before and it's been a pretty quick approval.  We decided on the little yellow lab cross that I showed you in my last post.   She's going to be 8 weeks old on the 15th, so we want to pick her up on the 16th.  We're both really excited and have been cleaning, organizing, and planning for her to show up.

Last night I sent an email to the organization asking if they got my emails - I played stupid... acting like I couldn't tell if the emails went through because they were so big.  I got a quick email back last night saying "yes, we got it".  That's it.  No comment on what the status was, no idea given as to whether we're getting the dog.  I don't know how long to wait.  It just makes me worry that we're not going to get her.

Seriously, how am I going to survive a child adoption!  eek.

A New Way of Thinking?

So I saw the therapist the other night.  Part of me liked her and part of me was thinking "what the hell are you on?"  She was acting for part of it like I should just give up my life to a higher power and should just be positive about it all.  Yeah, right, I'm not naturally positive, so that's not going to happen.  I eventually said that my husband is the eternal optimist, but I"m not.  She was quick to say that she didn't want me to think that she meant that I had to be PollyAnna, just that if I was going to get through this, to be willing to challenge the thoughts and patterns in my head.  She said it was fine to cry and scream and get mad, but if I put all my energy into being mad and sad, etc, then I'm not putting any energy into fixing the problem.  I need to focus the majority of energy into "finding my baby".  She said that my baby is out there somewhere and I have to actively look for it.

I went home to tell my husband about this and he, of course, took to it right away.  The next time we were out and there were babies everywhere I mentioned it to him.  His response... "well, they just found their babies earlier than we did, we'll find ours".  I'm still struggling with the idea and the whole process is going to be hard to transform my brain and thinking in that way.  She says that anger, fear, and sorrow are primitive brain functions and we need to override them with higher brain functions... so thought and challenge.

I'm trying, I really am.

We made a final decision on the adoption.  We are putting in the domestic application - which I remind you could take up to 13 years for a newborn.  We're going to put it in and see how it plays out.  Next week I'm contacting the Ministry of Social Services to get started on international adoption.  We have to first get approved by the ministry, and then can start up with an agency in another country.  It shouldn't take long to get approved here - the homestudy process will take about 3 months when you're paying for it, then you do up your dossier and then go live with the agency.  We're looking at adoption from Florida.  We have a friend who just adopted from there, and another friend who has just had his profile go live... both using the same agency, so that's the one we decided to go through.  The great thing about a Florida adoption is that it is still international but it's doable in terms of travel, accomodations, etc.  The cost is still 25,000-40,000, but you get to leave the hospital with your newborn baby and only have to stay in the state for a week after you take guardianship.   All of those seemed like big pros to us.  The other big thing was that after your profile goes live (about 4-6 months from the start of the process), it is from 6-18 months until you're matched.  They said it's really rare for people to stay on the list for more than 18 months... particularly white, married couples, with good income and their own homes.  The agency said that the majority of their mothers average in age around 25 years old and most want a home in a spacious area (hello, rural Saskatchewan) and a couple who can provide for the child... and anyone with a combined income over $30,000 is considered wealthy by their standards... we well surpass that.

So that gives me hope.  The idea that within two years we could have our baby in our arms... it seems unreal, but I really hope it's true.

In the meantime....

We're going to add another fur-baby to our brood.  This time, it's a dog!

We went today to look at some puppies, but we would have had to take them today and we're not set up for a dog right now... we were hoping to wait until closer to the end of the month.  There is another litter of pups available on the 15th of June, so we're looking at those ones.

Here are the pics of the dogs that we're considering... what do you think?? All three are from the same litter and all three are female...

The great wheat debate

I posted before that my naturopath told me to give up wheat, sugar, and cola. I've done pretty good. I've avoided wheat, avoided sugar, and only had two cans of diet Coke in the past 3 weeks. That's pretty good considering that I used to drink 4 cans per day.

So initially I lost 9 lbs in the first week doing this and them went up and down for a week which really pissed me off. This week my body is seeming to get it again and the losses are starting again.

In the last 3 weeks I've lost a total
of 16 lbs. I really want to lose another 10 by the end of June. Not that 25 lbs is nearly enough, but when I see the rE and they start in about my weight and bmi at least I can tell them that I've lost that weight so far. It's frustrating because I'm on a really high dose of Provera which basically causes weight gain - it seems so counter-productive. The doctor tells you to lose weight and then gives you drugs that cause weight gain.

But for now, I'll take the 16!

Dark Clouds Descend

I'm depressed.  It's official.  I'm depressed. I can't seem to find anything that makes me happy lately.  I'm stressed about everything.  I'm stressed about money, babies, work, house, yard, health, etc.  There doesn't seem to be anything that doesn't stress me out.  I had a massive anxiety attack last night about money.

Money has never been my friend.  I never seem to have enough of it.  When I start to worry about money, only one thing makes me feel better... shopping.  See the problem there!?   Yeah, endless cycle.  My bankruptcy clears in July and I'm happy about that, but now I've started to stress over student loans, because anyone who's ever had Canada student loans knows what asses they are to deal with.  I have an old credit card debt that refused to join the bankruptcy because my mother co-signed (so they went after her for the money).  I'm concerned about this because they have never sent out a statement with similar amounts twice...every statement is higher or lower by 300-500 dollars.  I can't get a straight answer out of them.  My husband is on a temporary contract and we don't know if he will be employed next year, and that's stressing me out because we need the money.  Not having him employed over the summer is going to be tough enough - we had too many bills this year and didn't manage to save nearly enough to get us through the summer properly, so we'll be skimping.

My husband is from a family where money has never been a big deal  - they have lots so they don't stress over it.  My history is not so nice.  I remember overhearing conversations between my parents about bankers, losing the house and business, them having to empty my education account in order to cover inventory costs, etc.  Since I was about 11, I have had anxiety over money and what it leads to.  It bothers me a lot that between the two of us we clear over $75,000 a year and we still live paycheque to paycheque.

I keep running into people who have kids who don't seem to be caring for them.  Yesterday in a store, I saw this woman with a little girl.  This child was about 8 and I would say weighed about 3 times as much as she should have.  Now, I know that some children can't help it and I wasn't judging... until I saw the cart and heard the kid.  The cart was filled with nothing but sugary crap full of chemicals and crap.  In fact, as I walked by, my cart full of veggies, fruit, fish, and lean meat, the woman looked in and rolled her eyes.  Yes, lady, that's what we eat.  As I was walking away, the girl grabbed a bag of cookies out of the cart, threw it to the floor and screamed "not that kind bitch!  I don't like that kind!!".  The woman did nothing about it.  As they walked away (cookie bag still on the floor), the girl kept swearing all the way down the aisle.  It made me more bitter about not being able to have children.

I'm so bitter and angry about everything.  I don't know how to fix it... I just know that I'm there.  I haven't been sleeping lately and that's making me grumpy too.  I have 20 days of work left (15 if you count all the damned appointments that I have) so I can make it through to the summer vacation... but I'm emotionally exhausted.  I want to curl up in a ball and never get up.  Just throw a blanket over my head and close out everything.

To top it all off, my brother is still being an ass and refusing to talk to me.  He talked to my husband and said that he just feels like he has to be on "pins and needles" around me all the time.  I can only assume (and I"m pretty sure I"m right about this) that it is because of the IF.  That really bothers me... I was super supportive girl through all four of their miscarriages.  I have helped them with everything that they need, including taking 10 days off of subbing in my first year of teaching (when we really needed the money to pay for our wedding) to be there to help with their newborn daughter.  But this means nothing.  Apparently, he is uncomfortable - MY condition makes HIM uncomfortable.  He's an ass!  As I told my mother - it's pathetic when I get more support from friends and strangers than my own family!  But it's bugging me that he's still not talking to me.  I have no contact with my SIL or their kids and that bothers me.  I cried for an hour yesterday because I miss them.  Those kids are what keep me going and he's done the one thing that would hurt me most... take them away from me.

I have an appointment tomorrow night with a therapist... hopefully she can help.  I saw her speak at an event last week and others have recommended her as well... so I am thinking she should be able to help.  She went through her own battle with IF, so at least she understands.

I just want the dark clouds to go away... I miss the sunshine!

Going to Cry Now

Well the appointment with the oncologist did not go well today.  I'm so sick of this bullshit.  I'm sorry, but I am.  I'm tired of being pushed around and left hanging by the medical community.

Basically, she said that the standard treatment for hyperplasia is very high doses of progesterone taken continuously for at least 6 months.  During that time, she wants to do biopsies at 3 and 6 months.  If the biopsy comes back clear at 3 months, we still do the additional 3 months of progesterone.  If it doesn't, we continue continue the progesterone and test again at 6 months, etc.  Basically, stay on the progesterone until we get a clear biopsy, then continue the progesterone for 3 more months after that.  THEN she wants two more 3 month biopsies without medication to come back clear before she clears us to TTC again.  Which means best-case scenario, we're looking at one year from now.

She did say that if the RE says that is ok doing fertility treatments on me after the initial three or six months, that she (the oncologist) will give her blessing.  She said her job is obviously to fix the cancer problem, and help preserve survival, not fertility, but she understood that I want to preserve that, so is willing to work with me on that.

I asked why this wasn't done last year with the other oncologist.  She said, "well, your hyperplasia was simple then".  I corrected her and told her that it was exactly the same as now.  She was shocked.  I'm wondering if I should lodge a complaint against the other oncologist for lacking to give me standard care in this case.  If he would have done standard care, we would be clear to TTC now.  I'm just so pissed off.

I spent the better part of the day crying in my car -since I was in the city.  I had to run out of Walmart in tears at one point.

To top off my fantastic day, my SIL called and my brother is in a hissy fit over an argument we had when he was drunk and I was sick of his shit.  He doesn't remember what happened other than I called him a name and now he's pissed.  His solution is to not talk to me and not let me see his kids.  They are the one thing that makes me happy and he knows that.  He's uncomfortable with the infertility and is apparently worried about "setting me off" and feels he has to "be on pins and needles" around me.  I foudn this out when my hubby called him tonight to confront him on his bullshit.  I find this to be so incredibly unfair of him.  When they were experiencing all their miscarriages, I was there, keeping them company, talking about it if they needed to.  As recently as February, when they miscarried again... I spent hours on the phone crying and talking with my SIL... but apparently, I don't deserve the same kind of respect.

So that set off another ugly cry.

So, I was suppose to be on 160 mg of Megace per day, but apparently no drug store in the city carries it.  So I went with the second option - 200 mg of Provera per day.  I've been on 10 mg per day on CD 10-24 and it brings on headaches and rage... I can only imagine what 200 mg is going to do.  This will not be pleasant people.  Not. Pleasant. At. All.

All I know is that it is enough already.  I can't take any more.  I can't keep doing this.  I'm at the end of my rope... I don't have any more emotional reserves left.  Knowing that we're going to hit four years of TTC without a baby, well it's just too much to bear. :(

Going to cry now.

Why bother?

I'm not sure there is any point even bothering to Ttc anymore. Everytime I get a sliver of hope it gets torn down by a tidal wave of crap and bad news. I'm pretty much ready to give up. I don't think putting my body or emotions through this is worth it anymore.

I'm going to go cry again now

Colour Me SHocked!!

I just got off the phone with the fertility clinic that I was referred to - where I can finally see an RE.  I was referred on April 12th and I got a letter saying that it would be about 6 months, but that I was on the cancellation list... well, guess what???  SOMEONE CANCELLED!!  I"m choosing to believe that they cancelled because they got pregnant, not for bad news.

I have an appointment on June 26th!!!  Less than 6 weeks away.  Hopefully the oncologist can deal with the other issues by that time and we can get moving on this.  Fingers crossed.

Well, I'm off to see my new oncologist.  I just realised that she is in the same office as the old one, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but who knows.  I'm just hoping that she does something to fix this fast.

Who knows, maybe by July we'll be onto fertility treatments!  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Not-A-Mother's Day Again

Wow.

Three years ago we started TTC - well according to the banner on my blog it is 3 years, 1 week, 1 day.  That's  157 weeks.  That's 1104 days. 26496 hours. ... and the list goes on.  I don't know why I had the need to figure that out, but it just seems so much bigger and so much more representative to write it that way.  How much worse does it sound... oh, I've been TTC for 3 years, or I've been TTC to for 26,000 hours.  I think that the more you break it down, the more it shows the gravity and pain of the situation.

I've been trying to put it all into perspective.  Trying to figure out whether I can do this any longer... whether I can wait out another 3 or 6 years if I need to.  Do I have it in me to say that I've been TTC for nine years?  I don't know.  I honestly don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if I will be able to handle four years TTC.  I don't want to give up.  I want a child.  I just want to be a mother.

I don't want to have to sit at home and hide out on this day.  I want to not feel like a freak when I go on FB on a specific day of the year.  I don't want to feel like I have to avoid stores and the public in general during the month of May.  I want to live my life normally and not feel like I have to hide or explain myself would be nice.

I made the mistake of going on FB today. I should have stayed away.  It was all "I love being a mom" and "happy mother's day" messages.  It made me feel empty and numb.  I almost feel like maybe this is progress.  Last year on Mother's day (after two years TTC) I stayed in bed for most of the afternoon and cried.  I only managed to pull it together long enough to call my mother and grandmother.  This year I actually have no feelings at all.  I'm totally numb.  It doesn't hurt at all. Is that good?  I haven't cried today - maybe that will change, but right now I feel empty. :(

To all those who are still waiting to be mothers, I feel your pain.
To all those who have experienced the thrill of a BFP only to have it taken away, you have my sympathies.
To all those who have held their precious babies to have them taken away, my condolences and heart goes out to you.
To all those who have chosen not to have children, I support your choice.
To all those who have crossed the great divide and have a child whose smile and love you can enjoy today - enjoy it and don't take it for granted, so many of us would give anything to be in your place - have a wonderful day.

Scale results

Well, weighed myself this morning... Down 5 lbs since Wednesday morning. Let's hope it continues!

Not that bad

In response to a couple of questions I got last post... the book I was referring to is "Wheat Belly" by Dr. William Davis.  I'm not that far into it, but so far it all makes sense, and from how the naturopath explained it all from the book, it really does sound like me.  Sorry I didn't put the name in last time - I meant to :)

Well, I have completed 3 days of no cola, no wheat, and no sugar. So far so good. I don't feel like I'm restricted...but I've been busy.  This weekend will be a different story.  It's when I'm at home on the weekend that I'm into the Diet Coke, the starches, the chips, and the sweets.  It's going to be a tough day today I fear.

Originally the naturopath (Dr. G) said that I could start by just cutting back. She said that if I went from 3 cans of pop a day to 1 that was still a huge reduction.  But I know me.  One will lead to two will lead to three... so it's cold turkey or nothing.

Yesterday was interesting.  Someone (I found out later it was my "enemy" at work) brought in a bunch of snacks... chips, pretzels, chocolate, jelly beans... nothing healthy about it, and nothing that I could eat at all.  I avoided them and ate my bag of cashews and pecans instead.  A few people commented on my willpower not eating the snacks.  I told them that they had no idea...

I told a couple of coworkers that I was on a wheat and sugar restriction. One of them told me that she has cut out bread and most carbs in the past month and has noticed a difference in certain symptoms.  She is doing it for weight loss leading up to her brother's wedding, but still... it is nice to know that someone else is in on this.  Of course we all went for Chinese food for lunch, and she ordered the meal with chicken balls and breaded shrimp, so she's not THAT into it. LOL.  I discovered that the local place has an amazing beef and broccoli dish that I could every day!!!  Their fried rice is amazing too.  Funny what you discover when you have to eliminate stuff from your diet.

I'm going to weigh myself this morning and see if I've dropped anything... here's hoping.  I know it's only three days and it's possible I haven't, but a drop in that number would help to spur me on.

On a side note, my father came over while I was at work on Thursday and plowed my garden space, so that's a bonus... now I have to go out and rake it up, then figure out what to plant.  I'm not a gardener, so I don't know how this going to turn out.

Holy Update Batman

So, what’s new?  Well, where do I start…

We went out to Calgary for my uncle’s funeral.  It was nice to see family again – I just wish it was under better circumstances.  There were only a couple of questions about us having kids, and the response of “eventually” was enough to hold them off.  Well, all except one…

Once upon a time there was this asshole.  He is my uncle.  I was raised to hate him.  I know it’s not right, but he cheated my father out of tens of thousands of dollars long before I was born – didn’t pay him for work, stole land, stole cattle, etc – so my father refused to speak to him for the entirety of my childhood.  Since I’ve been an adult, I’ve run into him at family functions.  This guy is such a jerk that at my brother’s wedding, he actually went up to one of the bridesmaids who had a tattoo on her chest and poked it saying “what’s this”.  Creep!  Anyway, he has no filter and thinks that everyone should bow to him.  Do you hate him enough now?  Well, he turned, point-blank, to my 54-year-old cousin who is unmarried and doesn’t have kids, and said “so, why aren’t you married… why didn’t you ever get married”.  Her response was perfect … “honestly, I never saw it as a priority for me.  It wasn’t something that I needed in my life”.  She looked at me and I smiled in a reassuring way.  Instead of responding to her, he looked at me and said “so, is THAT the reason YOU don’t have kids”.  I responded with “no, actually the reason is none of your fucking business”.  At that point, my father – who was sitting a couple of chairs from me – changed the subject to politics… a much less hostile subject.  Short of that, it was good.  Even being around my pregnant cousin wasn’t horrible.  I wouldn’t be able to be around her all the time, but it wasn’t horrible.  And it was a bonus that I had my niece and nephew hanging off of me, so that occupied me, and I do them dearly!

At one point, my niece said that she wanted to go into the house with me (keep in mind that she’s three).  So we went.  She plopped on a chair and said “sit down auntie.  I wanna talk”.  So I sat down.  She looks at me all serious and said “we were in the car long to get here”.  I told her that I knew that and asked if she saw any dinosaurs on the trip (they drove through Drumheller on the way – if you don’t know what this has to do with dinosaurs, look it up… seriously).  She just looked at me and said…

“no, no dinosaurs.  I saw fishies.  In the car.  On the tv.  There were fishies.  I like fishies.  I like kitties more.  Mommy likes kitties.  Brother likes kitties. Daddy doesn’t like kitties.  Daddy likes puppies.  I don’t like puppies.  Brother doesn’t like puppies.  But I like kitties.  I like your kitty.  Does your kitty like me?  I like your kitty.  I miss your kitty.  I gonna come and play with your kitty in summer.  Ok?  I like kitties.  Your kitty played with me.  And I like kitties”. 

This was all followed up by a giant sigh.  Then she kicked her legs a few times and said “ok, time to go back outside”.  It was very adorable.  That child is so cute that my uterus aches every time I see her.

It was a very long weekend and on the way home we stopped to see another one of my uncles who is not in good health.  He was the one who my dad was the closest to growing up.  They farmed together as young men, and took care of their mother together when their father died.  He is the uncle that I was the closest too.  It bothered me when my uncle in Calgary died but when this other uncle dies I’m going to be devastated – he was a second father to me.  Anyway, his health is failing and he recently had to go into a nursing home.  He was upset that he couldn’t go to the funeral, but we gave him a good run down of what happened and he and my dad talked for nearly two hours and he was feeling better about the whole situation.  By the time I got home it was 11 pm on Saturday night… we had left home at 7 am on Thursday morning.  Very long weekend!

I went to an infertility support group on Tuesday night.  It was really good.  I was terrified to go, but I had a good friend to come along, and I found it really helpful.  Just knowing that others can really get what you are saying… and being able to say it to their faces.  It was reassuring and validating.  I felt like my story is the craziest one there by far – but then who doesn’t feel that way sometimes.  It was just nice to know that these people got me… completely.

On Wednesday I went to the naturopath.  Oh boy – this might really kill me.  Besides being completely shocked by my story, she felt that I was in insulin resistance from wheat overload.  She recommended a book to me and told me that her plan for me was to eliminate cola (I’m a bit of an addict), wheat (this could be tough) and sugar (just kill me now).  She said that the cola is just bad for so many reasons.  I don’t want to quit, but I already knew I would when I was pregnant, so why not now.  The wheat is tough – I love my carbs.  The book she recommended is quite good and has a lot of alternatives.  There is no limit to nuts, cheese, good fats in general, in fact it says you should eat lots of nuts to help balance out the system.  I actually found an interesting wheat free bread recipe online – I’m going to try in a couple of weeks and see if it will work.  If I can find a way to still have bread/buns, I will be fine.  I found brown rice pasta which isn’t too bad actually, so I’m good with that.  So it’s just the bread.  The sugar might kill me though.  I’m not to add sugar to anything, and buy products with the least sugar possible.  I actually managed today – I used plain yogurt, threw in some fresh strawberries, a teaspoon of vanilla, and a packet of stevia (which she said was fine for sweetening).  I added hemp hearts before I ate it and it was actually really good.  The book has opened my eyes to a lot of stuff so far (and I’m only two chapters in).  I’ll have to give it a full review when I’m finished.

She also gave me a calcium/magnesium powder to take before bed.  She said it will help with sleeping and help to curb the cravings for chocolate (yeah right… has she met me?).  She said chocolate cravings were a sign of magnesium deficiency.  She warned me that it’s fizzy and really sour so just to pound it back.  I was worried, but the fizz is good – I miss that with the cola gone… and I love love sour.  It tastes like a fresh lemon with fizz… and I usually just peel and eat lemons.  So, that I can handle.

Lastly, but definitely not leastly (yeah yeah I know)… I got an appointment with an oncologist.  Apparently my ob/gyn called the woman who is covering for my oncologist and told her the story.  She said she’d fit me in next week.  So I have an appointment for Tuesday afternoon.  I also had a very nice message on my answering machine from the new doctor apologizing that her colleague failed to see me in a timely manner, but she hoped this would make up for it.  I hope that it does and that this time something happens to fix this problem.

I just want to feel normal and be healthy, so that we can get back on the TTC wagon for real!!